01x09 - Young & Getting Played

[bunniefuu]

Good morning wonderful people!

You're in a good mood, so did somebody get their pulsating showerhead fixed?

I'll answer that when you go through puberty.

Uh, I happen to be in a good mood because my son Derrick is home from law school for the summer.

Now, I don't play favorites with my children...

But Derrick's my favorite.

So, how is he? Last time I spoke with him, him and his girlfriend Cheryl were getting pretty serious.

Well, now it's seriously over.

She was all wrong for him.

And I was not shy about my feelings.

Aww man, poor Cheryl.

I would not want to get on your bad side because you are just...

The best person ever!

Well, forget about poor Cheryl, what about poor Derrick?

I mean, the boy's a mess.

Ugh. This is exactly why I'm never in relationships.

And San Francisco thanks you.

Well, I am going to help him get over her.

I stocked the fridge, upgraded the cable, and bought a tandem bike.

Wow.

You know exactly what a broken-hearted 24-year-old guy needs.

Tandem bike riding with his mother.

Look, Derrick's on the rebound.

What he needs is a new girl.

He already has a girl: His mama.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I should hook Derrick up with someone.

But where am I going to find someone good enough for my son?

I mean, come on. Someone who's smart...

Sweet.

I mean, totally together.

I know, Gabi?

Yes?

Is Sofia seeing anyone?

Josh! There's been a horrible disaster, I need you!

What's wrong? You're shaking.

A pipe burst in my townhouse and all my clothes are wet.

(Panting)

Juju, can I stay here until they fix everything?

It should only take a week.

Of course.

It'll be like a sneak peek of when we're married.

Maybe you'll get a little sneak peek tonight?

Living with you is already awesome.

How great is this, right guys?

Super fun.

Fantastic.

Can't wait.

(Theme music playing)

(Bike bell rings)

Hi.

Oh, you're looking nice for your date.

I'm already getting cozy with mine, Señor Kettle Corn.

Oh.

Oh, someone's already getting to second base.

(Knocking)

Oh, my god, that's him.

I'm so excited.

There's nothing sexier than a lawyer.

Ooh, except a lawyer with flowers.

I do not object.

Sofia?

Guilty as charged.

Come on in, Derrick.

Hi, I'm the girl your mother didn't think was good enough for you.

Oh, Gabi?

It's funny, you don't look like a train wreck.

Sofia, I was thinking maybe we could, uh...

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

Wow, that's the fastest I've ever been dumped.

Look, it's not you, it's just the girl I'm in love with just broke up with me.

Sofia and Gabi: Aww You should sue her.

Do you wanna talk about it?

Not really.

It's just, she couldn't see a future with us 'cause my mom didn't like her.

Why, what was wrong with her?

Nothing, she was perfect.

She was top of her class in law school, and she's an academic fellow for the united nations.

Wow, so she's good enough for the entire world, but not Yolanda.

But Derrick, Cheryl sounds like the one.

I mean, you don't just meet somebody like that.

I mean... I had that with my last boyfriend, Cooper.

We had this amazing connection until, you know...

He dumped me and moved to China.

But, you know, the point is if you love somebody...

I do! And she's perfect for me, but my mom refuses to see that.

Well then, you gotta make her.

How?

I don't know, why don't you...

Date somebody who's not perfect for you, somebody that Yolanda hates so much that she'll be begging Cheryl to come back.

Uh, fine. I'll do it.

Not you, Yolanda likes you.

You're sweet and smart and totally together.

I mean, why do you think she tried to set Derrick up with you and not me?

Oh, my damn.

Oh, I would be the most perfect horrible girlfriend for you.

No mother ever approves of me.

(Doorbell rings)

Hey, mom.

Oh, hey.

Hey baby, how was your date?

Great, you were so right.

Oh, mama's always right.

She's funny, she's smart, she's amazing!

Oh, good morning, Yolanda.

Hey, baby pie.

(Stammering)

Uh, "baby pie?" Who you callin' "baby pie?"

Ooh, this is going to be delicious. Tinder can wait.

Yolanda, you have an amazing son, and we had an amazing time last night.

(Stuttering) No no no no no no. No, no, oh, no, no, no.

I set you up with Sofia. Stable, grounded, Sofia!

I mean, Gabi, I love you, but...

You're not exactly future wife of the second black President of the United States material.

I think that a, uh, first lady with bad credit and a few misdemeanors is relatable.

Here come the anger sweats.

I'm a go in that laundry room, and I'm gon' get on my knees and pray!

That that Tequila I hid in the cabinet is still there.

She's freaking out, she totally believes we're a couple.

You think she's ready to call Cheryl?

Patience, okay?

This plan is going to work perfectly.

Soon, you'll be back with your girl?

And I'll be alone on the couch, and all will be right with the world.

I've got news!

Big news. So big that...

Not now Elliot, I have enough problems with Derrick.

What would it be worth to you if I had some information about Derrick?

And by "Derrick," I mean Derrick and Gabi. And by "Derrick and Gabi," I mean...

Do my laundry for a week and I'll tell you.

Well that shouldn't be too hard, I used to wash my Barbie and Ken's clothes.

Spit it out!

Girl...

Derrick and Gabi are playing you like a fiddle.

A big, 'ol, antique fiddle.

What you talking about?

They're pretending to be a couple you'll hate so much, that you'll beg Cheryl to come back.

Son of a b!

Anyway...

Tumble dry on low, easy on the starch, and when it comes to detergents...

I like Summer Meadow.

I'm a teach those two a lesson they will never forget.

You don't play a player.

I don't get it.

My mom freaks out about us being a couple, and then invites us to dinner? It doesn't make sense.

Well, I guess she thought that, you know, yelling didn't work, so she's gonna try and reason with us.

But guess what? Reason and this girl do not mix.

Look, I mean, doing that for a couple of minutes was one thing, but I don't think I can lie to my mom for an entire dinner.

She's a badass.

Well, I am a badder-asser.

And I am gonna be the worst girlfriend that you have ever had. So let's rehearse.

Sofia, will you be Yolanda, please?

(In a sassy voice) Oh, I could be Yolanda all night long.

Is that offensive? Because if I cross the line, just let me know.

You're cool.

You're damn right, I am.

Okay, "Yo-fia," give us what you got.

(As Yolanda) Now, Derrick, what do you see in Gabi?

She can't pay her rent. She didn't go to college.

That girl is an emotional tilt-a-whirl.

Sofia... That was an awesome impression. Good job.

Thank you, baby.

Now, Derrick, I am telling you that girl is not right for you, and what makes you think you know better than your mama!

(Stuttering) I don't.

I'll break up with her.

Derrick, what was that?

You lost in ten seconds. You gotta toughen up, okay?

Do you want Cheryl back or not?

Yeah.

Okay, then get it together, man!

Less wimp, more pimp.

Don't you use that tone with my son.

Look, she just wants me to be happy and you should too, you're my mom, damn it!

(Both gasp) Ahh, Derrick, all right.

You do that tonight, and Yolanda will be on the phone with Cheryl before desert.

(As Yolanda) Yes I will.

Now give me a hug.

Not you, blondie.

Mama needs some sugar.

Hey.

Baby, (stammering) What is all this?

Well, it was touch and go but...

We were able to save half my clothes.

This... this is half of your clothes.

Yolanda's definitely gonna ask for a raise.

Uh...

Don't you think maybe we should get rid of some of this stuff?

No! I'd feel naked without it.

Hey! Oh, speaking of naked, do you wanna do that?

(Giggles)

Oh, Juju, not on Calvin Klein.

Um, how about that chair?

No, no, no, no.

Not on Michael Kors.

Not on Michael Kors.

That trunk looks good.

Not on Valentino.

You know what, babe? Forget it.

I can't have sex in front of all these people.

Watch it, Calvin.

Before we go out to eat, I would just like to make a toast to Josh for the use of his very romantic terrace.

And to my boo, my boo's mom, and my "boo-ooze!"

I love to get my drink on.

You know what else I love?

Derrick, for just being the most generous person ever.

Oh, I mean, come on, babe, what was I supposed to do?

You needed a thousand dollars.

A thousand dollars?

Oh, yeah, I just got a cash advance on my credit card.

Like Gabi told me.

Mm-hmm.

But don't worry, I already found a way to pay him back.

Super lotto!

And, I just found out my lucky numbers from my astrologist so we're good.

Okay, okay, okay.

Now I need to say something. I see that you two have taken quite liking to each other.

But I can't hold my tongue any longer, Gabi.

Here it comes.

Welcome to the family!

I couldn't be happier.

Gabi and Derrick: What?

You know what?

Forget this cheap wine.

I'm gonna go pop some of Josh's expensive stuff so we can have a real toast.

Ooh, I'm so excited!

Ebony and Ivory.

She likes us together? What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

I'm coming off too well, I'm too adorable.

Hey.

Not so adorable.

I know a little secret.

And it's good.

Hey, Elliot, listen, we're kind of in the middle of something with Yolanda here.

What would it be worth to you if I had some information about Yolanda?

And by "Yolanda," I mean Yolanda and you two.

And by "Yolanda and you two," I mean...

Cook me gourmet meals for a week and I'll tell you.

Just tell me.

And by "just tell me," I mean just tell me!

Girl, Yolanda is playing you like a fiddle.

A poor, blonde, annoying fiddle.

What's he talking about? She knows that you two are faking being a couple.

What? How'd she find that out?

I have no idea.

What's more important is that I love bolognese and duck confit.

She's coming.

I must away.

Don't be shy with the butter.

Ahh, here comes the champagne.

Aww... ooh!

Champagne!

Oh, that would be a perfect name for your first child.

Okay, Yolanda, you can quit the charade.

Hm? Say what now?

We get it, you win.

You know that we're not a couple.

Ha! You're damn right I know.

I'm not a pair of dice.

Don't try to play me.

I got to give it to you, mom, you were right.

The whole thing was a ruse...

Mmm, I know, baby.

In the beginning.

But then, I spent so much time with Gabi, my feelings became real.

It's over! Gotcha!

I'm serious, Gabi. You're smart, you're funny, you're beautiful...

(Laughs nervously) What?

Look, I didn't mean for this to happen.

Uh, mean for what to happen? What's happening?

Well, this whole thing started because of Cheryl.

When I'm with you, I don't even think about her.

I don't know how to say this, but...

Uh, then don't.

You spent so much time trying to help me find true love, you actually did.

(Gasps)

Oh, my damn.

(Stammering) Okay, my heart is racing. Here come the anger sweats.

I'm a go in Josh's office and I'm gonna get on my knees and I'm gonna pray.

That that bourbon I hid in the shredder is still there.

Dude! That was awesome!

What a performance, you even had me fooled for a second.

It wasn't a performance.

I meant it.

Oh, my damn.

(Whispering) Sofia.

Sofia.

(Louder) Sofia!

Oh, my god!

Whoa, it's me, it's me, it's me, it's me!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Um, I, uh...

Listen, I, uh, I really messed up.

Oh, what a shocking turn of events.

Listen, while I was trying to be the worst girlfriend ever, charm and sexiness just kept oozing out of me.

And then Derrick fell in love with me.

With me! With me!

I mean, what is this power I have over men, I'm like "man cr*ck."

What am I going to do?

Okay, calm down.

I have a plan.

Okay, all right, what is it?

But it's big, and you've never done this before.

Okay, good, I like it already. Give it to me!

When you go to work in the morning, Uh-huh.

Gather everybody together.

Uh-huh.

And you tell them...

You ready?

Yeah.

The truth!

And?

There's no "and."

No more plans, okay?

You tell Derrick that he's a great guy, but you don't like him in that way, and then you apologize to Yolanda for breaking her son's heart, again.

And then just stop getting involved in other people's lives.

But if I don't get involved in other people's lives I'll have to focus on my own and that's not fun.

Josh, why are you here eating alone?

Why are you here drinking alone?

Both: What's wrong?

I think my future wife is a hoarder.

Oh, baby, I'm sure she's had her share of men, but I wouldn't call her a...

Hoarder!

"Der."

Oh, my bad, sorry.

What's going on with you?

It's Gabi. She tried to play me by pretending she was Derrick's new girlfriend and then she made him fall in love with her.

She's all wrong for him.

What's the matter with that girl?

Yolanda...

I'm gonna say something that I've never said before.

I don't think Gabi's the problem.

Excuse me?

I didn't hear "Gabi was wrong" or "crazy white girl" anywhere in that sentence.

I've never heard you say one nice thing about any of Derrick's girlfriends.

What's wrong with a mother wanting the perfect girl for her son?

He found her.

Cheryl.

But no...

(Chuckles)

I think you and Caroline have the same issue.

You can't let go.

Is that what you think?

I'm holding on too tight?

What do you think?

I think if I let him go, I'm not going to be the main woman in his life anymore.

And he's gonna run off into the sunset with some new girl on that tandem bike.

Come here.

He's not going anywhere.

Aww...

You pay all of his bills.

Caroline.

I think I figured out what your problem is.

Oh, which one?

The one that's making my bedroom look like a Barney's warehouse sale.

Oh, Juju, I wouldn't know, I've never been to a sale.

I think...

You're afraid of letting go.

Really?

No.

You always told me that when you were a kid, your parents travelled all the time.

Even your nannies changed all the time.

I was thinking...

The only constant you had was your stuff.

Well, I never thought of it like that.

You might be right.

These designers are like the only family I've ever had.

Not anymore.

Aww, Juju.

Hey, look at that.

You let go, now there's room for me.

You know which outfit I want to let go of first?

Huh?

This one.

Gabi?

Oh, Derrick.

Derrick, Derrick, Derrick, we need to talk.

Yeah, actually I wanted to talk to...

No, no, shh. Me first.

Come on, let's go somewhere private.

Derrick...

Love is funny sometimes.

It, uh, it creeps up on you when you least expect it.

You can't control it. You can't predict it.

And you can't force it.

What I'm trying to say is...

Gabi, I'm not in love with you.

I just wanted my mom to think I was.

Oh, yeah, rejection is hard.

No, it's not that.

It's just when your plan failed I had to think of something else.

I was desperate.

Okay, okay.

Let's say that I believe that you came up with this new plan.

That was better than mine.

I mean, why didn't you tell me?

Plausible deniability.

(Faintly) Oh, plausible deniability...

You know, Derrick, uh, you talk real fancy, and it all seems, uh, very believable.

But at the end of the day, you know, what did your big plan get you?

(Doorbell rings)

Cheryl, thank you so much for coming by.

Thanks for calling, Yolanda.

I do not know what changed your mind about me, but I am not going to question it.

Smart girl. Now get ready because he's gonna be so surprised when he sees you!

Put on a little lipstick.

Cheryl!

What are you doing here?

Your mom called me. I've missed you so much.

Thanks mom. You're the best.

I just wanted to see you smile again, baby.

I paid a lot for those teeth.

So, are you okay with me calling Cheryl?

Are you kidding? Yeah. Are you okay that I manipulated you into calling Cheryl?

I had to. It's true love.

Oh, I know.

But it doesn't mean that I don't love you.

I would be lucky to have someone like you in my family.

You already do.

I just have, um... I have one question.

At dinner, how did you know that Derrick and I were faking it?

I have a better question.

How did you know that I knew that you were faking it?

Both: Elliot!

Okay.

We can work this out.

You, don't have to do my undies.

And you...

Just the duck confit and we'll call it a day.

So we all good?

(Shouts)

Please, just do it for me one more time.

No.

Please, Sofia, please?

Fine. (Clears throat)

(As Yolanda) Oh, hell no!

What did you mess up this time, Gabi?

You are a roller coaster without the brakes.

Sofia...

Uh-uh, I'm Yolanda, queen of the place!

Umm, Yolanda's here.

You're damn skippy, I am.

Yolanda's in the hiz-ouse!

Sofia!

What?

Oh, my damn.

Pretty good impression. You got the voice...

But do you have the moves?

You bet I do.

Get moving! Come on!