04x11 - You Give Real Estate A Bad Name

[bunniefuu]

And that's how you get a little girl to stop crying.

You know, I'm more concerned with how to get a big boy to stop dancing.

Seriously, dad, it is so not a big deal.

I'm totally cool.

Yeah, yeah, I'll talk to you later. All right.

(Crying) Oh my God, my life is over.

(Mockingly) Oh my God, you're overreacting.

Sometimes, when you see what it looks like, it will make you stop.

My dad canceled our trip to Tahiti.

Now I've got a week off with no prospects, nowhere to go, and no money.

God, when did I turn into Ben?

Hey, I have some personal days.

Maybe we could staycation together.

Oh, that would be so much fun.

Yeah, sure, if you're you getting to hang out with me.

But what about my fun?

My life is about to change forever.

Well, you're tall and have big hands, so the transition shouldn't be too hard.

You're gonna regret that later.

Mr. Jon Bon Jovi is selling his New York penthouse, he is looking for a realtor, and I think his search is over.

Hi, Jon. I'm Bonnie Wheeler.

To sell a property as special as yours, you could go with a realtor with decades of experience, or you could go with...

Me, the ultimate fan, who conceived not one, but two kids to sh*t through the heart.

Jon, I know I may be living on a prayer, but I promise I will sell your place, dead or alive.

Bonnie Wheeler. I give real estate a bad name.

(Mouths)

Mom...

I thought dad b*rned down the Bon Jovi shrine.

He did.

I rebuilt it.

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change directions ♪

Now, does that convince you to go to the concert with me?

No...

And I probably shouldn't go anywhere for about 15 minutes.

Fine, but if you don't hear from me by Saturday, you'll know I got on their tour bus.

Just take a friend.

One who doesn't do this.

Hey, can I get you guys anything?

You know, like, a beer, or perhaps some birth control?

Maybe you can help me convince your brother how amazing Rubber Fox is.

Rubber Fox? I love them.

Wait, are you going to their show tonight?

They've been sold out for weeks.

You wanna come?

Hell yeah.

Hell no.

What's wrong?

You just told me to take a friend.

Yeah, friend, as long as they're female, or gay, or both.

Besides, Ben's working.

Hey, Carter, you clock me out later, and I'll clock you in early tomorrow?

Sure.

(Grunts) Yes!

And I'm officially not working.

Okay, I just gotta get home, wash up, and put some new strings on my air guitar.

I'll meet you at the garden.

And I'm gonna go home and change, and then pick Ben up at the garden, because the concert's not there.

Just so you know, that's not gonna end well.

So, tuck, I see you decided to take a little staycation after all, one that you just didn't invite me to join.

Riley, I thought we went over this.

My vacation is six days, seven nights, and zero Rileys.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go wash off this suntan lotion.

I don't know why you people love it so much.

Officially the best day ever!

My video resume worked, and I am one of two finalists to sell Bon Jovi's penthouse.

We are talking pools, tennis court, and a commission check that will help me follow my dreams.

What dreams?

To get the hell out of real estate.

Did you say pool?

No, I said, "pools," as in, "I'm so rich, I built a second pool,

"because I forgot I already had one."

So the place is vacant?

Yeah, yeah.

I just need to find a rich guy with deep pockets.

Oh man.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I could afford that place myself.

What about a rich woman?

Like my boss, Mary hart.

Yeah, if you show me the apartment, I'll talk it up to Mary.

You would do that for me?

Oh my God, Tucker. Thank you!

(Laughing)

(Muffled shouting)

I'm sorry, what?

Boob canyon!

You're welcome.

I will see you first thing tomorrow.

(Screaming)

Don't think I don't know what you're up to.

"Does it have a pool? Is it vacant?"

You're about as transparent as my attempt to go with you.

Seriously, can I please go?

I don't know what you're talking about, Riley.

Hi, can I speak to someone about tennis lessons?

(High-pitched scream)

Dude! Oh my God, you just scared me.

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Oh, I'm sorry. Was Emma a problem?

No, Emma was not a problem.

It's 12:45 in the morning, that's the problem.

Care to explain yourself?

Uh, not really, dad.

The concert ended at 11:00, we got something to eat, and I dropped her off at her place.

Her place? A-ha! I knew it.

We're just friends. Calm down.

Ben, you are physically incapable of just being friends with a girl.

You seriously don't trust me to be alone with your girlfriend?

Are you seriously asking me if I'm serious?

Well, you're gonna be seriously bummed, because Robyn just invited me to lunch and yoga with her tomorrow.

Because it turns out somebody's boyfriend is not very bendy.

That's right. Go to your room, young man!

(Beeping)

Here we are, Bon Jovi's penthouse.

Bon Jovi's penthouse!

(Screaming)

(Screaming continues)

I'm sorry, I just had to get that out.

It's nice.

No, my ass is nice.

This is spectacular.

Bonnie Wheeler, I'm J.P. Danvers, Mr. Bon Jovi's business manager. We spoke on the phone.

This is Tucker Dobbs.

He is representing a potential buyer who would rather remain anonymous.

Mary Hart.

Knock knock. Hi, I'm so sorry I'm late.

What am I doing here?

Well, my firm is repping all of Mary Hart's finances, and I've been ordered by the court, the court, to assess all future assets.

The court sent me here.

I am here from the court.

Can you excuse us for a minute?

(Tucker laughing)

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, I am b*ating you at your own game.

I want a piece, Dobbs.

You cut me in, or I cut you out.

Mrs. Wheeler...

Uh...

We're just gonna go take a look around the house.

This place isn't big enough for the both of us.

Well, actually, it is, but I hate sharing.

So do I, Dobbs.

So do I.

So, who's the loser I'm competing against for the listing?

(Angrily) Bonnie?

(Angrily) Brad?

Perfect, so my competition is a walking tube of hair gel and teeth whitener.

And I guess mine is a bottle blonde whose real estate license is printed on a cocktail napkin.

Oh, good, you two know each other.

I was afraid this was gonna be awkward.

We decided to double list the property.

Of course, whoever brings in the buyer will get full commission.

But I'm sure that professionals such as yourselves, will make it work.

(Both laughing)

Oh, this is gonna be too easy, which is exactly what I said when I first met you.

(Laughs)

Oh, please, this place is gonna be a snap to unload, which is exactly what I said to you when I dumped you.

Well, you couldn't sell matches to the devil.

Oh, well, why don't we just give it a try?

(Angrily) Wanna buy some matches?

Look, just try to be professional and stay out of my way.

You know what? You're right.

We can just act like normal adults, and not two people who were once wildly attracted to each other.

Once.

Wildly.

Yeah, you're as weak as ever.

Ha-ha!

(Elevator dings)

(Elevator dings)

(Clattering)

That's not good.

Oh, I gotta remember to bring an empty suitcase for souvenirs.

Out of my way! Out of my way! Out of my way!

Yes! I'm a genius.

(Knocking)

Hello? Anyone?

We're stuck in here! Hello?

What are you doing?

I hid my phone in the elevator to prove that Ben really is a dog.

Wait, so you actually want Ben to hit on your girlfriend?

Robyn:Hello?

Yeah, it's the only way I can prove I'm right.

Just so you know, this isn't going to end well.

Why do people keep saying that?

Robyn, what's wrong? Are you okay?

(Panting) I can't breathe.

(Breathing quickens) Claustrophobic.

I'm gonna pass out.

So not okay? Hello?

Ben: Can anyone hear us?

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! No! No! No! No! No! No!

(Shouting)

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

There.

Not there.

Hey, Tuck.

Can I help you with something?

Yeah.

Can you help me find a good way to get rid of you?

This is my vacation. You gots to go.

Ugh, okay fine.

Hey, you wanna play for it?

I was looking at the "you are here" map in the foyer.

He's got bowling, tennis, rock climbing, you name it.

Loser vacates the staycay.

Well, I say we start with tennis.

I hope you brought your paddle.

Haven't really started those lessons yet, have you?

(Beeping)

(Door opens)

And the best part is the entire penthouse smells like Bon Jovi.

Well, not that I know what he smells like...

Birthday cake and my future.

(Giggles) Hello?

Tucker, what are you doing here?

Mary wanted me to break into the apartment to see how good the security system is.

Answer: Not very.

Well, I just hope that Mary bites.

She may be my only hope.

Ugh, I just wish I could get this listing all to myself.

Why don't you just ask Brad?

Like I'm gonna take advice from a guy who's got sailboats on his pants.

But...

I could ply him with alcohol and seduce him, and then guilt him into giving me the listing while he's still under the effects of an after-glow coma.

You're an inspiration to women everywhere.

Hey, if God didn't want me to use it, he wouldn't have made it magical.

(Laughing)

You ready for my big finish?

Danny: I'm here!

(Grunting)

Danny!

Robyn, are you okay?

Could you just wait one second?

Ben was just about to finish his dance.

(Laughing)

Seriously, Ben was so amazing.

He really did save my life.

Oh, hey, my phone d*ed in the elevator.

Do you mind if I check my email real quick?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, wait, no! Don't open it.

I was looking at p*rn!

Is that the elevator?

Were you watching us?

What is going on?

Oh my God, you were watching us!

You shut down the elevator to see if I'd hit on Robyn, didn't you?

Is that true?

Sort of.

But you'd understand if you knew Ben. I can't trust him.

(Scoffs)

Ben's fine.

You're the crazy one.

How about you spend less time not trusting your brother and more time trusting me.

Robyn, I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?

I don't know, but I'll think about it on the four flights of stairs I have to walk down because you blew up the elevator.

Be careful not to blow anything else up...

Like us.

(Door closes)

Well, thank you, Danny.

You've just made every stupid thing I've ever done a little less stupid.

I'm such an idiot.

Yeah, you are.

But, in your defense, I have been kind of a dog in the past.

Actually, you know what?

A dog is exactly what you need right now.

You think I should get Robyn a puppy?

No, no.

I'm gonna hit on your girlfriend.

She can't be mad at you if you were right about me.

You'd hit on my girlfriend for me?

You're the best brother ever.

If hitting on your girlfriend makes me a good brother, then in high school, I was amazing.

I've said too much.

(Both sigh)

Just like riding a bike.

A really, really pretty bike.

God, I missed boob canyon.

So, um...

Brad, I was wondering if I could maybe just ask you for a teensy, weensy favor.

(Laughs) Anything for you, Bon Bon, but I was wondering if I could ask you for an itsy, bitsy little favor first.

It's about the listing.

Oh, you think I should have it all to myself?

Brad, that's so sweet.

Actually, I had a slightly different idea, one that involved me having it all to myself.

Wait a minute.

Did you ply me with alcohol so you could seduce me into giving you the listing while I was still under the effects of an after-glow coma?

(Gasps)

Oh, you are despicable.

Funny, I'm getting the feeling that's exactly what you tried to do to me!

Yeah, well, I thought of it first!

And to think I waxed and polished all kinds of things to be here!

Well, that makes two of us!

You are a disgrace to our honorable profession.

Hey, miss professional, you forgot your panties.

And for the record, I was thinking about Jon Bon Jovi the entire time.

Well you know what, Bonnie?

So was I!

Oh, how dare you!

(Door slams)

We will never speak of this again.

I can't believe you're friends with jon bon Jovi.

You may be the coolest person I know.

You're the coolest person I know.

Except for Bon Jovi, because I do know him, but why did we have to be in the hot tub at exactly 9:00?

Jon's got a lot of friends.

We're on a tight schedule.

Hero time.

(Beeping)

(Handle clicks)

(Beeping)

(Handle clicks)

(Beeping)

Uh, Danny?

(Gasps)

Oh, thank God you guys are here.

Do you have the code to get in?

Ben's hitting on Robyn for me.

Do I want to know?

No.

Hey, if we help you, can you help us fish a golf cart out of the east river?

It may have fallen off the roof.

I'm really glad we're friends.

I just wish Danny could calm down about it.

Here's the thing about my brother... he's kind of a jealous guy.

Here's the thing about me...

Maybe he should be.

Ben.

We're already guilty in his eyes.

We might as well be guilty of something.

And here I thought it was just me.

But let's just keep this between us.

(Stammering) What? No.

The only thing that should be between us is space and water, maybe some bubbles.

Oh, Ben, come on. What happened to mister cool?

We're already guilty. Let's be guilty of something.

I got something, and it involves us being naked.

Okay, I gotta go.

Time's up, all right?

Ben: Oh! Oh God!

What the hell is going on?

Bowling?

Sure.

Nothing here I haven't seen before.

Danny, you have to believe me. I was sticking to the plan.

Yeah, your plan. I should have known.

No! Our plan.

I hit on her, but she hit back. I was out-hitted.

That's right, I out-hitted him.

"It's 9:00, going in for the move. Get in here."

The next time you make a secret plan about me, don't email it to me.

Just a thought.

I keep saying, reply and reply all should not be next to each other.

Okay, three weeks into this relationship and so far you've locked me in an elevator with your brother so he could hit on me, and then this whole hot tub thing so he could do it again.

I'm a man of limited skills.

That's two strikes against you, Danny.

Robyn, I am so sorry.

I like you, Danny, but nobody tells me who to be friends with.

So we're still friends?

Yeah, no.

Remember, Wheeler, two strikes. Three and you're out.

Looks like we're still going out.

Our plan worked.

We're geniuses.

All right, let's go with that. We're geniuses.

Robyn?

Okay, I'm gonna need some pants.

And the home theater is actually a multi-plex.

The showtimes are posted on the refrigerator.

This is the perfect place for any millionaire.

Unless you're a billionaire, in which case, it's a great fixer-upper.

Brad, I thought I sent you a schedule so this wouldn't happen.

Did you forget how to read?

No, but it's hard to tell what this picture of your ass is trying to say.

Well, let me translate: "Butt out!"

This place is practically sold.

Well, I'm glad I brought my ice skates, because apparently hell has frozen over.

Yeah? Well, then I'm glad that I have a client who's in the market for a place with an ice rink.

Right, Mrs. Andrews?

(Door slams)

Mrs... (Scoffs)

Nice going, Brad.

So it's my fault now?

No, not just now.

It's always your fault.

Oh, I know what this is all about: You not being able to get over me.

I get this all the time.

Yeah, yeah. You're pretty, I get it.

Big whoop, all right.

You're not my first inappropriately younger boyfriend and you won't be my last.

Knock on wood.

Man, why do you have to be such a nightmare?

It is so damn sexy.

(Sighing)

God...

Bonnie, I don't want to fight with you.

I've never said this to a woman before, but will you...

Split the commission with me?

Oh my God.

Brad...

That is the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.

So, uh, I guess we're a team.

Oh, good, you're both here.

There's been a disturbing discovery on the premises.

Well, I don't know what you're talking about.

Nobody's had sex in this room.

(Laughing)

A rock star lives here. Everyone's had sex in this room.

But that's not the point.

The beds have been slept in, wine and spirits are missing, and the golf cart is full of fish and garbage.

Would one of you care to explain?

Mr. Danvers, I can assure you that we had absolutely nothing to do with that.

Brad clearly acted alone.

Me? This has your name written all over it.

She stole his sheets!

I stole those for us!

Brad: You sold them on ebay.

Bonnie: I sold them on ebay for us!

Finally.

What the hell?

What are you people doing here?

Oh, we turned off the heater and decided to throw Emma's first pool party.

We were gonna invite you, but Riley said you were on vacation.

But how did you get in here?

First rule of rock n' roll: Always suck up to the business manager.

Who had salt?

I never get invited anywhere.