01x04 - Young & Pregnant

[bunniefuu]

Caroline, who's ready for this high tea?

I say "high," you say "tea".

High...

Don't.

Sorry, I'm just kind of excited.

This is my first time making a high tea.

I mean, for you! I do this all the time.

I'm a professional.

I hope so, because this has to be flawless.

If I don't lose at least one friend out of jealousy, it will be a complete failure.

(Laughs)

Oh, you're not kidding.

Well, don't worry.

I got it all covered. I made three types of scones...

What about for my friends who don't eat gluten?

Uh, champagne deviled eggs with caviar.

And the ones who eat vegan?

Almond crusted baked eggplant?

And what about the ones who only eat raw?

I'm hoping they don't come.

Excuse me?

Uh, I said...

At your service, ma'am.

(phone dings)

Oh, look at this beautiful creature.

Oh, cute pony.

(Laughs)

It's not a pony. It's a thoroughbred colt sired from Two Kentucky Derby Winners.

Wow, I was sired from an iHop waitress and a car mechanic.

Daddy's trying to win him at auction for Josh.

It's a family tradition to buy the newly engaged man a racehorse as a gift.

Wow, our only family tradition is avoiding eye contact when grandma says something r*cist.

Please don't talk about your life.

It makes me sad.

Well, it's not all sad.

Ooh, I bought a new bra, went up a cup size.

When does that ever happen?

All the time. It happened to my friend Diane.

Though she went up two cup sizes.

And she paid for hers.

And my sister, but of course she's pregnant.

Well, I'm not that.

Oh no!

(Pants)

Go away.

(Theme music plays)

(Knocking)

Oh, thank God you're here.

Do you have the pregnancy test? I'm freaking out.

Okay, just calm down. You can't be pregnant.

You and Josh used protection.

Right?

Abso... maybe.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

Shh!

How could you not use protection?!

I don't know.

We used so much champagne I don't remember.

(Pants) Will you stop talking?

You know I can't pee when I'm nervous.

I have a shy bladder.

Well, I wish you had a shy vag*na, then we wouldn't be in this mess.

(Toilet flushes)

(Water runs)

I heard that.

Did you pee on it?

Yeah.

And a little on my hand.

Okay, we got one minute until we find out the results, which gives you one minute to freak out. Go.

How did this happen?

I mean, I know how it happened, but why did I let it happen?

I mean, I finally got my dream job.

And it was gonna lead to my dream career.

And I was even gonna have my own cookbook called, "Dining With Debt".

Okay, 10 seconds.

And now all of it could be ruined because of one stupid drunken mistake.

I mean, I know I'm being negative, but I'm scared it's gonna be positive.

And time's up.

Do you feel better?

No.

Okay, time to see...

Hey, Josh, hey!

Uh, this is my roommate, Sofia.

Sofia, Josh.

Hey.

Josh, Sofia.

It's nice to meet you.

Sofia's helping me, um, uh, cut the sandwiches into triangles.

Well, we're glad you're here.

We can use all the help we can get.

Yeah.

Gabi told you how important this day is to me?

Yes, she did.

And it's a big day for everyone.

Look, it's really important to Caroline that I make a good impression on her friends.

There's gonna be 13 of them here.

And unlike her, they can be cold and judgy.

Well, just be yourself. I'm sure you'll be fine.

(Laughs) That's the worst idea ever.

Look, I may seem confident and successful on the outside, but on the inside, I'm just a soft, nerdy pile of goo.

Let me bottom-line this for you.

I'm so scared.

What is that?

It's, um...

It's a stirrer.

Boy, you are nervous. You know what you should do?

You should leave immediately and go work off all that anxiety at the gym.

I can't. I have too much to do.

I've got to get my tailor suited...

My suit tailored! (Pants)

Oh my God.

I'm sweating like a barn animal.

(Harsh breathing)

Wow.

Now I see why you slept with him.

He is a babe!

Sofia, we have more important babes to worry about.

I can't look.

No, you have to.

I'm positive...

(Gasps)

That this one's ruined. I got to take another test.

Socks and sandals, Gabi?

You make it too easy.

Yeah, okay.

Gabi!

Insults are a two-way street.

If you don't react, there's no fun in it for me.

(Hums)

Yolanda, you're humming.

Elliot, you're annoying.

See, that's how it works.

You only hum when you have gossip.

What is it? Spill.

Will you chill out?

Maybe I'm just happy?

Happy I got some dirt!

(Laughs)

Gather 'round, sisters.

So I was taking out the trash, you know, like I do.

And underneath a bunch of two-ply scented toilet paper, that only rich people buy, I found a box for a...

Wait for it...

Pregnancy test.

(Both gasps)

Now I only found the box, but I know exactly what's going on.

You do?

Damn right I do.

Caroline's pregnant.

Caroline?

No wonder she's so moody.

And I saw her almost eat ice cream.

And she smelled a piece of cake!

I can't wait to tell Josh!

No, you're not telling him. I'm telling him.

It's my news.

Hey, no, nobody's telling anyone anything.

Except me.

Guys, he's already freaked out about this party.

I mean, why would we add to the stress?

Plus, we don't even know what the results of the test are.

I mean, Caroline might not even know.

You know, a lot of people screw up their first test.

She's got a point. We shouldn't say anything.

Fine, but it sure takes the fun out of digging through the trash.

Hey, guys.

You're gonna be a dad!

Ha!

Damn it!

Wait, let me get this straight.

You guys found a pregnancy test box with no test, and you have no idea what the results are?

It really lacks the "umph" when you say it like that.

I tried to stop her from telling you, but you saw what happened.

I was like Indiana Jones running from that Boulder.

Look, guys, I appreciate your concern, but if Caroline were pregnant, she would tell me.

Then it's settled. Let's not talk about this again.

Caroline, you're positively glowing.

Of course I am. I just had a facial.

A facial for two.

Shh.

Josh, help me pick out something to wear.

I want to look so good that all my friends feel really bad about themselves.

She's gonna be a great mother.

Yeah, about that, Yolanda.

Hmhmm.

Why did you say something?

I told you not to say anything, and then you just told Josh everything!

I couldn't let that gossip silly piglet steal my thunder again.

I mean, when the firemen came to cut out 500-pound Lou out of his apartment, Elliot broke the news.

When Mr. lowenstein became Mrs. lowenstein, Elliot broke the news. It's my turn!

And how come you care so much anyway?

Because... oh God.

It's not actually, completely Caroline's pregnancy test.

Well, whose test is it?

It's kind of completely mine.

What?! Oh, hell no!

Wait, this doesn't come from the night that you and Josh...

Oh, hell no!

So are you pregnant or not?

I don't know, the test kinda got messed up.

How you mess up peeing on a stick?

It's complicated.

Look, Sofia's on her way now with another one, but with everything that's going on, maybe I should just tell Josh now.

Tell him what?

That you might be pregnant, but you don't know.

What's that gonna do but upset the man?

Until you take a new test, you keep your mouth shut.

Yeah, you're right.

Damn, I'm like Fema, the way I'm cleaning up all these disasters.

(Phone rings)

(Clicks)

Hey, daddy.

How's the horse auction going?

(Gasps) We won the colt?

Oh! I'm so excited!

(Gasps) Oh my God.

We're going to be parents.

Well, if he's anything like his father, he's going to be one handsome stud.

(Caroline giggles)

Oh, I can't wait to surprise Josh at the party.

Yeah.

Well, we're in for quite a ride.

(Giggles)

Elliot!

Get over here quick. I need you too.

I need you too.

God, it feels go to say it out loud.

Caroline is pregnant.

I'm gonna be a dad.

Did you tell me before Yolanda?

Yes.

Yay! We're having a baby!

I mean, we didn't plan on having kids so soon, but now that we are, I'm stoked.

I'll teach him how to read and write code.

And I'll get him on the best-dressed toddler's list.

I know all about buying tiny clothes.

Right now, what I need you to do is go out and find the greatest baby gift you can find.

When Caroline surprises me with the big news at the party, I'm gonna surprise her.

You can count on me.

Magic Gay Powers, activate!

Form of an amazing baby gift!

Whoa, sweetie.

You sure you should be drinking?

Uh, yeah.

(Knocking)

Thank God you're here.

Here's your... (Whispers) You know what (normal) To find out if you're...

(Mutters) You know what.

(Whispers) You know what?

Just give her the damn pregnancy test.

She knows?!

Damn right I know.

If you're trying to hide something, don't bury it in the bottom of a trash can under a bunch of tissue and "people" magazines, where anyone can find it.

(Sighs) Now give me that.

This time I'm throwing it away.

Your boss is always getting you in trouble.

(Gasps)

Oh man! I've been having to hold it in for an hour!

I'm sorry it took so long.

When I got to the store, I didn't have enough cash, so I had to go home shake down our couch.

Oh, thank God!

You're not pregnant?

No, it just feels so good to pee.

(Elevator dings)

(Stutters)

What the hell's all this?

Please tell me the German Nanny on "four" left her baby in the elevator again.

You wish.

Josh asked me to get a surprise baby gift for Caroline.

When he texts me, I'm gonna push it into the party and blow her mind.

(Stutters)

But Josh told us to calm down and not to jump to conclusions.

Well, he changed his mind and asked me for help.

"Why?" You ask. Because he likes me more than you.

You can't go in there with this stroller.

Watch me.

Elliot, I'm not playing.

Caroline's not pregnant.

It was Gabi's test.

Hmph, good one.

If you bust in there with this stroller, you're gonna ruin Josh's life forever.

Now give me that.

Like hell I will.

Unlike the windows you clean, I can see right through you.

You just want to wheel in the big surprise and get all the credit.

No, I don't!

Yes, you do!

No, I don't!

Yes, you do!

Oh my goodness!

Oh! Is that a suede onesie? Elliot, oh, you...

Isn't it to die for?

Yes!

They call it a sue-onesie.

(Elevator dings)

No! Saboteur!

This is the longest minute of my life.

I feel like throwing up.

That's not a good sign.

Sofia, I can't be pregnant.

I can't have a baby. I'm still a baby.

It's time.

Do you want me to look?

No, no, I'll do it.

Oh my God!

Are you crying?

Yes!

Happy tears or sad tears?

Happy!

Happy good or happy bad?!

There's no such thing as happy bad.

We're not pregnant!

(Both scream)

(Laughs)

Yay.

What's going on in here?

I haven't heard screams like this since I got waxed.

I'm not pregnant. We can finally relax.

The hell we can. Now I bought you some time, but Elliot is about to burst into this party with a baby carriage for Caroline.

What?! No!

If you don't fix this, you're gonna get screwed for the second time in this house.

You sure you want to tell Josh?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I don't want Caroline to find out in front of all of her friends that I slept with her fiance.

Good point.

We're done with these.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, J...

Guest: Thank you.

Thank you, nice. Oh, more, yay.

Everyone!

I have an announcement to make.

Can you all stop what you're doing?

(Clattering)

Sorry.

As you all know, Josh and I are engaged.

And I just wanted to tell him in front of all of you, how much I love him.

And I hope...

Noreen, I'm talking!

Put down the scone and step away from the table!

As I was saying... (Giggles)

Josh and I are going to be the proud parents of...

A baby!

(Guests coo)

Baby?

And I couldn't be happier.

No, I'm not pregnant.

I'm not pregnant!

Wait, you're not?

No.

But I heard you on the phone and they found the box for your pregnancy test.

(Whispering)

I don't know what you're talking about, but whatever you found is not mine.

Well, then whose is it?

Uh...

That would be mine.

Yours?

Best party ever.

Gabi, what's going on?

Uh, well, since you asked.

Um, I had to take a pregnancy test because I had a thing with this guy.

His name was, uh, Edward.

And he was very tall and mysterious, and, um, pale.

It was amazing, his skin was like almost iridescent in the sun.

Um, that's "Twilight".

No, it's not.

My Edward left me to get back with his girlfriend.

Ugh! Men are such pigs.

Hand me that cupcake.

This one's not. This one's great.

He just, um... he just loves somebody else.

All we had was one magical champagne infused night.

(Coughs)

Woman: Aww.

(Clears throat)

(Coughs) Oh.

Hello!

Yes.

Caroline, my beautiful fiancee Caroline.

What were you saying, baby?

I bought you a frickin' horse.

You bought me a what-now?

I ain't cleaning up after no horse.

A $1,000,000 champion-sired thoroughbred.

You're welcome.

Sweetie, it's amazing.

You obviously don't like it.

I wasn't born yesterday.

I know I look like I was, but I wasn't.

No, I love it.

I do.

I just...

I got kinda stoked about all the baby talk.

But that's just it, Juju.

He is our baby.

I named him Juju Jr.

And you know what?

He's beautiful, just like his mama.

(Guests coo)

He is, isn't he?

To Juju Jr. and the happy couple!

All: To Juju Jr!

Hey.

Hey.

Listen, Josh, I'm really sorry about what happened today.

No, no.

I'm sorry I put you in this predicament.

Yeah.

Are we in a...

I'm not pregnant.

Oh, thank God.

(Heaves sigh) I can breathe.

And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Oh, I know. Yeah.

Hey, Gabi, I hope you realize that I would've done whatever...

Oh, I know.

Yeah.

Good.

Good.

Good.

Good.

We're repeating because this is an awkward situation.

It really is!

It really is.

Still awkward.

Still so awkward.

Seriously, you're okay?

Yeah, oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Are you kidding? We dodged a b*llet.

From Caroline's g*n.

(Chuckles) Whoo!

Yeah, that relief comes in waves.

All right, well, I'm gonna head home for the day.

Yeah, me too.

Josh, you live here.

I live here.

Both: Whoo!

Oh my God.

These Scandinavian Princess Cakes are amazing.

Free food is such a great job perk!

I know, some people get a 401k and I get leftovers.

Do you even know what a 401k is?

Not a clue.

Hmm!

I just thought of something.

Hmm?

What if these leftovers that you keep bringing home are causing you to gain weight in your boobs?

(Gasps) I never thought about that.

Another great job perk.

That perks up my sweater!

(Laughs) Yeah!

Give me another one. I need to catch up.