02x09 - Coat Check

[bunniefuu]

Jaime, thank you so much again for getting us this coat check gig.

For real.

Seriously.

Of course, my babies.

So, there's a big rush at the beginning and at the end of the night.

But for the rest of the time, you just get to chill in the closet.

Kind of like me in high school.

I had a lot of fun though.

Here they come, okay.

Best of luck, ladies... Ciao.

Hi.

I think I saw this coat on "Who Wore It Best".

Guess who wore it best?

You. (Chuckling)

♪

(sniffing)

Is this bad?

Who cares?

Oh, no.

I go to sleep dreaming about caffeine enemas.

My God.

I have fake boobs!

Although, if somebody wants to get it, it's like, do your thing.

No, I agree. Exactly.

Ooh. Hello.

I'ma do one.

Okay.

Oh.

(with British accent) Silly Benny.

Get me another serving of American Bald Eagle and then stomp on my balls with high heels, please.

Thank you!

Oh, my!

Oh, my God.

I love how working moves my bowels.

You want me to FaceTime from the bathroom?

Yeah.

Cool... Just switch to wifi.

Okay, I was kidding.

Abbi. (Scoffing)

I am... the Guardian of the Coats.

♪ Four and three and two and one-one ♪
♪

Thank you.

Yep.

(water running)

Oh, wow. Thank you.

I'm also working the event tonight.

Coat check.

Working for the man, right? (Chuckling weakly)

I'll see you.

I'll probably see you again... Yeah.

(muttering)

♪

(door opening)

Ab. Ab, Ab, Ab. Abbi?

Prank! Yes!

Dude.

I just saw the hottest girl I have ever seen.

We had the most incredible spark.

You're right... I have to find her.

I didn't say anything.

Here, take my tickets.

Wait... wait, wait, wait.

These are supposed to be with the coats.

No.

We put the tickets in the tip jar at the end of the night.

Then people find their matching ticket.

That proves the coat's theirs.

That's how the coat check works.

No, that's not how coat check works.

They're supposed to be on the hangers with the corresponding coat.

Thank you for always encouraging me to follow my heart.

I love you.

Again, that's not what I said.

(Bleep).

You guys.

(Bleep).

(people talking, background music playing)

Waiter: Ladies? Any cheesecake?

Jaime!

Hey, baby.

I just met the most beautiful stranger.

I need to find her.

Okay, baby, you take this tray of the mini cannolis.

Through the power of the Italian dessert, she'll come to you.

Genius.

Good luck now.

man: Excuse me, Miss?

man 2: Waitress!

(people chattering)

We're having fun, guys, right?

I mean, let's just remember this is a charity event.

All right, who's got a Marc Jacobs peacoat?

Oh, okay.

Small or medium?

both women: Small.

It's medium.

I wear a medium, it's not a big deal.

Who's got the Chanel jacket?

Mine!

That was a trick question.

There is no Chanel.

Do not play me, guys!

Not today!

woman: Miss!

Miss?

(chuckling softly)

both: I was looking for you.

both: Me too!

(sniffing deeply)

Hi.

I'm Adele.

I'm Ilana.

Would you wanna split that cannoli?

(both moaning, laughing lightly)

You wanna get out of here?

(exhales sharply)

There you go. Thanks.

Hi there.

Hey.

(quietly) Be cool. Be cool.

Be yourself, but be cool.

(hangers clattering)

Okay, I'm just getting Kelly Ripa's coat.

All right.

I brought a couple back.

Check these out.

Hmmm, none of these are mine.

Could it still be back there?

These are actually the only ones left.

I'm so sorry.

I think someone took yours by accident.

Oh.

(Bleep).

I love that coat.

Oh, (bleep).

Huh.

Wait, um, Miss Ripa?

I promise you that I will...

I will get that coat back for you.

'Cause we here in the coat room, we take these matters very seriously.

And by "we," I mean me.

Okay.

Um, here.

I'm gonna write down my information in case it turns up, okay?

Wow, your, um, your handwriting is really beautiful.

It's like a seven-year-old.

I've had a few. (Chuckling)

What's your name again?

Oh, it's Kelly.

(chuckling) It's Hope.

It's Faith.

Um.

My name, um, is Abbi.

That's what my parents gave me.

Okay. Well.

When I was born.

Nice to meet you. Thanks.

Thank you.

You know, thank you for your talent and for your role modelness and just being like, for being, you know...

(thudding)

I'm so sorry I messed up that whole coat thing.

No.

Because you're such a bobo, I have the opportunity of a lifetime to find and return Kelly Ripa's coat to her home, dude.

I mean, she, she's America's sweetheart.

I really feel like we just hit it off.

I'ma help you, B.

I'ma help you achieve.

Oh, is that a hickey?

It's very seventh grade.

I know!

I had my first simultaneous orgasm last night and Adele and I only kissed.

I think this is what love might feel like.

(gasping) Oh, my God... Empty lounge chairs!

There's never empty lounge chairs!

Go, go, go, go!

No, no, no!

No!

Whoo!

All right.

This is the last coat that was left at the event last night.

All we have to do is find this person, get Kelly's coat, and then I can deliver it to her like, beautifully toned arms.

Then I can die whenever.

Not too soon, please.

Also, I found a clue.

Oh, my G... Yaas!

♪

(traffic honking)

Welcome. (Moaning suggestively)

Um, I think I have your coat.

Wait.

You're not here for the orgy?

No.

Not really.

(Scoffing) Maureen!

Can I help you?

Hi, uh, I think you left your coat at the charity event last night.

No, that's my ex's. He moved out last week.

That's why I'm having an orgy.

I just felt so restricted in this relationship, you know?

We've been together how long?

I still never saw his nipples.

How does that happen? I don't understand that.

Maureen!

(Cat meowing)

(chuckling) Oh, sorry, I gotta dive back in there.

Wait!

Do you think you could give me his new address?

'Cause I need to return this coat.

It's really important.

Fine. Fine.

But could you drop off some stuff he left here?

I'm not leaving any time soon.

Okay.

Sure.

Cool, thanks.

Oh, wait.

Forgot his Civil w*r (bleep).

Oh... There's a lot of people. Okay.

(Door slamming)

♪

So this coat is yours.

I'm so embarrassed I took the wrong coat.

Sorry.

Just one second.

Maureen's ex: So you met Maureen, huh?

She's pretty phenomenal.

We're just on kind of a break right now, but I got her favorite dinner and I think we're going to work out all our issues tonight.

Hope it wasn't too much trouble.

Uh, no, I would have gone to so much worse 'cause, um, that's actually Kelly Ripa's coat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is Kelly Ripa's coat?

Um. Mm-hmm.

I'm an enormous Kelly Ripa fan.

So is...

America's sweetheart.

The nation.

She's my favorite.

I can't give you the coat back, I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to keep the coat.

No, you are not.

Ugh!

Yeah, I am gonna keep the coat 'cause...

I'm sorry, sir.

No...

I'm not leaving without the coat.

I'm keeping the coat.

I'm keeping it. Yes, I am.

Drop the coat, mother(bleep)!

Drop the (bleep) coat!

Ilana: Oh, my God.

(scoffing) The p*stol doesn't sh**t, honey.

It's a 1782 Ketland flintlock.

It's priceless 'cause my father gave it to me, but it will not sh**t.

Okay, well, then I'm gonna... I'm gonna smash this!

No.

I will shove it through...

Don't do that!

I will ruin it!

Don't do that! Okay, okay, okay!

Put it down.

Get it.

Jesus, who are you guys?

Your worst nightmare.

Okay, hey, dude.

You don't need to go to Maureen's tonight.

She was, she was full.

She was hosting an orgy.

What?

Okay. Sorry.

(door slamming)

I like orgies.

Okay, so Adele is just about to meet us.

I just want to let you know that it's mostly sexual.

She's not replacing you.

I don't feel threatened... Thanks though.

I'm just surprised.

You never want me to meet anybody you're with.

The only reason I met Lincoln is because you forgot you were with him one time.

Oh, there she is.

I don't know what it is about this girl.

Abbi: Um, I think I know what it is.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi.

(both laughing breathlessly)

Adele, this is Abbi.

Abbi, Adele.

Hey.

Hi.

So nice to finally meet you.

I've heard so much about you, seen so many photos.

I feel like I already know you.

Yeah, it's like... that's crazy.

I feel like I know you too.

Adele, it was so nice meeting you.

Um, I gotta go see about a girl and get her coat back.

Dude, uh, she looks exactly like you.

So.

See ya.

Adele: Bye.

Ooh.

Oh. (Both laughing)

Um, I'm here to see Miss Ripa.

Right this way.

Okay.

(elevator dinging, doors rattling)

Hi.

I cannot believe you found my jacket.

Thank you so much. Come on in.

I hope it wasn't too much trouble.

No, it was the perfect amount of troubles.

So much fun.

Whoa, Bed Bath and Beyond coupons.

both: Yeah, I practically live there.

That's my favorite store.

You want a drink?

Yeah. I'd... Yeah.

Mark had to take the kids to Telluride for a capoeira festival, so...

I love a cappella.

Hey, will you do me a favor?

Can you take your shoes off?

Um, sure.

Put on a pair of those.

We're a Shape-ups family.

(seductive music playing)

You a 28HH?

Yeah, you got it.

Weird. Me too.

You know, Kelly, I gotta say, your apartment is beautiful.

Oh, thanks.

It's rent controlled.

I only pay 600 bucks a month.

Really?

Of course not!

Prank!

I love pranks!

Oh.

Oh, my.

I can't believe we finished a whole bottle already.

Oh.

That's okay.

I've been meaning to cr*ck open a special batch.

Here you go.

Whoa, what is that?

Moonshine!

Oh, my God.

Do we have the same exact tattoo?

No, that's your arm.

Oh, right.

Right, right, right. (Chuckling)

(slurring) Strahan keeps sending me all these gift baskets to butter me up because he wants to switch sides and everybody knows, first of all, that I sit camera left.

Everyone knows that.

Everybody knows.

You know what I think about sitting camera right?

I'll show you... this...

I'll show you what I think about sitting camera right right now.

Ah ha!

(Thudding)

Oh, (bleep), dude!

That's the street! Oh, (bleep)!

I gotta take a whiz.

And I'll tell you what, when I get back, I wanna see that big-ass mother(bleep) basket down next to my little-ass mother(bleep) basket.

Are you kidding?

(music continuing)

Okay. (Clearing throat)

Could we turn off the lights maybe?

Oh, but I wanna see your cute little face.

Cool.

Uh, okay.

One second.

Okay.

Um.

Okay, that's better.

♪

Holy (bleep).

♪

Kelly: Abbi!

What a beautiful kitchen!

Thanks.

What, uh, what, uh...

Oh, don't worry.

It'll just give us trippier visuals.

Buckle up, buttercup.

You only live once, right?

man: ♪ Break it down break it don't stop ♪

Yes, queen.

Yes, queen.

Yes, queen.

Yes, queen.

♪ Break it down don't stop ♪

(moaning)

♪ Break it down ♪
♪ Don't stop, don't stop ♪

Oh, my God.

Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

What's wrong? Too much teeth?

No, the biting was dope.

I just...

It's too weird.

What's too weird?

Okay.

I wanna put this delicately 'cause I don't want to freak you out too much, but it came to my attention that we look exactly alike.

Yeah, no (bleep).

You knew?

I'm not blind, I mean, isn't that why you approached me in the first place?

No.

I was drawn to your aura.

And your scent, you know.

And your curls and your cheeks.

Of course I'm drawn to myself.

I masturbate in the mirror!

Me too!

That's what's so hot about it.

It's like hooking up with yourself.

I know, but...

I have sex with people different from me, you know?

Different colors, different shapes, different sizes.

People who are hotter, uglier.

More smart, not more smart.

Innies, outies.

I don't know... a Catholic person.

Nobody knows our bodies the way that we do.

Look.

Your G spot... is right here.

(Gasping)

(sputtering)

Too intense. Too intense.

Oh, my God.

I lost my vision.

Yeah, for a second.

I don't know though.

I don't know.

It's like, creepy to me.

I'm sorry.

That's lame, but yeah.

Listen.

We should still stay in touch for organ donation or jury duty.

Mm-hmm.

You want?

Oh, no.

I don't smoke pot.

I gotta say, like, you're much wilder than I...

(air puffing)

(both laughing drunkenly)

You're, like, much wilder than I thought you were.

Like, I didn't know.

I know.

(slurring) A lot of people think that because I'm on the "Morning Show" that I have to be like, America's good girl.

Totally.

And I'm just like, at this place in my life where I've accomplished a lot.

So much, man.

Yeah.

I literally don't even give any (bleep).

Like, I hate (bleep).

They're the worst.

Seriously, you have to pull me harder 'cause I can't even get into a full pretzel like this.

What do you mean?

What is a pretzel?

Why are we doing this?

Stretch.

I like it, but what is it?

(elevator dings, door opens)

(Kelly laughs drunkenly)

Abbi.

You get first pick. (Chuckling)

First... ?

I...

I, like, haven't waxed my body in a long time, you know?

So like, I gotta, I gotta be going.

Thank you so much.

No.

For like, everything.

All the dr*gs and stuff.

Abbi, no.

I have to.

No, Abbi, no!

Abbi! (Foot stomping)

I ordered Domino's for after!

You know, maybe I should have (bleep) the prost*tute.

I mean, he was actually kind of hot in like, a scary way.

And I bet he doesn't even care if I waxed or not.

They don't care if you're waxed.

Listen, if a prost*tute's what you want, I can make that happen.

Really?

Yeah.

That'd be insane.

That'd be, like, so badass.

I can make the call.

They could get here in 25 minutes.

For real?

Yeah.

Grab my phone.

I'll do it.

Here goes.

We get to pick what they look like?

We get to pick our names?

Fuerta would be my name.

Charlie.

Oof.

As a girl.

Ooh.

All right, I'm gonna be spontaneous.

Let's go. Go. Call.

Okay, here we go.

Own up.

I'm ready.

Okay, I don't know any prostitutes.

You're letting me make the call!

I don't know! You were going with it!

I just wanted to see what would happen!

Kelly has really changed you.

Do you know someone you could call to make the call?