03x06 - Advanced Gay

[bunniefuu]

Damn it!

Put the teethy wrench on the square thing and jiggle it left.

[Machine starts]

Thanks... by the way, that square thing is a Hampton bolt and what you just described is a manacheck maneuver.

Hey, I'm just here for the tater tots.

Look, I know you think you made your mind up about plumbing and I respect that.

But come to the third floor men's room tomorrow any time after 3:00.

Unclog one toilet with me and tell me you don't feel something.

And ill never bring it up again.

All right...One toilet.

If it will get you off my back.

Abed, look.

Cool, Stonehenge.

Excuse me, are you Pierce Hawthorne of Hawthorne Wipes?

At your cervix.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were a lady.

You can use that cervix line if you want.

I told you it was him.

Would you mind signing this?

He's a big fan.

♪ I got a pocket full of hawthornes ♪
♪ pock-pocket full of hawthornes ♪

Okay, Randall, power down.

What was that about?

Fans of the product, I suppose.

In the wipes business we call them towel-heads.

I'm just impressed you got through a whole conversation with two gay men without doing this.

Wait...Those guys were--

Mm-hmm.

I assumed they were just brothers or wealthy.

Why do you think they wanted your autograph?

This might be why.

♪ It's Friday night ♪
♪ I'm putting on my highest heels ♪
♪ my shortest skirt ♪
♪ my best device for concealing my penis ♪
♪ I got my body, got my lips ♪
♪ got a pocket full of hawthornes ♪
♪ p-p-p-pocket full of hawthornes ♪

Oh, my God, Pierce, your moist towelettes are a gay icon.

What do Hawthorne wipes have to do with the choice to be gay?

Well, according to Wikipedia--

[whispering]

Oh, my...Even Bruce Vilanch?

Especially Bruce Vilanch.

That is copyright infringement and defamation.

I'm going to sue the pants off that lady.

I don't think that's a lady.

And why do you want his pants off? Shut up!

I only wanted his pants off when I thought he was a lady.

So you were attracted to him?

The only thing I'm attracted to is taking him to court and eating his ass alive.

All: Ooh! That's not what I meant.

Stop putting gay things in my mouth.

[Laughter]

All: ♪ I got a pocket full of hawthornes ♪

[Hisses]

♪ Pocket full of hawthornes ♪

It's catchy!

I hope Pierce doesn't really sue that lady-man singer.

His life must be hard enough having to sew pouches in all his miniskirts.

Yes, I'm always nice to the gays.

They may live in defiance of God, but id die before I let a woman touch my hair.

Gay-oh!

[Laughs] Hey, what's going on with you b*tches?

b*tches is gay talk for friends.

Did you sue Urbana Champaign for his t-shirt?

Not at all, I bought this. I'm a fan.

Also, I'm a gay rights advocate.

I think I can explain.

Pierce's positrons have been negatized, creating anti-Pierce.

It happens all the time inspector spacetime.

Yeah, but anti-inspector had a funny mustache and was kinda rapey.

I don't think his positrons have been negatized.

That's exactly what Constable Reggie said.

No, I thought about it, and I decided a man should not be judged by what he does with a fellow man's butt.

Here's the kick.

Plus since that song came out, Hawthorne Wipes sales went up 7%.

And it's good.

Yep, even had my own people mock up a design for a new product line.

Hawthorne Pride Wipes.

They may cost more, but they're gayer.

And I'm gonna launch these little babies at a big party here at Greendale.

Here's a flyer. Ooh!

Greendale's first annual... gay bash.

Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirements for open-mindedness.

Yeah, I'm really proud of you. You're growing as a person.

Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people. They're supporting him.

If Mexicans were buying his wipes, he would have ridden in on a donkey.

People earning respect with money is the American way, Jeff.

Not that my father would have agreed.

It took a federal injunction to get him to sell these things to the Italians.

Oh, I see what's going on here!

In my psych class I'm learning about this thing called the edible complex.

All men have to k*ll their fathers so they can do something to their mothers.

I haven't finished the chapter.

What's that complex called where you're wrong about everything?

Huh, sarcasm from the man with the mother of all daddy issues.

Whoa, double diagnosis.

Save some for all those poor real doctors.

Pierce, what type of cookies do you want at the party?

We have peanut butter or chocolate chip.

Rainbow, b*tches.

We can have peanut butter or chocolate chip.

Well?

It's pretty great!

[Toilet flushes]

[Whistle]

Tight seal, good flow.

Kid's pretty handy.

You get the hell out of here!

Go on!

[Chuckles]

[Ominous music]

Who was that?

You listen to me.

What you have is a gift.

And some people are going to try to take advantage of that gift.

[Whispers] Promise me you'll use it for good.

All right, I promise.

Good. Now, come with me to the second floor.

Somebody pooped in the sink.

You know, we actually have a lot in common.

We hate lesbians, we hate baggy pants, and I can't believe you guys are all bears fans.

Super fans.

Randall!

Somebody take a picture. Come on...

[Lens clicks]

Okay, now let's take a silly one.

Okay, okay!

All right.

Piercinald Anastasia Hawthorne!

Father.

We need to talk, boy.

[Air rushing]

Oh-- [Screams]

[Gasps]

Gentlemen.

You are here tonight because you have been selected as potential candidates for the Greendale Air Conditioning Repair School.

But why kidnap you?

Why put a sack over your head and drag you here in the middle of the night?

Why is there an astronaut in the corner making paninis?

Simple, we don't want you to tell anyone about this.

And if you do, we don't want them believing you.

Isn't that right, Black h*tler?

Your initiation... begins... now, gentlemen.

Hey, guys, I'm looking for Troy.

Oh, he texted me. He said he's fine, but he couldn't say where he is. Oh, no, do you think he's been kidnapped? Usually it's one of the parents, and it almost always ends in m*rder-su1c1de.

Why are you smiling?

[Mumbles] I'm smiling?

Well if you see him, tell him Jerry's looking for him.

So Jeff, what are you going to wear to Pierce's gay party?

Nothing.

Ooh, they'll love that.

Ha ha. I mean I'm not going.

It's dumb and I can't believe you guys are supporting it.

Everybody, this is my father, Cornelius Hawthorne.

Oh, I always assumed your father was dead.

Just mathematically.

Well, mom liked to pretend that was the case.

These are your friends, Pierce?

Hello.

Minorities, jewesses, and the unseasonably tan?

That is inappropriate!

And maybe you'll give that more weight since I'm "white".

You've got a wide brow.

What are you, Scandinavian?

Yeah, Swedish.

[Spits] Swedish dogs.

Your blood is tainted by generations of race mixing with laplanders.

You're basically Finns!

Oh, my goodness, he's like the Abed of racism.

Okay, since no one's willing to ask, what's going on with your hair?

Ordinary toupee hair is harvested from the heads of the godless oriental.

Solid ivory is the only way to be assured of true follicular purity, while still identifying myself as a man of means.

I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at animal cruelty.

You can excuse racism?

So what brings you here?

I'm assuming it's not for your son's party.

Unless "segregationist mummy" is a gay fetish I'm unaware of.

Actually, uh, after discussing with my father, the party's off, and we're canceling pride wipes.

Stand up straight, Piercinald, when talking to the lower classes.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find a half-decent ivory buffer in this two-horse town.

Oh, the party's cancelled?

I bought a cone bra.

Piercinald, please tell me you did not cancel your gay party because of your father.

It's a business decision, Jeff.

I took a look at the numbers, had someone explain them to me, and this is the way we're going.

I thought you said Pierce's idea was dumb?

Well that's before it was being oppressed by a--

A father?

A h*m*!

This isn't about fathers.

This is about a long-suffering community with a constitutional right to wipe whoever and whatever they want.

Well, if you like gay people so much, why don't you marry them?!

This is so edible.

Britta, you are gonna make a terrible therapist.

And if you need to talk to someone about that, I don't recommend you.

Hmm, is that how your dad talked to your mom?

No, that's how he talked to your mom.

How does that make you feel?

Shut up.

Ah, Jeffrey!

Ah, I was so sad when Pierce said he was canceling the party.

And I was so happy when you said that it was back on.

Yeah, he's real busy with his dad, but I knew how much it meant to him.

I throw a pretty gay party, huh?

Yeah, it's great.

I mean, if you're into that kind of thing.

Time to mingle.

What the hell is this?

The gay bash, courtesy of Hawthorne Wipes.

I cancelled this!

And I uncancelled it.

My dad's gonna disown me!

Oh, no, then you'll be free of him forever.

You'll never have to cower at the sound of his voice or shudder when you see an elephant.

You're welcome, Pierce.

I just did what you never had the guts to do.

You know what? Britta was right.

You resent my father because you've got problems with your own.

After "Britta was right", everything you said just sounded like a fog horn.

Then have your big gay party.

I'm out of here!

Oh, come on, Pierce, just have one drink.

You're gonna want to see the guest of honor.

Pull the cord, fellas.

All: [Chanting] Pierce, Pierce, Pierce!

Well, maybe just one drink.

Done.

Mr. Barnes...

Walk with me.

Mr. Barnes, air conditioning repair is an elite worldwide family dating back to the very beginnings of civilizations.

Our predecessors were slaves, fanning the pharaohs with palm fronds.

Over time, we became expert at making our superiors comfortable.

We made it our business.

And along the way, we learned to make ourselves comfortable.

No more palm fronds, Troy.

Now we are the pharaohs.

[Breathes]

[Computer voice] Breath print approved.

Feel that?

Actually, I don't feel--

Precisely.

Have you heard the expression room temperature?

Of course.

This is the room!

This is the room temperature room.

I-I can't tell where the air ends and my skin begins.

It's incredible. That's what we do, Troy.

Incredible, invisible, inbelievable things.

We're an unseen, unknown, unvincible fraternity of craftsmen.

Graduates of this school are guaranteed lucrative employment for their entire lives.

And I'm inviting you to join us.

Will there always be paninis?

There is one catch, Troy.

Once you're in...

You're in.

Air conditioning repair will be your life.

A life of secrets you'll be unable to share with outsiders.

You will be an air conditioning repairman and nothing else...

Until the day you die.

I don't expect you to make a decision now.

Take 24 hours.

[Blows into receiver]

Cool.

I can't feel my pants.

[Dance music]

Go Pierce, go Pierce, it's your birthday!

Well, congratulations, you got Pierce to symbolically k*ll his father by dancing to club music.

You of all people should be happy about this.

Pierce is becoming a more tolerant person, and it has nothing to do with his father.

Look at me now, dad!

Yeah, look at me now, dad!

All: [Chanting] Look at me now, dad!

Look at me now, dad!

Hey, where you been?

I'm not allowed to say.

Are you Superman?

No.

Would you tell me if you were?

I'd tell everyone.

I never understood why he cared who knew.

This is the hottest party we've ever had.

I know, it's pretty dope.

No, I mean, it's dangerously hot.

Our air conditioning system wasn't built for this gay a party.

I'll take a look.

Tron?

What's tron?

Ooh!

Man this party's a real sausage fest.

I knew it!

Knew what?

Don't play dumb with me.

What, did they promise you the life of your dreams?

You can have all that as a plumber too, but without the pretense.

Why do you hate them so much?

Because they're elitist.

They pump themselves up to make everybody think that they're special.

Because the truth is they're not!

I have a gift.

I'm special. I'm not a loser like you.

I'm gonna eat Spaceman paninis with Black h*tler, and there's nothing you can do about it!

Well, you really seem to be enjoying yourself.

I've gotta say, I don't know why the word gay means dumb.

These guys are all right in my book.

Pierce Hawthorne, get your fine gay-lovin' ass up here and say something to your fans.

Come on!

[Crowd cheering]

If I tell you something, will you promise to keep it a secret?

Secret handshake.

Both: [Whisper] Secret.

Okay, I know I said I can't talk to you about what's going on, but I can talk to myself.

Can you pretend to be me?

[As Troy] I like football, but also I don't--

Perfect. Okay, I can't choose between air conditioning and plumbing.

I know, it's so hard, right?

Let's ask Abed. [Normal voice] Now you be me.

What should I do, Abed? [As Abed] I don't know but Harrison Ford might know.

[As Harrison ford] Don't get cocky kid--

Okay, this isn't working, okay? Abed tell me what to do.

I don't really see the dilemma.

Plumbing and air conditioning seem more or less identical.

They're not--they couldn't be more or less identical.

Well, what do you feel like doing?

Honestly, I el like watching TV with you.

But they're making me choose, and if I choose wrong it could screw up my whole life.

If you really have to make a decision, I say go with whatever makes you the happiest.

Because, again, they're virtually the same thing.

I think I know what I need to do.

Don't get cocky, kid.

All right, b*tches!

[Crowd cheering]

I just want to say this whole thing... was a huge mistake.

Uh, Hawthorne Wipes is officially severing its ties to the gay community.

Aw!

What?

Effective immediately, it will return to being a straights-only product.

All: Boo!

Ahhhhhh...

[All gasp]

Fake heart att*ck.

I taught him everything he knows.

So, how long you guys been on the force?

Pierce!

What the hell was that?

That was--

That was my boy.

Standing up for good old Hawthorne values.

All due respect, sir, I have zero respect for you.

Typical Welsh nonsense.

But father, I--

Pierce, you really wanna be like this guy?

He's wearing elephant bones on his head.

He will be what I tell him to be because I am his father!

Listen up, colonel crypt-keeper.

I could live a million years and I could spend every minute of it doing important things.

But at the end of it all, I would have only lived half a life if I had not raised a son.

This was a gift that was handed to you.

You squandered it.

And the reason you have so much hatred in your heart is because you're trying to fill a hole where your kid was supposed to go.

And now it's too late.

Now you're just stomping around trying to prove you exist.

Well, mission accomplished.

But here's a question I'd like to pass on to you from every son of every crap dad that ever lived.

So what?

I'm done with you.

He's done with you.

The world is done with you.

[Grunting]

Come on in. He's a Hawthorne.

This is what they do.

He's faking.

Pierce, listen, I just want to say--

Did you know that the Canadian Mallard is the only water fowl that bites his father's head off on the way out of the womb?

That is definitely not true.

I don't know.

I looked it up on the "wackapeediah"

Pierce, um, I just want to say, you know...

Sorry for k*lling your dad.

Don't blame yourself.

He bought a lot of his organs from questionable sources.

Oh, here, he wanted you to have this.

No Pierce, you should take it.

Believe me, id love it.

But the terms of his will clearly state that whoever kills him gets to keep it.

Huh, I guess I'm up.

"Father, ill never forget what you said to me "on my first day of school.

'Comb your hair, you idiot.

You look Greek.'

"I'll never know if that was true, "but I do know that I was too scared to stand up for myself.

"Well, I'm not scared of you anymore because you're dead, "and I'm not.

So, I win."

And you can suck it.

Dude just told his dead dad to suck it.

So edible.

You're the worst.

[Air conditioner hums]

Your 24 hours has expired.

I need an answer, Troy.

Are you ready to join the elite brotherhood of guys who fix air conditioners?

I'm sorry, Vice Dean Laybourne, but, I realize no one's better than anyone else.

I mean, some people are better at sports and...

And there are magicians, but...

I was put on this earth to do something else.

So you're going to be what?

A plumber?

No, I'm not gonna be a plumber either.

Because they have to deal with poop.

My decision for now is to watch TV with my friend.

You're making a huge mistake, son.

That may be, sir. But at least it's my mistake.

It doesn't change the fact that it's a mistake.

Doesn't it?

No, it doesn't.

Sir, looks like there was a malfunction in the cafeteria last night.

The Amana 5000 had a compound coil fracture.

But it was fixed.

[Laughs] Very funny.

Not even I can fix a compound coil fracture overnight.

But he can.

Constable Reggie.

Inspector Spacetime.

This isn't over, Troy Barnes.

It's only just begun.

You know what, I was wrong.

I think you'll make a very good therapist.

And why is that?

Well, you really nailed Pierce in that whole oedipal thing.

The guy's got some serious father issues.

Don't you think you may have had some oedipal issues as well?

Not really seeing the connection.

You literally k*lled a father.

Yeah, well, not mine, dummy.

Wow.

Hey, Winger. You going home alone?

Gay. [Chuckles]

That was close, Constable Reggie.

I thought those blorgons had us dead to rights.

What on bitter earth do they want from us, inspector?

The question's not what they want from us, constable.

But when!

Inspector, look out, blorgons!

Eradicate! Eradicate!

Eradicate...Eradicate...

[Both mimicking g*nshots]

Take that, blorgon scum.

How old are you guys?

The question isn't how old we are...

But when old we are!

In your face, blorgonian!

Pew, pew, pew, pew!

'Sup, girl?

How you livin'? Pew!