02x18 - Custody Law and Eastern European Diplomacy

[bunniefuu]

[###]

[ALL CHATTERING]

Annie, two gifts? Thank you.

I wanted to get a doll, and since the father might be Andre or Chang, I wanted all ethnic bases covered.

So there's a little African-American girl... and a letter from the manufacturer promising to expand their selection.

Oh, is everyone enjoying their egg rolls andlor mieliepap, a traditional maize porridge popular in Ghana?

Annie, baby showers can be race neutral.

Yes, thank you for trying to be inclusive, but regardless of any biological happenstance, this baby'll be raised by Andre and I.

That's right. I seem to recall a story about a man named Joseph who raised a baby that wasn't his.

History's greatest chump. We're talking about Joe Kennedy, right?

It's cool. If it's mine, ill be a lovable uncle.

Okay, a creepy uncle, final offer.

From me and Troy. When your child's a scavenger of the nuclear wasteland, water will be worth gold.

We wanted to get a sawed-off shotgun, but those were pretty expensive already.

You people eat this? I've never seen that in my life.

You really shouldn't say "you people."

Pierce was having trouble quitting offensive phrases.

We've created a bargaining system.

We traded "you people" for his other favorite phrases.

Yeah, I really got Jewish-personed out of that one.

Chang: Here, open mine. Thank you.

A cigar cutter, Maxim and hot sauce. It's a theme gift.

Yeah, the theme is "stuff lying around my apartment."

Sorry I'm late. Can I get a ni hao up in this hizzy?

Why is everyone in this school obsessed with race?

White people problems.

Pelton: Ooh.

That looks fun.

Oh, Troy, Abed. Who's that cute guy that I saw you outside with earlier?

Lukka, our friend. He's in Troy's class. He's awesome.

He has an accent, rolls his cigarettes and plays the same video games as us.

We like him a lot. So you're not allowed to bone him.

You just guaranteed she'll bone him.

[MOANING]

Who am I kidding? I should be putting this right on my thighs.

Please. In my country, we give 9 mm to little girl for sweet 16.

Try grenade launcher. Cool.

[expl*si*n AND SCREAMING ON VIDEO GAME]

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

Knock, knock. Hey, I was just stopping by.

Oh, is this a bad time?

Troy & Abed: Yeah.

Gentlemen, that's no way to treat a girl that looks this way. Come in.

I'm Lukka. Britta.

Like Britney Spears? Exactly like Britney Spears.

♪ Hit me with your genie's bottle Rub it all over me ♪♪

Britta was just leaving. No. Stay.

Visit with your friends.

I must go anyway. Ohh.

I'm cooking podvarak. I never had that.

I could make for you.

Troy & Abed: Ohh.

Okay, I'll give you my number.

Troy & Abed: Oh!

Lukka: You are her boyfriends? No!

[LAUGHS]

I love these guys. They make funny with their mouths.

Here you go.

I leave.

Britta: Okay.

What? He asked me out.

Not allowed.

Britta: Not allowed?

You'll ruin him. Ruin him?

Stop repeating. Stop re... Remanding me.

Explain why ill ruin him.

You date guys that we think are cool, and when you don't like them, you tell us horrible things about them.

Name one guy.

Carl, Todd, Kyle, Richard. Jeff. Fred. Tall Kyle. Jeff.

Jeff? I ruined Jeff? Jeff "Nipple Play" Winger?

No, we're still hanging out with him. How's it going, Jeff?

Promise you won't date Lukka, ill give you a sweatshirt I made for paintball.

Pssh! You should've given me one a long time ago. I kicked your asses.

[IMITATES LASER g*n]

Don't date Lukka.

Hit my genie bottle? What the...? What was that?

[###]

Oh, oh. Jeff? I'm hoping you can help me with something.

Sure, let's have a look here.

Pieces of paper stapled together, a lot of writing.

This is as far as I can go.

I don't want you to read it. Help me get Chang to sign it.

It's a little something I had an attorney draw up.

This is a forfeiture of parental rights.

Mm-hm. Better safe than sorry.

Why do you need me to make Chang sign away his baby?

Isn't he living with you? Not cool.

You have a rapport with him. Not cool.

Besides, as your friend, can I tell you? Don't poke that bear.

I think, right now, you're as protected as you can get.

I don't see Chang as being a real hands-on baby-daddy.

Oh. Now we're in the business of knowing what's going on in Chang's head, huh? Huh?

Fine, for the child.

God bless you. Not lately.

[###]

I'm, um... I'm so sorry, but could you just not tell Troy and Abed that we went out tonight?

No problem. It's just...

Um, they're just really worried if you and I, you know, see each other, it's gonna affect your friendship with them.

Don't worry. Don't worry. I can keep a secret.

Oh, good. I'm from the Balkans.

There are many things I try not to talk about.

Oh.

Lukka, I knew it.

I knew there was pain in there.

Just so you know, you can talk to me about anything.

[SIGHS]

So much k*lling.

The corpses stacked like firewood.

The rivers red with their blood.

I miss it so much. Lukka.

Mm. Wait, just, um... Just to clarify.

When you say you miss it, it's like you have survivor's guilt.

You wish you were back over there, defending the motherland?

Yes, I miss cleansing our fields and forests of the unclean people who stole my country.

I miss the smell of the villages burning. Heh.

I miss the way they used to run from our tanks in fear.

[TROMBONE PLAYING]

Damn it. My neighbor is jazz musician.

Hey, Spencer. Come on, man. I have woman in here.

Great. He really knows how to k*ll the mood.

[DOOR OPENS]

What are you doing? Did you look for a job?

I was going to, but I noticed your coffee table was wobbly, so I decided to fix it.

Agh!

Must be the floor. Don't saw the floor.

Don't saw anything. I'm tired of confiscating saws. Give me that.

Take this.

Parental rights?

You're adopting me?

It's from Shirley. It gives her and Andre the baby. Sign it.

Oh, and if anyone asks, this was my most convincing speech ever.

[###]

Why are you crying?

Ugh. Don't tell me you wanted to be a father.

I don't know.

Maybe.

I mean, what if this is my last chance?

Between you and me, I don't Chang a lot of chicks.

But fathers are responsible. They have jobs.

You crash on people's couches and twitch in your sleep like a dog dreaming of a rabbit.

It's real. You don't... Wait.

[###]

So you're saying if I get a job and my own apartment, Shirley might let me be part of my baby's life?

Yes.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

So does that mean I can? Go for it.

[CHUCKLING]

Where do you keep getting these?

[###]

Hey, guys. Where are you going?

Grabbing lunch for a video-game session with Lukka.

Fork foods. Don't wanna grease up the troops.

Speaking of Lukka, how much do you know about him? Why?

You start dating him? You wanna tell us horrible things?

What? No.

Abed: Good.

Lukka's gonna teach us how to break the will of an entire village.

That sounds horrific.

Ugh. Girls are so undesensitized.

[###]

Jeffrey.

Hey, guys. Hi.

So how'd the talk go with Chang?

About that. I gave my most convincing speech ever and it didn't take.

Didn't take? We're not giving him a perm, we just need him to sign.

"Need" is a strong word. I think Shirley would feel comfortable if we had something in writing.

However, I believe that we can handle whatever obstacle comes our way.

Aww. Baby.

Well, good morning, everybody.

Did you see the stock market today? Up, down, pick a direction. Huh?

I don't know about you, but ive been circling these want ads all morning.

Now, who wants to take a break and build a birdhouse?

Chang, what's going on?

Just getting my act together. I got a baby coming.

I can almost hear the pitter-patter of Chinese feet across the treetops.

And when that happens, I gotta be the best dad I can be.

Right, Jeff? Huh?

Come on, don't leave me hanging, my main mentor.

Oh, hey, is that a reason to leave? Hm?

Jeffrey. Excuse me. Jeffrey.

Excuse me.

Chang: Let me ask you a question.

Why do I have to put the VCR on three if Bones is on five?

Jeff. Jeffrey.

I know you're not gonna make a pregnant woman run.

[###]

I know you're not gonna make a pregnant woman walk this distance between us.

So I ask you to help me, and you take that as an opportunity to get Chang out?

Hey, who am I to stand in the way of someone?

Am I daytime television? Very cute.

How cute's it gonna be when that lunatic is dangling my baby over a lion cage on alternate weekends?

Pretty cute. Are they baby lions? New low, Jeff. Even for you.

Shirley... Mm!

Right. I'm not gonna make a pregnant woman storm off.

Mm-mm.

Look at them run. They must die like the maggots that they are.

I didn't know we got points for k*lling villagers.

He's amazing. And I thought I knew everything about this game.

[KNOCKING]

Britta. Hi, Lukka.

No! Unbelievable.

Guys, calm down.

I'm just here for my "Trekkies do it in the final frontier" hat.

That's my hat. Really?

Are you sure? Yep.

[g*nf*re AND SCREAMING ON VIDEO GAME]

Hey, Lukka, you are really good at this game, and there must be a reason that you are so good at this game.

Though your flirtation technique is hilarious, it's distracting.

Lukka is kicking serious ass right now. He just set fire to a farmers' market.

Bang, bang, you're dead! Ha-ha-ha.

Save your tears for your dog mother in hell.

[TROY & LUKKA LAUGHING]

[ABED BARKING]

Okay, fine.

Wait a minute.

You have DVD Blu-ray disc, Kickpuncher 3: The Final Kickening?

You let me borrow, no?

Sorry. Thanks to Pierce, who kept writing "this side up" on my discs, I have a strict no-lending policy on my DVDs.

What would happen if somebody broke that rule?

They'd be dead to me forever.

Maybe we watch Kickpuncher 3: The Final Kickening together.

Britta: Yes, Lukka, maybe we do.

Maybe we do.

Would you please leave? I don't want wanna play anymore.

I feel sick. She's strange.

[###]

Can I talk to you for a second? Can't talk till I see my face in this.

Well, can I give you some advice, dad-to-dad?

Hold on, hold on. Where's my pipe? Okay.

What's on your mind, neighbor?

Look, it's great you're trying to get your life together, but for your sake and for Shirley's, you need to relax a little.

Oh, I see what's going on. Yeah?

You're scared. No.

Feel me coming up on your tail, huh?

No, no. Man, listen.

I've been a father for 11 years and a good one for nine of those.

I'm there when they're sick, pick them up from school.

Help them with their homework. It's not how you act, it's what you do.

Well, I do. You think that pool table put aluminum siding on itself?

[FABRIC TEARS]

Yeah, see, that's not what I'm talking about.

That's too bad. What did that?

I'll go ahead and consider that point missed.

[###]

I got your text. What's going on?

Something happened.

My Kickpuncher 3: The Final Kickening DVD is missing.

That's awful. Somebody took it? Who would...?

Wait, Kickmuncher 3?

Wasn't that the movie that Lukka was...?

You don't think...?

Unless...

You don't suppose... However... No.

That would mean that you guys would have to stop hanging out... No!

We have video of you taking the DVD. What?

Lukka [on computer]: Watch, I got this guy... Lookit. Lookit.

[TROY YELLS ON RECORDING]

Troy: One more, brother, you get... Yeah.

You have a security camera? It's for a documentary I'm making.

It's footage of me watching dailies, but it comes in handy.

I don't understand why you would pin it on Lukka.

Now you're just ruining cool guys for fun.

It's just cruelty, Britta, you're inhuman.

You're an inhuman person. A monster.

Lukka's a monster for realsies.

I did this so you'd stop hanging out. He's a w*r criminal.

You're embarrassing yourself. In what w*r is he a criminal?

The battle for our affections?

Uh, how about the genocide in the Balkans?

Mm, yeah. You would say that.

You just got caught red-handed borrowing a DVD without permission.

[###]

You guys have to believe me. He's so much worse than Tall Kyle.

[CHANG & KIDS SINGING IN SPANISH]

Hey, jefe.

[KIDS SPEAK IN SPANISH]

What are you doing? Who are these tiny people?

I picked up Shirley's kids, and I'm helping out with their homework.

Hey, kids. Hey.

Hey, watch the cardigan.

What? Why? To prove I'm a responsible dad.

This proves you're a kidnapper. I am nuts! Get with the program!

What have I done? I can't believe I said you could be a father.

I can be. You can't be anything, you never will.

I pretended to have faith in you to get you out of my apartment.

Now, call Shirley and beg forgiveness.

Kids, why don't you get your stuff together? ill take you home.

Who's Shirley? Shirley's your mom, dumb-ass.

Our mom's name is Loquanda. Hey, hey. That's r*cist.

Wait, is your mom's name really Loquanda?

Yeah. You said you're a friend of hers.

Why didn't you know that, dumb-ass?

I do. I was just playing an educational game with you.

Right. Don't give me that lip.

Kids, you mind waiting in the hallway?

Yeah, no problem. Go ahead.

I want you to understand something. Yes.

You are a horrible human being. I will never feel sorry for you again.

I don't care what happens to you, and when I get back, I want you gone.

Believe me. I will definitely be far, far away from here.

[###]

Hi, policemen. How much do you pay for anonymous tips about kidnappings?

Okay, fine. This one's on me.

[###]

You're free to go. Here's your wallet, keys and pasties.

They're nipple guards for running. Olympic athletes use them.

I worked at a maximum-security prison, those are the gayest things I've seen.

Well, I find that hard to believe.

Jeffrey, I spoke to the boys' mother, she's not gonna press charges.

Are you okay? Oh, I'm fine.

I spent the night learning arts and crafts from my cellmate, Chabo.

Did you know you can make an ashtray using a snitch's forehead?

Yeah.

Look, Shirley, I'm sorry I tried to capitalize on your situation with Chang.

Apology accepted.

Punishment is time served.

Chang: There's no cell that can hold Chang.

Officer: Cut it out, get down the hallway. Come on.

Winger. Thank God you're all right. I've been looking all over...

Hey, Tracy, what's up, baby?

Why are they arresting Chang? Loquanda wasn't pressing charges.

I talked her into going after Chang for child endangerment.

He could get three to five years. You sure that's what you want?

Because if we put our heads together, we could be rid of him for 20 to life.

Really? Oh, absolutely.

I'd testify that he tried to sell those kids to me.

Throw in that he was teaching them Spanish, any DA worth his salt could make a case for trafficking.

I like how you're thinking.

What is wrong with you two? Why are you doing this?

I'm doing this for us.

We have a second chance. I want everything to be perfect.

That's what you wanted the first time around.

You did everything to make everything perfect, and look what happened.

You cheated because I wanted what was best for our family?

No. I cheated because I was a coward.

You took me back because while I was gone you learned to accept the bad with the good.

Oh, that's the Greendale effect.

Our school motto is "lower your standards."

Look, I know you are ashamed about what happened with Chang.

Hell, I am too.

But locking that little man up is not gonna make our lives any less crazy.

It will only make prison crazier.

I guess you're right.

It's impossible to keep the chaos from your lives.

We learned that in that movie we saw with all those dinosaurs.

Jurassic Park? No, It's Complicated.

[CHANG SCREAMING]

Okay, okay. Time out, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to you, you, Officer Baby.

Officer: Let's go, buddy.

Chang: No!

Come on, you're coming with me. No! No!

[###]

Britta? What?

You guys want me to ruin something for you?

Come on, you're being dramatic.

We asked Lukka a few questions after what you said.

He told us about his time in the army and the things he did...

I'm never gonna get those images out of my head.

If I go to Balkans, I'm bringing some serious cheat codes.

Why didn't you tell us sooner?

I didn't wanna be the one to ruin another guy for you guys.

There's a difference between telling us a guy likes nipple play and telling us a guy makes hats out of babies.

The reason this happened is because we've been riding you hard lately.

How about we promise to go easier on you, if you promise not to tell us about guys you're dating unless they've committed genocide?

Or if they're left-handed. I wanna know. I'm making a chart.

Deal.

[###]

I guess I ruined game night.

I tend to ruin stuff.

Come on. You do not.

Wanna watch Catfish? That movie where the guy flirts with the girl online, but it turns out that it's a fat, old woman?

Oh. Sorry.

It's cool.

Maybe it's about catfish.

[###]

Well, this was fun.