01x06 - Young & Punchy

[bunniefuu]

Hey!

You know John from my office?

The guy who built his own motorcycle?

Oh, yeah. Is he out of the hospital yet?

No. No.

But his husband is the manager of the Petting Zoo and he offered us a job.

Okay, "A", I have a job. And "B", I'm allergic to goats.

So I'm gonna have to say, "nay-y-y".

Well, "A", that's the sound a horse makes.

And "B", the Petting Zoo is a cool new bar and they need sh*t girls for Saturday nights.

So all we have to do is wear cute outfits and get guys to drink.

Like we do on weekends anyway, but now we'll get paid!

I don't know. It sounds kind of sexist.

I mean, why don't you just throw us back to the '50s where women were stuck in the kitchen slaving away for their men.

(Bell dings)

Ooh, Josh's apple pie is done.

So you're saying you don't want to do it?

No, I told you it's degrading.

Pay is 500 bucks each.

Saturday, you say?

Look at this one.

It's black and huge.

Wow, where would you even put something so big?

Oh. (Chuckles)

I'd make room for that.

Guys, put the bathtub catalog down.

I've already picked out the tub for upstairs and before you ask, no, you may not.

It's a surprise for Caroline, she's gonna be the first one to use it.

Don't worry, Yolanda. You'll be the first one to clean it.

All right, Elliot, what's our game plan for Cooper Finley?

Oh, what's a Cooper Finley?

Is it a car? Can I have one?

'Cause mine's mostly duct tape.

Cooper Finley is a hacker that broke into Josh's new app and forced it offline for two days.

I went offline for two days, but that's because my neighbors changed their wi-fi password.

What are you gonna do to him?

He left me no choice, I'm gonna hire him.

(Gasps)

Oh, yeah, that'll show him.

Force him to work with Elliot every day.

This kid is brilliant.

He's only 23 years old and he created this fuzzy logic data patch that I could develop into software technology to piggyback off other signals creating connections 10 times more stable.

I made you a pie.

I have to act fast. In six months, Yahoo and Facebook will be all over this kid.

So how do I impress a Maverick hacker?

Well, just spitballing here, but I'm thinking white limousine, bottle of bubbly, smooth jazz...

And just as he signs the contract, a single red rose falls from the moonroof.

Yeah, I'm trying to sign him not take him to prom.

If you want my two cents, which is all I have in my bank account, I'm thinking girls, booze...

And?

Oh, that's it. Girls and booze.

Hey, why don't you guys take him to the Petting Zoo?

It's this hot new bar Sofia and I are working on Saturday.

Since when do you work at a bar?

Since I found out parking tickets triple when you don't pay them.

Come, I'll get you guys on the V.I.P. List.

Oh, please.

You think a 23-year-old computer genius is gonna work for you because some half-naked girls shake their boobies in his face?

Saturday, you say?

(Theme music playing)

(Dance music playing)

See? This isn't demeaning.

Here's 50 bucks, keep 'em coming.

(Gasps) More like de-mazing.

Pretty cool place, huh?

It was not easy getting us on the list.

Really? Why?

All you have to do is bypass their firewall, hack their server, and put your name in the employee database.

How'd you do it?

I asked a girl I know.

Hey, Gabi.

Did someone koala my name?

Gabi, this is Cooper. Cooper, Gabi.

She works for me.

Hi.

You have your own sh*t girl?

Wow, you are rich.

And you could be too.

How'd you like to come work for me?

What? Are you offering me a job?

Yeah, he thinks you're highly koala-fied.

(Laughing)

Stop doing that.

You're funny.

Keep doing that.

Who wants some al-koala-hol?

What are you doing in there?

Hey.

Oh, the piggy's on a break.

He went, "wee wee wee" all the way to the bathroom.

So, Coop, are you gonna come work for me, or what?

Normally I'd say I'd never go mainstream and work for a rich, corporate sellout.

But now I'm saying, hell to the yizz-ee.

Yes!

Aw, let's capture this moment.

Oh, sh**t, it's doing that thing again.

Gabs, I told you to take it to the genius bar.

Well, lucky for you, we're in a bar and I'm a genius.

I already tried, there's nothing you can do.

Well, maybe there's nothing you can do, but we both know that your code isn't exactly elegant.

My code is so elegant, it summers in the south of France.

Oh, is that the new vacation spot for sub-standard programming?

All fixed.

(Gasps)

Wow, Josh, look. Cooper fixed my phone and he set my home screen to a koala.

Sub-standard?

That's funny, "Wired" didn't mention that when they did a cover story on me.

Oh, "Wired"...

That cutting-edge magazine that still prints their copies on paper.

Oh!

sh**t.

I am so sorry.

My hand-eye coordination is severely compromised.

But your hand-boob coordination is dead on.

Take it easy, dad.

I'm just trying to help her.

All right, Coop, come on, back off.

No, what's your problem.

Hey, hands off.

Hands off me.

Oh, my God.

Cooper, are you okay?

I'm fine.

How do you feel?

You just hit a smaller guy with glasses.

And anemia.

(Pounding)

(Groans)

I'm so hungover I hear pounding.

Relax, baby, we all hear it.

It's the man working on your tub.

Oh.

Hey, thanks for the iced tea.

It's not for you.

I'm working on the man working on your tub.

(Clears throat)

Hey, Josh, I made you my patented hangover helper.

Ugh, just looking at it makes me sick.

Good, I'm starving.

So in regards to what happened last night, Gabi made these cute "Star Wars" apology treats for Cooper.

Just something for him to Chewbacca on.

All you have to do is sign this card, and we can send it right over.

"May the force and my apology be with you".

I'm not signing this.

He was acting like a douche.

A douchey genius.

Look, I don't care how much money's at stake.

A billion dollars!

Isn't Gabi's honor worth... nothing!

I can't believe Josh.

Throwing a huge business deal over nothing.

I could really use a soak.

Oh, no, you don't.

Josh was very clear, no one is to use this tub until Caroline gets back.

Now let's get out of here before one of us does something stupid.

You first.

No, you.

Cooper, it's Gabi.

Making a house koala. (Giggles)

Hi.

Hi.

How's your chin?

I don't know, I don't have health insurance.

But Web M.D. says I might have lyme disease.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm delivering these marshmallow treats from Josh.

He had me shape them into little R2-D2S to say he's sorry for empire striking you.

(Chuckles) Back.

They look great.

I can't wait to be able to chew them.

Wanna come in?

Sure.

Sorry it's such a mess.

Listen, Josh wants to apologize for that whole fist bump to the face thing and have you over for dinner tonight.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Why, does it sound made up? 'Cause it's not.

Actually, I'm the one that needs to apologize to you.

I remember spilling something and trying to clean it up and touching a part of you.

Yeah, actually two parts.

I'm really sorry.

And I was thinking about it last night.

I wanted to make it up to you, and so I bought you something.

Oh, you didn't have to get me anything.

I got you a domain name.

"Bon Gabetit".

You're gonna need a website when you're a famous chef someday.

Oh, my God, I have always wanted my own dot com.

That's so... wow, nobody has ever done anything like that for me.

Listen, uh, Cooper.

You and I are really not that different.

Well, that's true.

We are both carbon-based life-forms.

(Laughs)

Okay, maybe a little different.

But you know, we're both living our dream.

I wanna be the next Julia Child and, uh... you wanna be the next...

Computer visionary, Jean Bartik.

Yeah, him.

Her.

Her.

The only difference is, I'm already living my dream.

I'm working for this great guy who believes in me and the same guy believes in you too.

So come over for dinner tonight and let him apologize.

'Cause, Cooper, I mean this in the nicest way, but what else you got going on tonight?

Good point.

Yeah.

Oh, look who's finally up.

You must be feeling better.

I can't wait to eat.

I'm actually excited to hold food down.

Good, because we're having company.

We are?

(Doorbell rings)[/i]

Yes, and now would be a great time to tell you that it's Cooper. Don't get mad.

He's here to apologize for what happened the other night and I'm sure you have a lot of questions, but they can all be answered by... Cooper!

Hey, Gabi.

Josh.

I just want to say I think it's very big of you to invite me over here in person to apologize.

Uh, I didn't invite you over here.

Who's hungry?

You're not gonna apologize to me?

Are you out of your mind?

Probably.

Due to the brain damage from when you punched me in the face.

Hey! Hey hey hey.

Everyone's gonna feel a lot better when they eat my delicious nachos!

Ta-da!

Nachos.

This whole thing was a setup?

(Sighs)

Gabi, did you actually think you can trick him into coming over here, not tell me, and that everything would be okay because you made...

Nachos?!

A little bit.

Guys, just apologize, okay?

It's not that hard.

Watch.

Cooper, I'm sorry I tricked you into coming to dinner.

Josh, I'm sorry I dented your hybrid corvette.

You what?!

Let's just stay on track.

Cooper, you got drunk and you touched some stuff.

Josh, you got drunk and you punched some stuff.

Look, Josh, I don't remember what was said, but obviously it was bad enough for you to punch me.

So for that, I'm sorry.

That'll do. Josh?

Apology accepted.

I'm sorry I punched the glasses off your face.

Good enough.

Okay, now for the good part... nachos.

So, Josh, I was wondering is that job offer still on the table?

Well...

My gut told me to hire you in the first place and I always go with it, so the offer stands.

Really?

Yeah.

Yes!

Oh, my God. My nachos are magic.

Thanks for going with your gut, man.

Hey, man, you gotta listen to it. It will never steer you wrong.

Well, I'm gonna take your advice on that one, boss.

Gabi, will you go out with me?

(Scoffs)

Wow, uh...

Cooper, you're super cute and sweet, but I'm kind of on the spot here.

(Chuckles)

Let me help everybody out here.

I know Gabi, and I think what she's trying to say is no.

Yes.

What?

What?

Would you mind taking those nachos on the terrace, just for a minute?

Sure.

Okay.

Why did you say I couldn't go out with him?

I'm about to get in bed with him on a business deal.

If you actually get into bed with him, this could be a disaster.

Why are you being so negative?

Because I remember this one time when someone in this apartment slept with someone she worked with in this apartment, and it was super awkward and it was us.

Josh, that was so last month.

Okay, what we had was totally diff...

(knocking)

Can I get something to drink?

Absolutely.

It's just a first date, okay?

He's kinda cute and kinda funny and I kinda wanna say yes.

Well, I'm kinda putting my foot down.

Okay, I think you are being a little un...

Here you go.

Reasonable about this.

The answer is no.

Fine.

I mean not fine.

But you're my boss and I have to respect that.

So I will not go out with him.

Thank you.

Guys?

Really cold out here.

Who made up this rule that you can't date anybody you work with?

Uh, thousands of companies all across the country.

And how do you even know you like Cooper?

You just met him.

I know, it's so weird.

He was just this computer guy, but then all of a sudden he was sweet and thoughtful and he bought me a domain. And now I have this little feeling on the inside.

Well, let me crush it for you.

One hundred percent of your relationships have failed.

I know, and I just wanted a chance to let this one fail too.

Okay, you clearly need to get this out of your system.

So...

I got it.

Go on a date with him and instead of, like, being all fake and charming like most couples are at the beginning, tell each other all your worst qualities.

(Gasps)

Nothing kills a relationship like honesty.

Oh, my God, that's brilliant.

Once he gets to know the real me, he'll just go running for the hills.

Just like all the others.

Nailed it.

Okay, so we're here tonight to get to know each other and find out that we do not like each other.

Okay, I understand quantum physics, but this is confusing.

What if we do like each other?

Oh, we won't.

But on the off chance that we do.

We'll deal with it later.

So let's get this train wreck started.

I will tell you something about myself that you're gonna hate.

Go for it.

Um, okay, I talk a lot.

I don't know, it's sort of a nervous habit.

I've kind of done it since I was a little girl.

I just kind of go on and on and on...

No, I get it.

But I have to say I think it's really cute.

No, no, you're not supposed to like it.

Okay, well how about I tell you something horrible about me?

Okay, bring it.

I can't remember the last time I washed these jeans. May never have.

I lick the powder off donuts and put them back in the box.

I have a suit of armor.

I have a fake Facebook account where I'm a cat.

I think there's a sixty percent chance that we're living in the matrix.

(Chuckles)

Damn it, this is going really great.

Um, okay, I gotta think of something horrible.

Oh, ooh, yay!

I'm so irresponsible, I forgot to pay my electric bill.

Can I tell you something?

Only if it's bad.

It is.

Now that I know all of these horrible things about you, I like you even more.

Crap.

Why are you reading the owner's manual for the new tub?

So I know how to clean...

A combination of 14 pulsating, rotating and directional adjustable jets.

Keep walking, nothing to see here.

Mm-hmm.

(Doorbell rings)

Hey, Coop, thanks for coming by.

Sure.

I'm just about to go on my morning run.

But I'll go get your contract for you.

This is exciting.

Wait wait, how... how long you running for today?

Today I'm gonna try for 10 miles.

H-h-how... what's that in minutes?

Oh, about 90 minutes.

Damn, that's im... that's impressive.

Hey, Cooper, we should probably talk...

I know.

About something.

Look, I really don't think it's a good idea for us to go out.

Oh, thank God. I totally agree.

What? I thought you liked me.

Like you?

I hacked into the power company last night and paid your electric bill.

Yay.

But this job is a huge opportunity and I just don't want to blow it.

(Sighs) I get it, absolutely.

It's the right thing to do.

Yeah.

Friends?

Friends.

Josh: Big mistake!

I totally forgot your contract in my car.

I'll go get it for you.

(Door opens, shuts)

It's approximately a two-minute elevator ride from the penthouse to the garage.

Why are you telling me this?

Oh.

Elliot: Josh, where are you?

Come on.

Josh?

Yolanda, are you getting in that tub?

Josh, what are you doing in your bathroom?

What are you doing in my bathroom?

There is a real good reason why I'm in here.

I was...

About to clean it for Caroline.

Why do you think it's filled with scrubbing bubbles?

So why are you in a robe?

In case I fall in.

Think.

Well, I need you downstairs.

Okay, fine.

I'll be down in 45.

Josh: Now!

(Sighs)

Okay, this is getting too complicated.

There's only one thing that we can do.

To keep dating and not tell Josh?

You are a genius.

Okay, Josh, have a safe trip.

I'm leaving now.

Bye-bye.

And hello.

Hey, Josh. Have a good flight.

I'm leaving now.

Night-night.

Bathtub app, here we go.

Music... on.

Mood lighting... on.

Water... hot. Hot, hot!

(Soft music playing)

(Both screaming)

Yolanda, what are you doing here?!

What do you think I'm doing?!

Well, you have to get out.

Hell no.

I was here first, you get out.

Well, I'm not moving.

Neither am I.

Are these vanilla bath salts?

Vanilla peach.

Is that champagne?

To never telling anyone about this.

Cheers to that.

Turn on the jets.