05x13 - Basic Sandwich

[bunniefuu]

This is Russell Borchert, computer genius, anti-deodorant activist, and millionaire.

He was rich for having invented the 9-track cassette, which the 8-track industry paid to keep quiet.

He funneled that wealth into a computer school called Greendale, where he obsessively pursued a new project, a machine that can process feelings.

He apparently used nothing but gold to assemble his circuitry, believing it to be a better conductor of human emotion.

It was a weird time. The Bionic Woman won an Emmy.

Rumors spread about his relationship with computers, and one day, he disappeared, hence the legend that he d*ed of the first computer virus.

The city bought the campus, and life went on.

His body was never found, nor was his immense wealth.

Some people said he hid his money using a portal to another dimension.

Those people were on LSD.

Everyone else said he had a secret vault in his office.

Well, where's his office?

Good question.

We found this confession written by Greendale's first Dean.

"To protect the student health and the school's reputation, I have sealed off the computer department and removed the stairwell to that entire section."

A section that remains on this campus somewhere, its secrets untouched, including quite possibly Borchert's millions.

If we found it, we could buy it from the city before Subway.

Then I could really go nuts with this place.

This is the kind of adventure I usually have to force upon us, and here it is, falling into our laps.

We're like the Goonies, except our story tracks logically and has a chance of holding up to objective critical scrutiny.

[All talking at once]

Can you please stop that?

Sorry.

Here are your blueprints. Sorry it took so long.

You can't fight city hall.

Apparently you can. That's why it took so long.

Well, ill be damned. Would you look at that?

It's so clear now.

The entire school is shaped like a penis.

No, that.

It says right here that this stairway leads to sublevel three.

Is that where the teachers' lounge is?

[Gasps]

What the hell does your penis look like?

Obviously a cluster of buildings, so let's all have a big laugh at the freak.

♪ Give me some rope ♪
♪ Tie me to dream ♪
♪ Give me the hope ♪
♪ To run out of steam ♪
♪ Somebody said it can be here ♪
♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪
♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪
♪ One by one, they all just fade away ♪

The missing stairwell would be in this area.

Keep your eyes peeled. I don't know why, but serial K*llers and people that hide treasure always leave weird little clues.

Check it out.

Look at the bottle held by the school's first and least acceptable mascot, Big Chief Drunky.

X marks the spot, baby.

[All talking at once]

Maybe you shouldn't be... Okay.

[Laughs]

Shirley, will you lock the door?

Okay.

[Lock clicks]

[Squeals]

[Laughs]

[Screams]

There you go.

It's just a bunch of wires.

Exactly what they want us to think.

[All scream]

Oh, my God.

[Screams]

Wait, wait, wait.

The sparks may be spelling out the next clue.

[All screaming, chattering]

Is Duncan okay?

He'll live, but his food's gonna taste like burnt aluminum for a while.

It's pronounced "al-u-minium."

See, he's fine.

Okay, guys, stop it now.

Nobody wants to admit its over, but come on.

Oh, look, it's Jeff Winger, fun police, here to pull over our smiles 'cause our mouths have tinted windows.

Britta and I are getting married.

What?

Married?

Well, you're gonna need way more doves than this.

What does this look like, an hour-long episode of The Office?

There's pick-axing and electric zapping.

Don't even acknowledge it. We are not acknowledging this.

You guys are ridiculous together.

We're ridiculous? What do you call this?

Secret trapdoor!

Booyah.

Who's got rope?

I'm offended by that question.

[Grunts]

[Knock at door]

This is Richie and Carl from the school board.

That's right. We got names.

Open this door now.

Wait, I know where the keys are.

You hear that?

When we get there, you're gonna be in big trouble.

Here they are. Here they are.

Which one is it?

Well, it's never the first one, so we can cancel this one out.

Come on.

I guess now this is the first one, so it should be the next one.

Oh, damn.

You know what?

I got it. Get out of the way.

Richie, be careful.

Don't worry.

I've been drinking.

[Shouting]

Oh, hello. Would you like some tea?

The tea is swell.

Do you think they...

Shh.

I think...

Shh.

Oh, come on, shh.

Shh.

[Both shushing]

You know it's just as loud as...

Both: Shh.

[All shushing]

Everybody, shut up!

Guys, I think this is the lost section of Greendale.

Nobody's been in here since the '70s.

How do you know?

Because the debate team topic is "Who's hotter, Elliot Gould or Donald Sutherland?"

Both: Donald Sutherland.

Scary.

Oh, relax.

If it's anything like a regular dungeon, it's only as dangerous as whoever invited you.

Abed, if there's k*ller robots down here, you'll tell them we're on your side, right?

Yes, but we won't know them from ordinary robots until they k*ll us.

So what do we do now?

Split up.

Leave no '70s reference unturned.

This decade's a little out of my wheelhouse.

Pet rock... Leave no pet rock unturned.

Here, let me lead. My light's better.

Your light's better?

You're that insecure that your light has to be better?

Shut up.

You shut up.

Anything in there?

Just spider webs and beanbag chairs.

Oh, don't cry.

The importance of lumbar support hadn't...

It's not that.

It's just even if we do save Greendale, which Greendale will we be saving?

First Pierce dies. Then Troy leaves.

Now people are...

Getting married?

Annie, look, I don't know people, but I know TV.

When characters feel like the show they're on is ending, their instinct is to spin off into something safer, in Jeff and Britta's case, something that would last six episodes and have a lot of bickering about tweezers and gluten, starring them and an equally W.A.S.P.-y brunette couple with a title like better with my worse half or awfully wedded or tying the not, but "knot" is spelt without a K, or #CouplePeopleProblems, and every episode, you get...

Abed. Abed, stop developing.

Sorry.

The point is, this show, Annie, it isn't just their show.

This is our show, and it's not over.

And the sooner we find that treasure, the faster the Jeff-Britta pilot falls apart.

Got it. Thank you, Abed.

You're welcome.

I have a girlfriend.

What?

You were about to start a kiss lean.

I was not.

Fine. Let's go find treasure.

Did you find anything?

No.

We've searched every crevice of this place, and the only treasures we've found are this CB radio, these basketball cards with white people on them, and this little rocket launcher from some action figure.

[Gags]

Seems like an odd place for a dead end, though.

Could be a secret door.

Maybe the jukebox is the key to it.

Just remember, it's okay if we fail.

Right, Jeff?

That's right.

Agh, try every button. Just try every single button ever.

[Spits and gasps]

Are you all right?

No!

I was dying!

Try track 127.

Right.

Because 127 in binary code would be a palindrome.

Because the song title is "Open the Door" by The Secret Doors.

[Funky disco music playing]

♪ Open the door ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ We got to open the door ♪
♪ And the door is opening ♪
♪ You're the playing the song that opens the door ♪
♪ We recorded this song for when you open the door ♪
♪ Specially timed to the duration of the opening process ♪

Borchert's secret lab.

That's the machine Borchert was working on in the film.

Borchert's gold.

We need to get this upstairs.

Save Greendale.

[Chittering]

[Screams]

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

You're Russell Borchert, aren't you?

Hey, I'm gonna peel off some band-aids here.

Dennis Hopper is dead, TV shows give no time for theme songs anymore, and Woody Allen did the voice of a cartoon ant.

[Growling]

[All screaming]

Jeff!

Sorry, I lose track of how big I'm getting.

I don't.

You vandalized private property.

You nearly destroy the school when it's finally about to make a profit?

You guys are the worst, with your stupid paintballs and your freeze tags.

Hot lava.

That was hot lava?

Dumb.

[Snarls]

Tell us where the others went.

Guys, guys.

What do you want to do?

What should we do?

Well, what can we do?

Okay.

I'm gonna need you guys to stay back and never tell anyone about what you saw here today.

[Panting and voices swelling]

You're special, Richie. Your mind is special.

You know it works differently from other kids' minds.

♪ Richie's a freak, Richie's a freak ♪

[Panting]

Thank you.

I know where they went.

They climbed out a window to the roof, hopped on a hang glider, and flew it across town to that Greek restaurant, Papa Cristo's?

I robbed your brain. I robbed it.

Hey, guys, we found a hatch in the floor underneath the vending machine.

I think they went down inside it.

Was there a hang glider?

You're gonna find out...

You're gonna find a hang glider down there.

That much I know.

So anyway, I sealed myself up down here with 50 years of food, 50 years of toilet paper, and 50 years of cocaine, which I somehow ran out of after about 10 years.

Wow, the '80s happened down here too.

Yeah.

Hey, what are you doing with Raquel?

Mm-mm, uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

Russell, we're on a bit of a deadline, and to put it bluntly, we need your gold.

Raquel!

Uh, guys, little help...

She just needs a little more time.

Sir, Raquel has taken the best years of your life and a dozen of your not-so-good.

If she hasn't given anything back, it might be time to move on.

Stop. You guys, what are we doing?

Saving Greendale.

From what?

We were driven down here by sellouts with crappy values.

Since when do human beings decide which dreams are worthwhile?

Look at him. He's one of us.

We have to respect each other enough to let each other want what we want, no matter how transparently self-destructive or empty our desires may be.

If it was money that you guys wanted, why didn't you say so?

You can just have my leftover cash that's under the desk over there.

Yeah, I don't think it's worth much up there.

Those are Gerald Ford dollars.

How many?

Eh, couple of million.

Back in the '70s, that was worth millions.

Hey, ive got an idea.

How about you people leave me alone and I hereby grant that to Greendale?

[Laughs]

What?

[All cheer]

Glad to hear it.

Get back. This pickle's a magnet.

Whoa, whoa.

I'll wipe her out, man.

Don't you dare use that pickle...

[Both talking at once]

Get over there with them.

You have no legal claim to that money.

Take it up with Subway in about an hour after close of escrow.

Hey, Chang, you've become a bad guy again?

There's a lot more to it than that, Britta.

[Laughs]

[Grunts]

Wait, I'm not wearing a mask?

Okay, there's no more to it. I think I'm just mentally ill.

All right, just stay back. All right?

No, don't.

No!

♪ Close the door ♪
♪ Yeah, sweet mama ♪
♪ We got to close the door ♪
♪ The door is closing ♪
♪ Faster than it opens ♪
♪ For dramatic effect ♪

Hey!

Hang in there.

Raquel is the main operating system.

She controls the door, the lights, the shower probably, everything, and now she's dead.

[Crying]

So we're trapped in here forever.

Or just until we run out of food and water.

At least we'll have each other.

Till death do us part.

You know what? You guys can have my food and water.

Come on, Raquel. Come on.

Baby. Come on.

[Groans]

[Laughs]

Oh, thank God.

Her emotional components are still on-line.

Emotional components?

I have accomplished things down here you couldn't even possibly imagine.

Here, let me show you.

Ah, right there! That was it. That was it. Did you see it?

Don't you see? This computer responds to feelings.

When I started Greendale, it was for ordinary people to be able to access technology.

Wait, you started Greendale.

Do you have that in writing anywhere?

I don't know.

Somewhere with all that crap over there.

But without an emotional component, computers would strip us of all humanity and create a society with emotionless eggheads at the top and idiots with feelings at the bottom, and I refuse to let that happen, and that's why ive spent...

What? What is that?

It's a video of a kitten.

And why are those people arguing about it?

And what's that?

That's an emoticon.

That person wants to indicate happiness but can't convey it with language, so they misuse punctuation to form a smile.

[Sighs]

That is so... stupid.

Only an idiot would think of this.

Idiots won, which means my work down here is done.

Good, because according to what I'm seeing, if we can get you up there right now, Subway won't be buying this school.

What?

What?

Uh, yeah, but it's gonna take a few hours to get that door open, because Raquel's logic circuits... bleh, not good.

You said her emotional components work.

Well, in theory, a blast of human passion could shock the mainframe into a cold start, but that's only if somebody in this room has feelings stronger than I get when I rub my nipples, so good luck with that, folks.

Give me that.

Everybody over there. Turn around.

Turn around now.

You're here to save me, aren't you?

Let's get out of here and never look back.

Jeff, in case you ever have to remember me, can I give you some options for voice-over quotes?

Shut up, Abed.

Milady.

Milord.

[Machines whirring]

What did you do?

Don't worry about it. Let's go.

The city of Greendale is proud to be selling the school of Greendale to Subway.

This brings to an end several years of horrible management by Dean Craig Isidore Pelton.

Not to throw anyone under the bus, but he'd be the one.

And by my watch, it is about time to sign these documents and make it official.

Objection!

I teach law at Greendale, so believe me, I don't know much about law, but I do know a contract violation when I see one.

This is a legitimate transaction where a city is selling a school to a restaurant.

It happens somewhere every day.

Oh, the city can sell the school all it wants, but according to his contract with the city, the school's original founder retains the privilege of consultation on all future scholastic endeavors taking place here.

So Subway Sandwich University, meet your new Vice Dean, Russell Borchert.

Oh.

[People murmur]

[Mumbling]

[Clears throat]

[Snorting]

Hi, I guess we're gonna be partners.

I understand there's some internet where I can make my inner thoughts public.

It seems like Greendale the city and Greendale the school have some stuff to sort out, and Subway doesn't... doesn't do conflict.

We do good food at good prices.

We are but simple sandwich artists who want the world to eat fresh.

All: Eat fresh!

Subway, ho!

Did we just save Greendale?

Did we just save Greendale?

No, no, you did not.

You moved dirt around Greendale's grave.

Your school is still bankrupt, it is still unmarketable, and it is still on the permanent chopping block of anyone who has any say in its future.

Yeah?

Well, around here, we call that Wednesday.

[All cheer and whooping]

♪ He wakes up in the morning ♪

[All imitating Dave Matthews singing]

♪ Never changes a thing ♪

Hey, after I was electrocuted, didn't you two say you were gonna get married?

Doesn't electrocuted technically mean k*lled?

Do you always have to correct people like that?

Do you always have to police correcting?

That's it. The marriage is off.

I think you mean the wedding is off.

Yeah!

Hey, hey.

Hey, I got to say, you held up well under that interrogation.

[Giggles]

I'm gonna tell you something that id like to stay between us.

Oh.

I was thinking about a hang glider.

None of this conflict truly matters.

The only owners of this land are the Arapaho.

Would it offend you if I asked you to train me in the use of certain powers?

Sorry, Carl. You deserve better.

Chang, you get it.

How would you like a job on the school board?

Okay.

Your first job is to deliver this to the city bursar's office.

On it.

Hi, yes, id like to replace all my teeth with diamonds.

We live to fight another day.

Speaking of days, I never got a chance to wish you a happy birthday or Halloween or Christmas or any specific calendar event.

Well, maybe next year.

Definitely.

We'll definitely be back next year.

If not, it'll be because an asteroid has destroyed all human civilization, and that's canon.

What? What are you...

Hmm? Nothing.

[Imitating Dave Matthews singing]

♪ ♪

[Applause]

♪ Lights down, you up and die ♪

Am I thinking what you're thinking?

[Whispering] Penny for your thoughts.

Intensive Karen.

Mr. Egypt.

Celebrity b*at-off.

Captain Cook.