02x16 - Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking

[bunniefuu]

JEFF: It's H-A-W-T...
SHIRLEY: Guys, what happened?
JEFF: Apparently, they found him unconscious on a park bench.
ANNIE: Oh, my God, is he okay?
BRITTA: We don't know, we just got here.
NURSE: He's ready for visitors now. He's in 1023.
ANNIE: Hi.
PIERCE: Oh, welcome, my old friends. Welcome.
SHIRLEY: Pierce, what happened? We were all so worried.
PIERCE: It was the pills. They just took me over. I saw awful, horrible things. Demons, Aliens, Critters 3, something called Bruce Willis' Surrogates.
JEFF: [TO ABED] Abed, what are guys doing?
ABED: It's okay, just act natural. [TO CAMERA] Pierce asked me to document his life for historical purposes. At first, I said no. At the risk of sounding overly sensitive, I feel intensely bored by Pierce as a subject. But I'm excited about the narrative of the documentary format. It's easier to tell a story when you can cut to people explaining things.
PIERCE: I’ve called everyone here so that I could put my house in order, bequeath parting gifts, say my final words to each of you.
TROY: Final words? You're gonna k*ll us?
PIERCE: No, dummy, the pills wiped me out. I'm dying.
[ANNIE & SHIRLEY WHIMPER]

PIERCE: [TO CAMERA] I’m not really dying. Over the last few weeks, it's become apparent how little respect this group has for me. So I summoned them here to exact my revenge.
ABED: See? Fish in a barrel.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
♪ Give me some more time in a dream. ♪ ♪ Give me the hope to run out of steam. ♪ ♪ Somebody said we could be here. ♪ ♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year. ♪ ♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay. ♪ ♪ One by one they all just fade away. ♪

ANNIE: I’m so sad, I don't know what to do.
TROY: Usually if I need to cheer up, I just make fun of Pierce, but now it'd just make me sadder. It's Gregory Hines all over again.
JEFF: I’m sure he'll be fine. You know how dramatic Pierce gets. Remember when he had the hiccups and pulled the fire alarm? Just relax.
BRITTA: He's here because we relaxed.
JEFF: No, he's here because he relaxed. A handful of pills at a time. That's all over now, we're here for him. So there's no point in feeling bad.
ANNIE: We know there's no point, we kinda just felt like feeling it.
SHIRLEY: Yeah, Jeff, what are you, Abed? [TO ABED] Oh, sorry, Abed.
ABED: No problem. Doesn't bother me.
NURSE: Mr. Hawthorne is ready to commence his bequeathings.
[TROY GIGGLING]
TROY: Shouldn't you be telling that to an orderly?
ANNIE: He’s gonna give us gifts.
TROY: Cool! I mean… [SADLY] cool.

TROY: I don't want Pierce to die, but if I'm gonna get bequeathed upon, I’d liked to be bequeathed a drum kit or a signed photo of actor LeVar Burton. Those would be my top two wishes. My third wish would be a million wishes. But I’d just use them all on a million signed photos of actor LeVar Burton.

SHIRLEY: Hello, Pierce.
NURSE: Hey.
SHIRLEY: Hi.
SHIRLEY: I got you some things from the gift shop to cheer you up. I got you a John Grisham novel and a funny little coffee mug. See how the flea's doormat says "Dog Sweet Dog"?
PIERCE: Shirley, we both know that you and I are the most hated in the group.
SHIRLEY: We do?
PIERCE: And since in my absence, you'll be the new black sheep or... I'm sorry, that's offensive. Black swan. I want you to have this. It's a compact record and it contains an audio file of your group talking about you while you're out of the room. It's all here, burnt into this diskette by optical lasers.
SHIRLEY: I don't believe you.
PIERCE: I know it sounds like science fiction...
SHIRLEY: No, I don't believe there's anything on that.
PIERCE: Then I guess this is goodbye forever.
SHIRLEY: Goodbye, Pierce.
PIERCE: Smell you later.

SHIRLEY: He said it's a recording of you all talking behind my back.
BRITTA: That's ridiculous.
SHIRLEY: That's what I told him, because you all don't do that, right?
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER P.A.]
NURSE: Mr. Hawthorne is requesting Sour Face.
[BRITTA SIGHS]
BRITTA: Knock, knock.
PIERCE: Is that you, death?
BRITTA: It's Britta.
PIERCE: Oh.
BRITTA: I just wanna tell you that you don't have to give me anything. I'm happy to just spend time with you. You know what Dylan Thomas said about death?
PIERCE: No, tell me.
BRITTA: Okay, bluff called.
PIERCE: Britta, you're the selfless one in the group, right?
BRITTA: Wouldn’t know. I haven't thought about myself in years.
PIERCE: That's what makes you the perfect recipient of this bequeathment. It's a check for $10,000, with the payee line blank. So that you can give it to the charity of your choice.
BRITTA: Wow. Pierce, this is surprising. After what you gave Shirley, we thought you were playing mind games. Thank you.
PIERCE: Course, if you're so inclined, you could always write your own name in there. Toodles.

ANNIE: I don't wanna die in a place like this. People shouldn't die in the same place People magazines do.
SHIRLEY: I hope to die surrounded by my family.
JEFF: Only way I’d agree to be by family.
TROY: Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a su1c1de caused by the cancellation of Firefly. [TO ABED] We're gonna get that show back on the air, buddy.
How'd it go?
BRITTA: Huh? Oh, fine. He gave me a check for $10,000 to give to the charity of my choice.
ANNIE: See? He's not messing with us. Maybe he just hates Shirley.
SHIRLEY: What?
BRITTA: Yeah, maybe. [TO CAMERA] I need to research a few charities because some take a lot off the top. You think you're giving money to people that need it, and you're really giving it to some middle man who's gonna pay off their parking tickets, credit cards, and keep from getting kicked out of her place in... April. Hah.

NURSE: He'd like to see Annie next.
JEFF: You know what? No. He'll see Jeff next.
NURSE: But you're not...
JEFF: Or what? You'll do twice as much work as a doctor for half the pay?
NURSE: Thank you?
BRITTA: Called a "complisult." Part compliment, part insult. He invented them, I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an "explanabrag."
PIERCE: Hello, Jeffrey.
JEFF: Pierce.
PIERCE: I’ve thought about this day many times, but I’ve always imagined it differently. For starters, I thought you'd be the one in bed and I’d be a hologram.
JEFF: What?
PIERCE: Never mind. There's no time for that now.
JEFF: Pierce, it’s starting to seem that you're using the social leverage afforded you by your alleged deathbed, to exact complicated acts of psychological vengeance on those closest to you.
PIERCE: Vengeance? Oh, no. I was never one to hold a grudge, Jeffrey. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that. You get along with your father?
JEFF: I got along without him.
PIERCE: Oh. That's no good. You don't want your dad to die before you tell him how you feel.
JEFF: I’m sure. Let's nip this in the bud. Pierce, we're sorry we didn't respond quickly enough to your pill addiction. Is there any chance that apology is enough?
PIERCE: Are you ready to be bequeathed upon, Jeff?
JEFF: Yeah. Blow my mind.
PIERCE: I found your father.
JEFF: Did you now?
PIERCE: William Winger, born Oklahoma City, 1945. 1974, married Doreen Fitzgerald, divorced in 1983. Most recently, residing in Dorchester. Currently sitting in a Town Car on its way to this very hospital. Should be here in an hour or so. Give or take a father.
JEFF: That it?
PIERCE: Yep.
JEFF: All right, see you at the funeral.
PIERCE: And so it is bequeathed.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
What are you gonna say to your dad?
JEFF: I’m not gonna say anything. I won't have to because Pierce is playing head games with us.
BRITTA: I’ve decided not to listen to it.
JEFF: What?
SHIRLEY: I’m not gonna listen to the CD of you guys talking about me because I forgive you.
BRITTA: How do we know what we're being forgiven for? We don't even know what's on there.
SHIRLEY: And you never have to. Hmm?
BRITTA: What if he is coming? What are you gonna say to him? Here. I’ll be him, I’ll be him. Hi, hey. Hi, I'm Jeff's dad, hi.
JEFF: Hi, Jeff's dad, I'm Britta's dad.
BRITTA: What? Why?
JEFF: I don’t know. Got drunk, didn't have a condom. And her mom gets freaky when she hears Oingo Boingo.
BRITTA: Wish I could relate but, like my son, I'm a closet h*m*.
JEFF: Don't apologize. You're talking to the guy that banged Britta's mom. I have no standards.
BRITTA: What do you say we take a tumble?
JEFF: That’s it. You're under arrest, I'm an undercover cop.
BRITTA: It's not illegal to be gay.
JEFF: It is here in Iran.
BRITTA: Not when we're in the Green Zone.
JEFF: That's Iraq, stupid.
BRITTA: Well, what do I know? I'm Jeff Winger's dumb gay dad.

JEFF: [TO CAMERA] My father was a two-bit con man of so little substance, he couldn't leave a trail if he wanted to. I don't care if Pierce hired Scotland Yard, he isn't gonna track him down from a hospital bed. Money can't just make people appear.
LEVAR BURTON: Excuse me. I'm looking for Troy Barnes. Pierce Hawthorne sent me. [TO TROY] Hey, Troy? Hi. I'm LeVar Burton.
ANNIE: [INCREDULOUS] Pierce got LeVar Burton to come here for Troy? Is there anyone he can't produce?
SHIRLEY: Now I'm really getting mad. Why am I the only one he decided to t*rture?
TROY: [TO CAMERA] I told Pierce a thousand times I never wanted to meet LeVar in person! I just wanted a picture! You can't disappoint a picture! I hate you, Pierce! Aah-hah! I hate you so much! [SCREAMS]

SHIRLEY: [CLEARS THROAT] Annie, I forgive you.
NURSE: Annie Edison? Your bequeathal is at hand.
ANNIE: Do you have a regular job here?
PIERCE: Annie, I know you're being strong for me, I give you permission to weep.
ANNIE: I’m crying on the inside.
PIERCE: Gross. Well, in any case, I wanna give you this. It's been in my family for six generations. Now it's yours.
ANNIE: Thank you.
WOMAN: [OVER P.A.] Wheelchair assist in Admitting. Could I please have a wheelchair assist in Admitting, please?
[SHIRLEY SIGHS] Mm-mm. [CHUCKLES]

ABED: Jeff, do you wanna see your dad?
JEFF: He's not coming.
ABED: But do you wanna see him?
JEFF: No.
ABED: Then why aren't you leaving?
JEFF: Because I don't care and I'm not gonna let him think that I care.
ABED: Your dad or Pierce?
JEFF: There is no dad. And get this thing out of my face. And don't you dare intercut this with footage of me freaking out. [IN FOOTAGE] Aah! Ha-ha-ha.
ABED: Is there footage of you freaking out?
JEFF: Abed, I'm gonna k*ll you and Pierce and Britta and anyone else who thinks I care about any of this.

LEVAR BURTON: So do you go to school nearby? Well, are you more familiar with me from Star Trek or Reading Rainbow? Reading Rainbow was the show I hosted and produced for 25 years on PBS. Ever seen it?
[TROY SINGING READING RAINBOW THEME SONG] [SOBBING]
TROY: Oh. Set phasers to "love me."

ANNIE: What does it mean?
PIERCE: What do you mean?
ANNIE: No riddles. You're screwing around with everyone. You gave me a tiara, what does it mean? Are these blood diamonds? Are they Holocaust diamonds?
PIERCE: No!
ANNIE: Well, what does it mean?
PIERCE: It means you're my favorite.
ANNIE: What does that mean?

BRITTA: I did it, I gave away the money. The Red Cross. You know what that makes me? A terrible person, because if that camera wasn't on me, I would have taken that money right out of the mouths of crippled, starving, malaria-ridden refugee kids. And now I know that forever. Thanks, Pierce.
SHIRLEY: Britta, you've got to forgive yourself. I've forgiven all of you for the horrible things...
BRITTA: Oh, for crying out loud. We're gonna listen to it.
SHIRLEY: I don't wanna listen to it. Britta, please. Britta. Britta, wait. Britta.
SHIRLEY [ON RECORDING]: I'll be right back. Don't learn anything without me.
PIERCE: So how much do we all hate Shirley?
ANNIE: Pierce, knock it off.
JEFF: Hey, James Bond, stop trying to record us with that stupid spy pen.
ABED: We can see the blinking light.
TROY: Why do you keep trying to record us bad-mouthing each other?
JEFF: He thinks friendship is a competition, and he's trying to get the upper hand.
PIERCE: You think Shirley's any different?
ALL BUT PIERCE: Yes.
JEFF: Moron.
SHIRLEY: Hello.
BRITTA: [NON-RECORDING] I guess we do owe you an apology. We shouldn't have said those things about you.

SHIRLEY: I guess the lesson here is that I sometimes use guilt as a w*apon.
ABED: What are you doing?
SHIRLEY: Oh, just sh**ting a talking head. Or did you want me to be the only one who didn't have one?
ABED: No, go ahead.
SHIRLEY: I think it stems from when I was...

JEFF: So you found my father?
PIERCE: Yes, he's on his way. I mean, if this is too much to handle, I completely understand and I can call it off.
JEFF: Actually, I think I'm ready to see him.
PIERCE: Good. Good for you.
JEFF: Oh. I should probably tell you. If you're lying to me, if my father isn't coming, if a car pulls up and anyone other than my father steps out, say, an actor, or you in a wig, if you pull any Ferris Bueller, Parent Trap, Three's Company, F/X, F/X 2: The Deadly Art of Illusion bull****, I will b*at you. And there will be nothing madcap or wacky about it. Understood?
PIERCE: Crystal.

LEVAR BURTON: Hi.
BRITTA: Hey.
LEVAR BURTON: I'm LeVar.
BRITTA: Oh, I know. I was a huge fan of Robocop. It was canceled before I was born but I scored some VHS copies. I was nostalgic from a very early age.
LEVAR BURTON: Cool. Hey, you know, I assumed that Troy was a fan, but he hasn't said a word since I got here. And now I’ve gotta catch this flight...
BRITTA: No, no, you can't go. He loves you. He talks about you all the time. How much would it cost to change your flight till tomorrow? Is $261 enough? Because that's all I’ve got.
LEVAR BURTON: That's all you've got?
BRITTA: Yeah.
LEVAR BURTON: No, you keep your money. I'll reschedule.
BRITTA: Oh, my God, Thank you. He's gonna be so happy.
LEVAR BURTON: You know, you are a very generous friend. But you're really stupid with your money.
BRITTA: [TO CAMERA] It's not that I'm selfish, it's just that I'm really stupid with my money. Which is why I'll never have a lot of it. And because I'm a really generous friend. Problem solved, dilemma deleted. Britta for the win. Oh. Thank God he didn't take it. Could you imagine bouncing a check to Kunta Kinte?

[CELL PHONE RINGING]
JEFF: [INTO PHONE] Hello?
MAN: Jeffrey? This is your father.
JEFF: Uh-huh.
MAN: It's me, here in this sedan. See? I'm waving. I'm sorry I can't come any closer, my boy. This is too difficult. You look too much like your mother. No, don't come closer. As you were. I have to catch a flight to Katmandu, but I just wanted to say cherish the new friends that you've made. They're your true family now.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
PIERCE: No, don't open... It'll be too hard on both of us. Aah! JEFF: Son of a...
PIERCE: Jeffrey, I'm dying.
JEFF: Quiet.
TROY: Jeff!
BRITTA: No, no, no.
PIERCE: [TO CAMERA] When you improvise a plan, sometimes you hit a speed bump, and sometimes you hit it so hard, that you soar through the air, far beyond your initial expectations. I set out to take revenge on Jeff Winger, to scare him with the ghost of his father. Instead, I took over the role of his father. Helped make him a better man. It'll be a long time before Jeff Winger underestimates me again. Ha-ha-ha... Ow, ow, ow!
JEFF: Why would you do something like this?
TROY: Come on, Jeff.
JEFF: What?
PIERCE: Because I'm sick of you people not taking me seriously. You forget my birthday. You don't invite me to your Dungeons & Dragons games or your secret trampoline. You guys think I'm some kind of a joke.
JEFF: This isn't disproving the theory.
PIERCE: Good point.
JEFF: What'd you say?
TROY: No, Jeff.
JEFF: What did you say?
JEFF: [TO CAMERA] Apparently, I need to say some things to my father. Things that I may have screamed at Pierce instead. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it, but my father deserves it too.

ANNIE: Pierce? I figured out your test. Crowns, presents, punishments, favorites. You're trying to show me the dangers of my own elitism. My constant striving to be the best. So I'm re-queathing this tiara. If I become the person who thinks it's their place to pick favorites and t*rture the rest, I’ll die sad and alone. And that's what you were trying to teach me.
PIERCE: Very good, Annie. You pass. [DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES] She's actually just my favorite.

ABED: I thought the documentary format would be like fish in a barrel. But as is the case with a real barrel of fish, after a while it can become cramped, chaotic and stinky.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
ABED: Fortunately, if your documentary is turning out just as messy as real life, wrap it up with random sh*ts which, when cut together under a generic voice-over, suggest a profound thematic connection. I'm not knocking it. It works.

TROY: Guys.
BRITTA: Oh.
ANNIE & SHIRLEY: Aww.
PIERCE: Jeff and I became kind of like father and son today.
JEFF: No, we did not.

LEVAR BURTON: Troy, I am telling you, man, this salmon is really good. [SIGHS] Would you mind passing me the pepper? [SIGHS] [SINGING READING RAINBOW THEME SONG]
TROY: [WHIMPERS] [SCREAMING AND SOBBING]
LEVAR BURTON: Oh, well. More fish for Kunta.