01x08 - Series 1, Episode 8

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Cucumber". Aired: January 2015 to March 2015.
Following a disastrous date night with his boyfriend of nine years, middle-aged Henry's old life shatters, and he embarks on a new life with unfamiliar rules. The series explores the passions and pitfalls of 21st century gay life.
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01x08 - Series 1, Episode 8

Post by bunniefuu »

Will you marry me?


Henry was just saying, he wanted a threesome.

And there you are!

I think there's got to be one more cock!

Out there!

You're 46, he's never going to have sex with you.

He is never, ever going to have sex with you, never!

They're suspending you, with immediate effect, without pay.

Why don't you ask him out?

It's all been a bit mental. I sort of got lost.

I've met someone.

Don't you touch me!


Daniel Coltrane has instructed a new defence team.

He's now claiming provocation.

Gay panic.

It's not my fault that he's d*ad.

So you keep saying.

How is it my fault?

It's not my fault! So you... piss off!

I think you should ring the bell while I'm here.

It's my house.

Morning, boys.

Hey, where are you going? Hey!

What are you doing? Who are you?

You are all required to leave this building immediately.

Welcome home, sweetheart!

Hello, mate, just... Can you follow that cab?

(He groans)

Morning. Don't step on me, Mr Best.

Oh, hi.


Shut up.


Oh, my God.

f*ck me, Henry, your sister knows some tricks. I'm raw.

Where are the kids?

They got ripped off their tits and they're sitting on the roof.

Where d'you think they are?

Bobby came and took them home about midnight.

And you kissed him.

Now f*ck off and get me a coffee.



(TV is on)


What time did you go to bed?

We didn't!

Haven't done this for years.

I'm ruined, but I don't care, I did it, I stayed up!

Oh, something smells nice.

It does, doesn't it?

Tell them to hurry up.

Thanks for the party.

Yeah, gotta go, bye.

Morning, my people.

All: Morning!


I blame you! It's your fault.

I went out early, I got bacon and eggs, and halloumi for the lesbians.

And I stocked up the fridge to welcome you home, you bastard.

Nelly, put some pants on.

It's somewhere to park your bike.

That's not what you called it last night.

Henry, how d'you take your coffee?

Just milk, thanks. What d'you mean, last night? Did you two... ?


Maybe... all f*cking night.

Oh, my God, at last! That took 20 years!



Hi there.

Yes, we did.

Why not me?

Why not me?!

Here you go.

That was fantastic, last night. You're a lifesaver.

So, what are you going to do now?

God knows. I'm a jinx.

The last flat I had got flooded.

The one before that was being used by g*n-runners.

Yeah, I'm not kidding. Like, actual g*n.

Er... so I dread to think what's next.

What about you, Freddie? Where are you going to go?

Dunno, I was gonna go to Saul's, but now I've had him, so...

I could always stay at Jude's, but I've slept with her too.

Well, if you need a place where you haven't shagged the landlord, you could always live here.

And you.

All of us.

Why not? Seriously.

Why don't you stay?

We've got three bedrooms, but that's five if we clear out the den and my office.

We could put beds in.

There's two bathrooms.

We can designate one for men, one for women, what do you think?

And... this would be rent free.


That's a deal, you're on!

I'll stay till I'm 56!

Henry, how can you afford that?

Oi! One thing at a time.

But you want to buy a flat, you could save up if you lived here.

You two, we're five minutes away from Palatine Road, it's perfect.

Freddie, you're on seven quid an hour, Dean, you're on even less, this would save you a fortune.

What about bills?

All on me.

I know. Trust me!

But think about it... we could have our own little world.

Not a commune, but a collective.

A great big collective of gay, bi, trans, q*eer...


Not the Welsh.


Seriously, though, Henry, who's gonna pay for all this?

I'll go back to work! Cos I'm gonna get my job back.

With the help of the collective. Which means you... and you.

♪ You gotta realise all your responsibilities ♪
♪ You gotta get out to work and face reality ♪
♪ You gotta get up in the morning take your heavy load ♪
♪ And you gotta keep going down the long black road ♪
♪ Long black road... ♪

And this is my representative, Mr Costello. Cliff, Mr Pablo. And this is Mr Baxter, he's employed within your catering facilities.

I've brought him here today as the official spokesman for the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Other Collective.

Right, that's, um... fine.

I wasn't aware that...

Not that that's a problem, but... can I ask why?

At my request, Mr Costello has discovered that...

Including my client, Mr Best, you have suspended 17 members of staff from 2010 to the present day.

Can I ask, how many of them were gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered or other?

(Recorder beeps)

Now, as you know, I'm not in a position to say.

An employee's sexuality is entirely private, but... are you claiming that our treatment of you was based on your sexual orientation?

Well, is it?

Not at all. Not in any way.

So, if we use the tribunal to ask those 17 about their sexuality, what do you think we'll find?

I wasn't aware that we were having a tribunal, but... are you saying you're the only h*m* we've suspended?

Well, am I?

Can I point out... if you were the only h*m*, out of 17, that would prove we're not biased.

So, all those others are straight?

I'm not saying that at all.

It's perfectly possible that there are more... gay or lesbian... bisexual, trans or... other members of staff amongst the 17.

So, you're saying there are others?

No, that's not what I'm saying.

Then what is it?

Are you saying they're all gay or lesbian or bisexual or transgendered or other?

Well, no, they couldn't be.

Oh. Ouch!

Why couldn't they be? I mean, they wouldn't be. Why wouldn't they? It's not likely.

Why not? 17 of them?

Why not?

It's just... not, is it?

It seems to me that you have, clearly, on the record, just now, speculated about the sexuality of your workforce, out loud, so any further conversation is moot.

Mr Costello?

Mr Pablo, on behalf of Mr Best, I look forward to the tribunal, because the law is magnificent in this regard.

It's not up to us to prove h*m*, it's up to you to prove h*m* does not exist.

Best of luck. Thank you.

(Door shuts)

(Door opens)



Eh? Eh?

Oh! We did it! We did it!

We did it!

Immediate return to work!

I stared him down!

Reinstated, plus an apology, and I'm gonna ask for a promotion.

(Deathly silence)


That's brilliant.

Well done. I've made a big bowl of couscous.

What is it? What's wrong?

Dean's got some news.

We found him.

Found who?

The boy. Cos all those rumours I was talking about, they turned out to be true.

And we've found him.

Now we just need to be sure.

Don't worry. We're all friends.

We just need to be absolutely certain of the facts. So... this is the man?

Yeah, that's him.



So what happened?

It's like I told him.

It was about a few months ago and...

I went down to the New Union and he was there.

He's the m*rder, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

OK. Just tell us about him.

Well, I kind of copped off with him. I mean, we went for a walk and he was a bit weird, talking about sunlight, all this stuff about the sun.

And we walked down Canal Street, and we kind of stopped in a doorway, and we snogged, you know?

And then all of a sudden, he just walked off.

I was like, "f*ck you, then."

And he did this with others?

Yeah, this lad from Hobby's, same thing, snogged him, ran off.

Can you find him, this lad?

Yeah, I know him.

Well, that's good. But you've got to talk to the police, both of you.

I don't see why.

They've arrested him, haven't they?

They did, but...

His defence is saying that on the night he k*lled Lance, he lashed out and panicked because it was the first time he'd ever been with a gay man.

Well, that's not true.


I'll take you to the police.

I'll help you, I'll... I'll... I'll stay with you. I...

Is that all right?

Will you do it?


(Children playing in distance)



We did it.

The Collective.

The Collective.

♪ Calvin Harris - "Feat Tinie"

Tempah: Drinking From The Bottle ♪


♪ We're drinking from the bottle... ♪

This is Adam Whitaker...

And my name's Tomasz Tobiasz!

And this is a world exclusive, we're live-vlogging from... the Collective!


♪ Quincy Jones: "Soul Bossa Nova" ♪
♪ Touch me not ♪
♪ Touch me not ♪
♪ Come back tomorrow ♪
♪ Oh, my heart ♪
♪ Oh, my heart ♪
♪ Shies from the sun... ♪

Right, I'm off for a wank.


I really am.


D'you know what I hate about you lot?

You make me sound like the voice of reason.

Well, for your information, Maureen's getting me three Es for this weekend, the kids are staying with Bobby, I've got Val and Lucinda coming round, and we're getting off our faces.

Don't phone me till Monday night.

Although, on past experience, we'll chicken out and settle for white wine instead, but there you go.

It's the thought that counts.

Oh, it's nice though, isn't it, this?

While it lasts.

Well, yeah.

But we've got quite a little rota going.

It works, the Collective.

I think.

And they all chip in for bills and shopping now.

All the same... it takes a long time.

What does?


But that's OK.

I'll still be here in the end.

Hi. This is so good of you.

Sorry, least I could do, really.

It's not much, it's just his desk and stuff.

I just couldn't bear to throw it away.

Come on through.

We'll go in the garden, yeah?


All right! Keep it down a bit.

Boys. D'you remember Veronica? She worked with Lance?

We're doing hot dogs, if you're hungry.

Although the point is to see Saul eating one.


Saul: f*cking perverts.

Hey, what about me?

You can swallow it whole!

Yeah, and I could!

Great throat action.

(They laugh)

You're busy, I'll...

We're a collective.

Come on, Saul, I've greased it up.

Um... I can't tell, it might be junk, but, you know, I thought I'd let you decide.

There's a load of old holiday brochures for France, but that was years ago now, they're old.

Yeah, we went driving round all the vineyards.

Five years ago, six?

I went to Paris with the school. Très bien.

Oh, my God, that's nice!

Yeah, he didn't keep that on his desk, it was in his drawer.

To be honest... if you pissed him off, he'd open the drawer and say,

"Eff off, Henry!"

I bet he did.

He was nice looking, wasn't he?

He was, yeah.

Um, and things like this.

We've all got one of these, they sent them up from Plymouth, I don't know if you want to keep it, or...

Excuse me? Boys?

If you're going to do that, could you go inside?

Do what?

Toss each other off.

(They giggle)

OK, Freddie, could you both, er... ?


He's fit.

I can see why you chased after him.

Except Lance ended up getting slaughtered.

Right, I didn't... Um...

I'm not sure that's fair.

You make it sound like it was my fault.

Well, you k*lled him.

I did not.

But... you did. I mean, everyone knows that.

He wouldn't be d*ad if it wasn't for you.

So, I k*lled him, did I?

Was that me?

Oh, seriously, was it me?!

Or was it Daniel Coltrane who picked up that club and bashed his head in?

Where was I in the room?

You were standing right there!


What the f*ck d'you sit here thinking, you lot?

It was practically yesterday!

I don't think you're being fair.

Yeah, well, when you're not having a sly little tug and sipping red wine at ten past twelve in the afternoon, you can have an opinion, all right?

It was Henry's fault, wasn't it?

I... I dunno.


Sod it. I'd better go.

I'll leave you to your, er... your... your collective.

I remember the first time that I met you.

Cos I worked with Lance for all that time, and he was lovely to me, he was brilliant, and every single day he'd talk about you.

So I was expecting this really nice man. And in you walk.

Toad of Toad Hall.

Oh, my God.

He loved you... and you treated him like shit.

I said I wouldn't do this.

Think how scared he was.

He must have been terrified.

And he couldn't get out, he was trapped in that room, and there was no way of getting out.

Because you pushed him in there!

And then you locked the door!

(Henry sobs)

Right, Mr B, I borrowed this, if you don't mind, and if you do, it's too late, I'm going home, so thanks for everything, see ya.

Hold on, where's he going?


What, proper home, to his mum?

He told me, they threw him out.

Oh, don't be so stupid, he was making all that up!

It's taken me months to persuade him, I just kept nagging! Bye!

Oh, my God...

Good luck!

Shut up!

Be nice to them!

Leave me alone!

Go on, Dean!

Come on, my son!

f*ck off!

All: Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano! Deano!

(They laugh)

Maureen: I'm gonna miss him.

The idiot.

Look, it's got a balcony, I can wave at the crowds.

The man who lived there dropped down d*ad. Food poisoning, they said.

Terrible way to go.

But I sent the girls in, it's all clean now.

Lovely place to live.

It just means we can spread out, and there's a nice room for Helen.

It's closer for work, it's 30 minutes on the bus from here.

And let's face it, this wasn't going to last for ever.

But you've been happy with us, haven't you?

Oh, it's been amazing, it's been absolutely brilliant.

Except... you know what gay men are like. All those lesbian jokes.

What did you say to them?


What did you say?


What did you say about lesbians?

I said they have no allies in nature.

Which is true.

Thanks for everything!

We'll pay you back... one day!

Good luck, Henry!

And you!

You know where we are!

Hi! Who's in?

Just you and me.

They've gone, the girls.

Vanessa came and picked them up about two o'clock.

Thought that was next week.

No, they said, remember?

They got the keys earlier than they thought.


Where's that Aiden of yours?


Nice lad.

No, I don't know and I don't care.

I, er... did your ironing.

I put it on the bed.

Music: "Digital Witness" by "St Vincent"

♪ Digital witnesses ♪
♪ What's the point of even sleeping? ♪
♪ If I can't show it ♪
♪ If you can't see me... ♪

I've discovered a thing for rucksacks.

You know when you're looking through safe-for-work stuff, and every now and then you find a photo of a man with a rucksack?

It's the straps. On bare skin.

I had no idea.

It's a brand-new fetish, I don't even know where it came from.

Maybe I was molested by a hitchhiker when I was six.

I used to think Lance was stupid.

No offence.

That is a bit offensive.

I never liked Lance, he never liked me. We were perfect equals.

But I thought, "He's an idiot."

Cos you had nine years with him, not f*cking.

He wanted it, but you refused.

You steadfastly would not f*ck.

I thought, "Why did Lance put up with it?"

He was a saint.

No, it was you, Henry.

You're a genius.

Cos you've got this act. You're all wide-eyed and, "Gosh, me?"

All kind of... "Oh, shucks!"

But none of that's true, is it?

Oh, give him a break.

There's nothing innocent about you.

You're so powerful, you bend the world around you.

Well, I wish!

Like me. You did it to me.

Cos I told you, we would never f*ck.

But then I offered you sex.

You manoeuvred me into that position, and then... you turned me down! It was all part of the plan.

OK, can we leave this?

Cos you've made me perfect!

I'm the boy you will never f*ck and never be f*cked by... that makes me Lance.

Oh, my God, I'm Lance! I'm the next Lance!

And I didn't even notice! You're so f*cking clever!

You've moved me in. Here I am. I live with you. We are together.

With no sex.

Because that is the world that Henry wants.

Filled with men, but not one of them penetrating you.

You're a genius!

Christ, Freddie, what have you got stuck up your arse tonight?

You, if you're lucky.

It wasn't that simple.

Lance and I did all sorts of things.

Anyway, it's a shame he's not here to tell us himself.

He always loved this, Chinese.

I phoned Steve this afternoon.

How is he?


He fixed the car.

(TV on low)

Think I'll go to bed.

Night, then.

Yeah, I'll just finish this.

OK. I'll stay up for a bit.

I can see myself out. Off you go.

I'll lock up.


Right then.

I'll say good night.

See you.

Right, that's me done.

OK, I can tidy up, if you want. Won't take ten minutes.

No harm in being polite, I suppose, just this once...

Oh, well, don't mind if I do. Where's this come from?

Oh, you little bastard. Come here...

No, no, no, no, no...

I said no!

D'you want it?

Shouting: Well, come on, then!

Oh... Oh!

Oh! Ohh!

(He moans)

Oh! Yeah! f*ck!

f*ck me!

(Clattering and smashing)

What are you doing?

What are you doing?!


Oh, no way!

That's enough.

Oh, not yet, you little f*ck! Don't do this to me...

See yourself out.

Two minutes! Two more minutes!

(Door shuts)

(Door shuts)

(Door shuts)

(Footsteps downstairs)

(Door slams)

(He sighs)

They've all gone, Meatballs.

I thought so.

I just brought the keys back.

I fixed that decking.

Thank you.

See you, then.


He didn't turn up for work, and Mr Jayasundera said, "Right, that's it!"

"Three strikes and he's out, tell him he's sacked."

And he said it to me, like I'm Freddie's keeper, which I'm not, cos I don't know where he is.

Plus, it doesn't matter anyway, cos according to Billy Dunbar, he knows this girl called Maxine who saw him in Chiswick.

Freddie, I mean. I tried texting him, but no reply.

Nor me.

What's Chiswick like?

Nice, I think.

You see, I knew it, that's Freddie. Always lands on his feet.

D'you think he's gone for good?

Apparently, it's what he does.

I met someone clubbing once, who lived with him down by the waterfront in Bristol.

Did he ever mention Bristol to you?


You see?

He comes and goes.

That's what he did with us, Mr B.

He came and he went.


You were never gonna have him.


Funny thing is... that's what drove him away in the end.

How d'you mean?

Long story.

But I liked him.

I really did.

You don't have to fancy someone to like them.

You're proof of that.


How's your mum and dad?

f*ck off.

(Doorbell rings)

I can't just sit there.

I know.

(Text alert)

(She sighs)


TV: Daniel Coltrane has today been found guilty of m*rder by a jury at Manchester Crown Court.

Judge Timothy Clements said Coltrane showed no remorse for the brutal k*lling of Lance Edward Sullivan at his home in the Stretford area of Manchester...


It's Francesco, isn't it?


Right, sorry. But... you call yourself Francesco sometimes?

Yeah. I used to be in a band.

We met once. I was with my boyfriend.

We met in town, in the Village, we were in Babylon.


We copped off.

And went back to ours for a threesome.

You'll have to narrow it down a bit.

You got arrested.

You're still gonna have to narrow it down.

Black guy?

That's the one.

Yeah, he was all right, the big fella, you were a little f*ck.

You do remember!

When was that?

Oh, months ago, now.

Were you all right in the end? With the police?

Yeah, yeah. Same old shit.

Can you lend me ten quid?

Um... It's just I've been stuck here, and my mate, he promised me a lift and said he were gonna come back and I've just been sat here for hours.

Shit, never mind.

They're all f*cking liars.

Anyway... just thought I'd say hello.

Better be going.

Hey, you two still together?


Well, say hello from me.

He's nice, the big guy.

Yeah, he's lovely.

See you around.


(Phone rings)

(Door shuts)



'Hello, could I speak to the owner of the house, please?'

OK. For God's sake. D'you know what time it is?

'Are you the owner of the house?'

Who wants to know?

I need to speak to the owner of the house.

'Yeah, well, f*ck off!'

You can f*ck right off! All right?

I hope you f*cking die, you f*cking bastard! All right?

Now f*ck off and f*cking die!

Just f*ck off!

(He sobs)

TV: Do you want to give it a good whack? You're not supposed to.

It's completely bad, yeah?

Right? I want you to run downstairs now. And check to see if they'd open the lift, please.

All the way down. All the way down. All the way down.

Faster, faster, faster! Let's go. Let's go.

Music: "This Is The Life" by "Amy Macdonald"

Busker: ♪ Oh, the wind whistles down ♪
♪ The cold, dark streets tonight ♪
♪ And the people they were dancing ♪
♪ To the music vibe ♪
♪ And the boys chase the girl with the curly hair ♪
♪ And the shy tormented just sit way over there ♪
♪ And the songs get louder ♪
♪ Each one better than before ♪
♪ Heard you singing the song ♪
♪ Thinking, this is the life ♪
♪ And you wake up in the morning ♪
♪ And your head feels twice the size ♪
♪ Where you gonna go? ♪
♪ Where you gonna go ♪
♪ Where you gonna sleep tonight? ♪
♪ Heard you singing the song ♪
♪ Thinking, this is the life ♪
♪ And you wake up in the morning ♪
♪ And your head feels twice the size ♪
♪ Where you gonna go, where you gonna go? ♪
♪ Where you gonna sleep tonight? ♪
♪ Where you gonna sleep tonight? ♪
♪ So you're heading down the road in your taxi for four ♪
♪ And you're waiting outside Jimmy's front door ♪
♪ But nobody's in and nobody's home till four ♪
♪ So you're sitting there bored ♪
♪ Thinking, what's to do? ♪
♪ When you're talkin' about Rob ♪
♪ And his motley crew ♪
♪ Thinking, where am I gonna go ♪
♪ Where am I gonna sleep tonight? ♪

I remember, I went into work, on the Monday, and you were gone.

The whole building was in mourning, cos everybody liked that blond boy who worked in the canteen.

Blimey. That was quite a few years ago now.

Well, I can date it exactly.

It was the year that Lance was k*lled.

Long time ago.

I like that. Looks good.

I've kind of changed my mind now.

So where've you been, where did you go?

Why d'you want to know?

I dunno.

We're friends.

We're not really.

We just knew each other once upon a time.

I looked. Online.

Now and then.

You hardly ever post anything.

That's cos I keep getting followed.

And then I stopped after a while.

Last time I searched for your name, you were in Vancouver.

Yeah, that didn't last.

I came back to London for a while.

Then I went to Cornwall.

Ended up in Barcelona, cos of this girl.

Got married.

That turned to shit.

So, what are you doing these days?


How are you doing there, Henry? Are we looking after you?

Yes, all good, thanks. Hello.

How's the project?

What was that?

You had to do a project, you worked late, you had to get it finished by the weekend?

Oh, the schedule, I did it, yes!

I won, I b*at it! In the end.

And, oh, this is Freddie.

Nice to meet you, Freddie. I'll leave you boys to it.

He used to work in that coffee shop in the Northern Quarter, Tazo's, d'you remember? Then he moved to Caffe Nero.

Then to that Pret A Manger on the corner of Oxford Road.

Then he became manager here.

Have you been following him?



Every time he moves coffee shop, do you follow him?


Oh, my God. f*cking hell.

You haven't changed a bit.

He's handsome, though, isn't he?

He's straight.

D'you think?

Christ, have you never even asked?

What's his name?



Sorry, mate, just wondering, um, if you don't mind? Are you straight?

My girlfriend says so.

You f*cking idiot.

After all these years, you're still wasting your time. What's the point?

D'you know, Cleo said the other day, she said, "Freddie Baxter was so rude, what did you ever see in him?" She said, "I bet he's in prison."

Actually, I liked her.

She's got someone.

She's going out with this man called Gopesh.

This is him. Don't criticise him, just be nice, I want niceness.

He's not good enough for her, but there you go.

D'you remember her son Adam? And his vlogs?

He did those vlogs with his mate, Tomasz?

I f*cked Tomasz.

Did you? When was that?

What did you think was happening in your house?

Anyway, you'll like this.

They made 8,000 quid from that vlog.

Next thing you know, Tomasz took the lot!

Stole it! Disappeared. He did a Freddie.

Then, six months ago, he turns up in Chicago.

Still vlogging, but now he's like this Republican shock-jock vlogger!

AIDS is like a filthy f*g disease.

Two million followers! We're gonna get him, the little f*ck.

We've got things he never broadcast.

What happened to Adam?

University, just graduated.

He went to Edinburgh, did Politics.

Please don't say you f*cked him too.

Not that I can remember.

I bet he's straight now, isn't he?

Oh, yeah.

Hi! This is Jocasta!

I always said he'd end up married with kids.

He's gonna look back on that summer when he slept with his best friend like a party you can hardly remember.

Dean's still around.

I bet he is!

I think I worry about him more than anyone.

God knows, he'll get into trouble one day.

I saw him a while back, sailing by with these... gangsters.


And Scotty, d'you remember his little mate from work?

I still see her.

The girls stepped in to help.

Turns out she was looking after her mother single-handed.

If I lose my mum, April, what else am I going to have?

I knew that.

She never told anyone.

I knew.

They had this big intervention.

Made her admit she needed help.

I don't want to complain or no-one to feel sorry for me.

Come on, sweetheart.

Henry: Waterproof mascara, do you... ?

(They all laugh)

You've learnt nothing!

So... she's OK.

They pop round now and then, all of them.

She gets all of that on her plate, and I know what you'll do.

We have "Collective" nights, once or twice a year. We toast you.


We have a nice old time.

Proper little g*ng.

He got 13 years.

For m*rder. Did you see?

I saw, yeah. Sentenced to life with a minimum of 13 years... that was a good day.

I heard. I followed it.

I meant to write to you.

You should've.


I still want to turn on the news and hear that some bastard's gone into his cell and smashed his face in with a hammer for an hour till he's this pulp. A talking pulp.

Every day I think about that. It never fades.

I keep waiting for the day when it's less and it never, ever comes.

I meant to say... when I left that night... I said those things. You...

Actually, I think you were right.

Every word.

Who was Christopher?


Cos I want to know.

He's your brother, is that right?


There just seemed to be... I don't know, some big secret.

No, he's just a bastard.

Simple as that.

He's older than me, and ever since I can remember, he's been trouble.

I mean, brought home by police.

Turning up in Amsterdam, with no money.

He's always in debt. Lying about it.

He gets Mum and Dad dancing round.

When he was a kid they said he had ADHD, then they said he was schizophrenic, then they said he had PD, but I know what it was.

He's a c**t.

That's the diagnosis... c**t.

He even said he was gay once. Just to upstage me.

He did it properly, he brought this boy home for the weekend, he took him upstairs and f*cked him so that everyone could hear.

Aimed at me. All of it aimed at me.

Like he was robbing me.

That's Christopher. OK?

I was always waiting for your big secret.

What d'you mean?

Because of your arse.

I thought, one day, he's gonna say he was abused.

Or scarred. Or a eunuch.

Nope. No secrets.

Have you done it yet?

It's a work in progress. Oh, my God!

Have you done it? Have... Have you been f*cked?

Or did you f*ck? What have you done?

I'm sorry, but it still hurts.

Then you're doing it wrong!

Oh, tell me something new!

Nothing changes!

I met this bloke called... Bruce.

Well, that's cutting out a few stages, there was a Jim... (Coughs) ... and Kofi... (All shout at once) ... and then a Frank.

Now, I know, that was a good photo!

Eventually, I got to Bruce.

And yes. He is... very patient.

Ow, ow, ow... No!

But the point is, he knows. I told him.

Like I did with Lance all those years ago.

So things did change, in the end.

It just took such a long time.

Have you f*cked him?

Kind of.

It just takes so much concentration!

And the fact that you're concentrating means you lose it!

Is there anything more difficult than wrangling a hard-on?

That's it, that's it!

I know.

Keep going.

Yes! I know!

You know what to do. Just close your eyes and think of me.

Oh, I've done that!


I f*ck you. I f*ck Cezar.

I f*ck...


Well... like I said.

Work in progress.

That's good, though.

Is it?

Well, yeah. Isn't it?

I suppose, but... I don't know.

I still think...

I never did get away.

I used to talk about travelling.

Just to have some time off, by myself, so I can think about it properly.

Think about what? Lance?

No, I don't mean Lance. Or you. Or any of that.

What d'you mean?

I just thought...

Oh, my God. All this time has passed and I still haven't done anything about it!

I need to spend six months just walking on a beach.

I should do it now, I should take a sabbatical, I could go abroad.

All on my own.

Or maybe I could just stay at home. That could work.

I just need time to sit and think.

That's all I need.

Lots of time, to sit and think.

And then I might come to terms with it.

With what?

Being gay.
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