03x11 - Urban Matrimony and the Sandwich Arts

[bunniefuu]

mmm.

Ugh.

Hot 'n' brown's coffee really wakes me up to the fact that its coffee sucks.

I miss having a coffee shop.

Now where am I going to get my cappuccinos and Sarah McLachlan CDs?

It wasn't that great. If I had this space, I would have served fresh fruit and sandwiches, and I would've got rid of that take-a-penny, leave-a-penny nonsense.

If the good lord wanted you to have a penny, you'd have one.

Pierce...

Why do you look like a wealthy m*rder*r?

I look like an entrepreneur.

Now that my dad's gone, I'm expanding Hawthorne industries by investing in new products. [Briefcase locks clack]

Like... these.

What's that?

It's an a*t*matic security camera that can tell your friends from intruders.

How does it work? [Beep]

[British female voice] Your guests have arrived.

[Beep] thr*at level four.

[Beep] Your guests have arrived.

It's not calibrated.

Wireless racism. The future of the past is now.

Why don't you put your money into a good idea, like Shirley?

Oh, I made that offer the first day I met her.

She almost broke my nose.

I mean, Shirley's good with food, you have capital, and Greendale has real estate.

What are you talking about, Britta?

I'm talking about the whole reason you came here...

To start a business.

Hmm.

What do you think, Shirley?

Should I have my people call your people?

I mean, not your people.

I could think about it.

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

Is Shirley Bennett in the house? The year was 1991.

♪ Ah-ooh... ♪

Andre, what are you doing here?

Oh!

♪ Boys ii men, going on ♪
♪ not too hard... ♪

Spring fling dance.

See, that's where I first laid eyes on Shirley Edwards.

A vision in hyper color and hammer pants.

Baby girl, I have loved you ever since there was a Soviet union and only one Damon Wayans.

Oh.

Baby, I know I've made mistakes, but I'm so happy we've made it through.

But there's one thing, something important, that we keep putting off.

Oh.

Will you, Shirley Bennett, marry me, Andre Bennett, again?

Yes, yes, again!

[Cheers and applause]

[Beep]

[British female voice] Shall I notify authorities?

♪ Give me some rope, time in a tree ♪
♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪
♪ somebody said we could be here ♪
♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪
♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪
♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪

It's cool that Andre and Shirley are getting married again.

There's a whole generation of viewers that didn't get to see the original.

Let's hope it's more of a bale than a Kilmer situation.

Second weddings are okay, I guess.

If I had to rank 'em, uh...

It would go fourth, seventh, second, fifth, first, third, sixth.

No, wait... first then fifth.

Got it...

Fourth, seventh, second, first, fifth, third, sixth.

When's our culture gonna outgrow this wedding thing?

You're anti-wedding, now?

No, she's just pro-anti.

No to everything you both said.

Weddings are like little girls' tea parties, except the women are the stuffed animals, the men are making them talk, and they're not drinking tea, they're drinking antiquated gender roles.

Somebody tell Britta what an analogy is.

I know what it is.

It's like a thought with another thought's hat on.

Hmm.

Look, I can't get behind this marriage thing, either.

It was invented back when "till death" meant "till your first cold."

I mean, life's too long to spend it with someone else.

It's a sucker's game.

It's a mutual cop out.

I mean, just nut up and die alone.

Mmm.

Hello.

Oh, my God, we're so happy for you!

You are glowing.

I know, isn't it exciting?

The rehearsal is in two days, and the wedding is the day after that, on our anniversary.

And I'm sure you all can make it, because you're already here.

You're having your wedding in the study room?

Our church has certain policies regarding things like second weddings, and tight jeans and...

Calico cats.

Um, Jeff, I was wondering if you would do us the honor of giving a toast at our wedding?

Good idea!

Jeff has a lot of thoughts about marriage.

I would be honored.

Shirley, do you need any help with your wedding?

This probably sounds silly, but every time I see a wedding idea I like, I put it in a little scrapbook.

Oh, that's nice. Ooh.

We can help too. We just saw the inspector spacetime wedding episode, so we know what pitfalls to avoid.

Be sure to get a DNA reading of your prospective mate.

Inspector spacetime ended up marrying himself as a baby.

I think I got this.

Everyone just come and...

Relax and behave normally.

[Scoffs repeatedly]

That's the noise people make when they're offended in all the movies that Annie rents.

[Gasps]

We'll try not to embarrass you at your community college library wedding.

Thank you.

Oh, Shirley, I managed to set up a meeting with the Dean, so we can pitch him our sandwich shop idea.

I've already registered a website...

It's, uh, h-t-t-p, colon, forward slash, forward slash, w-w-w, period, members, period, webplicity custom sites... All one word... period, c-o...

Oh, I don't know, Pierce.

I'm way too busy for that now with the wedding and everything.

Bye-bye, everybody.

I have to practice my walk.

Ooh.

Great.

Another business venture down the toilet.

No problem, ive still got plan "C."

[Chuckles]

Ladies and gentlemen, the trouser bench.

[Beep, air hissing]

[Sighs]

For the man on the go who makes frequent stops.

[cr*ck, fabric rips]

[Gasps]

Will somebody please call all the ambulances?

I can't believe Shirley.

We should show up at this wedding and be the most normal people in the world.

Yeah, I could go as normal man and you could be my trusty sidekick ordinario.

[Guffaws] No. That's already weird.

We'd be playing into her hand.

We should just show up wearing boring gray suits with gray ties and gray shirts.

We could dye our hair gray.

And then we could lay down on the sidewalk and be invisible.

You know, maybe Shirley's got a point.

I have an idea.

What if we purged all the weirdness from our systems?

You mean...

A full 24-hour weird-down in the dreamatorium.

Just you, me, and our imaginations... no restraints.

By the wedding, our temptation to act weird will be gone.

[Guffaws] I'm feeling more normal already.

Crab walk home?

Yeah.

[Grunts]

Shirley, my ninth-grade english teacher used to say, "there will always be a reason not to follow your dreams."

At the time, he meant I was under the age of consent.

But his words still apply.

Are you sure your wedding is the reason you're bailing on this business with Pierce?

Uh, in the words of my ninth-grade english teacher, "you are dippin' and dappin' and don't know what's happenin'."

Fine, we both went to public school.

It's just that I don't want to see you slide into your old comfort zone.

You don't know that.

I am gonna start a business... Soon!

I can't help it if I have floral arrangements to pick and a DJ to hire...

Shirley, if that really is your excuse, I will plan your wedding for you!

[Giggling]

[Laughing hysterically]

Ooh-hoo! Thank you.

Oh, my good God. Thank you for that.

I was serious.

Britta, you're not planning my wedding.

What if Annie helps?

Oh, hey, guys.

Did someone say "Annie", "help," "wedding," and something about maybe hydrangeas?

Shirley, you can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me.

Do not use your second wedding as an excuse to limit yourself.

Pierce, come here.

Shirley, do you take this man to be your business partner?

Mmm, I guess.

Sure.

I had to shelve the trouser bench anyway.

There are still some parts of the prototype that need to be extracted.

Maybe you're misunderstanding?

I mean, from my butt.

Excuse me.

Meet Shirley, she's modern, she's urban, she's fun, and she's hungry.

You probably notice she's black, but not a stereotype...

Suburban black.

Is she suburban or urban?

She's half-urban.

Let's say... Writer's secret, bad pitch...

Her father's a record producer, her mother's a Shirelle.

We're supposed to be preparing a business pitch.

What about revenue projections? What are the margins gonna be?

[Chuckles] Shirley, Shirley, Shirley, Shirley, Shirley, Shirley, Shirley.

Sweet, innocent Shirley.

What was the question?

Look, this was Britta's stupid idea.

I'd rather be with my man, planning my wedding, and you'd clearly rather be with Halle Berry in 1999.

Pleasure not doing business with you.

Shirley, Hawthorne wipes fired me.

[Sighs]

They were just waiting for my dad to be out of the picture.

I'm not an entrepreneur.

I'm just a kid with a bunch of money, I...

Please, please, help me be somebody.

Let me invest in you.

First thing we need to figure out is our overhead.

Do you have a pen?

Yeah.

Oops.

These pockets.

Do you know someone that can buy a pen?

Yes!

Well, have you thought about the color story for your wedding?

He means the theme of the wedding.

Right, Dale?

Mm-hmm.

Same theme as every wedding...

Conformity, blind participation, and patriarchal...

What about pink?

We don't call it pink.

We don't call anything by its name.

That's, like, day-one floral school stuff.

This is citrine. This is opalescent.

This is sea glass, cameo, and cerulean.

Come on, how difficult is this?

[Sighs] You do one of these, one of these, one of these, this one, this one and, like, stick a ribbon on it. Happy?

Britta, that's a really beautiful arrangement.

Color me lavender.

"Lavender" means "impressed."

Yeah, well, great... Flowers look good in a pot.

There are people dying in Uganda.

[Click]

Got it.

What! [Ericahum, glass shatters, cow moos]

Ugh! [Clucking]

Ahh, ahh, ahh.

Don't eat my skin!

I am shaving everything! [Silence]

Well, that should do it.

Yeah.

My God, isn't tonight Shirley's wedding rehearsal?

Look at how we're dressed.

Yes, this simply won't do.

Let's change into something appropriate for the occasion and be on our way.

I agree.

Both: Troy and Abed being normal.

[Annie humming]

Annie!

I need your help.

[Squealing laugh]

Um, you're, like, sentimental and stuff.

Oh!

I'm really having trouble coming up with a toast.

I find that hard to believe, Jeff.

You once convinced Troy that turtlenecks were made of turtles' necks.

It's true, my superpower is that I can assume any position that suits my purpose. In that example...

Keeping turtlenecks as an option for myself, down the road.

But I do have a kryptonite.

It's so obvious to me that marriage is dumb, I can't even pretend to get behind it.

You know what I think would make the perfect toast?

You, as Shirley's friend and a good guy, just saying what's really in your heart.

There's something real in there.

Maybe that's what scares you.

[Clicking]

I could use a drink.

Shirley's sandwiches can offer students more food for less money, and provide the campus with a higher percentage of the profits.

Pierce, put up the next slide.

That's me!

Where'd I get all that money I'm holding?

I'm gonna tell you the three reasons that Shirley's sandwiches and your cafeteria are going to be successful.

Well, then I'm writing this down, hmm?

Wait.

Here's a pen.

Thank you.

[A cappella version of amazing grace]

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh...

Holy crap!

Britta, you're really good at this.

I know.

What's wrong with you?

This may shock you, Annie, but I come from a long line of wives and mothers.

Many do.

But I ran away from it my whole life.

I refused to give Santa a christmas list, because I didn't want to depend on any man for anything.

And now, look at me!

I'm Betty Crocker. I'm Martha Stewart.

I'm one of the Steppenwolf wives.

Ohh, God.

I'm gonna make some man very happy someday.

Ooh. Easy. Slow down.

What's with you guys?

We de-whimsified ourselves.

Yep. We're normal now.

Oh. Good?

Hey, anybody seen Shirley?

What? Shirley's late to the rehearsal for her wedding?

Oh, my.

Hey, man. You don't have to be sarcastic.

I'm not being sarcastic.

We're heavily invested in your situation.

Nothing's more important to us than your second wedding's rehearsal going smoothly.

Walk away, man.

Hey! Did you think of a toast?

Well, yeah.

Uh, I had a drink, and I looked in my heart, and here's what I got so far...

"Webster's dictionary defines..."

Gah! Stop!

"Webster's dictionary defines"?

That's the Jim Belushi of speech openings...

It accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody understands why.

Yeah, well, it's all I got.

That took me eight hours and six macallan neatses.

Look, I'm sorry, I just don't believe in marriage.

I do. It's inevitable.

And then id put a counter across here and the ovens there.

Okay, okay.

And how fiscal will the quarterly earnings be?

Well, initially, the fiscal...

Wait, that question makes no sense.

Ah! I know.

I just want to sound as good at business as you are.

I probably shouldn't say this, but I cannot believe you learned all this at Greendale.

You're very professional.

I am, aren't I?

I brought sodas, so we can toast to our futures.

Look at me now, dad. [Guffaws]

Dad? Oh, my God, I'm supposed to be looking like a bride for my wedding rehearsal to the dad of my children.

That was...

And odd dot to connect.

[Quiet rock music]

♪

Give me another.

Mmm.

What's with you?

[Whispering] This is who I am.

Andre, sorry I'm late.

I have wonderful news.

Where were you?

Uh, getting wonderful news.

The Dean loved our pitch and...

Your pitch?

Woman, ive been waiting for you for two hours.

Oh, no. Has it been that long?

I'm so sorry.

Don't you dare use your sexy voice on me.

Both: Ohh.

It's just a rehearsal.

Lord knows we've done it before.

That's not the point.

Shirley, I thought this wedding was supposed to be the start of us getting back to normal.

Back to normal?

Yes.

I need to not be Mr. Mom anymore.

Okay, I got to get back to my stereo business.

You know my store's been struggling.

I'm sorry, Andre, but "normal" went out the door the day you did.

Well, if we can't get back to the way things were, why the hell are we getting remarried?

[Retreating footfalls]

Oy...

These shrimp are to die for.

Yah, yah, yah!

Yah, yah, yah!

Walk the plank.

I think you've mistaken us for pirates.

We are community college students.

Both: [Sighs]

Abed, I just had an odd thought.

What if once you go from being weird to normal, you can never go back to being weird again?

That is an odd thought.

Well, let's hope it's the last.

Cheers to that, my everyday friend.

Hello, everyone.

Shirley asked me to say something nice at her wedding.

This is the rehearsal.

Shut up, Leonard!

Those teenage girls you play ping-pong with are doing it ironically.

Well!

I searched my heart...

For something nice to say at a wedding.

And I found nothing, so I had a drink.

And then I looked real hard.

And you know what I found?

My daddy said he would stay with my mommy forever, and he left!

Marriage is a lie! Nobody commits to this!

Nobody stays with anybody forever, so why do we keep lying?

[Slurring] I'm gonna stay with somebody forever.

It's in my stupid DNA.

I was born to be a wife and that's all I'm ever gonna be!

You expect anyone here to believe that?

I don't care if anybody believes it, jackass!

It's a fact!

Prove it, ding dong!

There are a lot of layers to this.

It's almost too conceptual to follow, but...

I love it.

So that's what this was all about, Andre?

Just about wanting me back in the kitchen?

I thought you loved being a wife and a mother.

Of course, but can't you see that's not all I'm about anymore.

Hi, sorry, don't want to interrupt.

But you are cordially invited to prevent a disaster.

I promise to put your dreams before mine.

I promise to bottle up my repulsion at the sight of your hair in the drain.

I promise to earn no more than 70% of what you would make at the same job.

What about babies?

What about 'em?

How many?

Pick a number, d*ck!

Like, it's up to me!

What in God's name are you two doing?

Getting married.

What does it look like we're doing?

You two are damn fools. Oh, sorry.

I'll allow it.

I am a fool.

I was a fool to think I wasn't destined for a life of this.

I mean, look around.

Can you even imagine what kind of wedding I could throw if I actually gave a crap?

No offense.

Knock it off.

Being good at weddings doesn't make you good at marriage.

Exactly.

People can make all sorts of promises, but they never stick it out.

It's not something you just stick out, man, all right?

It's a risk that you take together.

And you don't just promise it once.

You got to promise it every day.

Yes, but the person you're making promises to is going to change. You have to accept that.

I do. But do you promise to be patient when that person's stereo business takes a little while to get off the ground.

I do, but...

Do you accept that ten years is more than a little while and that iPods aren't going away, and maybe it's time to let somebody else take the lead?

I do.

You do?

Yes, baby, I swear I do.

Then I promise I will do whatever it takes to make this work forever.

Oh!

Well, in that case, let's rehearse this bad boy.

Mm-hmm.

Actually, you pretty much just married each other.

If you let me pronounce you man and wife, you can kiss the bride and you can save like, um, 70 bucks.

What do you say, baby?

Mmm.

Mm-hmm. [Applause]

Done and done. Husband and wife.

[Giggles]

Now how about it?

Let's party! [Cheering, applause]

Both: Lame.

[Upbeat music]

[Clattering]

[Monkey squeaks]

Abed.

Abed! Abed!

We're weird. We need to be weird.

You want to see something weird? Check out this dance.

Uh, what did you call this? The "Lindbergh lean"?

What'll they think of next?

Inspector spacetime...

Ohh, thank the cosmic engineer I found you.

Troy, this is hardly the time.

Or is it hardly the space?

Okay, I see what you did there.

But now I have to get back to my Lindbergh lean with, uh... I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

Inspector... What sort of creature would do a dance called the Lindbergh lean?

Blorgons?

[Whispers] Blorgons.

My name's Danielle.

Constable Reggie, it appears the Blorgons have developed the ability to take human form.

Weirdos.

[Clattering]

Your photonic bowler hat.

Ahh. [Sniffs]

Blorgon patrol.

Shirley, I have some good news and bad news.

The good news is the board loved your sandwich shop idea.

[Both squeal and giggle]

The bad news is that they made a few calls and sold the space to subway, the sandwich place.

What? Pierce and I put a lot of work into that idea.

How could you do this, Dean?

I'm sorry!

The board went over my head on this one.

And I don't remember being invited to your wedding, so I guess we're even on the hurting-each-other front.

I'm a blast at weddings.

There go all my dreams.

This is just a setback.

You don't have to give up just because of subway.

Guess I better go break the news to Pierce.

He's not gonna like this.

Remember that temper tantrum he threw when Adam Sandler "stole" his idea for Jack and Jill?

You're underestimating him.

I think Pierce is a lot more mature than we all give him credit for.

Look at me now, dad! How's it taste?

How many sandwich places did you have?

[Cackles] None!