03x04 - Remedial Chaos Theory

[bunniefuu]

Britta: Didn't they say 304?

Annie: No, 303. I wrote it down twice.

Troy & Abed: ♪ Troy and Abed's new apartment! ♪

Annie & Britta: Hiiii!

Troy: Come on in.

Annie & Britta: Wow.

Annie: What a great place.

Britta: You guys— you guys look so fancy.

Abed: Thanks. We read a book on how to be the perfect party hosts. Rule number one— dress to impress.

Troy: Rule number two— avoid touchy topics like the n*gro problem. The book was written in the '40s.

Abed: Yeah.

Shirley: Oh, good, you guys are finally here.

Britta: Finally?

Abed: Shirley showed up at 3:00.

Shirley: Time flies when I'm baking.

Troy: No, it doesn't.

Annie: Oh, the door downstairs was propped open with this.This is really unsafe. Anyone could have just wandered into your building.

[Buzzer sounds]

Troy: Like one of our guests? I'll be right back.

Abed: Thank you, Troy. [TO ANNIE & BRITTA] Let me give you ladies the grand tour. Bathroom, kitchen, who cares, and this is my scale model of the rolling Boulder scene from raiders... With actual rolling boulder. Ooh.

Voice Recording: Adiós, Sapito.

Annie & Britta: Ahh.

Abed: Pretty cool, huh?

Britta: Super cool. And sexy. Super sexy cool.

Annie: Overselling it.

Shirley: I made pizza.

Abed: But we ordered real pizza.

Shirley: Well, there's nothing more real than homemade. You didn't have some of the ingredients, so I used ketchup and cream cheese.

Abed: We ordered real pizza.

Annie: Okay. Hey, got you that.

Troy: Bienvenido de la Casa Chez Trobed.

Jeff: Very nice. Oh, look, Indiana Jones and the apartment of perpetual virginity.

Troy: Chop busted, fellow adult, chop busted.

Pierce: It's nice. Not mansion-nice, but it's nice. Didn't you used to live in a mansion with me?

Troy: Yeah, but this is more my speed and century.

Pierce: Doesn't bother me. I've hardly missed you at all since I had you removed from my portraits. [TO JEFF] Jeff! Check it out. Serbian rum. So strong it is banned there. Banned in Serbia, Jeff. [Chuckling] Let that concept sink in.

Jeff: Yeah, well, you enjoy. I have to leave early.

Abed: Oh?

Jeff: Yeah, sorry. I've got an invite to the opening of a new club. Look at this place. It's like it was designed for me.

Abed: It was. I made that in Photoshop and mailed it to you a month ago so that you'd keep tonight open on your calendar.

Jeff: There's no such thing as single malt platinum boobs and billiards club? [Sighs] I guess I never said it out loud.

Abed: Tonight we offer something far more than boobs and billiards.

Jeff: What?

Troy: One word, two syllables.

Jeff: Don't say charades.

Troy & Abed: Yahtzee!

Jeff: Is charades off the table?

Troy: Come on. And... Okay. Now... "How to play Yahtzee."

Pierce: Is there nothing from our youth that these companies won't repackage for a buck? Call it Yahtzee all you want. Everybody knows it's Puerto Rican chess.

[Doorbell buzzes and Annie gasps]

Jeff: Annie, it's just the pizza.

Abed: We can't buzz him up. Someone has to go down.

Jeff: [Groans] Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

[Dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

Jeff: Two. One, two— Annie.

Annie: Okay, fine. I guess I'm going down.

["Roxanne" by The Police starts playing]

Pierce: All this talk of going down... Did you guys know I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom?

[All groan]

Jeff: We're about to eat.

Pierce: It's not namedropping if it comes up organically.

Shirley: I’m gonna check in on my pies.

Britta: ♪ Roxa— ♪

Jeff: No.

Britta: [TO ABED] Bathroom?

Abed: Yeah, over here.

Troy: Uh, guys? What does a pregnancy test look like?

Jeff: Like a thin piece of plastic with a thing on the end of it.

Troy: Okay, so this is definitely a g*n.

Jeff: Whoa! Yeah, put that away.

Troy: Oh, my— Why does Annie have a g*n?

Pierce: That's not a g*n*n, that's a girl's peashooter. Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

Troy: Jeff, what are we gonna do about this?

Jeff: I'm gonna get a drink. Ow!

[Pierce laughs]

Jeff: What's so funny?

Pierce: I don't know, people hitting their heads.

Shirley: Don't fight over them. Well, y-you can fight a little.

Abed: Smells weird.

Britta I beg your pardon?

Abed: Smells weird. What did you do?

Britta: Abed, you don't ask someone a question like that. It's not dignified. Pizza! ♪ Pizza, pizza, go in tummy ♪ ♪ me so hung-ee me so hung-ee♪

Annie: That pizza guy was super creepy.

Jeff: So you're saying he was a pizza guy?

Abed: I wonder what happened in those other timelines.

Jeff: Abed, there are no other timelines.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Jeff: [Groans] Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

[Dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

Jeff: Four. One, two, three, four— Shirley.

Shirley: Okay, just don't let my pies burn.

["Roxanne" by The Police starts playing]

Jeff: Remember, no one eats those pies.

Annie: Come on, let's just talk to her.

Jeff: We tried that, Annie, but she ignored us. The woman has a baking problem. Now, I-I don't like being the bad guy any more than anybody else—

Britta: ♪ Roxa-- ♪

Jeff: No.

Britta: Bathroom?

Abed: Yeah, over here.

Jeff: We have a pact. We do not enable her baking. It's gonna be better for her in the long run.

Pierce: Heh, you know who got it in the long run. Eartha Kitt, when I nailed her in the airplane bathroom.

[All groan]

Annie: Ew, Pierce.

Pierce: What? Came up organically. Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

Troy: Oh, cool. Thanks, Pierce.

[Troy yells]

Jeff: What is it?

Pierce: What? It's a traditional Norwegian troll. When Troy and I were living together, I had it on display in the hall. You know, outside his bedroom. He seemed very taken with it.

[Jeff chuckles]

Troy: It used to watch me sleep!

Annie: Pierce, shame on you. Jeff, what are you gonna do about this?

Jeff: I'm gonna get a drink. Ow!

Annie: Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Jeff: Barely felt it.

Annie: Let me look at it in the bathroom.

Britta: It's not dignified. Pizza! ♪ Pizza, pizza in my tummy ♪ ♪ me so hung-ee me so hung-ee ♪

Shirley: Did someone remember to take out my pies? Seriously? Oh! Oh! Oh, no. [Whimpers] Seriously?

Jeff: Shirley, it doesn't matter. We weren't gonna eat them. You're not allowed to have "baking things" as an identity.

Shirley: Excuse me for being the only married woman in a group full of horny toads who sit around all night just making googly eyes at each other.

All: Googly eyes?

Pierce: Shirley, it's okay. Nobody makes googly eyes at me either. We're the same.

[Shirley whimpers and cries]

♪ Roxanne ♪

Voice recording: Adiós, Sapito.

Abed: I don't know why she's so upset. Her pies probably didn't burn in the other timelines.

Jeff: Abed, Shirley just had a nervous breakdown.

Pierce: More like a nervous-

Jeff: Bakedown, I know! I didn't say it on purpose. And Abed, there are no other timelines.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Jeff: [Groans] Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

[Dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

Jeff: Three. One, two, three-- Pierce.

Pierce: Crap.

["Roxanne" by The Police starts playing]

Pierce: Speaking of crap, I was taking one in an airplane bathroom when Eartha Kitt decided to bang me.

[All groaning]

Pierce: What? It's where my mind went.

Jeff: Your mind went years ago.

Shirley: Ugh. I'm gonna check on my pies.

Britta: ♪ Roxa— ♪

Jeff: No.

Britta: Bathroom?

Abed: Yeah, over here.

Annie: I love your place, Troy. You're all... grown up now.

Jeff: I can't believe those are real mahogany bunk beds in there. I bet that cost you a few allowances.

[Annie laughs]

Troy: Hm. All right.

Annie: Aww! Troy.

Jeff: Now we done it.

Abed: Britta's in the bath—

Voice recording: Adiós, Sapito.

Britta: Who is it?

Troy: Troy.

Britta: [Coughing] Um, I'm washing my hands.

Troy: Good, then I can come in.

Britta: Oh, hi! Um, I was smoking a cigarette.

Troy: I know what you were doing. I'm 21 years old. I'm a man.

Britta: I know that. We all know that.

Troy: Then why is Jeff always picking on me?

Annie: You seem to be a little hard on Troy lately.

Jeff: I'm gonna get a drink. Ow!

Annie: Oh my God, are you okay?

Jeff: I barely felt it.

Annie: Well, let me look at it in the bathroom.

Abed: Britta's in the bathroom.

Annie: Oh, um...

Shirley: Oh no, what happened?

Annie: Minor head wound. If there's an abrasion, we'll clean it with iodine and apply ice.

Jeff: You make a good nurse.

Annie: Thanks.

Shirley: Dr. Shirley says mini pies are the best medicine.

Jeff: Then I’d like to see her degree.

Britta: He's butting antlers with you because you're a thr*at now. You've got your own place, you've got a future, you've got a... bowl full of olives next to the toilet.

Troy: It's a fancy party, Britta.

Britta: You know what Jeff has in his bathroom? Neither do I. He keeps his toiletries in a safe under the sink. His whole personality is based around guarding himself. You don't have to be like that to be a man.

Troy: You're really cool, Britta.

Pierce: Man, pizza guys are getting worse and worse-looking. Guess all the good ones went into p*rn.

Jeff: Ceiling fan.

Pierce: I miss all the fun.

Abed: I wonder what happened in all those other timelines.

Troy & Britta: Who cares?

[Doorbell buzzes]

Jeff: [Groans] Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

[Dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

Jeff: Six. One, two, three, four, five, six-- Britta.

Britta: Great.

Pierce: Great. You know what's great? Air travel. I've flown a lot, a lot of airplane stories. I once had sex with Eartha Kitt—

Shirley: Okay, I'm gonna check on my pies.

Troy: You guys are my best—

Jeff: I'm gonna get a drink. Ow!

[Pierce and Troy laugh]

Annie: Oh my God, are you okay?

Jeff: Barely felt it.

Annie: Let me look at it in the bathroom.

Troy: Do I need to refill the toilet olives?

Abed: We're good. I checked.

Troy: You're the best.

Abed: Want to stay up all night talking in our bunk beds?

Troy: Duh-doy.

Pierce: Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

Troy: Oh, cool. Thanks, Pierce.

Jeff: You make a good nurse, Annie.

Annie: Thank you. I actually had to apply a tourniquet the other day. A guy got stabbed outside my building.

Jeff: What? Annie, you've got to get the hell out of that apartment.

Annie: You don't have to treat me like a kid anymore, remember?

Jeff: Yeah, but adults still need to be protected. I-I can't help but worry about you, Annie. You're important to me.

[Troy screams]

Pierce: Feel the terror! Stop the tantrum! Feel the terror of the Norwegian troll!

Shirley: What's going on in here?

Abed: Pierce is terrorizing Troy because he's jealous we moved in together.

Pierce: You're the one who's jealous.

Abed: Why would I be jealous?

Pierce: Because you're lonely and crazy.

Britta: Hey, guys, this is Toby, our pizza delivery guy. And I know this is gonna sound nuts, but we're in love and we're getting married.

Abed: I wonder what happened in all those other timelines.

Pizza guy: Wait, there are other timelines?

[Doorbell buzzes]

Jeff: [Groans] Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

[Dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

Jeff: One. Troy.

Troy: [Sighs] Damn it. I'm gonna go as fast as I can so I don't miss anything.

["Roxanne" by The Police starts playing]

Voice recording: Adiós, Sapito.

Pierce: You know who I used to call miss anything? Eartha Kitt.

[All groan]

Pierce: What? He totally set me up.

Shirley: I'm gonna check in on my pies.

Britta: ♪ Roxa— ♪

Jeff: No.

Britta: Bathroom?

Abed: Yeah, over here.

Pierce: Jeff, tell us about your father.

Jeff: I'm gonna get a drink. Ow!

[Laughs]

Annie: Oh my God, are you okay?

Jeff: Barely felt it.

Annie: Well, let me look at it in the bathroom.

[Annie trips and the g*n goes off]

Jeff: What the hell?

Shirley: No!

Annie: Call 911! Abed, help me stop the bleeding!

Pierce: I'm dying! I am dying.

[Annie screams]

♪ You don't have to put on the red light ♪

Britta: Water. Water! Water!

[Indistinct, panicked chatter]

♪ Put on the red light ♪
♪ put on the red light ♪

Troy: You.

♪ Put on the red light ♪

Troy: Nooooooo!

[Doorbell buzzes]

Jeff: [Groans] Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

[Dramatic orchestral music]

Jeff: Five. One, two, three, four, five-- Abed.

Abed: I'm on it.

Pierce: You know who else was on it? And do you know what "it" is?

Abed: Everybody give me money.

Jeff: Wow, that ascot really softens your personality.

Pierce: I banged Eartha Kitt!

Britta: ♪ Roxa-- ♪

Jeff: No.

Britta: Bathroom?

Abed: Down the hall.

Jeff: I'm getting a drink. Ow!

[Pierce laughs]

Annie: Oh my God, are you okay?

Jeff: Barely felt it.

Annie: Well, let me look at it in the bathroom.

Troy: Britta's in the bathroom.

Shirley: Oh, no, what happened?

Annie: Minor head wound.

Britta: Oh, my God. What smells amazing?

Shirley: Oh! Someone wants pie!

Jeff: [TO ANNIE] You make a good nurse.

Britta: Oh my God. They taste just like regular-size pies.

Shirley: Oh, yay!

Pierce: Happy housewarming.

Troy: Oh, cool. Thanks, Pierce. Hey, while we're alone, I just wanted to say, thanks for letting me live with you.

Shirley: Sometimes I feel like making desserts is the only thing I'm good for in the group.

Troy: But now it's time for me to try and make it on my own. Just like you did.

Jeff: I can't help but worry about you, Annie.

Pierce: Hey, I don't think you should open this.

Troy: No, what— what are you talking about?

Jeff: You're very important to me.

Britta: Crap. I was not supposed to eat your stuff. We all made an agreement. Crap, I was not supposed to say that out loud! Crap, okay, cards on the table, I'm really high right now.

Shirley: Oh!

Troy: Would you stop and give me—

Pierce: No, I wanna give you something else. A waterpik! A speedboat! Two waterpiks.

Shirley: I can't believe I'm feeding my pies to a drug addict!

Britta: Drug addict? You're a pie pusher! You push pies to get love.

Troy: Give it, Pierce! It feels fun!

Annie: I'm sorry, I just... had a weird déjà vu.

Troy: You're bad at gift-giving!

Annie: That thing you said about worrying about me... It's something my dad always said.

Troy: I demand to be housewarmed!

Annie: Shouldn't have brought it up. Just reminded me of my dad. Anyway...

Jeff: Stop. A little Make Out 101. Less dad talk. And, uh, you could ease up on the bubblegum lip gloss.

Troy: No, I really—

Pierce: No, you—

Abed: Pizza time.

Shirley: Give me this, you godless hippie skank!

Troy: You're a sick, sad, twisted old man. And I hope you die alone.

Abed: I wonder what happened in all those other timelines. I gotta say, I hope this is the real one, because I just found a nickel in the hallway.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Jeff: [Groans] Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff: Of course I am, Abed.

[Dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

Abed: I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it — together. On the raft of life. A raft held together by those few rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.

Britta: Ropes? Vines. Vines? Let him finish!

Abed: Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each ether's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven. Shirley will always be giving. Pierce will never apologize. Britta's sort of a wild card from my perspective. And Jeff will forever remain a conniving son-of-a-bitch.

Everyone: Abed!

Abed: There are six sides to this die and seven of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.

[Jeff chuckles]

Annie: Jeff!

Troy: Really?

Annie: You crafty jackrabbit.

Troy: Dang, man.

Pierce: Pretty low, dude. It's called friendship, look it up. Encarta it.

Troy: I think we just found our pizza-getter.

All except Jeff: Yes, we did!

["Roxanne" by The Police starts playing]

Jeff: Oh, like it matters who goes. Ow!

[All laugh]

Jeff: What's so funny?

Annie: Karma.

Troy: That guy sucks harder than the toilet in an airplane bathroom.

Pierce: Airplane bathroom...

Shirley: Oh, my pies!

Britta: ♪ Roxanne ♪

Shirley: Oh!

Shirley & Britta: ♪ you don't have to put on the red light ♪ ♪ those days are over ♪

Shirley, Britta, & Annie: ♪ you don't have to sell your body to the night ♪

Shirley: Sing, girls!

Annie: [TO ABED] I really love your place.

Abed: You should move here.

♪ walk the streets for money ♪
♪ you don't care if it's wrong... ♪

All: ♪ or if it is right ♪
♪ Roxanne ♪
♪ you don't have to put on the red light ♪

Jeff: You guys see what happens when I leave you alone, huh?

♪ You don't have to put on the red light ♪

All: ♪ put on the red light ♪
♪ put on the red light ♪

Shirley: Go, Troy!

All: ♪ put on the red light ♪
♪ put on the red light ♪

Shirley: To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce.

Britta: Shirley, don't you think you've had enough?

Shirley: Of you.

[Britta gasps]

Abed: Guys, I've been thinking about that night over and over. One thing has become clear. This is the darkest, most terrible timeline.

Britta: Enough with the timeline crap, Abed! Pierce got sh*t in the leg and d*ed! Shirley's a drunk. Annie's locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane. Jeff lost an arm in the fire. Troy lost his larynx because, for some dumb reason, he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it.

Troy: [Computerized voice] Clearly you don't understand anything about defeating trolls.

Britta: Life has gone to hell, Abed. This is real! Look at us. Look at me!

Jeff: Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair. And I lost an arm.

Britta: Exactly. Life got dark.

Abed: And all because Jeff rolled a one.

Jeff: Oh, I love how this is my fault somehow.

Abed: It's mine. I've run over that night over and over in my head, and I keep coming back to one thought. I should've caught the die and not let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I'm gonna make it up to you.

Jeff: What is this?

Abed: Of all the timelines, this is clearly the darkest, which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I made us all black goatees out of felt. I suggest you put them on until you're able to grow your own. From now on, I am evil Abed. We're the evil study group, and we have but one evil goal. Return somehow to the prime timeline, the one that I stopped you from rolling that die, then we destroy the good versions of ourselves, and reclaim our proper lives.

Jeff: Evil Abed.

Abed: Mm-hm?

Jeff: As evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?

Abed: Certainly.

Jeff: I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!

Abed: Goatees.

[Dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

Troy & Abed: ♪ evil Troy and evil Abed ♪

♪ ♪

[Mysterious music on television]

Troy: What's wrong?

Abed: I don't know. I guess nothing.