05x07 - Bondage and Beta Male Sexuality

[bunniefuu]

Jeff, we've known each other a long time, right?

You've come to respect me.

Sure.

Well, get ready to stop.

Please help me seduce Britta now that you've finished doing it with her.

Please, please...

Do you even really like Britta?

It seems like you like her because she doesn't like you.

Have you met the women that do like me, Jeff?

Neither have I, but trust me, they're bad people.

Fine.

To get near Britta, think like Britta.

Grab one of those free papers for hippies on the quad, go to the calendar page, and find a cause so tragic...

Are you writing this down?

Okay, we have confirmation that all the bones have been removed from the football field.

And we agree that teachers should get a 10-minute head start at the job fair.

Any other items?

[Stilted] It's Friday night.

What's everybody doing?

Oh, there's a benefit show at the Forefront Theater in Riverside for starving children with cleft palates.

Both: Aw.

I'm gonna crash the premiere of the Kickpuncher reboot dressed like classic Kickpuncher.

They shouldn't have redesigned that costume.

Keep your heads in the sand if you want.

Professor Duncan, I didn't know that cause interested you.

Well, it's starving children with cleft palates, Britta.

What part would you have me be disinterested in?

Forefront Theater?

Mm-hmm.

What time? I'm going.

I'm going too.

Me too.

Kids with cleft palates should have extra food, not less.

I'm in.

I have... dinner plans.

[All groan]

Yeah, make sure it's a hearty meal.

Oh, boo.

Help me out here.

Um, well, uh...

Pfft, are you really the one that needs help here, Winger?

Yeah, should we write a check to the Jeff Foundation?

Okay. Maybe ill go too.

Well, it's the least you can do.

[Forceful] Yeah, feels good to help.

God bless you.

Cool, so 7:30?

♪ Give me some rope ♪
♪ Tie me to dream ♪
♪ Give me the hope ♪
♪ To run out of steam ♪
♪ Somebody said it can be here ♪
♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪
♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪
♪ One by one, they all just fade away ♪

[Indistinct chatter]

Did you get it? I don't think I got it.

Well, the ants were people.

The Queen Ant was an oil company.

Okay, so it was about our marginalized perceptions as drones being born into a corporate hive-mind?

Yeah.

Mm.

Wow. McDonald's?

Oh, I was just thinking about that.

Mm.

Mm-hmm, hungry.

[Phone rings] Hello?

Okay, Alessandra, I can't talk right now.

I just got out of a show.

Okay, hold on.

Well?

Look, if you're gonna just yell at me, why...

Why are you doing this?

This is not happening to you, okay?

It's happening to us!

Well, you called me!

Well, then let me be the one to do this!

[Applause]

Uh, my mother used to tell a story about how she k*lled a chicken.

Hong Kong, 1964.

So you like the theatre, Ian?

Oh, are you kidding?

I spent half my days at university in wigs and tights.

You don't do that without befriending some actors.

[Laughs]

Hm.

Oh, my God, Michael.

I know Michael from my anarchist days.

God, he's gonna smell the sellout on me.

[Sighs]

Hey. How's it goin'?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What's going on?

I don't like this "my-kale" guy.

I don't think he likes himself, or he'd pronounce it "Michael."

Isn't she great?

She's everything I love about America.

Bold, opinionated, just past her peak, and starting to realize that she has to settle for less.

And the moment she needs a shoulder to cry on, bam.

Huh? The Duncan handkerchief.

Well, I'm out.

Have fun circling my former lover, waiting for her to cry.

I tried to make that sound good, but that's what you're doin'.

Eh. [Clinking on glass]

Uh, you're all heroes tonight for making a difference, but I want to introduce one of my heroes.

Britta Perry.

Oh.

[Laughs]

She is the bravest, most passionate activist I have ever had the honor of imitating.

So, hey, buy her a drink.

[Laughter]

Anything you wanna add, Britta?

Oh. Wow, um, I'm not a hero.

I'm a high school dropout and a bartender, so don't listen to me.

[Laughter]

Or anyone.

Just listen to yourself, and make sure you tell yourself the truth.

[Cheers and applause]

Well, it was... it was great seeing you, so...

I might stay for one drink.

Why?

I like to drink.

Oh, really?

Yeah. I have a serious problem.

That had better be true.

[Soft music]

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

[Mimics hydraulics whirring]

I am Kickpuncher.

You are in violation of future law.

[Mimics laser beam, expl*si*n]

Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!

Pew! Pew!

Oh. Damn it, come on.

What are you doing?

What?

What... what are you doing?

Making a costume for a movie premiere.

Annie banned glue g*ns from the apartment after an incident so hilarious that even describing it would narratively eclipse what's happening here.

What's happening here?

You and me bonding.

Check it out.

[Mimics hydraulics whirring]

Tell me the truth: if you were a post-apocalyptic survivor...

I would raise goats, hoard cinnamon, and travel only at night.

But, please, I have some work to do here.

Just one thing. Watch this.

Initiate ballistic foam.

[Mimics hydraulics]

Oops.

What the hell?

Sorry.

You just destroyed five hours of work!

I'll clean it up.

No, you don't touch it!

[Sighs]

I know this is bad timing, but I should go if I'm gonna make the movie, so...

What are you doing?

Oh.

Something nobody ever does.

Teaching you consequences.

But I have to go.

But you can't.

Huh, isn't that crazy?

You ever been grounded? You ever been punished?

Do you have any idea what it feels like to be refused something?

I know what it feels like when people try to control me.

You should know it never goes their way.

Ooh.

And what "kicky-punch" movie is that from?

The ones you've seen or the one I'm gonna watch you miss?

[Chuckles]

I said I was sorry.

[Laughs]

I'm sorry I punched my landlord, but I'm not gettin' my deposit back.

That's an example of you being punished for choosing to hurt someone.

I wrecked your papers by accident.

You chose to spray this crap on purpose because you didn't care what happened.

You know, let me tell you something.

For five years, I have watched people walk around on your eggshells.

"Oh, Abed. He's so imaginative, so magical.

"Everybody hide their hamburgers!

"If Abed sees a hamburger, we'll all travel in time.

"Let's eat cookies and ice cream and dress in pajamas in the middle of the day."

I watched my third wife die!

You think I'm spoiled?

[Laughs]

And you think I'm spoiled because it's never occurred to anyone to do this?

You're not the Marco Polo of bullying me.

You're just another tourist taking pictures of a great, big wall.

Oh, you're gonna make me cry.

When's the last time someone physically limited you?

Oh, just now.

You physically ruined my drawings.

Drawings of what?

You're an artist?

I destroyed something valuable?

Looked like you were doodling chickens.

He is a duck!

Uh-oh.

[Applause]

[Exhales]

Hey!

You're not allowed in there.

Well, I just did a one-man show for a little audience that would beg to disagree.

Audience? In there?

We haven't had a single person or performance in that theater since the 1997 fire.

24 people d*ed.

So what have you guys been up to?

Well, this. Raising money.

Organizing. Trying to make a difference.

I'm impressed, and embarrassed.

I sold out.

We sold out.

You did not sell out.

I'm going to community college to start a career.

We're in real estate.

We own the building we're standing in.

Wow. You guys did sell out!

I know! [Laughter]

I should introduce myself to her friends.

I knew it!

You don't have a drinking problem!

You have feelings for Britta, you disgusting monster!

Fine. Yes.

Something about everybody liking her turns me on.

It's a problem I have.

I hated Reese's pieces before E.T. ate them, sorry.

You're a bad friend!

That's not fair!

Wait, that's really not fair. You're a terrible friend.

She was mine first.

And it's not like she belongs to anybody.

Oh, here we go.

"Love isn't a game," say the guys that always win.

And now, you're going to go pull a Dane Cook in one of those three movies he was in about Dane Cook getting laid by accident.

Only it's not a Dane Cook movie, Jeff, because this time, someone's watching: me.

Your friend, British Jason Biggs.

If you never call me Dane Cook again, ill stand down... for an hour.

Okay. An hour.

Are your duck drawings a secret?

Is that why you do 'em when nobody's around?

Not that it's any of your business, but I am a cartoonist in my spare time.

My cartoon's about a duck. I was drawing him.

Does the duck have a name? Does he have powers?

I'm not pitching to you.

You're afraid I won't like it.

Sure.

I've been a cab driver, a soldier, a cop, but what terrifies me the most is the opinion of a manchild in cardboard pants.

Kickpuncher was a cop before he became a cyborg.

So you were a cop before you became... this.

And what were you before this? Were you normal?

Or do you act like this because somebody stuffed you in a locker?

Is that the idea?

Other way around.

What else do you want to know about me?

What makes you stop talking.

Letting me go.

After you miss your movie.

Because you want me to suffer.

For destroying your duck cartoons?

The ones you're ashamed of?

[Chuckles]

Uh, which one were you laughing at?

[Applause]

No, no, no, no, no! Stop that!

You're ghosts!

We're ghosts?

The janitor out there told me you d*ed in 1997.

Janitor?

Hey!

Those guys in there told me that you're the one that d*ed in a fire and you're a ghost!

And you just believed 'em?

You just believed a bunch of ghosts?

[Laughs]

[Screaming]

[Gasps] Have you guys seen that billboard on Water Street for Consensual Perfume?

The one with the man chasing the woman through the grass and it says, "Proven in its field"?

Yeah, proven in its field and in labs on the eyeballs of rabbits.

We should make it say that! Who's got the spray paint?

[Laughter]

No, guys, I'm serious!

Doug and Janet, you're on lookout.

Michael works the ladder. I will banksy that mother!

Come on, guys, we gotta start taking risks again.

Well, that's convenient for the one with nothing to lose.

Oh, so the person with the least wealth has the least valid argument?

That's convenient.

Britta, how many people have you fed this year besides yourself?

Oh, Janet...

No, look.

I've spent enough time feeling bad.

[Mocking] Fight the power!

[All snicker]

Would you like to go...

Yeah.

Yeah?

Oh, my God.

[Watch beeps]

[Chuckles]

These are really good.

It helps me to see why you were so upset.

Did I ruin anything as good as what's in here?

Ah, just practice drawings.

I have to practice drawing the duck from different angles.

It's hard when his back's turned 3/4 because of the beak.

Well...

I'm a real jerk for wrecking it.

Ah, you didn't do it on purpose.

That doesn't excuse my behavior.

No, I appreciate that.

It's a good apology. You're a good kid.

All right. Well...

I can see from the clock that if I hit all the green lights...

I'm sorry, I can't let you go.

That'd undercut the larger lesson.

Yes, the lesson being that you're very talented.

But I have this thing. I can't walk into a movie...

You're not going to the movie.

[Cabinet rattles]

Yes, I am.

You need this.

Let me go!

This is you learning.

You're a bad person and a bad cartoonist.

You go ahead. Hurt my feelings.

Oh! You have feelings, huh?

Have you considered putting them into your work?

Your cartoons are monuments to joylessness, nervously assembled jokes based on nothing from your life or anyone's life!

You're furious at me for being creative because you want to be able to create.

You have all this rage and shame and loneliness, which I don't even know how to feel much less understand, and you decide to put what on paper?

A duck. Jim the Duck. You think I'm crazy.

You think there's something wrong with me.

Jim the Duck?

Publishers are interested!

Oh! Yeah, well, publishers are stupid.

Either that or you're misinterpreting what was probably a form letter.

You shut up.

You shut up.

Now you shut up.

You shut up.

Oh, are we yelling? Are we yelling right now?

Yelling! I'm yelling!

Yelling! I'm yelling, I'm yelling, I'm yelling!

And you're not talented! You made me miss my movie!

You made me miss my movie.

[Handcuffs click]

In the words of your hacky duck, "What the hell?"

Do you like music?

[Chuckles] Everyone likes music.

What are you, a fish?

I have... Ooh, I-I tell you what we could listen to.

Do you know Rimples and Splikket?

They were the British Laurel and Hardy.

[Unintelligible banter]

Most of their stuff is timeless, but you do need to know that the prime minister went to Oxford, not Cambridge, as the sketch implies.

Are they speaking English?

Okay. '80s German techno it is.

Do you have any friends?

I'm sorry?

I've been defining myself with reactions to and from other people my whole life.

Now I feel worthless just because I'm worthless in relation to my friends, which means they're not my friends.

Who are your friends?

Well, there's my neighbor, Pat.

I try to stay on his good side. I owe him money.

Uh, Jeff. id call you a friend.

Well, in fact, id call you a...

Oh, that's right.

You and Jeff have actually known each other longer than anybody, huh?

I always forget that.

I guess 'cause you guys don't really act like friends.

Yeah, I guess not so much.

Where are we going?

Well, I think you should go home because you're having an existential crisis, and the best lesson you could take away from it is that you are someone, even when you're by yourself.

I think you're right. Thank you.

And please don't take offense at this, but thank you for not hitting on me.

I was just vulnerable enough to do something really stupid.

[Chuckles]

What's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing.

It's nothing.

It's the... the stupid steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car.

What are you doing here?

I want to show you something.

What's this?

It's a script I wrote about a cop on the edge.

Troy thought it was hilarious.

I didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't a comedy.

Why are you giving this to me?

I know all the tricks and tropes of filmmaking, but what I'm missing is what I think the critics call "substance," which is you more than me.

You want to be film partners?

[Clears throat]

"It's time for Justice. Police Justice."

Wait, the character's name is "Police Justice"?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I think I may be able to help.

I'm sorry for the stuff I said.

Me too.

Sit down.

[Sighs]

You drink scotch?

No.

You're gonna.

Hey, handsome. This stool taken?

Struck out, huh?

If that makes you feel better.

Or maybe I just realized that I was spending the whole night getting to third base with the wrong person.

You're a good friend, and I don't say that often enough.

That's really nice.

But you can't have sex with me.

How about we have these drinks and then not have sex, with anyone, together?

Sounds good.

[Glasses clink]

Cheers.

So a 9-millimeter's actually better than a 10-millimeter?

Millimeter don't make no difference.

b*ll*ts just kinda k*ll you.

"b*ll*ts just kinda k*ll you."

Are you quoting something? Can I use that?

Yeah.

You left your handkerchief at my place last night.

Ah!

We had a boys' night.

A bottle of booze, an argument about sports cars.

And I cut my hand trying to prove that I can whittle.

Me too.

[Mimics expl*si*n]

[Laughs]

Oh, hey.

How was your night?

Great.

I had a monumental evening... by myself.

Oh!

Oh... Almost feel left out.

Well, we've had our share of focus lately.

Mm-hmm. Speak for yourself.

Uh-oh.

I'm fine. I just, um...

Do you guys believe in ghosts?

And if you do, do you believe what those ghosts tell you about other ghosts?

Chang, you cannot be on the committee if you're going to be actively insane.

I'm not insane. I swear. I just, um... had a weird experience at the theater last night.

You were there?

Yeah, you were there?

What do you mean? Of course I was.

Huh, I guess we just didn't see you.

Well, the ants were people.

The Queen Ant was an oil company.

[Screaming]

What if I don't exist?

Oh, I got this.

I had a very similar night last night.

Go home, light some candles, and take a bath.

Okay, coolsies.

[Mixed chatter]

[Eerie music]

[Door opens]

Hey! I was thinking off-campus lunch.

What's that Tex-Mex place you mentioned?

Salsa Von Taco's? Read my mind!

Oh. Oh!

No, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Nah.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Oh.

No, wha... Let's...

No.

No, no, no.

Well... O-okay.

Ah...

You... you just...

Eh...

Ah. Oh, okay.

Ah...

I...

Wha...

I-I just don't like being left behind!

My father got drunk in pubs and left me in my room with nothing!

So did mine!

Oh, why would he do that?

Why do they do that?

[Sobbing] Why?

Why do they do that?

[Both sigh]

I-I won't go to that Tex-Mex place.

Oh, that's all I wanted you to say.

Hmm?

Hmm?