04x06 - Advanced Documentary Filmmaking

[bunniefuu]

(Dramatic music)

My name is Kevin, or so they tell me.

Actually, they told me my birth name is Benjamin Chang, but I can't remember anything before six months ago.

But by using a special, shiny glass called a mirror, ive estimated that I'm 15 years old, although I have no way of knowing.

Changnesia is a fascinating and extremely rare disease on the forefront of the psychological landscape.

Dr. Kedan: Compared with your garden variety amnesia, Changnesia is immeasurably more complex.

Its varied and seemingly random symptoms, its resistance to both traditional and new age medicine, why Changnesia affects the memory but not the ability to make forced puns...

These are all things we can study now that someone finally has it.

I first met Chang when I hired him as a Spanish teacher at Greendale.

Then he became a disgraced student, psychopathic music major, homeless vent dweller, security guard, keytarist, power hungry w*rlord, and now, Kevin.

It's sad to see him like this.

Well, it's mixed.

He was pretty terrible before.

I'm developing a theory which some find controversial.

Perhaps Chang actually used to be Kevin, went crazy, and became Chang.

And then, at some point, Chang hit his head, went un-crazy, thereby reverting back to regular old Kevin again.

Dr. Kedan: That makes no sense.

Science tells us hitting his head would only cure him if hitting his head was the original cause.

Told you it was controversial.

Here at Greendale, we accept all students, whoever they may be or have forgotten they were.

But assisting in Kevin's recovery has put a financial strain on the school.

That's why we are appealing to the Macguffin Neurological Institute for this $40,000 Grant, so we can continue to fight this terrible disease and hopefully, one day, pay for this documentary.

How was that, Abed? That's too beggy?

Abed: No, that was great.

But I could use a new camera, with a smoother zoom.

Oh, okay. Well, just be sure to get my good side, okay?

This documentary needs to be convincing.

This needs to be the hoop dreams of things people care about.

We rolling?

The dean wants a propaganda film, but I intend to explore all sides of this serious issue, including those who don't think it's a serious issue.

Hey, Jeff.

What are you doing?

Making a documentary on Changnesia.

You gotta be f*cking kidding me.

Abed: Got it. Beautiful.

All right, let's get one more for safety.

Jeff, back to one. Jeff?

♪ Give me some rope tie me to dream ♪
♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪
♪ somebody said it can be here ♪
♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪
♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪
♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪

I'm telling you, we should have sprung for the name brand glitter.

Look, cheap glitter, expensive glitter.

Money talks, people.

Guys, did you hear?

The history of ice cream class had another heart att*ck.

Three more, and we're all in.

Yes.

What's the Macguffin Institute?

Pierce: Fine. I'll tell him.

But one day, you'll all be old and slow and lose at things, and when that day comes, I won't remember what I'm doing now.

Lord, the Macguffin institute is coming to Greendale on Friday because they might give the school money to study Changnesia.

Changnesia isn't a disease. It's a con.

You're seriously helping this lunatic?

He kept the dean in a dungeon.

He tried to k*ll us. He ate his twin in utero.

That was Chang. This is Kevin.

They're the same idiot.

How would you know? Have you ever even spent any time with him, Jeff?

I was reluctant to accept Kevin at first, too, but... he's just so sweet.

The world is brand new to him.

He approaches everything with the wonderment of a small child or a cartoon alien.

Whoa.

This makes things smaller.

No, no... Bigger.

Oh, bigger.

Well, enjoy your collective delusion. I'm going to go get a sandwich, which, unlike Changnesia, is real.

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We want to know how you feel about the Macguffin people visiting.

I need it on camera.

It's stupid.

What's stupid?

The whole thing.

Okay, put it together for me.

"The whole thing is stupid." All right, thanks, buddy. ill cut it together.

(People talking indistinctly)

Shirley.

Hmm?

You don't seriously think Chang is Kevin, do you?

No, I believe the good lord made Chang Chang. Kevin is a choice.

Thank you. I'm seriously worried about the rest of the group.

Not only have they drunk the Kevin kool-aid, they're in the study room right now, making banners, debating glitter...

Well, id love to keep talking about this, but I gotta get to work.

No, Shirley, you've got to help me stop this.

You're the only sane person left.

Welcome to Shirley's sandwiches, where the food is Kevin-ly.

You hired Chang?

Hmm?

The customers love Kevin.

I think it's because he's a good listener.

Most words are new to him, so it's all still fascinating.

I'm Kevin. And you are?

Not calling you Kevin.

Hi, not calling you Kevin.

What are you having?

None of this.

Okay.

Uh, listen.

I don't care what he calls himself, he's a hard worker.

We're all broken people, Jeffrey, we all deserve a second chance.

Like how I gave Andre a second chance.

It doesn't mean I forgot. I just forgave.

Chang didn't sleep with a stripper. He tried to k*ll us.

Why does everyone keep forgetting about that?

But he didn't. And you used to be a sleazy lawyer.

What if Greendale never gave you a second chance?

Jeff: What Shirley said really made me think.

I mean, all my friends believe this guy.

What does it say about me that I don't?

(Knocking at door)

Hmm? Yes?

Ugh, and cue wet blanket Winger to tell us that we're all wasting our time.

Actually, no.

I had a really good conversation with Shirley, and I realized I've been acting like a jerk.

If it's not too late, id love to help out in any way I can.

Jeffrey, that's amazing.

I knew you'd come around.

All right, Abed, get us in panning singles.

And can you say "powwow" instead of "conversation"?

It just sounds more you.

All right, action. Okay, you going to make an entrance? Great.

What does it say?

It says I have gullible friends who will believe anybody, and I need to make that anybody me.

By exposing Chang in front of the whole school.

Abed: Wow. Much like the classic documentary Capturing the Friedmans, my story just took a completely unexpected turn.

Jeff, if you want this done right, I'm going to need a steadicam for Garrett.

That's showbiz.

(Shouts)

(Crashes)

Annie: We were all pretty happy when Jeff came around.

He became really gung-ho about Abed's documentary, and had a lot of great ideas about how to impress the Macguffin people.

And that's why Pierce should host the reception.

He speaks their language.

Finally, somebody's making some sense.

I've got a blackface senor Wences bit I've been workshopping.

Perfect.

Annie, we need to find out what happened to Kevin before he showed up at Greendale.

What hellish experiences did he overcome during those missing months?

Do you think you can use your forensic knowhow to do some investigating?

Investigating? Obvi.

Can I help?

If you're willing to learn, sure, partner.

"Partner." I like that.

I'm going to call you "Houlihan."

"Partner" and "Houlihan."

Jeff: Okay.

The postman found Kevin here.

He said he was soaking wet and smelled like fish.

I know it's not a lot to go on...

Um, it's almost too much to go on.

Look, Sullivan's trout farm is just 1/4 mile away.

Who do you think you're dealing with, Winger?

I don't know, Houlihan. Seems sort of thin.

In an investigation, one dude always has to go opposite the other dude.

That's how they get things done.

Well, you guys can work it out.

Yeah, we will.

No, we won't.

Britta, Shirley...

Shirley: Oh, that's me.

I want you to take this camera and follow Chang around for his day-to-day.

Really get into the life of a functioning Changnesiac.

I want you to go inside his home, work, pod.

Just get everything.

Ooh, that's great advertising for my growing business.

Okay, ill do it. And with my photography skills...

Jeff, thank you.

When the dean told me you were going to help me, I couldn't believe it.

A cool, smart lawyer like yourself reaching out to a little nobody like me?

I never told you I was a lawyer.

No, you didn't.

Shirley said it, remember?

You said, "you hired Chang?"

And I said, "I'm Kevin, and you are?"

And you said, "not calling you Kevin," and I said, "hi, not calling you Kevin. What are you having?"

And you said, "none of this."

And then Shirley said, "I don't care what he calls himself.

"He's a hard worker.

"We're all broken people, and we all deserve a second chance.

"Like how I gave Andre a second chance.

"Doesn't mean I forgot. I just forgave."

And you said, "Chang didn't sleep with a stripper.

"He tried to k*ll us.

"Why does everyone keep forgetting all that?"

And then Shirley said, "but he didn't.

"And you used to be a sleazy lawyer."

Her words.

Wow. That's quite a memory you have.

Well, my short term memory has actually improved.

My doctor calls it a, um... side effect.

Jeff: Oh.

Well played, Chang.

The chess match has begun.

What...

I'm Chinese?

Do you want to get some footage while we're waiting for Kevin?

Shirley: Maybe we could take some sh*ts of my delicious bread baking, or the affordable prices on our new Shirley's sandwiches super saver menu.

Or we could get to know the Shirley behind the sandwiches.

Here, give me that camera.

Oh. Okay.

Be careful, now. It's Abed's camera.

All right.

Watch it.

Britta: Oh, where is the stop button on this?

Oh, here it is. Okay.

You want to hear my pitch?

Mmm-hmm.

A strong, independent woman, starting her own business.

An "entrepreneu-her," if you will.

Or maybe a businesswoman?

Okay, fine. Think inside the box.

All right. Are you ready?

Mmm-hmm.

Action.

(Whimpering)

Cut. Oh! Beautiful.

You don't think the song was too much?

Are you kidding me? It made the scene.

You know what?

I want to get some better lighting up in this noise.

Let's go hit up Abed.

I never told anybody that story, Britta.

Oh, it was beautiful.

Shirley: I was dead for three minutes.

Britta: Three minutes?

Shirley: Three whole minutes. They thought I was gone.

Pierce.

How's your act coming?

Blackface senor Wences?

Mmm-hmm.

How do you think it's coming?

(Laughing)

In the unlikely event

I fail to expose Chang, I'm pretty confident Pierce will make sure we don't get a Grant.

What you talkin' about, hookey?

Wow, that bit could not get any more perfect.

Wait a minute.

I haven't introduced you to my Asian wife yet.

(High-pitched) Uh-oh...

I was wrong.

(Humming)

This is the place.

No, it's not.

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Dog barking)

Garrett, here he comes. Get up.

I can't. It's too heavy!

Garrett, now.

Now.

(Garrett breathing heavily)

Excuse me, Mr. Sullivan.

This is Houlihan. I'm her partner, Partner.

Wait, I'm Partner.

No, you're not.

We'd like to ask you a couple of questions.

What are you, the trout police?

Because if you are, you're legally bound to tell me, or else it's entrapment.

We're not the trout police.

Have you seen this man?

One morning, I see something coming out of the trout t*nk, and at first, I was scared, because, uh, I'm the last face that a lot of trout ever see.

I'm not saying that the trout are a vengeful breed, but if they were, I...

I'd probably be public enemy number one. (Chuckles)

So the figure that emerged, it was that man?

Yeah, and I was pretty relieved when I found out it was a naked Asian guy, and not an angry trout.

And when was this?

Oh, it must have been around June.

I remember because my milkweed allergies were acting up something fierce.

I gave him some clothes, and sent him on his way the next morning.

I don't know what happened to him after that.

Mr. Sullivan, how many employees do you have here?

Employees?

What do I look like, trout world?

(Laughs)

No employees. Heh, just me.

(Dog barking)

And my dog.

Annie: I knew he was hiding something.

A spike in production in June, at the peak of milkweed allergy season?

Something on this trout farm was starting to smell... wrong.

The problem was, I didn't have any way to make him talk.

Or did I?

Well, looks like everything checks out here.

Right, Troy?

No, Houlihan, I don't think anything checks out here.

No, don't fly off the handle, Partner.

Oh, I will fly off the handle, Houlihan.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm sorry, Mr. Sullivan.

Clearly, you have nothing to hide.

What are you hiding?

Fine! (Dog barking)

You got me.

I've been using that Asian guy as unpaid, manual labor for three months before I drove him into town.

But he wanted me to!

We were friends, and I treated him with respect and dignity.

Partner and Houlihan.

(Dog barking)

Shut up, Kevin!

Both: (Whispering) Partner and Houlihan.

Jeff: I don't understand.

Why would he work for no money?

Because he doesn't know about money.

Kevin doesn't know about labor laws, or 40-hour work weeks, or that that dude named him after a dog.

Growing up, I had a cat named Troy, a bird named Troy, and a hamster named Troy.

They were all older than me.

Oh, my God.

I think Kevin's struggle just got a lot sexier, Grant-wise.

This is horrible.

Jeff: It was horrible.

They were supposed to come back with a smoking g*n, and all they found was a little human rights abuse.

Which, normally, is terrible.

Abed: So do you believe Kevin now?

No. I want all your footage.

I know Chang slipped up.

He's not smart enough to play dumb all the time.

What about Shirley and Britta's footage?

It's unusable crap.

I don't care. I want it all.

Do you want it bad enough to rent me a crane?

And maybe license an expensive song?

Yeah, whatever.

♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪
♪ went up the water spout ♪

Unusable crap is generous.

It goes on like this for another 12 hours.

I couldn't even get through it all, and I sat through The Tree of Life.

Wait, right there. What's that?

Oh, come on, you slippery snake, slip up.

Doubtful. When he's alone, he mostly just practices smiling and frowning. We've all done it.

(Phone dialing)

Abed: Who's he calling?

Jeff: Good question.

We figure that out, we've got our smoking g*n.

And all thanks to Britta.

Don't ruin this.

Abed: The stage was set for a climatic final set piece.

The Macguffin people were on campus, and Jeff had prepared quite the presentation.

(High-pitched gibberish)

You shut up.

(High-pitched) But I love you.

You get yourself in the kitchen, and make me a burrito.

Oh, okay, yay! Oh, thank you.

Okay, thank you, Pierce Hawthorne for your special blend of playful racial humor.

Pelton: And genuine thoughts on Geraldine ferraro.

(Chuckles) He's an old Teddy bear.

And now, I believe Jeff Winger has a presentation.

Yay.

Ugh.

Thank you. I must confess, I was just a short while ago quite skeptical about Changnesia.

But, with the help of my friends, we have uncovered a lot about this terrible, newly-discovered, completely real disease.

I think you'll find it as eye-opening as I did.

Wait till you see what we found.

Kevin was a victim of human trafficking.

Our purpose here tonight is to help cure Kevin of his Changnesia.

Who better to jog his memory than someone special from his allegedly erased past.

So please welcome to the stage the former Mrs. Ben Chang, Alessandra.

Alessandra, come on up.

Thank you.

Ben... do you remember me?

I'm sorry.

I don't.

Admit it, Kevin.

You remember her.

This is the woman you never stopped loving.

Hit the lights!

(Phone dialing on screen)

(All gasp)

Oh...

You love her so much, you called her over and over and over again, even though you don't know her or how to use a phone or what a number is.

(All gasp)

Alessandra: What's going on here?

You told me I was here to help him.

Oh, we are here to help him, all right.

We are here to help him admit that he has been faking this whole time.

Where'd you get the number, Chang?

I found it in the vents!

It's 555-0190.

And it was the most beautiful thing id ever seen.

But I always hung up, because...

I didn't know if the person on the other end would ever want to talk to Kevin... after knowing Chang.

You seem so nice.

If we were really married, I wish I could remember for even one moment how lucky I was.

Oh...

Aw...

Oh, Ben.

(Giggling)

Uh!

(Thuds)

(All gasp)

Jeffrey, what are you doing?

Look, if he doesn't remember her, then this wouldn't bother him.

My logic is flawless!

(All shriek, shocked chatter)

Doesn't that bother you? That bothers you!

Abed: Things got so ugly, I hesitate to even show you this footage.

But I will let you see me reacting to it.

That'll probably be more than you can handle.

(Shocked chatter)

Mmm...

Actually, it's not that bad, but this keeps the story moving.

Hey, Alessandra, his last girlfriend was a charred mannequin leg!

Jeffrey! Have you lost your mind?

You never believed Kevin?

You were just lying to manipulate us into helping you hurt him?

Jeffrey, I trusted you and believed in you and fantasized about celebrating over mimosas with you!

Dean, if this is the sort of uphill battle you're facing in the fight against Changnesia, well, then, you're gonna need all the help you can get.

On behalf of the Macguffin neurological institute, Grant granted. (All exclaim)

(Excited chatter)

Jeff: So... I guess I did help.

Just not in the way I wanted to.

But, on the bright side, this is the most well-documented failure of my life.

(Indistinct chatter)

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Jeff: By trying to make Kevin a pariah, I accidentally became more Chang than Chang at his Changiest.

(Laughs)

That's funny.

Well, I didn't try to k*ll anyone.

Which no one seems to care about.

But you know what I'm saying.

(Indistinct chatter)

Can I sit here?

You sure you want to be seen with me?

You have a brand-new reputation to uphold.

(Chuckles)

I like you.

Really?

Even after everything I did to...

Whoever you are?

(Chuckles) Okay, I get it.

Changnesia's hard to understand.

At least, that's what people tell me.

Now, I don't know a thing about it, which apparently is one of the symptoms, and it's so frustrating.

Look, I know Chang was a bad guy.

So he probably deserved everything you did to him.

But you're not a bad guy.

You just made a mistake.

And I'm willing to start over fresh if you are.

Hi.

My name's Kevin.

Jeff: I'm not saying I believe him.

But I have got an idea of what it feels like to be Chang.

Wanting to leave that name behind is the sanest decision anyone can make.

(New radicals' you get what you give)

♪ 1, 2

Hi.

♪ 1, 2, 3

I'm Jeff.

♪ But when the night is falling ♪
♪ you cannot find the light ♪

all: Aw.

Thanks.

A lot of filmmakers use crane sh*ts to elicit emotion.

What the heck, Abed?

You knew what Jeffrey was planning to do the whole time?

Why can't you ever make a documentary about the thing you plan to make a documentary about?

Don't censor him!

Censorship. (Gasps)

This is the documentary.

Ugh.

Abed, you gotta teach me how to use that camera.

(Imitates g*nsh*t)

Guys... I'm sorry.

I really screwed up.

I hope you can forgive me.

Already forgotten.

(Laughter)

Oh...

(Laughter continues)

Shirley: Kevin...

What are we laughing about?

Jeff: Oh, Kevin.

All: Kevin...

(Laughter)

Adorable.

Good job.

I don't get it.

(Chuckles)

(Haunting music)

(Dialing phone)

Hi, it's me.

They all finally bought it.

Hook, line, and Winger.

I patiently await your further instructions.

Chang out.

(Chuckling)

(Cackling maniacally)

Why did I do that? Man...

(Cackling maniacally)