01x06 - Episode 6

Episode transcripts for this TV mini-series, "Babalyon". Aired February - December 2014.
A look at the people in charge and on the front lines of the contemporary London Metropolitan Police force.
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01x06 - Episode 6

Post by bunniefuu »

Finn: Don't worry. This PCSO idea is d*ad in the water.

As soon as she says it.

It's pre-k*lled.

She's bringing home a brand new puppy, but I've already dug its grave.

Thank you! Thank you, gentlemen.

Drop your cocks and grab some Ewoks.

It's the return of the Jedi. Yes, man.

Yes, Robbie!


Yeah, what you saying? What you saying? You f*cking missed us?

I know you're concerned that three of the officers involved in the Karl Jeffries incident are back on duty, but the inquiry was fair and it was thorough.

And one officer has been suspended, but that doesn't mean we can't improve.

Man 1: What about Karl?

Man 2: Tell us the truth.

Woman: Justice for Karl.

Okay, thank you. I personally believe in a new era of openness, and that all Police Community Support Officers, who are, of course... They're drawn much more broadly from the black, Asian and minority ethnic populations.

All of them, after a brief induction, should be made full police officers.

Jesus Christ. So I don't say anything publicly?

No need. You stay quiet. She's kicked the wasps' nest.

Let's see how she likes it when a swarm comes and stings her up the wazoo.

All right, but take it easy.

Final interview is tomorrow. I don't want this to explode.

Just one question, and this is from me, but is the wazoo...

Is that the front-bottom or the back bottom? I never know.

Really good question, Tom.

Thank you.

Yeah, why don't you Google it and f*ck off out my face?

Hi, Sally? Yeah, just a bit of background on this Community Support bollocks.

How would it work?

Yeah, who's gonna pay?

Look, Sharon Franklin isn't even commissioner, yet.

What Sharon's saying is we cannot gain the trust of London until we look like London.

The failure to gain the trust of people of colour runs like a wire in a time b*mb through everything that's gone wrong in this city for the last 50 years, and what we're saying is we can fix that. We're going to fix that.

Are you running, or is she, Liz?

f*ck off, Harry.

Liz, I wanted to show you this and get your reaction.

What is this? Can we do this later?

Uh, you might want to take a look.

Garvey: Why are my eyes looking at this?

Well, that's your officer. That guy went straight out on duty and sh*t Karl Jeffries at the nightclub. Apparently he's back on duty today.

Okay. I'm going to have to call a halt on this. How long has this been up?

Four-and-a-half minutes.


Um... Thank you.

Yeah, that's something... Well, it's vital to the integrity of London Police.

On pay and pensions, officers may well have to take a short-term hit...

What about this?


How long have you known about this?

Look, I'm sorry. Bear with me.

We need to get you out.

(STAMMERING) I'm just hearing about this right now with you. So...

I'm concerned, and if there is any doubt about the officer in question, the investigation could be reopened.

Thank you.


And so, in conclusion, can I just say, justice is blind.

And that is why, if you give her norks a squeeze and run fast, she's very unlikely to be able to ID you in a line-up.


What about Warwick?

Warwick's off ops.

We got a slapped wrist on that one.

It all came out.

Oi, oi, it's Osama bin Banjo.

Britain's most wanted waste disposal t*rror1st.

They're gonna reopen your investigation.

What? Are you serious? We're back on duty tonight.

One video and the brass buckle? Guv! They can't do this, can they, guv?

Are we on duty tonight or what?

Guv? Can I get a Twix and a cup of tea or do you want me to bend over for a set of f*cking psychological tests first?

I'm checking it out.


Clarkey: Plastic pigs into cops? Seriously? Pension cuts, overtime cuts, job security knackered.

Amazing. Sharon Franklin gets her kite out and starts flying it, and I go home and what?

I can't f*cking sleep 'cause I don't know if I can afford a pot to piss in when I retire.

This is Battleship Potemkin. Kronshtadt.

1905, the Black Sea.

The lmperial Russian Navy are served borscht made with rotten meat.

The men rebel. An empire falls.

Oh, right, that Potemkin. I was getting mixed up with all the other Potemkins.

Never heard of Battleship Potemkin, Davina? That surprises me.

What the f*ck's wrong with you two?

Oi, Davs, can I borrow your face? I wanna go rat-catching.

Black and white, Russian and silent.

Uh-huh. The big three.

Oh, hello. Hey, Davs, here's a question for you.

How would you like to see your husband going absolutely f*cking mental on a rubbish bin?


Man: (ON TV) The inquiry into the death of Karl Jeffries could be reopened.

It follows confirmation from police sources that the rubbish bin vandalism footage sweeping the Internet does indeed feature an officer involved in the sh**ting.

Another of the officers involved has already been suspended.

You off-shift?

What's it to you?

Got mates coming over, as it happens.

Yeah, all right, mate. No worries.

Sorry, uh... Cheers, sorry.

So, the governor wants extra directed patrols through Earlsfield.

Also, a number of w*apon we're aware of out of Nottingham have come south.

Now, it shouldn't involve us, but be aware. Okay? Any questions so far?

Yes, sir. Sir, will you be wanting us to take the g*n out today, sir?

How do you mean?

The sh**ting g*n, with the b*ll*ts that make holes in the baddies?

Will you be wanting us to carry those 'round today, sir?

'Cause we're thinking we might not.

Okay, what's...

Bollocks, guv.

What they're saying about Banje.

Look, far as I'm concerned, you're on duty.

I've received nothing to suggest otherwise as yet, so...

Oh, I'm allowed out, am I? Just don't touch anything or play with the sirens, is it?

Senior officers are aware of your situation, and at this time they want to support you.

Yeah, well, they're providing about as much support as my nana's bra.

It's a f*cking ornamental belt.

We're not picking up our w*apon today, guv.

Well, obviously, as you know, that's at your discretion.

So, can I start off by telling you a bit about the production company, which was set up to find a mass audience for serious current affairs?

Yeah, so listen, I don't want to be rude, but I'm just going to come right out with this.

All right.

I've got the f*cking mother lode.

You have the mother lode?

I have the mother lode, yeah.

Don't ask me how, but I've been filming a renegade cop for months.

You see, he's admitted on camera to covering up the Jeffries sh**ting.

The kid never had a g*n. At least not in his hand.

That's interesting.

Oh, yeah, it's interesting.

It's bidding w*r interesting.

It's "get your MD in here and make me an offer" interesting.

I am a managing director.

Yeah? Good, well, look, I'll be talking to a few of your competitors through this week, and I'll be inviting offers by, uh, Friday.

You're very aggressive.

Yeah, well, the king of the jungle don't drink peppermint tea, you know?

Get into bed with me and you'll be burping BAFTAs and sh1tting Emmys, yeah?

This may not be in direct contravention of clause 2.11 of your terms of employment, but it's in contravention of the spirit of it. Yes?

Also, gentlemen, on a personal level, can you see how this looks for me?

They wanna fill the service up with jumped-up traffic wardens.

Is that who you want next to you when the petrol b*mb are coming in? Eh? Eh?

A plastic pig melting away?

We need to have a think how we respond.

I tell you how I think we respond. Apparently the ARV relief are not picking up their g*n.

I think, personally, today we let the brass know that you don't f*ck with the TSGs.


So if you value the work I've done for you, then yes, I'm ordering you.

But also, I'm saying let's work together to create a new paradigm of trust.

(COUGHING) Bollocks!


Of course, as you know, legally the Police Federation cannot endorse strike action.

Yeah, but I've got a strong feeling there might be some bad prawns going 'round today. I reckon if I don't get home, I'm gonna be sh1tting through the eye of a needle from 100 yards.


Very important not to come to work if you think you might be spreading this virulent infection. Let your mates know, yeah?

We're getting reports of a number of spontaneous street protests focused on the handling of the investigation into the sh**ting of teenager Karl Jeffries.

The mayor has appealed for calm.

But with a new Commissioner yet to be appointed, and reports of unofficial industrial action by some London police, questions are being raised about security across the capitol.

And they can do this?

British police carry w*apon at their own discretion.

They can't strike, but as long as they turn up, they're not in breach of contract.

So your armed police can choose not to be armed?

Can they also choose to be firemen?

Are they policemen or are they f*cking philosophers? What are we gonna say?

We have to keep this out of the public sphere.

No one can know we don't have an armed response capability.


It's unfortunate what you said off the cuff about reopening the investigation.

Obviously, some people believe that I should hang you out to dry, but I believe that that would look bad for the force as a whole, so we're sticking together on this.

Yeah, some of the non firearms-trained senior officers are willing to go out with Tasers.


Should we talk to the Home Secretary about using the army?

Not yet, no. Actually, Sharon, can you break out and check on the TSG situation?

I'll talk to firearms command.

Can we find some dirt on Charles? Beef that up into a story.

Sure. Really?

Liz, I'm up for this.

We have to do what it takes.

Sure. But that is not good tactics.

It could come back and bite us.

We need to be able to play rough. Can you play rough?

Yes, I can play rough, when I need to.

I'm thinking perhaps it might be judicious for me to back down now, drop the PCSOs thing.

Well, no, because that's the cornerstone of your pitch.

This is just Finn stirring.


I've just got negative vibes today. Tactically, for now, we say I didn't say it.

You did say it.

I announced I was going to say it.

But I'm not going to say it.


That's my directive.

Won't be long.

Well, she's very ambitious.

Yeah? So what? Good. I'm ambitious.

You're ambitious. Nothing wrong with an ambitious woman, Mia.

Look, this could go bent, all right? It's getting out to the public that we have reduced forces to call on.

That's bad. They should get all the PCSOs to put down their big slurps and stub out their joints and waddle into action.

Yeah, look, I know what's going on, but I need you out there as deterrents.

Sorry, guv. I need to be near a toilet. I might brown the seats.

You pulling my dong?

Look. When does a revolution happen, guv?

I don't know. When w*nk*r go bonkers? I don't know.

When the coercive arm of the state has more in common with the people in front of them, attacking them, than they do with the people behind them, paying them.

Nice one, Citizen Clarke.

Oh, so you're talking to me now, are you?

I've always been talking to you, dickhead.

Dickhead. Lovely.


Human garbage bags. Skin sheaths of festering putrescence.

They're only in there for some trainers.



Oh, yes, of course, I'll make myself available for interview at the Home Secretary's convenience.

All good?

Final interview.

Word is Sharon's got it.

Well, that's what's being briefed.

Oh, hello, it's started.

We're gonna need a bigger boat.

As in? There are no boats.

No, I mean... I thought it was appropriate.

Would it be appropriate for you to shut up until the Acting Commissioner asks for your opinion, Bananaman?

Right, can I just say, that I am a senior police officer, and I refuse to be spoken to in that manner.

And I would like to officially request to be moved from your staff, sir, to that of Assistant Commissioner Franklin, sir.

It's been an honour to serve you, but I think it's best for all concerned if I moved on.

And if there is any hesitation, I have kept a diary of my treatment over the past weeks.

Of course, Tom.

Well, thank you.

Finn? Can I get two?

Is your diary pink with a lock on it, Tom?

I bet it is, isn't it?

Finn, you need to stop stirring on the PCSO-into-cops idea.

I didn't. I haven't.

Oh, shut up, please. You stirred up the rank and file, and I know that.

Call off your dogs.

Well, you started this. You, with your back-of-a-f*g-packet PCSO bollocks.

So don't come crying to me now, okay?

I'm not crying, Finn. I know you lack emotional intelligence, but that's an easy one.

We are in trouble.

We need to work together, get it?

We're in more than f*cking trouble, Liz. We are on the verge of a riot, and the armed police won't pick up their g*n.

And do you know whose fault that is?

Yours. Pumping up Sharon, reopening the inquiry.

I'm not the one who smeared a young black kid after he was sh*t to death, okay?

I bet you were top of your high school class, weren't you?

But you always wanted more, didn't you?

Don't come and Hannibal Lecter me.

I was home-schooled by hippies, as it happens.

I was raised by wolves in a cave. You don't know me.

Why are you even here? It's just a jaunt, isn't it?

It's a f*cking gap year for you.

I turned down serious money to come here.

Oh. So, so kind. Thank you, Miss America!

I came here because I think there's a new way of doing policing, and so did Richard.

And brand f*cking Liz, who washes whiter.

You don't just want to win, you want to win and everyone to love you.

Well, newsflash, I will not let you turn this police force into some big f*cking loofah you use to massage your ego and then chuck away as you f*ck off to Tibet to re-launch the Dalai Lama and take some options on Buddhism when it goes public, all right?

Take a look around you.

You're the best thing that's happened to London since the plague.

I know you find it thr*at that I believe in something.

You'd like everything to be a shitty joke, and for everyone to be just like you, down in the f*cking gutter, smearing black kids, playing some pissing-up-the-wall competition.

You know what I see when I look at you spewing your shit?

A dinosaur, roaring at monkeys sailing by, on bikes, with iPads.

I really need to know we're on the same page.

Actually, I need to know we're reading the same book.

What book are you reading?

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Earth.

There's No Oxygen on Mars, You're f*cked, Sorry, Goodbye.

It's a good book, isn't it?


We are gonna change the police force, yes?


Well, yes, obviously honestly.




Yes, but we need to be realistic.

It's very hard to change the force, in my opinion, because it doesn't exist.

It doesn't exist?

What is it? I mean, where is it?

It's 50,000 different people. There's nothing to change.

Leadership, Assistant Commissioner.

I can change my office. I can change him and her and him.

Chip, chip, chip. We have to just do what we can.

It'll be... It'll be another generation or two before the culture changes.

But we're part of that. I'm the change.

Liz, Tom needs Finn for his handover. I need you at firearms, okay?

Finn: Tom, just f*ck off, will you?

Good luck with this, sir. We've had the Commander and a chief inspector and someone from the Home Office, and the mood is not good.

Garvey: Do you want me to suggest some talking points?

I'll get them in the briefing room.

(STAMMERING) No, we'll just do it here.

In here?


Listen in. Quiet, please.

Morning, guys.

I'm here to, uh...

I'm here to listen to whatever packet of bollocks you've been asked to swallow.

But first, guys, I need to talk to you.

And I need to say a few words that are probably gonna make your skin crawl, because normally they only get rolled out when you've been asked to take a pay cut, or do some overtime for the love of the Queen.

But I am going to say duty.

I'm going to say nobility.

The nobility of service to your community and to this great world city.

But listen, um, this case, the bin, the whole nightclub operation, the way you've been treated, we'll examine it.

There'll be some changes to the procedure in the investigative process, and I'll try to make sure you get all the protection you can.

Things'll get a bit better here, a bit worse there.

A few more forms.

But I'm not going to bullshit you, they won't change.

Not really. Not much. They can't.

Well, you get judged strictly because that is how you know, in your heart, you need to be judged.

Because when you go out there, the whole force of right-thinking society, of civilisation, is concentrated in the sinews and the muscles of your trigger finger.

And I know it makes you sick, because it makes me sick that the great stupid mass of fat, lazy, paper-reading Professor Yaffles in their armchairs, reading The Guardian and w*nk*ng, that they...

That they get to... To stroke their chins and chew for months, for years, the decisions that you make in a second.

But you know what we do about that?

We take it. We just... We just take it.

Because we know who we are. We know what they are. So f*ck 'em.

And when we're disregarded and beaten down and smeared and written off, that isn't when we sack off our duties. No, that's when we say, "I'm going to protect you nevertheless, "because I'm a knight. I'm a king."

And it's when the city is at its most unruly and peevish and ungrateful that we... We say, "Shush now, I'm here, you're safe."

And we still act like kings when all around us are cowards and fakes throwing their shit at us.

But you're the best people I know.

And you've got to let this bad feeling pass, or you'll always feel grubby, and regret the day you left your city undefended.

Thank you.




So, we're looking at large-scale disturbances in five of the boroughs and rising.

Yes, the mayor could do with a frank, off-the-record assessment of what they're actually rioting for, Liz.

Unfortunately, they haven't appointed a head rioter for us to negotiate with.

Is it because of a lack of police on patrol?

I think it's gathering its own momentum. Anger about the bin footage, the Karl Jeffries sh**ting, rumours about no cops.

There seem to be some kids in Brent angry about the World Cup going to Qatar.

It's all very, very combustible.

I think we need visible leadership.

We agree, and the Home Office and the mayor's office have agreed to accelerate the appointment of the new commissioner following final interview.

It's Hillary versus Obama. We're happy with either.

We just have to convince the Home Secretary they have an iron grip. Granular detail.

But we feel that Hillary's the reform candidate.

I mean, what about that offer to use British Transport Police to arrest striking officers?



Thank you so much.

Arresting our own? Can you hear that sound?

That's Richard turning like a rotisserie chicken in his coffin.

Woman: (ON RADIO) Crowds gathering are violent. Other units...


Man: (ON RADIO) PCSOs requesting urgent backup.

Charles. Can I speak to you for a moment?

Well, let me guess, you're gonna stop the riots with the power of new media, ask Jeeves to stop the civil disturbance.

Very hip joke, sir.

Look, I think you should be the next commissioner.

Well, I agree with you.

I've seen Sharon up close.


Some people, when they get up high and the air's too thin, they start throwing stuff out of the balloon.

First the sandbags, then the picnic, then they're looking at you.

She was going to arrest our own guys.

Yes, well, I've known Sharon a long time and that doesn't surprise me.

Watching you give your speech, I thought you were really impressive.


Right, is this your pitch to work for me?

Thank you for your input, but I...

Look, I liked your speech, but it was bullshit.

Okay, thanks, Liz, you're quite the sweet-talker.

Build the fortress walls higher? Huddle up?

You need to lose that mentality, and you need someone like me running your PR or you're gonna have a short, disastrous tenure as commissioner, if you can persuade them in the first place.

Why should I trust you?

Because I already nailed a story about you being a shoplifter.

I am prepared to support you.

And if you want me, great, and if you don't, I'm gonna walk.

I'll think about it.

Mia, we're switching horses.

Miles: So, thanks for meeting us.

You're probably wondering what this is all about.


So, listen.

You know Matt, our camera guy?


Well, a little birdie's told us that Matt is hawking around some footage he's got of you.


He's giving it large about what's on it.

"Something amazing. Something that's going to bring down western civilisation." Yeah.

Miles: Some admission of wrongdoing by you?

Secret filming? He won't show it. He's keeping his copy locked down.

But I thought you might like to know.


I mean, from our end, he could do some very serious damage with this.

He could get us closed down.

We want to get the toe rag expunged.

Stopped. Deleted. For the good of society.

Primarily society.

But we were thinking, from your end, you might want to, I don't know, talk to lawyers, mates.

Right, we're getting reports of outbreaks of looting across Balham, Tooting, spreading Clapham North and East Putney.

Some g*n in Loughborough Junction.

Now, you all heard the big man, and I suppose the question is, are you coppers or not?

Tony: What do you reckon, Banje?

Yeah, all right.

I'm a king, or a knight.

I'm the Count of Twatty Christo. Just send us out.

Right. Trojan 134, 144, 154. Details as you deploy.

Thing about a riot is, the chance of any actual g*n? Virtually zero, mate.

Woman: (ON RADIO) Trojan 131 to assist Haymond Gardens, New Cross.

Anonymous call to an IC3, male acting suspiciously.

Caller states he may have seen a g*n.

Trojan 134 in progress.

Whoa, shall we not let Baker's mob get this?

Yeah, well, I've answered it now, haven't I?

Well, hit the drama then.

All right, guys, possible firearm. Let's just take it easy, lads, yeah?

I'll lead, all right? You got me, Banje, yeah?

You're f*cking keen, ain't ya?


Armed police! Come to the door with your hands in view.

Armed police!


Armed police, let me see your hands. Let me see your f*cking hands!

Rob, don't you know him?

Come here.

Get down. Get down, man.

Have you got any w*apon on these premises, eh?

No, what the f*ck?

Hey, Banje. Cuff him. Cuff him.

What's going on, eh?

Shut your mouth! Shut your mouth!

Get your hands out.

Keep still!

All I wanna... What's happening? What's happening?

Right, local are here, what's this...

Rob, what are you doing?

Get up.

Tony, get him in the van.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, van? Van?

I ain't done nothing. What van? Where am I going?

Here's how this breaks down. I'm gonna do a quick search.

Robbie, what the f*ck is going on?

Just trust me on this one. We've got to do this now. I'll explain later.

Look, Robbie. Tell me what you're doing, yeah?

All right. You wanna know? Right, f*cking quick. The kid you sh*t, yes?

He did have a g*n. But it was in his pants, so I put it where it should've been, where it was.

Hang on. He didn't have a...

Exactly. No thanks required. We're mates, right?

He didn't have a g*n?

But, Matt, the camera... I told him, didn't I?

Oh, what? Why did you do that?

Because he's a f*cking snake, ain't he? He was filming me secretly.

The kid didn't have a g*n?

Right, he's with local. What the f*ck is going on, lads?

You want...

You don't wanna know.


The kid I sh*t. The g*n wasn't in his hand, and Robbie moved the w*apon.

La, la, la, la.

Right, so we got two options, right. I'm finished, done, toast, and you're f*cking toast.

I'll go down, mate.

We both go down, mate.

Cops in jail. Cum in the porridge, razors in the shower.

No. No f*cking way. Right, so press option two.

Right? I sweep the flat. We bag all the footage. Simple.

No, no, no, if you... This is f*cking heavy duty. This isn't me.

Come on, man.

He's gonna squeal. This won't work.

It will work if we f*cking make it work, won't it?

He's gonna shout all about it.

Oh, right, he'll squeal, yeah?

I mean, if we get it all, what's he gonna do? What's he gonna say, eh?

We just put our fingers in our ear and we say, "Prove it, mate, the kid's talking bollocks."

A kid who spent a month filming you?


Little black kid who's got a grudge trying to f*ck us up. It's standard, innit?

Let's do it. Do it. Do it.

Coward: Mate, you're stitching me up.

Yeah, we hear that a lot. It's cleared of firearms, lads.

But a substantial quantity of herbal marijuana from a visual.

He might have binned the g*n, who knows?


Governor says there's rioting in Deptford now.

What do you reckon, Clarkey? Shall we respond?

Got the brass nuts for it?

Now they need us. Now they send for us.

Yeah, well that's how it works, isn't it, Clarkey? That's what we signed up for.

We don't get paid the good money for the days we sit on the carrier.

This is the day we get paid for.

No one needs a bloke any more, do they? Unless everything goes bent.

I want to move in with you. You do know that, don't you?

Yeah, sure. But when?

Wait till he gets off, wait till the bin footage dies down, wait for Easter, wait for the new f*cking iPhone to come out.


Look, I know this whole thing has been a complete mess, but I like you.

Yeah, well it's very hard for me to trust you, you know?

Because I've made a lot of gestures, but we're still sneaking 'round and keeping it quiet.


What now?

Me and Clarkey have been riding each other raw for years. Now we're going legal.

f*ck off.

f*ck off! f*ck off, serious?

Serious. We're moving in together and everyone's gonna find out, so wanted you to be the first.

f*ck me. Under my nose? Story of the century?

Right. Things are getting serious out there.

It's all going bent 'round the South Circular.

Now, the ARV are going out. What about you?

We'll see what we can do.

Thank you.

Right then.

Right. Prawns are back on the menu.

Robbie: I mean, the little prick was filming me on the sly.

He lied to me and he cheated me.

Banjo would go down and I'd go down.

And for what? Nah, we just did a clean-up job, that's all.

Boo-hoo, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

The defendant says he had incriminating film of a police officer.

We stick together.

All for one, eh?


Automated voice: You have one new voicemail.

Lewis: (ON PHONE) Banje. I think we need to have that talk.

I'm on duty now, but I'll speak to you tomorrow, yeah? Bye.

Tony: Whoa!

You all right, mate?



Oh, f*ck this. Where are they?

I thought I'd be cracking chavs' heads like they were boiled eggs.

I'm, uh, just gonna...

All right, boss, mind if we just use the facilities?

Uh, are you wanting a coffee?


It's just, toilets are customer use only.


What, and you're gonna stick to that, are you?

For us?

That's the situation.

That's the situation?

That's the situation.

Otherwise, we'd be cleaning them all day.

What do we get out of it, from our point of view?


Man: (ON TV) ... throughout the city.

The mayor returned to praise and thank the professionalism...

Just checking the facilities, boss.

Equipment check.



Heads up, lads.

Clarkey. Forming up.

Nobbo: (ON RADIO) Forming up, Clarkey. Clarkey? Clarkey?

Clarkey: Oh, f*ck.


Go, go, go, go!



Have you checked the battery on yours? Clarkey?







On the right.


Here we go.

Keep the line.

And you don't think we should just say, "Not today, not now, more prep"?

No. This is it. Today. It's not an interview.

I mean, I'm across everything.

Philosophically, you're impregnable, ma'am.

When you say ma'am, I feel like I'm the Queen and I don't like it.

Apologies, Assistant Commissioner.

Assistant Commissioner, thank you for making time to come in today.

Oh, that's fine. Nothing much going on today.

Oh, I thought that you'd be operationally over-stretched with the civil disturbance.

No, yes. I was joking.

Oh, I see. You were making a joke about the riot.

No, I was making light of the...

Perhaps we could start by going through the various commands a commissioner has under them, and what the current force levels are and what sort of adjustments you envisage making in those.

Yes. I was thinking of talking about the conceptualisation of law enforcements in...

In terms of natural law and Thomas Aquinas and...

So you'll forgive me if I talk in, uh, broad terms.

Well, talk in broad terms if you must, and we'll see, shall we?

If we forgive you.


f*cking bloodbath.

They cut my belly open, pulled my entrails out, and showed them to me.

We all had a bit of a laugh, and then I had to eat them while they watched.

One always feels there's room for improvement in an interview process.

It was like there were three men watching me take the most difficult shit in the world.

I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

I mean, why wasn't I aware?

You were definitely told that would be informal?

That is the impression I was given.


f*ck. What just happened?

I've been f*cked. I've been sandbagged.

Maybe you can play rough.

Assistant Commissioner.


How's it looking?

We're praying for Inspector Rain to move in.

Met Office have said it's, what? 50l50?

Bex is a no-go, and we've had to retreat in Ealing.


Home Secretary?


Well, no, thank you.

Yes, of course. Thank you.

Congratulations, Commissioner.


Congratulations, Charles.


Right, um, I need to meet the Prime Minister.

Liz, Finn. We're wanted at Lambeth command.

Tom. You're not with the groom's party. You're with me.


Finn: So what's our line on the riots?

Charles: Mmm. I'll tell the Prime Minister we have a full force on the streets.

We're draughting in more backup from the regions.



Finn: Jesus!

Shit, what's...


Charles: This is the Commissioner, what's going on?

Man: (ON RADIO) We're just taking you south, Commissioner.

It's got a lot worse, I'm afraid. It's spreading to Central London.

Charles: Shit. Stop the car.

Can we get through?

There's no way through. Turn around. Turn around.

Requesting backup.

Charles: f*cking back up. Reverse!

Driver: I can't.

Charles: We need to reverse.


Charles: Go, go, go, go. Get us out of here.

Charles: All right, Frank. Find us another route.

Yes, I know there is a riot happening. I'm in the middle of it.


I'll f*ck' do ya!

Hold the line!

Lewis: Hold the line, lads.

Hold the line!

Stay back!


Stay back! Get back!

Come on!

Stay back.

Keep clear.

Come on. Let's have it!

Please. Let me through.

f*ck off.

You might want to review your toilet policy, mate.

You seem to have angered some local patrons.

Go on, then.

Where you going? Come back here.

Come on!

Get back. Stay back! Get back!

Get back.

Stay back.

Stay back!

f*cking get back. Get back!

Um, he's insisted on coming to see you directly.

Mia, I'm too busy.

It's about the Karl Jeffries sh**ting.


Lf he's an oddball, call and ask for a peppermint tea, yeah?


Hi. How can I help you?

Hi. Yeah, I um... I wanted to see you.

This should go to DPS.

Professional Standards?

Yeah, but DPS has a certain reputation and... Sorry I, um, saw you give a talk at Paddington Green about openness, and, uh...

Can I trust you?

Yeah. You can trust me absolutely.

Do you wanna...


The Prime Minister has appealed for calm, as he announced that police are now largely in control of London this evening.

He went on to say he had every confidence in newly-appointed Commissioner Charles Inglis being able to return calm to the city, despite reports of widespread looting in the wake of today's disturbances.

Clarkey: I think this is how I would have wanted to go out. Democracy.

You know? Freedom.

Hmm? Equality, maybe.

f*cking good nails. That's what I wanna go down defending.


Lewis: What you doing here? I said we'd talk later.

It's all right, love.

You all right, Clarkey?

Banjo. We're on duty.

Yeah, I know, I know.

See, something ain't felt right lately, and, uh...

I realised what it was.

Yeah, someone's had his prick up my missus.

For God's sake, Banjo, come on.

Now, in nature, if that happened to a stag, they'd find the other stag, go, "Oi, tuck your cock away, give those antlers a polish, "'cause you and me are gonna have a straightener."

A straightener?

Yeah, a straightener.

Are you deaf or f*ck' what, c**t?

No mate, no. Not here.

I want to fight.

Well, I don't want to fight.

Well, you see, I really, really want to fight.

You're being a prick, Banjo.

Right, now if I start fighting you, yeah, very little you can do to avoid being in the fight, is there?

We can't just stand here.

It's okay. Just leave them be.

Now, if you don't fight, makes it quite easy for me.

Also, if you do fight, then I'm quids in, 'cause that's what I want, innit? A f*ck' fight. So...


Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let them have it out.

Ah, shit.

Right, that's enough.

f*ck it. I'm going in.


Stay down. Are you all right, Clarkey? Stay down.

Get off my throat.

Stay down, Banjo.

Calm down, pal. Stay there. Stay there. Calm down. It's over. Stay. You got him.

Calm down.

Yeah, that's exactly what I did.

Tony: I thought you'd wanna know.

Banjo f*cked up. You got it right.

I think you should make a statement.


Get back on the team.


No thanks, mate.

Buddy, we can have a word.

You'll get reinstated, and in a month, you'll...

Why not?

'Cause I don't like sh**ting people any more.

Turns out it don't feel very nice.

Warwick, you were just doing the job, mate.

Yeah, I know.

I did the right thing. Did the job.

But you know what? It's not a very nice f*cking job, and I ain't doing it any more.

Yeah, that's exactly what I did.

I have to say, I don't think we should even be looking at this.

Oh, Christ.

This is... It's... It's inappropriate. It should go to Professional Standards...

Oh, you do love your procedures, don't you?

Call a committee, put on the gloves, maybe they can tell you what's in front of your f*cking eyes?

So we've seen it. Big deal. Who knows if he's even telling the truth?

What do you want us to do?

Put it up. We give it to Gavin and we put it up.

You are amazing. Just when I think you've gone to your most bat shit, MacBook-in-a-yurt-f*cking-cuckoo, bang! You... You take it up a level.

Garvey: This is the perfect response to the garbage can footage.

We will show you something 10 times more damaging ourselves.

We are just... Just getting control of the city back.

Do I need to read you the Riot Act?

The last line is, "Do not restart the f*cking riot."

It would establish him as an unimpeachable advocate of openness and reform.

Sub judice.

Not until somebody's charged.

Look, if I'd shagged my boss and he k*lled himself, I might be a bit more wary about making everything open and transparent 24l7.

Tell me, Finn, what would you do with this?

I would take this to the DPS and I would let them investigate.

And then I personally would use whatever legal and technical arguments I could to delay or stop the release of this damaging material.

You think you can stamp on something like this?

Charles? He's taken it around town. Rumours. Copies.

Gavin, me, the kid who filmed it, the cop who brought it in.

What are you gonna do, k*ll them? Gag them?

Wait for the riot to start the day it does come out? Because it definitely will.

Is there a chance that this might calm things down out there, us coming clean?

f*ck knows. No. Yes.

Twice as bad, half as bad. Who knows?

Look, I'm not saying put it up because I'm some f*cking crusader who wants to die riding into battle. I'm telling you that this is our only winning option.

It would prejudice any future case.

Finn, when you came to me, I listened to you.

Charles is the best man for the job.

Now, listen to me.

This is gonna come out. That's definite. And when it does, it will be very f*cking bad.

Police m*rder. Evidence tampering. Us on the defensive, again.

Hiding behind procedures, again. Expressing sorrow, again.

What if, for the first time, we throw the doors open?

What do you think?

I don't know how we got to this f*cking position.

Honestly... Honestly, I don't know.

Maybe she has a point.


Officer: Robert Bass?

Neil Bancroft?


Officer: Quiet, everyone, please. Quiet.

Thank you.

Thank you for being here. I'm Commissioner Charles Inglis, and this is the Head of Communications, Liz Garvey.

In a moment, we're going to be presenting some video material.

Charles: We are taking the unusual, I think unprecedented, step of bringing to light today material which suggests dishonourable behaviour by one of our officers.

But firstly, can I say that we have seen disgraceful scenes...

When this hits the streets, they are going to explode.

...and I will be bringing the full force of the law to bear on any future instances of public disorder.

You are going to be seeing from this force a new era of transparency, but matched with an uncompromising challenge to lawlessness wherever it is found.

Okay. Could you play the footage, please?
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