01x08 - Series 1, Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

Eh, Rocket... Hm?

Look at that. Goat-on-goat action.

Brilliant!

Rocket, Mac - focus!

Leave doesn't start for...

43 hours.

Stay sharp.

The enemy wants us to be distracted.

Are you saying the Taliban dress up as goats and shag each other?

Now, that's commitment.

Enough! Eyes on.

What's he saying about his goats, Faruq?

He does not want to...

Hang on... You speak Pashto?

Er, since when?

Check it out, everyone - Millsy is learning my language!

Nice one, Millsy. Yeah, well...

I was thinking of learning Pashto too, as it goes.

A woman cannot learn two languages. It is impossible.

I beg your pardon?

And FYI, I already speak French.

Is she making that up?

Very nice, Millsy.

Bumlick.

Bet they goats give you a few ideas for your wedding night, eh, Skip?

Baaaa! No.

A few ideas for the stag do?

Baaa! Baa!

Well, my... Baaa!

My brother's promised me a wild night.

I'm not sure that involves goats, though.

What's he got planned, then? All I know is that I've got to meet him at Southend Pier next Friday night.

Next week? But we're up in Scotland.

Like the wedding, you're not invited.

Oh, shite, Skip - what about morale?

This the stag do? Aye.

It's next week. Southend!

Oh, thanks a bunch, Simon.

We haven't all got a week's leave.

Everything all right with the device, boss? Yeah, piece of piss.

Obviously I'm going to tell Mary it was a nightmare.

She's off on leave as well in a couple of days.

Got to seize the moment, find something to impress her.

Having another go while she's weak, tired, ready to go home.

You make me sound like...

Do you really think she's going to be weak at the moment?

I was joking. So was I.

But you do think she's weak?

I joined the Army so I didn't have to have girly chats, but hey, let's plait each other's hair and stick on Dirty Dancing, shall we?

Knock, knock. Come in. Oh, you have.

So, Nick - what can I do for you?

In my professional capacity, that is.

Just had a tough day, you know.

Uh-huh. A really tough device.

Two switches on the main charge, one was a pressure plate, the other was...

Millsy said it was a nice easy one.

Don't listen to everything that Millsy says.

Millsy, the pathologically truthful one, I should watch out for him!

I think it's my expert assessment that...

Apparently, you said it was "a piece of piss".

No such thing as a straightforward IED, Mary.

They're all different, improvised. That's what the "I" stands for.

What does the "E" stand for? Oh, yeah - expl*sive.

Yeah. And the "D"...

Well, that just stands for device, doesn't matter.

Anyway, I basically totally f*cking nailed it.

Good. Well done, you.

Now, these won't pack themselves... I'm not Mary Poppins.

No!

Was this toucan a present from Will? What?

Did your ex-fiance get it for you when he was posted to Belize?

How could you possibly know...?

A lot of soldiers pick 'em up out there.

Along with an STD.

Well, luckily it was just the toucan.

You split up with him years ago, yet you still have this love token...

Love toucan! ..on your desk.

It's not a love tok... Toucan! What...?!

Just seems an odd way to remember someone who left you over a car.

"Hello.

"I left you over a car.

"You should forget about me."

And move on.

It was a bit more complicated than that.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Why are you still here?

Tell me I'm wrong. Bye.

Bye.

Starting without me? Without...?

Oh, you know... You don't need to bother.

I've got it covered. Wow.

Next, you'll tell me it's impossible for women to speak two languages.

No! I mean...

I guess it would be handy if you could listen to Taliban traffic out in the field. S'pose.

But mainly, I want to show Faruq how much of a d*ck he's being.

I can speak Pashto just as well as you can.

It's not a competition. Correct. It isn't.

Come on, then. OK.

Um, repeat after me.

Ho. Ho.

Yes. Yes.

No... No.

No, no - you don't need to repeat the English bit.

I'm just telling you what it means, understand?

Yes. Ho!

OK...

Na. Na.

No. No?

Yes, no. What?

Look, would you stop messing, please, Bird?

All right.

OK.

Um... Let's do numbers.

OK. All right.

After me...

Yaw. One.

Yaw, one.

Dwah, two. Dwah, two.

Dwah. What, three's the same as two?

No, Bird - I'm correcting your pronunciation.

Dwah. That's what I said. Do you want to learn this properly?

Ho. That means yes.

I knew this was a mistake!

Cos thick chick Bird can't learn the language?

Do you know what, I'm going to my bunk. Or, as they say in French, je suis... going to my bunk.

Je vais a ma chambre.

Oh, tu es un grand d*ck!

You all right, son?

Charlotte's really pissed off about the stag night.

Cos we're no' invited?

No surprises there.

No, knob cheese.

She's found out what we're planning and she is not happy.

She wants to cancel the stripper? We're not having a stripper!

Oh, we... We are having a stripper.

And she's cancelled it.

Is that a list of rules? Kind of.

No strippers, no public nudity, no getting arrested...

That is out of order! That's ridiculous!

I am allowed to play crazy golf, so... that's something. Skip...

I know you usually ignore my advice and usually, you're right to do so.

But you need to tell her you're not putting up with this sort of thing.

Aye. Guys, this is Charlotte.

This is the woman who had 200 invites reprinted cos they were the wrong shade of ivory.

Aye, so you need to be firm wi' her.

If you are, she'll find that more attractive than if you're a p*ssy.

I can't just ring her up... What's the first rule of stag nights?

There are no rules. Yes, sir. Balls, Simon.

I beg your pardon, sir?

Balls. Keep up. Where are your balls? Are they attached, or has your fiancee plucked them from your perineum and placed them in an ice box, in Chelmsford?

We live in Braintree. Simon!

Balls.

You heard him. Balls!

We should do you a proper stag here.

Um... Aye!

Nudity. Strippers!

We'll get the MPs to arrest you!

We could all dress up in the same clothes!

Genius.

We'll take him into the village and tie him naked to a lamppost...

Oh, Mac!

The security concerns alone would mean that we...

We could lock down the area with an infantry platoon first.

Anyway, there's no beer and there's no strippers, means there's...

Boss, get Mary to gie us some of her communion wine.

I don't fancy my chances.

Tell her the last Padre would leave the odd bottle lying, eh?

I'll try, but I think you'll have to ask Faruq for some beer.

You want beer? I get you beer.

My cousin, he makes lentil beer, shall we say 50? It is agreed.

You know the rules.

No alcohol in theatre. What's the first rule?

No rules.

Are you saying we can have alcohol, sir?

Sir!

Sir?!

Faruq...

Do you know how to make really hot curry?

Of course. Goat, chicken, cat...

Ooh, never had cat!

Hello, love. Yeah, I know it's early, sorry.

I just wanted to get you before you went to the gym.

Sorry, it's Thursday... I forgot.

These... These rules that you sent through...

Not acceptable, Charlotte.

Yeah. I'm not going to put up with this sh*t any more.

Yes, I did just say "sh*t".

Yeah. sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t, shitty sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t.

Charlotte?

Hello? Hello?

Oh, sh*t.

Hi, Mary.

Nick Medhurst in the chapel?

What do you want? I've come to confess my sins.

I'm not sure I have that long.

Seriously, I want to apologise for winding you up earlier. It was... uncalled for. It's fine. I know you're tired. Thanks.

Anyway, I don't know how much you knew about your predecessor, but he was very big on morale.

I'm not giving you communion wine.

Well, it's not for me, it's for Simon's stag do.

Thing is, Nick, that wine is for, um...

What was it again?

Oh, yeah! Communion. And yes, the occasional glass for somebody who's had some genuine trauma.

If I was marrying Charlotte, I'd be having genuine trauma.

You know very well it isn't allowed. OK, look - here's a new idea, OK?

So how about we turn the stag night into a sort of communion service, only with a lot more wine, and curry instead of wafers?

For heaven's sake, Nick. Look, I know you don't believe what I believe, but do you have to take the piss the whole time?

Yeah.

Yeah, actually I do.

Because my ridiculously dangerous job means that I don't approach life the same way that you do.

This is one sodding bottle of wine, Mary.

And it's not even for me.

Fine, you think I'm a twat, but don't take that out on a bunch of guys who've made it halfway through a tour without getting sh*t, mortared or blown to pieces by an IED.

Just get a sense of f*cking perspective.

Listen, Faruq, I need your help.

Teach me Pashto.

I will help as much as I can, but... probably a lost cause.

Let's just give it a go, shall we? Not going to let Millsy win.

Win what? Can we start?

OK, OK.

Very useful phrase for you.

Hm... And what does that mean?

Please clean up my room.

And you would say, "Ho!"

Not to you, I wouldn't.

Na!

You're always making the jokes, Corporal Bird.

Very funny!

OK, say this.

That means?

When are you going to clean the windows? Right.

And what's Pashto for, "It's your turn to clean the f*cking windows"?

Ooh! A zinger.

I am just trying to focus on the most useful phrases for women.

Oh...

Please clean up the vomit. You know what, Faruq?

I was right all along. You're a bigger d*ck than Millsy.

Oh, hi, Millsy. You big d*ck.

We've got a shout on. Suspected car b*mb outside a health clinic - now.

You could've said, you d*ck.

And Mac's invented a game called Hunt the Simon.

Genius!

Don't know how he comes up with 'em!

It's gonna be the best stag ever!

I'm... not sure it is. Faruq's curry is going to be awesome!

I'm... not sure it is.

There isn't going to be a stag night anyway. The wedding's off.

Oh, dear. f*ck!

Yes, I took your advice, Mac.

I stood up to her and I said, "This is the way things are going to be," and she said that wasn't the way things are going to be, so that isn't the way things are going to be.

Fair play. I thought she wanted a real man.

Turns out she wanted you.

We can still have a stag night, though, right?

Obviously not.

Right, till I know if there's a device in the car or not, we're treating this as a Cat A, so we need to get a shift on.

Hogg, Millsy, Bird - sitrep, now.

Number one - evacuation of the clinic. In progress, boss.

A dozen people in there, they've got to cut bars out the back window.

They're saying 40 minutes. Oh, good. By which I mean, "Oh, sh*t."

I need to get to that car.

Hogg, how much longer on the search for command wires?

Can I interest you in an hour?

50 minutes, boss? Quite sh*t, but thank you.

How long has the area been secure? 90 minutes.

OK, so it's unlikely it's on a timer.

And I see a fair amount of dickers have chosen to join us for today's antics. Bird, what are your thoughts on RCs?

Low risk, boss. And we can mitigate. OK...

So let's assume that it's victim-operated.

And let's hope by victim, I don't mean me.

Right, let's get this ICP set up, then. Troopie!

Oh, good.

An IED basically... right there.

Handy.

OK, mark and avoid...

Troopie! OK, nobody f*cking move!

Two IEDs. Yay!

So, Hogg - I want you to complete the search, and here and here.

I want to mitigate the possibility of command devices.

We'll deal with them later. I can get to the car as soon as possible.

Bring the vehicle round here, we'll work on the safe side of it.

All OK?

Yes, boss.

OK, cr*ck on.

Right, team - let's start again.

Millsy.

So, staff and patients are out, but there's a woman in labour.

What?

And her midwife. Can't get them out the window.

Oh, Fuckton-on-Thames.

OK, just get her into the back room and make sure she stays there.

I'll radio the platoon sergeant. All right.

Now, the 6 million question...

Er, it's the million-dollar question, boss.

6 million man... Million-dollar question.

What a great time to bring up a guy who was rebuilt after a horrific accident.

Oh, yeah. My question was, is there a device in the car, or is this whole thing just a come-on to get us on top of these two IEDs? Hogg, what's the situation with command wires?

Nothing yet. Ten minutes. Cheers, Sergeant. Thank you, Millsy.

Boss.

You should call Charlotte when you get back.

It's not worth losing the wedding for a stag do.

It's not just the stag do, though, is it, boss? The whole thing...

Yeah, yeah. I know.

Surely it's better to back down than to die alone?

Bloody hell, boss, that's a bit steep.

Tell her you had a near-miss. Stepped very close to a device.

Been thinking about your mortality.

Kiss... make up... and then get back to whatever freaky dominatrix sh*t I'm presuming Charlotte's into.

We're done, boss. Haven't found anything.

Not a sausage. Right, I'm going to put my balls on the table...

Urgh.

I'll bet that I could spend the next two hours searching that car and there's not even a b*mb in it. There isnae a b*mb?

So you could just leap in it and drive off?

Yeah, great idea, Rocket. Why don't you leap in it and drive off?

I cannae drive. Ah.

The only flaw in an otherwise brilliant plan.

Faruq's found an eyewitness. Excellent.

He saw someone park the car three hours ago, climb out and walk away. Three hours ago?

That timeline can't be right...

He said "khirke" - that's "window", isn't it?

Why did he say window? I don't know.

f*cking ask him again, knobchops!

He climbed out of the window and walked away.

So there is a device in the car. I am impressed, Bird. Always thought there was a device in there. Thanks. No, you didn't, you said...

Right, better get down there. Thanks.

Bird. Hm?

I'm sorry about... you know?

Being the shittest teacher ever?

OK, yes, I was a bit of a d*ck, I admit.

That's all right. You weren't the absolute shittest.

Faruq was.

Hey!

Skip!

I was thinking...

Now you're single... and a lance corporal on leave fae Afghan, you could shag your way from John O'Groats to Land's End.

Well...

John O'Groats to...

Inverness.

No. I'm going to call Charlotte and explain the pressure I've been put under by my team members.

It's no' my fault! You told me to stand up to her.

sh*t, aye...

Aye. It is my fault.

Then we can get married like she always wanted...

Like we always wanted.

Stag night... back on!

Gleaming!

Oh, dear.

OK, Millsy - I'm pretty sure the main device is in the boot and I'm fairly sure it's going to be heavily booby-trapped, so...

I think I'm going to go in through the window.

OK, boss.

Be careful. Ah, being careful.

Good plan.

Hello.

OK. He can tow the car.

That is unless Rocket wants to practise his three-point turns?

Nice job, boss. Want the last of the water?

Yes.

f*cking chinstrapped.

Aah.

Seriously...

Thank you, guys. I couldn't have done it without you.

Well... Could have done most of it, just, you know, not all of it.

The baby is born and praise to God, it's a boy!

d*ck.

The new mother is very grateful and she will name her son in our honour.

She's called him Nick?

No. No!

She has named her son Faruq! Oh...

So, are we done? Yep.

Apart from those two other IEDs.

Just give me a minute.

Um, we don't want to lose the light, boss.

Yep.

These things will k*ll me, anyway.

Are you all right, boss?

Nowhere in the world I'd rather be.

Let's cr*ck on.

Stag ni-i-i-ight!

I'll get the kerosene! Whoa, we don't want to overdo this, guys!

I don't want to get hospitalised when we're less than 12 hours away from R&R.

Hey, Nick.

Oh... Hello.

Boss, boss! Come on! We've got to flame-grill 100 poppadoms!

You took so long on that car b*mb, we're way behind on the stag do!

OK, guys, I might need...

Look, will you two leave him alone for one flipping minute, OK?

Can't you see he's too tired?

He needs a rest before your stupid stag night!

He's just defused two IEDs and a car b*mb, and saved the lives of a mother, midwife and a newborn baby.

Aye. We saw.

Well, sorry...

I'm sorry, Nick.

Tell you what, come and find me later and we'll have a little snifter.

Yeah.

OK.

OK.

Do you know what, Bird? Hm?

I think I am finally in there.

At f*cking last.

My cousin called.

He says the lentil curry and beer is doing very nicely.

It's lentil beer, innit?

No' lentil curry.

Oh, yes!

The two are very much separate!

Yes!

Excuse me while I make a call.

Ah! I've had worse.

But only in Dundee!

Is that the booze? Technically.

Be nice if we had some pitta bread to dip in it.

Of course, I am forbidden from drinking alcohol.

Which is a relief, I mean... look at it.

Well, the last Padre would have had some communion wine for times like this, but the new one...

Nah. Not so much.

Well, I'll just put this away, then.

No!

Yes!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you!

Here's to freedom. Hey!

To freedom!

Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oah!

Bloody hell, that is rank!

Wait a minute, wait a minute - what do you mean, freedom?

I was going to tell Charlotte I had a near-miss, get her back, then I thought, "f*ck that!" I don't want to be with someone who makes up rules for my f*cking stag night...

Are you sure about that? If she doesn't want to be with a real man, like me, then she can jog on.

Good decision, Skip. Now, where's that communion wine?

There's communion wine? sh*t, you could've said.

Good. All right.

I'm going to go and find Nick.

I'm king of the world!

Nick, sorry I'm late, I was just...

Hello, you.

Hey, hey, Padre.

Want to try some of this goat curry?

Mm, it's f*cking blinding.

Watch out. I think that may be literally true.

Mm, I might hold off.

Oh. It's just some old trinket I've been meaning to get rid of.

Nah, it's that wee toucan your ex gave you.

Ha-ha! Where's the stag?

Just over there.

Oh... Mm.

God, I love her!

Her hair...

Her hair!

Tiny nose!

♪ And I miss you!

♪ Like the deserts miss the rain. ♪

Karaoke! Brilliant.

Simon, do you want to talk?

Thank f*ck. You take over, Padre.

I should... I should've said sorry.

She was right, she's always right!

I miss her so much!

Wait!

Oh, Skip!

f*ck's sake. What's going on here?

Some sort of stomach bug, I presume?

Let's hope those of you not on R&R tomorrow don't contract this... surprising disease.

Fingers crossed, sir.

Carry on.

Eurgh!

Hey, Faruq.

Boom!

Seriously, guys - I thought this was meant to be a f*cking party?

Come on! Yes, more curry!

I mean beer!

So you really thought I was asleep just then?

Bloody hell, Nick!