01x07 - Series 1, Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

You two are talking utter crap, and you don't even know it.

Bollocks, Bird. No way is Donatello the best Ninja Turtle.

Aye, I'm with Mac. Course you are. Donatello is the smart one and he's got the fighting skills.

So...? Aye, with a shitey wee stick. Raphael every time.

He's got those forky things.

Mac! Rocket! Are we done with this, having discussed it the whole journey back?

All: No!

You're probably Michelangelo. Gay.

(They snigger)

I asked you to stop this 40 minutes ago.

So please... stop.

Now.

I always liked Splinter the rat.

That's bollocks!

Mac: He wasn't a turtle, he was a rat, so... how can he be the best turtle?

OK, if Raphael was the best turtle, why was he permanently furious for no reason?

He's a teenager. Duh!

If Raphael fought Donatello...

No, no, no, no, no.

Just ignore her, Rocket. She's just getting pissy because we're off on leave in a fortnight, and she's no'.

Yeah, well, thank you for being such a tosser about it.

A whole week of beer and shagging.

Well, I hope all your beers are flat and your tiny knob goes green and drops off.

We should do some weights. Want to look ally for the ladies!

Aye. Bird, is the exercise machine ready?

"Exercise machine"? No, the Birdiciser 4000 is a breakthrough in low-budget improvised personal training solutions.

The Birdiciser 3000 was a f*cking death trap.

Because you basically tried to have sex with it, Mac. In fact, you two are banned from the Birdiciser 4000, cos you have no bloody respect for the time it took me to make it.

Both: Come on! No! No, I'm sick of being taken for granted by a bunch of useless toilets like you two.

That is harsh. All right, all right.

You lot are going off on leave soon, and we're not.

Can we all please just get over that hurdle and kiss and make up?

Hey, guys, listen.

New plan.

How about we all share a surprise that I got in the post this morning?

Was it cheese frae your da? It's a surprise.

It's cheese from his da. It might not be.

Doesn't he work in Tesco? On the cheese counter.

OK, here's the surprise!

You're all not having cheese!

Or whatever it may be.

Hello! Want a toffee?

Ah! You're back, then. Or... we all d*ed and came to haunt the sh*t out of you.

Oooooh! I don't believe in ghosts.

What about the Holy Ghost? Mm, double standards.

Mm-hm... Anyway...are you busy?

It's only a couple of weeks before you abandon me and go off on leave.

Want to come back to my quarters, make out with the best officer in Afghan?

Ooh! The best officer? Uh-huh.

Sounds fit. When can I meet him?

Boss? You asked me to remind you about the kit check.

Remind me later.

OK, it's just that the search team are here to speak to you, sir.

Well, I'm not surprised, because he is... the best officer in Afghan. OK, sorry, I'm going to leave you to it.

Hello! Millsy, what the hell was that? What was what, boss?

I was talking to Mary.

When I'm talking to Mary, you don't interrupt!

Oh. Right. Sorry.

Cos my chances with Mary, they are already infinitesimal, without you blundering in.

"Oh, kit check, boss, kit check, boss!"

Leave...me...alone... when...I'm...talking...to...Mary. Understood?

Understood, boss. Won't happen again.

I'll get the kit ready. Thank you.

Mary: Hey, Millsy! Afternoon, sir.

Afternoon, Nick. Could we have a word when you've done the kit check?

I've got...

(Mortars approaching)

Incoming!

(Explosions)

Incoming!

Mortars! Everyone, take hard cover!

Faruq!

Mary?

Mary! Are you OK?

I'm fine. Oh, I'm fine.

(expl*si*n)

No, I'm not fine. Sorry. I've never been under direct fire before.

Technically, this is indirect fire, because direct fire would mean that...

It doesn't matter. There's nothing to worry about.

(expl*si*n)

That doesn't sound like nothing.

No, no, no, really, they're further away than they sound.

I mean, it takes them ages to find their range, and by the time they have, the choppers will be here, so...

Really?

Yeah, really.

More likely to get run over crossing the street.

Unless you live in a residential area with traffic-calming measures.

Can be very dang... Millsy? Shall we play a game?

Great!

(expl*si*n)

Do you really like Michelangelo?

Oh... No! Look, can we...

Do you know what, Rocket?

I remember when I was a private, having a stupid, pointless conversation.

It may even have been about whether Optimus Prime was better than Galvatron.

And I remember... Aye! Optimus Prime all the way.

Yes!

Yeah, well, anyway, Captain Glover said to me... ."You've got to think a bit bigger. Where do you want to go?

"There's a corporal inside you, Lansley."

(Laughs)

Gay!

Don't be like Mac!

Look, the point is, a good officer spots potential in his men.

So, Rocket... where do you want to go?

Hm? Don't you want to do something productive with your life?

I'm doing something productive!

I'm in the Army. What else do you want me to do - take up knitting?

Look, we're going to be stuck here until the Apaches arrive, so let's think about how to best use your time in the Forces!

Actually...

(Huge expl*si*n)

..my granny taught me to knit when I was ten.

I liked it.

I made a scarf for her.

But then she d*ed.

Ooh, nuts! Brilliant!

Mm!

No.

There's f*ck all in here.

No laptops, no Xbox, no DVDs.

f*ck all.

Twenty minutes, they'll be gone. Trust me.

Oh, friends of yours, are they?

No.

Perhaps distant cousins.

They're young, just letting off steam.

Oh, steam and mortars.

You know, Faruq, I sometimes wonder whose side you're on in this w*r.

On your side, obviously!

You pay me.

I reckon if the Taliban took over tomorrow, you'd hang out the flags.

Flags are not permitted under the Taliban!

(Huge expl*si*n)

f*ck, it's getting closer.

Relax! This always happens.

They fire their mortars.

Boom, boom, boom, boom!

Your helicopters arrive, and then boom, boom, boom, boom...

(Imitates expl*si*n)

It is the circle of life.

You want DVD of Lion King?

We shall agree 20.

Do I look like I was born yesterday? Fine.

Have you noticed there's a mortar att*ck going on?

Of course!

She's very observant.

For a woman. Bye-bye!

w*nk*r!

His balls must be made of granite.

And his head must be made of balls.

I've been meaning to ask you. Hm?

Does Nick often flick you on the forehead when he's cross with you?

Oh, no, no, no.

Sometimes it's the cheeks.

Or the ears.

(Laughs)

(expl*si*n)

So, what are you going to do when you get back?

Oh!

Go home.

Fish supper.

Ohhh!

Go to bed. Yes...?

Get up.

Eggs and beans.

Back to bed. Oh, probably get a pie for lunch!

Yeah, actually... Doesn't matter.

(Clears throat)

I was thinking I might apply for Sandhurst.

Next year, or something. What do you think?

But they knocked you back! Said you're not officer material.

That was Captain Glover who said that. Ages ago.

Was he no' the one that said you'd only be a corporal?

No. Well...

He didn't mean that I could only be...

What he meant was he...

He was wrong.

Basically.

Anyway... I've never actually applied to be an officer, so I thought I could now.

Reckon I'm in with a shout?

I...I cannae sit around here blethering all day.

I need to look ally for leave.

Time to unveil the Birdiciser 4000!

Bird said you couldn't.

(Laughs admiringly)

Nice work, Bird!

(Machinery creaks)

Oh, yeah!

(Whooshing)

(Whooshing)

Will you stop that?

I've got this admin to do.

f*ck off. No admin.

Fridge.

We've hit...paydirt!

We can't eat it.

Can't we?

No, we should put it back in the fridge.

Aye.

We should stop looking at it.

Aye.

Yes, I like where you're going with this, Captain, but had you thought of f*ring rockets from the helicopters?

You had? Marvellous.

Bye!

Now, I thought you'd like to see this.

I presume you'd already heard.

Colonel Morris, yeah. Got the news last night.

A sad day. Did he take you all the way through your training?

Yeah, most of it. The whole ATO and high-thr*at courses.

What a f*cking waste.

Spends his whole life defusing IEDs then dies during routine surgery.

(Nick laughs)

He had my number as soon as I turned up at Kineton.

He said, "You are an arrogant twat, Medhurst.

"You'd better have something to be arrogant about."

Wise words.

Really knew his men.

Knew who needed to be knocked down a peg or two.

And is that what you aspire to?

Yeah, I think I know my men pretty well.

Er, Millsy and I are like that.

I mean, if I take a sh*t, he knows about it, although that is mainly due to those dodgy figs Faruq got me.

Er, I know Bird.

Yes, I'd heard about that.

A very considerate lover, apparently.

Well... I wouldn't, um...

Anyway, Simon wants to be an officer, Rocket wants food, Mac wants to insert his penis into anything he can see.

Yeah. Yeah, I think I know my men pretty well.

(Huge expl*si*n)

What about Mary?

You don't know her as well as you'd like, do you?

No. No, sir, no.

Er, although I think that Mary...

There she is, her first time under fire... quivering...

What are you saying, sir?

Nothing.

Just surprised that you're not over there.

What's the first rule?

"Get over there."

So you're saying that running through a fairly spicy mortar att*ck to protect a woman who, frankly, has shown little interest in me will make her want to have sex with me?

Yeah, that... That is actually...

That is actually quite a good idea. Good luck.

Right.

This is actually really f*cking dangerous.

Mary, don't panic, it's all right, I'm here.

And you're here too.

And you're both fine.

Everyone's playing Scrabble.

Brilliant. How nice.

So, er...

So you're OK, then?

Well, I just lost by 150 points, but other than that...

(Millsy laughs)

Since when have you two been playing Scrabble?

A few weeks, boss. Sorry I didn't tell you. It's just that I know you don't like the game, so... What?

Love Scrabble. f*ckin'... love Scrabble. Why do you think I don't like Scrabble?

Oh, it's just the comments.

You know, "Are you playing that stupid game again, Millsy?"

"Are you playing that stupid f*cking game again, Millsy?"

"Are you playing that stupid f*cking boring game again, Millsy?"

Yes, yes, all right. Millsy's quite the expert.

He's a man of hidden talents.

Oh, no, I wouldn't say that, Padre.

No, I like it. My dad played it all the time. And I am getting better.

In fact, my online rating is 1,746, which is probably just a few lucky games, and...

I mean thank you.

Just... didn't realise you guys were into it as much as I am.

Oh, really? I just assumed you knew where your men were and what they were up to. No?

I've just had this bloody conversation! I know my men fine.

I know them very, very well, obviously.

Do you? OK. All right, what do you want to know?

What, the fact that Simon cried at the end of w*r Horse?

Well, that is quite a moving film.

It's a f*cking horse, Mary!

(Huge expl*si*n)

Anyway, I was talking about important stuff, like just before this tour, Rocket split up with his girlfriend. What was her name?

Um...

Morag McBorag?

Karen.

What does Mac miss most about Scotland?

Scottish flange?

Mussels? The gym. The cold. He hates the heat.

Well, I'll have some air-con installed above his bunk, shall I?

Next question. What is it, something about Bird's mum's hamster?

How old's Bird's daughter?

Don't worry, Nick, it isn't yours.

Because she hasn't got one!

Er, yeah, very funny. So, are we playing Scrabble, then, or what?

Really, boss? Yeah!

Fun times. Go Scrabble.

When he said he wasnae gonnae share it... he didn't mean it, did he?

He's always shared it before. Exactly.

So all we're doing... is taking our bit... that he would have given us anyway.

Yeah. So...that... is the rest of our third.

And we'll save that bit for the others. Yeah, we'll, er... guard it for the others.

Aye!

Guard it. Good.

It's f*cking grim cheese. It takes like plastic.

Not even nice plastic.

Why don't you like Mac?

He's a nice enough guy.

Well... But he's going to bimble along in the Army for as long as possible, and he's never going to progress, he's never going to get promoted.

So?

You want to get promoted, don't you, be a lance corporal, like me?

Can I be a lance corporal who's no' like you?

Ho-ho, very funny. Is it?

Look, if you want to...

(Creaking)

If you want to get on, you've got to volunteer for stuff, do courses, so people can spot your potential.

I've already applied for the commando training course.

(Laughs)

You're going commando, skip?

Oh... Brilliant!

Well...

Look, once I've done that, I'll be in good shape to take a sh*t at Sandhurst. Aye. Good luck with that.

(Rocket laughs)

You should take a look at these.

You could do close reconnaissance, the sn*per course, mortar operator...

Ah, Mac reckons the courses are full of f*cking try-hards.

Well, I'm not a try-hard, am I?

Trying hard is a good thing...sometimes.

Aye.

We should've tried it toasted.

That... is a f*cking gleaming idea.

If we come up wi' a good recipe, the others'll thank us.

f*ck! f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck. sh*t!

So, um... one, two, three, six, eleven... Hang on, hang on.

What the f*ck is "loamier"?

"Loamier"? "Loam."

Soil. "Loamy."

Like soil.

"Loamier." More like soil.

Can't fault the logic.

Congratulations, Millsy, on knowing tons of words you'll never use except in this stupid f*cking boring game.

Nick? Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Nothing I like more than learning comparative words for soil.

I'm sure they'll come in handy.

"Er, boss, there's an IED over there."

"Oh, really, Millsy?

"And how much more loamy is the soil in which it has been emplaced?

"Can we agree it is loamier?"

I heard about your old CO.

Yeah, it's fine. Really. Were you close?

Yeah, actually.

Trained me.

Best officer I ever met.

I'm here if you want to talk to me. Look, boss... if you're worried you're not as good an officer as him, don't worry.

You're a really good officer. You're one of the best.

The best. Better than the best.

All right, calm down, Millsy.

My go.

"Bang."

(Laughs)

That's appropriate! Yes, it's very good!

(Huge expl*si*n)

What the f*ck?

Oh, f*ck.

CO's office has been hit.

Millsy, stay inside with Mary.

Give me one!

Sir!

Looking for me? Oh, bloody hell, sir!

(Mortar approaching)

Everyone under f*cking cover, now!

Ahhh!

Fancy a coffee, Nick?

Sure.

You want special coffee?

I...very much doubt it.

(Creaking)

You should have a go on this, skip.

Want to look ally for your wedding photos, don't you?

Your missus wants a buff soldier.

Not quite. She wants an officer, really.

Ah, so she's making you apply! Got ya.

No! No. I just think I've got the qualities that they're looking for.

You know, leadership, presence, authority.

Rocket?

Rocket?

He loves those nuts.

I feel weird.

I feel fine.

I feel weird.

I could eat the rest, nae bother.

Ah, I'm not sure that's a good idea. Cheese is not exactly a health food.

That's bollocks. It's pure protein, innit?

Innit?

I don't want to flab up.

The uniform isn't exactly a fantastic fit in the first place.

I do not want to go up a size while I'm out here.

Imagine if I couldn't fit into my bras, hm?

It's not like I could get measured for bigger ones out here, is it?

Mac?

Mac! I'm finding this really confusing.

Stop staring at my tits!

I can't look away.

Anyways, you can work it off on the Birdiciser 4000.

Yeah, well, it's not finished yet.

I need to tighten the holding nuts before anyone goes on it.

(Creaking)

(Crashing, simon screams)

f*ck!

Rocket... Rocket... could you please lift this contraption off me?

Right.

Would have been a bit of bad luck to lose a mentor and a CO in the same week wouldn't it? Yes, sir!

I'm glad you're OK.

Sorry you didn't get to meet Colonel Morris.

Oh, I met KTM.

Yes. Northern Ireland. Really?

Yes, when I was a lieutenant. And?

What's the first rule?

"Don't speak ill of the dead." "Ill"?

You didn't... I mean, I know he could be a bit...

He was a bloody good ATO, though, wasn't he?

Yes, fantastic ATO.

Also a colossal prick.

Wow.

Really not sticking to the first rule there, sir.

What's the second rule?

"Do speak ill of the dead if they were also a colossal prick."

He behaved like a total arsehole to anyone who wasn't in his little bubble.

On one occasion, I'm pretty sure he risked the lives of two of my men and then gave them a dressing-down about it afterwards.

But he's... I mean...

You've always modelled yourself on him?

Well...kind of.

No, you don't.

You model yourself on an idealised version of him, which is better.

You, I hope, have realised that some people need building up a peg or two.

Millsy, for example.

Yeah.

Sure, sir.

Because you, Captain Medhurst, are not a prick, colossal or otherwise.

You're a sh*t, but not a prick.

(expl*si*n)

Thank you, sir...

I think.

I hate myself.

I can't stop eating the cheese.

Relax, Bird.

Mustard's one of your five-a-day.

(Belches)

Ohh!

I'm disgusting.

And that is why men never give me a second look.

Nick did.

What?

You and Nick. In Andover.

Does everyone know about that?

Aye. How?

He told us. f*cking hell!

That was supposed to be a secret! What a sh*t!

Didn't know you fancied him. Everyone fancies Nick.

Mary doesn't. Yeah, she does.

She hides it well. No, she doesn't.

(expl*si*n)

Anyway... he gave you a bit more than a second look, didn't he?

Yeah, and then told everyone about it. No f*cking respect.

What? But you two got it out of the way because he does respect you.

You what? He thinks you're brilliant.

If he didn't give a sh*t about you, right, he'd be pestering you, then he'd shag you then ignore you.

Then shag you again.

Then ignore you again.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Aye.

You're too good for him.

And he knows it.

Cheers, Mac. You know we're going to have to finish the lot, destroy the evidence?

(Belches)

I think I'm gonnae boak.

Have some more cheese!

It settles the stomach.

Jesus!

(Bird belches)

All I'm saying is Nick's job is very stressful.

But I know that he does sometimes take it out on you.

No, I just think... Not intentionally.

So if there is something that's annoying...

Actually, you know what does get me?

Good!

His attitude to this.

Scrabble?

Yeah. I mean like just now.

He was pretending to like it. He doesn't really like it at all.

Yeah. I was getting that. I mean, it's pretty simple - a word's either in the book or it isn't.

Millsy...? Yeah?

Is this really about Scrabble?

Yeah...

OK...

(Clears throat)

So...

(Helicopters approaching)

(Sighs)

Maybe I should just apply for Sandhurst and be done with it.

Do you really think I could do that sn*per course?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Brilliant!

Might just do that.

You know what, skip?

You should be an officer.

Oh! Well... thank you, Rocket!

That's... Cheers.

A careers officer.

You're pure brilliant at encouraging folk.

A careers officer. Aye!

You could sit in one of them recruitment places and talk to the folk when they come in, get them to join the Army!

You'd be good at that.

Thank you. And the one in Edinburgh's only a two-minute walk frae a Greggs! Is it?

Actually...everywhere in Edinburgh's only a two-minute walk frae a Greggs.

(Siren blares)

Right. Good. Come on.

That's the all-clear.

Greggs do brilliant Scotch pies.

f*ck, I'm starving.

I am not moving to Edinburgh for a Greggs Scotch pie!

Aye, well, if you want something posh, there's a Pret A Manager just opposite.

I'll bear that in mind.

Everyone OK?

Yeah, good. You?

Yeah.

Ah...

Better get a new one of those.

You want Portakabin?

A'right? Ahhh!

I'd like to think that you got fragged, but I'm pretty sure you've been on the Birdiciser, hm?

Yeah, Rocket started it.

Yeah, well, he broke it. Yeah?

I'll take a look at it.

Sorry, Bird.

I'll make it up to you in cheese.

Oh, so it was cheese!

That's a...genuine surprise.

But we looked in the fridge, Simon.

It's empty. Someone proffed my cheese!

No respect!

What's this, hm? Nothing!

Courses, aye? Yeah, I'm...

I was thinking I might do that... sn*per course.

Aye.

You should. You're a cr*ck sh*t.

You'd be pure f*cking brilliant. Oh!

Cheers.

Nick, why did you tell everyone you slept with me?

I thought it was meant to be a secret.

Yeah, but, y'know, you're a hottie, I'm a hottie.

We have nothing to be ashamed of.

Cheers, boss.

I'll see you later...hottie.

(He laughs)

Boss? I'm really sorry I didn't tell you about...

You have nothing to be sorry about, Millsy.

You like Scrabble, and that's fine.

Cool.

OK, so we should probably do the kit check now, yeah?

Sure. Who's your favourite turtle, then?

Oh, I like them all, actually.

Oh, make a f*cking decision, Millsy!

Always tricky, losing your hero.

He seems OK, though.

Mm.

I told him Colonel Morris was a prick. What?!

He wasn't, was he?

No.

But it always works.

Is that the first rule?

No!

But it's what Colonel Morris would have done.

He was one of the best.

Carry on, Padre.