03x21 - The First Chang Dynasty

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: A new day has dawn at Greendale Community College. Some said we'd never bounce back after the unfortunate events of the Star-Burns wake riot instigated by the Greendale Seven. But today the guilty parties have been expelled, enrollment is up, and tuition is more affordable than ever. And the architect of this modern-day miracle? Security chief Benjamin Franklin Chang, a man who has brought security, harmony, and success to what is fast becoming the area's premier community college. Greendale's never been better. Thanks, Chang.
JEFF: You see? It's not the real Dean.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: Of course. The head of security at Greendale Community College has kidnapped the Dean and replaced him with a deanel-ganger.
JEFF: Well, when you say it that way, it sounds ridiculous.
TROY: Yeah, the word we used was doppel-deaner.
BRITTA: Look, I hate cops.
ANNIE: You have to do something. Isn't this a felony? Chang is holding a man against his will.
SHIRLEY: The real Dean never would have expelled us. He loved us.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: Unfortunately, love is not admissible evidence. Oh... ♪ Love is not admissible evidence ♪ I'm working on a cop opera.
ALL BUT PIERCE: Cop-ra!
PIERCE: Police-ical!
ANNIE: Fine. We'll get some proof.
OFFICER CACKOWSKI: No, you won't. If I catch any of you within 50 feet of Greendale, I’ll throw you all in jail. Thanks for the hot water.
PIERCE: Wait, cop-ra!

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
♪ Give me some rope time in a dream ♪ ♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪ ♪ somebody said it can be here ♪ ♪ one by one, they all just fade away ♪

GIRL: I'm watching you. Move along.
CHANG: How's the planning going for my birthday Chang-stravaganza?
JOSHUA: The magician's booked, and the invitations went out to the school board and the budweiser frogs.
CHANG: Perfect.
JOSHUA: Yeah, um, one little snag. See, we're kind of running out of money, what with all the students dropping out and the cost of your throne.
CHANG: It's a prescription throne. I have back mumps. Don't look it up. It's rare. But you might be right. We should free up some revenue for entertainment at the party. Where's my deanel-Chang-er? [TO HIM] Fire the custodial staff.
FAKE DEAN: Okay. Cool. Do you think I could get out a little early? My wife's getting her braces off, and I...
CHANG: No.
FAKE DEAN: Okay.
TROY: I love how binoculars make far away things seem like they're close. They're like...
TROY & BRITTA: Telephones for your eyes.
ANNIE: Snagged one of those flyers.
BRITTA: [GASPS] First Chang kidnaps the Dean, and now he throws himself a birthday party? It's just like Stalin back in Russia times.
TROY: Dance-off? Sundae bar? One of those Ed Hardy street magicians? What kind of monster would... Photo booth with props!
ANNIE: Chang's got to be holding the Dean on campus, but there's no way we're gonna get past those guards. We need somebody on the inside.
TROY: I may know a guy.

MURRAY: And the air-conditioning repair annex won't admit to any knowledge of what's going on. But the fact is, wherever there is air, we have eyes.
TROY: Gross.
MURRAY: Suffice it to say, if Chang were holding your Dean c*ptive, it'd be pretty foolish to hold him on campus. It'd be even more foolish to hold him in a central air room in the cafeteria, which we monitor.
DEAN PELTON [IN RECORDING]: Oh, no, Jeffrey. Looks like PB and J again. You win the bet. [LAUGHS]
TROY: So he's in the cafeteria building?
MURRAY: Suppose he is. In the basement. And suppose you wanted to get to him. Suppose you actually managed to make it past the guards at the front, there's 50 more inside, armed to the teeth with stun batons and misplaced sexual aggression. Let's say you happen to get past them and then you get to meet Chang's number one, Joshua, a 4'10", 105-pound bucket of piss and zit cream. I cannot express to you how much I hate this kid. Now, beyond that dog sneeze in a pair of reeboks, you're gonna find a state-of-the-art keypad on the basement door. And just for extra fun, they change the code every day, and the only copy is locked up in Chang's office. Now, just for a lark, let's pretend you actually make it down to the basement door. Who is there to greet you? Another guard and another lock to which there is only one key. And where is that key?
TROY: Well, where is it?
MURRAY: Oh, sorry, it's very clear in my head. Key's around Chang's neck. The point is, you're not getting down there without our help.
TROY: So help us.
MURRAY: We have no horse in this race, but... there is one thing we want. Not a lot of people get a second chance. Just you and probably Obama. Give it some thought.

ANNIE: Great, so according to Troy's intel, Greendale is impregnable.
SHIRLEY: So what do we do?
ABED: Only one answer. Elaborate heist? Elaborate heist?
PIERCE: We'll need disguises. I do a great swami. Of course it works best with a cobra, but if you guys cut me a length of garden hose...
JEFF: Are we all forgetting that if we get caught on that campus, we go to jail? Do you know how long someone as sarcastic as I am would last in prison? Such a long time. There's got to be a practical way to do this.
TROY: There is another way in. If I enroll in the AC school, they'll help us. We could walk in and out. It'll mean I’ll have to move out of here and into AC school housing, and I won't be able to hang out with you guys anymore, or have a relationship, or use the word "sensational" for some reason.
BRITTA: Troy, we are not losing you to save the Dean or Greendale... Or anything, ever.
JEFF: Don't be so dramatic, Troy. The answer is simple. We just have to plan an elaborate heist.
BRITTA: Yes.
PIERCE: Great, I’ll get my turban.
JEFF: Everyone except Pierce has to plan an elaborate heist.

EUGENE (RICHIE): Happy birthday, Ben. On behalf of the school board.
CHANG: Shower organizer? Are you guys psychic?
CARL: Well you deserve it. You have worked wonders here.
CHANG: Oh, you boners. Now go party your butts off. Your butt could use it, Richie. [LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY] Listen up, men. Keep an extra deep lookout for the Greendale Seven. I won't have them ruining my 25th birthday.
BOY GUARD: Yes, sir. By the way, your cake just arrived.
JEFF: Shirley will enter first through the loading dock disguised as the chef. From there, she'll head into the kitchen.
SHIRLEY: You had time to build a tiny working water fountain, and I'm a pinecone?
GIRL: ♪ Chang eats the sun and drinks the skies ♪ ♪ and they both go with him when he dies ♪
JEFF: Once in, she'll unload the goods.
JOSHUA: This girl in Chicago won't stop facebooking me. Looks like j-swag's going deep dish.
JEFF: Then it's time for phase two... Toilet trouble.
JOSHUA: Oh, crap! Someone call a plumber!
ABED: Sounds like you schnooks got a flood the size of my wife's attitude problem.
GUARD: Whoa, you guys aren't the usual plumbers.
TROY: Oh, Mr. Brand Loyalty over here.
ABED: Okay, okay, why don't you two slap-arounds give me your names for the report in case Chang wants to know why his birthday party turned into the frickin' Poseidon adventure.
GUARD: Okay, okay. Follow me then.
ABED: Finally. Oof baboof with you two.

ABED: Here's your problem. You people gotta start chewin' your food.
TROY: We may have to tap into the hydraulic flap valve, so don't be alarmed if things get a little noisy.
ABED: Like my wife's mouth.
JEFF: If we can break through this wall and into Chang's office, then we'll have access to the basement door codes. Meanwhile, I’ll take care of cancelling the magician. [INTO PHONE] Yeah, sorry, Mr. Nightshade, gig's canceled. How's it coming with the guard?
BRITTA: Boys are pathetic. Two days of facebooking with this Joshua kid and he's eating out of my hands. "Got a new flavor of lip balm. Meet me at Chili's in ten minutes." Sheep.
JEFF: Um, I just want to reiterate that this should be the only time you seduce a child over the internet.
BRITTA: I know.
JOSHUA: Chili's? Sick! Hey, bro, you watch my post?
ANNIE: Yeah, whatever. ’Sup. [INTO WALKIE-TALKIE] I’m in. Cue the abra cadabra.
PIERCE: Is that me in my swami disguise?
JEFF: No, Pierce, for the last time, you're in the getaway van because your swami act is notoriously horrible.
PIERCE: “A,” that is r*cist. "B," swamis can't drive... they're Indians.
JEFF: Pierce, just do your part. Leave the entertainment to Britta and me.
CHANG: [AWED GASP] Ricky Nightshade, the rock and roll magician.
JEFF: [DEEP VOICE] I’m starting. I need a volunteer.
CHANG: I’ll k*ll anyone who raises their hand. [GIGGLES]
JEFF: Pick a card and look at it. Strap him! [Dull thuds]
TROY: I'm in.
[CHANG SQUEALS]
TROY: Okay, it was just my head before, but now I'm really in.
ANNIE: Bingo. 4-1-2-6. [LOCK CLICKS] I'm in. Where's the key?
BRITTA: I’m in.
ANNIE: I know.
BRITTA: Well, everybody else got to say it.

JEFF: Is this your card?
CHANG: Huh? I don't remember.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUSES]
CHANG: Nightshade, nightshade!
PIERCE: Greetings, greetings, baba ghanoush. Take me to the birthday boy.
CHANG: Wait a minute. Pierce?
PIERCE: [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY] No, not knowing this Pierce. I... I am a mystical swami. I come to boogie down, I'm boogying down. Hey!
[CROWD GASPS]
PIERCE: Jeff, we've been made. Cover me!
CHANG: Winger! No!
CARL: Everything all right, Ben?
CHANG: Peachy keen, Avril Lavigne. [INTO WALKIE-TALKIE] Nathan, tell me you got eyes on the Dean.
NATHAN: Negative, the pixie has left the toadstool.
CHANG: No! Where's my monitor? Gotcha. Code Chang. All units converge on the south library hallway.
JEFF: The best part of the plan is that at a certain point, it's going to look like the plan is failing. But that's when it's going to turn out that the failing plan was all part of the plan.
GIRL: ♪ Chang eats the sun and drinks the sky ♪
ABED: Hey, Johnny Passerby, this job's getting bigger than my wife's credit card bill at Marshalls. I mean, they got great stuff, I know that. Anyway, I'm going to need your Dean for approval.
FAKE DEAN: Craig. Is that "a-i" or "i-a"? I always forget. [SHOUTS]
TROY: Oof baboof, I spilled plumber's acid all over yous.
FAKE DEAN: What do I do? What do I do?
ABED: Take off your clothes.
CHANG: Nathan, tell me you got eyes on the Dean.
NATHAN: Negative, the pixie has left the toadstool. Repeat, the pixie has left the toadstool.
DEAN PELTON: Jeffrey! Oh... Hey, Britta.
CHANG: How the Chang?
FAKE DEAN: I’m contaminated with plumber's acid, but it's okay, they're coming back with a lotion.
CHANG: [APPLAUDS] Sar-cas-tic claps. Pretty clever. A plan that looked like it failed, and then turned out to work. Too bad your real plan really failed.
[PIERCE CHUCKLES]
CHANG: What's so funny?
PIERCE: You idiot. The plan was for the plan to seem like it was failing. You think you caught us, but we've already made it out with the real Dean. Ocean's eleven, baby.
DEAN PELTON: Pierce, I'm the real Dean.
SHIRLEY: Getting caught the first time was part of the plan. This time is because we suck.
PIERCE: Shirley, where the hell did you come from?

JEFF: You can't hold us here forever.
CHANG: I don't need to, Winger. I just wouldn't want you to leave before the big fireworks show.
PIERCE: Fireworks show?
CHANG: It's a surprise for the end of the night planned by the "Dean." Only, silly Dean, he stored all the fireworks in the records room. Aw. And when the works "accidentally" go off when I hit the final note on my awesome keytar solo, they'll burn up the school's records and all evidence of my misdeeds.
TROY: Chang, you're insane. You're still into keytar?
BRITTA: We're going to tell the board what you did!
CHANG: [MOCKINGLY] We're going to tell the board what you... You think they'll believe the Greendale Seven and the worst Dean ever over the guy who just nailed an awesome solo?
ANNIE: You're going to burn down the school and k*ll everyone!
CHANG: Fire can't go through doors, stupid. It's not a ghost.
DEAN PELTON: I know this is a bit of a long sh*t, but I don't suppose any of you paid my rent?

CHANG: Thank you, everyone, for joining in my celebration. As many of you know, I ate my twin sister in utero. So on my birthday, I try to remember I'm a winner. This one's for you, Connie. [LUAGHS WICKEDLY] And a-one, a-two, a Chang, Chang, Chang-four.
[RAPID KEYTAR NOTES]
SHIRLEY: We're all going to die.
ABED: We have to get out of here.
JEFF: How?
[SOLEMN MUSIC]
SHIRLEY. It's a miracle.
JEFF: Yes! Let's get out of here! Come on, come on, come on.
BRITTA. No, Troy, you didn't...
TROY: There's no time. We gotta go.
ANNIE: Six guards, two on scooters.
ABED. Chang started his solo. Knowing him, that gives us only nine minutes to get to the records room.
SHIRLEY: We'll need a distraction.
PIERCE: You heard the lady. Take your tops off.
DEAN PELTON: I might have something. To supplement Greendale's budget, I’ve been renting the school out for raves on the weekend. They call it "academania." It's mostly hard house, some... some dubstep, but totally...
JEFF: Perfect. Troy and Abed, you make a run for it. Dean, I think it's time to party. [Gasps] Hmm. Hey, what the freak? [Electronic dance music] What's going on? [Screams] No! No! No! You weigh nothing! I can't see them. They're too many of them. [Grunting to the melody] Oof. Baboof. [Ominous music] Which wire do I cut? There's only one. God, I hope I'm right. [Playing keytar] ♪ ♪ [Crowd murmuring]
Study group! You did it!
JEFF: So we're done, right? We're done? Done? Done? Done?
CHANG: Not done. You foiled me for the last time. [SNAPS FINGERS AND EVIL LAUGH] So, it ends as it began.
JEFF: It didn't begin this way.
What the hell's going on in here?
CHANG: Hey, fellas. I just caught the Greendale Seven trying to burn down the school. I'm a hero. How about that cake?
He's lying. He kidnapped the Dean.
Yeah, we gathered that much when we found these two slap-fighting in the hallway.
DEAN PELTON: You stole my life!
FAKE DEAN: It is hard out there for a fake Moby!
CHANG: Carl, Richie, let me ex-Chang.
FAKE DEAN: I’m not getting paid, am I? [TO CHANG] Hey!
So a madman in a Napoleon costume ran the school into the ground and almost blew it up?
Yeah. And on our watch.
What happened to us?
Well, I have a drinking problem. We're going to get fired. Only a matter of time until everyone finds out what happened here. Nobody can sit on something this big.
DEAN PELTON: I’ll sit on it. When I became Dean, I made a pledge to swallow this school's failures and spit out degrees because that's what deans do.
CARL: You'd do that for us?
DEAN PELTON: No. I do it for Greendale.
STUDY GROUP: Aw.
EUGENE (RICHIE): It's great to have you back, Craig. It's almost as if you were never unknowingly gone. [TO CARL] Yard margs at Skeeper's.
CARL: Perfect. I left my credit card there. Thanks, Craig.
DEAN PELTON: You guys saved me. I don't know how I will ever repay you.
JEFF: You already have.

[SOMBER MUSIC]
BRITTA: Troy, you don't have to do this. The AC school has no claim on your soul.
TROY: No, but I do. A man's only as good as his word, or his nod through a camera to a guy with a button.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
MURRAY: It's time. Say your goodbyes.
TROY: Shirley, never change. Or do, if you want, I'm not your boss.
SHIRLEY: Oh, honey. [WHIMPERS]
PIERCE: Never wear a rubber.
JEFF: Never listen to Pierce.
TROY: Whenever you finally finish that Jigsaw puzzle... Will you tell me what kind of boat is at the end of that dock?
BRITTA: This is a lock of my hair.
TROY: Creepy.
[WHISPERING]
MURRAY: All right, let's go. ♪ ♪ [DOOR CLOSES]
ANNIE: Abed? What did he say to you?
ABED: He said, "I know you hate when people do this in movies." Sorry I got emotional.
VICE DEAN LAYBOURNE: Troy Barnes. Welcome home.
DEAN PELTON: I’m really digging this hard house! It's quite a groove. This is my school! It's called Greendale, and I'm the Dean of the entire school. I mean, I wasn't for a while, but it's a long story. You guys, everybody, you should come by during the day sometime. It's totally different. Really, stop by. It'll blow your minds. You can meet my best friend, Jeffrey. Sure, I’ll take a back rub. Who's asking?

Edited and corrected by: Geneva