05x12 - Basic Story

[bunniefuu]

So according to the demonologist, the gymnasium is clean.

Jeez, we're running out of To-Do Stars.

Already dealt with.

It's hard to believe.

Somewhere along the way, we started turning this school around.

Huh.

Hmm.

Huh.

What the hell was that?

What was what?

That long, quiet lull. I don't like it.

It's called contentment, dude.

Exactly. We're never content.

Someone's always got to have a problem.

I've got a problem.

I don't like Abed's problem with our lack of problems.

Ooh.

Oh. Ah, okay.

[Laughter]

I commented on his commentary.

I just drew a circle around Abed, baby.

[Sweet voice] I don't think it's nice to pigeonhole people's gimmicks.

[Deep voice] You hear me, two voice?

Abed, let us have a moment of peace and stillness.

They're kind of rare around here.

All I'm saying is, calm before the storm.

Says the storm generator.

All right, fine. Let's be content.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Attention, students and faculty of Greendale.

I pressed this button on accident but might as well check in.

How are you?

All (in background): Fine.

Aw, that's nice. I'm good too.

I love you guys.

All (in background): We love you too.

♪ Give me some rope ♪
♪ Tie me to dream ♪
♪ Give me the hope ♪
♪ To run out of steam ♪
♪ Somebody said it can be here ♪
♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪
♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪
♪ One by one, they all just fade away ♪

The information you have requested...

...is on the internet.

[Groans] Oh.

School board, baby.

School board guys coming in.

I would appreciate some knocking.

Do you know what goes on in here?

Just a heads-up.

There's an insurance appraiser coming tomorrow.

Your ass is getting appraised insurance-style.

[Laughs]

What does that mean?

We hope it means we find out that your school is very, very valuable to the city.

Hey, how hilarious would that be?

[Laughter]

Are you guys drunk?

Good luck proving it before we're not.

Yeah.

[Scoffs]

[Electronic whirring and beeping]

Pa-pa-papaya.

Whoa!

Heh.

Strawberry.

Too ripe.

You guys have been doing this for 30 minutes.

So what?

I made all the vegetables disappear.

Usually, a lot more than this happens in 30 minutes is all I'm saying.

We're just relaxed and happy.

I care more about this than anything ive ever cared about.

Best $199 ive ever spent.

It's $3.

What are you playing?

That's control software for some kind of irrigation equipment.

It's fun.

Save Greendale Committee, unite.

Boom.

An insurance appraiser is coming tomorrow to inspect the school, and if he doesn't appraise us good, the school is doomed, doomed.

Call to adventure. Call to adventure.

What's an insurance appraiser?

Something that sounds normal and boring but is actually scary, like a raised mole or a turkey deep fryer.

There's only one man qualified to appraise insurance, and he d*ed 2,000 years ago on a cross.

I've seen insurance appraisers bleed.

Their blood's different, darker.

Everyone, take a breath.

You're overreacting because this school is addicted to crisis.

They're like one of those hurricane Katrina dogs that won't let anyone pet them anymore.

But the weird thing we need to get used to is this: The school's in decent shape.

This doesn't have to be a big deal.

I wrote a paper on those dogs.

We've worked hard all semester to save this school.

Truth is, we did.

So relax.

Are you sure, Jeffrey?

I promise.

Jeff's heart is in the right place, but he's wrong.

Greendale is a crazy place where crazy things happen.

I have a plan.

We'll pretend our school has a world-renowned physics department.

Dean, start learning Swedish.

I'll do my best!

Hickey, do you keep in touch with any unstable criminals that you busted?

Mm, five.

Get them down here for costume measurements.

Annie, we need to make a particle accelerator out of Kleenex boxes.

Nope. Nobody do any of that.

Abed, outside.

There is no story.

Everything's a story, Jeff. Getting out of bed is a story.

Certainly this is a story.

I mean, start with the study room.

We're content. I'm concerned.

Skip the fruit-matching stuff.

Dean enters with the insurance appraiser story, call, refusal.

You're literally dragging me across a threshold demanding there be no story, which puts me into a whole new world that I'm gonna have to adapt to.

Well, you have to do it by yourself, please. Okay?

Because if this appraisal is a story, that means we're in trouble, and we are not in trouble, because if we are...

No more stories.

Ta-da.

So we'll see you later.

After no story.

No story.

So be it.

Let the lack of story...

[Slurping]

Hey.

Oh, put one trap behind each cabinet.

Although I think we're good.

The cafeteria food k*lled most of the roaches anyway.

Hey, check it out.

Is this a wedding ring?

Are you kidding?

What...

Aww, I lost this my first week here.

Oh, who's the lucky...

It's my mom's.

I started wearing it because... I don't know.

Everybody dreams of settling down, right?

And because it fits.

She had huge fingers for a woman, part of what k*lled her, really.

I'm not dreaming about settling down.

Well, maybe you already have.

You're teaching, and you like it.

You love Greendale.

No, I love scotch and myself.

I tolerate Greendale.

It's a good school.

That's why there's no need for this to get sentimental.

This inspection is going to be the most boring thing to happen here since Britta dated Troy.

All right, no story.

Wait.

If there's no story, what am I explaining?

I'm in a story.

Okay, think, Abed, think.

How do you shake a story?

The answer... is in the teacher's lounge.

[Dramatic music]

Here he comes, here he comes.

Okay.

Hi, there. My name is Ronald Mohammed.

Go ahead. ive heard them all.

The city of Greendale has sent me here to assess this campus' level of liability.

Now, what do I mean by liability?

Well, the city defines liability as any asserted or non-asserted perturbation by any qualifying party.

What's a party?

A party is a person or a group of persons or an event celebrating a person or a party of persons' birth, marriage...

Don't panic, Jeffrey.

Hmm? I'm fine.

I'm the only one who's not panicking.

Oh, please.

You can lie to yourself, but don't lie to me.

But the city defines a dog as any living entity with four legs and a tail, so raccoons, bears, mountain lions, mice... these are all just different sizes of dog.

What do I mean by "size"?

I'll tell you a story.

What's that supposed to mean?

I know how much you feel for the campus, Jeff.

I know how much you feel in general.

And I know you think it's a weakness, but believe me, it's your strength.

You got something in your teeth.

Mm-hmm, you got something in your chest.

400,000 gallons of liquefied horse meat.

Here I come.

Just...

"And you shall find that salt is the taste "of another man's bread, and hard is the way up and down another man's stairs."

Dante.

Let's proceed.

[Gasps]

No!

It's always a story.

Everything is a story.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Story feeds on conflict.

If I stop resisting, it'll stop being a story.

No, Abed.

Me with a beard?

Keep fighting the story.

Keep fighting it until it falls apart.

I'm right.

I mean I'm wrong.

I mean I'm right. I mean I'm wrong.

I mean I'm right. I mean I'm wrong.

I mean I'm right. I mean I'm wrong.

Unsubscribe.

For the final stage of my appraisal, I am going to randomly select one of your vending machines to see if it can be rocked using human strength enough to tip and crush me.

Now, in the U.S., each year, six people die this way, and five of them are insurance appraisers, so I take this very seriously. Here we go.

[Grunts]

Okay.

Whoo!

Sorry we're late.

Hey, look. It's Ronald Mohammed.

How about that name? [Laughter]

All right, Ronald, what's the damage?

How much is this scampy, little hole in the Earth gonna cost us this year?

Well, your gas leak is repaired, all your fire exits actually lead outside, and I am told that no new species have been discovered here in a week.

I have to say, I was brought in here to estimate Greendale's liability, but at this point in time, id describe this campus as an actual property asset.

This property has value.

[All cheering]

Yeah!

Best news ever!

[Dave Matthews Band's Ants Marching]

[Grunting]

This property has value.

It has value.

That means we can sell it!

We can finally sell it!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Press "stop" on Dave Matthews.

What did you just say?

We can start courting businesses to unload this school on the private sector.

What do you mean "unload it"?

This is a huge chunk of real estate, which generates no tax revenue and takes money from the education budget.

That's because it's a community college.

Well, excuse us for taking longer to see that was the problem.

Maybe we're not as smart as you.

I mean, we only went to Yale.

Oh, no, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

Oh!

Oh, hey, we should call T.J.Maxx right away.

Dude, I told you. This jacket looks fine.

No, to talk about selling this place.

Oh, right. Yeah, T.J.Maxx, Marshalls.

What about Ben & Jerry's?

Oh, Richie, you're my friend, but that is the last thing you need.

[Sighs] Tough love received, bro.

[Somber music]

I did it. This school is story-free.

We can be content now forever.

[Sighs]

Ahh!

[Grunting]

Let me be one of the six this year.

Craig... Craig, this vending machine is not gonna tip over and crush you.

Why not? Why?

Because we fixed it when we saved Greendale.

We saved Greendale.

And now they're gonna sell it.

[Sobs]

[Dave Matthews Band's Ants Marching]

♪ He wakes up in the morning ♪

If I come over there, there are gonna be two sounds: me hitting you twice.

♪ Never changes a... ♪

Hello, Greendale, as you know, our school will soon be replaced by a sandwich university.

However, every ending is also a beginning.

Sure, things may look bad now.

Some of us may have no idea where we're going or what to do.

But...

Okay, okay, I should have written this out.

I thought id be able to come up with something on the fly.

Moving on to phase two: the actual saving of Greendale.

Annie...

I've generated a few ideas involving social media that I think might do the trick.

Annie...

You want us to tweet "SaveGreendale"?

I'm sorry, Annie.

The reason I have 48 followers is that I don't exploit them.

They come to me for atheistic rants and photos of my meals, not this obnoxiousness.

We need to make people aware that Greendale exists and needs help.

Why?

Because once the internet knows about something, it changes.

Right. Just ask Chris brown or China.

[Sobbing]

Jeff, you made Annie cry.

Well, if it's any consolation, this is the last time that will ever happen.

[Sobbing]

I know how to save Greendale.

Treasure. Buried treasure.

Okay, I'm tapped.

We all wish we could do something, Annie, but I think that concludes the last meeting of the Save Greendale Committee, the committee that did its darnedest.

Wait.

Are we sure we can't stop the school from being sold to Subway?

I'm afraid so, Chang.

Okay, I just wanted to make sure.

Ha-ha, screw you guys.

It's time to get paid.

♪ $5 ♪
♪ $5 footlong ♪
♪ Any, any, any, 5 ♪
♪ $5 footlong ♪
♪ Any, any, any, 5 ♪

Chang just unexpectedly betrayed the group for the last time.

[Sighs]

[Sobbing]

Greendale is going to make a great Subway sandwich university.

You know, research shows most of your graduates end up working for our restaurants anyway.

That's by design. We're very proud of our school.

Proud of Subway's school. This campus is yours now.

If you want to dynamite it, all we ask is that you let us light the fuse.

Yeah, we hate this place.

You just said you were proud of it.

Oh, proud of its potential.

Love its potential.

This will be your office.

[Sobbing]

Why?

Okay, we'll check in on that later.

What's the matter, guys?

Can't wait until Greendale's corpse is cold before you put it on a 6-inch white bun?

Young lady, that's not fair.

Subway doesn't call its bread "buns," and we don't serve white.

We serve Italian, honey oat, nine-grain wheat.

Great, thanks for making my joke accurate.

Now it's hilarious.

Classes are over, kids.

We're helping the Dean pack.

This is still Greendale for two hours.

Enjoy it.

Wait.

You don't call your bread "buns."

What do you call them?

Bread.

Well, bread is a substance.

What do you call the units of bread you use, "breads"?

[Sobbing]

You okay?

I just wish we had more time.

I could turn things around. I swear.

Look, I got one of these label things.

It makes custom labels.

This was gonna help me get organized.

Aw.

Where should we start?

Should we pack up these pictures?

They're not really mine.

They're Greendale history.

Here's our 1987 civil rights march.

This was when we started offering Photoshop classes.

And that's Russell Borchert.

Both: "Borchert, Borchert, loved computers"...

Yes, yes, "...more than women's butts or hooters."

Very mature, you two.

[Chuckles]

Was there any truth to that legend?

The legend that a Greendale computer professor made love to a computer and d*ed of the first computer virus?

Sure.

The truth is, Greendale had a computer professor.

By the way, he was a millionaire and a genius.

He has sex with one computer, and that's his legacy?

So after all my work, how will I be remembered?

The bald Dean with glasses, I guess.

Are you aware there's an engraved plate on this frame that says "the truth is behind this picture"?

Of course I'm aware, Abed. I'm not an idiot.

[Gasps]

Whoa, wait.

It meant literally?

What is it?

[Coughs]

[All gasp]

I understand you were teaching Fundamentals of Law here.

Yeah.

Think you could make the transition to teaching Sandwich Law?

It's essentially the same, I'm sure, just a bit more focused.

Here.

That's a subway black card.

It entitles you to $5 footlongs for life.

For life, Mr. Winger, for life.

[Soft music]

Hey.

Hey.

So... What are you going to do?

I'm thinking I'm gonna transfer to City College, but I'm knowing I'm gonna be a bartender.

[Chuckles]

You?

Subway offered me a job.

Nice.

I'm worried about Abed and Annie. They're not ready for this to end.

Yeah, they're part of the adulthood-begins-at-30 generation.

I'm... I'm actually looking forward to a little bit of...

Sanity?

Yes, sanity.

Yeah, I mean, it's over, but on the other hand, it's over.

Amen.

And to think this all started because you wanted to...

Nail you. [Chuckles]

Yeah, I regret nothing.

Don't.

I mean, after everything that has happened here, what did either of us really get done aside from each other?

Exactly, and what are either of us gonna be leaving with?

Um, I should go clean out my locker, she said at the age of 33.

Let's get married.

What?

Yeah, right?

I mean, this is what matters, isn't it?

This is what keeps this all from being pointless.

Let's do what people do.

Let's get a house we can't afford and a dog that makes us angry.

And dedicate an entire cabinet to grocery bags and realize we have a favorite brand of olive oil?

Yes, marry me.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah... uh, yeah, this feels right.

Let's get out of here and never look back.

Yeah, but first, let's lock these doors and pull these shades.

We've never had sex on the new table.

Yes, two for two.

Medium roughness, high tempo?

Let's make it a number eight.

Buried treasure!

Whoo!

Buried treasure!

Lock the doors. Close the blinds.

We could save Greendale, Jeff.

There may be treasure on campus.

Hidden, buried treasure.

Treasure!

We need to call an emergency meeting somewhere safe where no one can hear or see, because we have to keep this a secret, because it's a buried...

Both: Treasure!

Buried treasure!

♪ Buried treasure, buried treasure ♪
♪ Buried treasure, buried treasure ♪
♪ Buried treasure, buried treasure ♪
♪ Buried treasure, buried treasure ♪
♪ Buried treasure, buried treasure ♪
♪ Buried treasure, buried treasure ♪

Interesting.

Emergency meeting.

[Cackling]

And that's how I ended up at Greendale.

Isn't it strange how it took this school shutting down for you and I to finally get to know each other?

So what's up next for you?

Don't know, maybe go stay with family in Lincolnshire.

Lincolnshire?

Yeah.

Where in Lincolnshire?

Just a little town called Scunthorpe.

Scunthorpe? I was stationed around Scunthorpe.

No.

Oh, wait, wait.

♪ O'er the lady's smocks I tarry ♪
♪ Through the hollyhocks and glen ♪
♪ For a piss and a thrush in Scunthorpe ♪
♪ Then it's off to Henningpen ♪

[Laughter]

I love that.

Oh, where in God's name did you learn that song?

Stainsbury Pub.

My family practically lived in Stainsbury's.

I lost my virginity at Stainsbury's.

My mother was a Stainsbury whore.

[Laughs]

Mine was missing a thumb.

Oh, my God.

[Laughs]

Two thumbs, yeah, she got both. Two thumbs.

I mean, you may have slept with my aunt, but given the circumstances, cheers.

Cheers, yeah.

Yeah.

Mm, so you're gonna stay with your family till you get your bearings?

I've got a cousin, Clive, who's got a spare room.

You and he would really get along, actually.

Really?

Yeah.