04x09 - We're Going to Build a Mothership and Rule the Universe

[bunniefuu]

Now that we're off the sh*t list, we back to big balling, baby.

Previously on House of Lies...

Some sons finding out that their father had untreatable cancer might be inclined to drop everything.

After I told you that I am carrying your baby, I kind of can't believe that you have no reaction.

This is my reaction.

Mark, simply stated, Ellis Hightower is a predator.

Predator. She is scary.

Right?

Jeannie: And we have just given her controlling interest in our company.

Holy sh*t. Blowtorch.

Ellis: f*ck this!

Marty: Ell-Jeezy!

The same mega-c**t trashing my company all over cable news just happens to dump a load of cash into Kaan and Associates?

It's nice when dreams work out, huh?

Yeah. You wanted me to own you... and now I do.

♪ Think I'm all right ♪
♪ I think it's not a good day to die today ♪
♪ You know I feel like flyin' ♪
♪ I'm holding up my hand, let me see your face, yeah... ♪

All right, nice run.

All right, Dad, look.

This next trick, it's called a disaster.

"A disaster"?

That's really a messed-up name for something that you could actually die doing.

Thus the name.

(short laugh)

All right, let's see it.

(sighs)

Disaster... averted! (chuckling)

Uh, yeah! Economic health restored.

At least for the moment.

But thanks to a shitload of hard work-- and an endowment from my billionaire f*ck buddy--

K and A is not only back on its feet, but poised to go wilding through the consulting landscape on an acquisition bender, scooping up all the little companies in its path-- one from here, one from there-- leaving a swath of broken hearts and dreams in its wake as we disembowel our foes and fill our coffers.

Aw, man, I got to say today is a good day.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho. (clapping)

(whistles)

Sweet disaster. Now, come on.

I got to get you to school before...

Come on, Dad. T-Ten more minutes.

Five, Ro. I need you to get to school on time.

Unless you want to just quit school and train for the X Games.

Jeannie!

Hey. Hi.

(Roscoe laughs)

Can you please talk some sense into my dad tonight at dinner about, I mean, not tearing this thing down.

I will try.

Hold on. Wait, wait.

At-at dinner?

Grandpa didn't tell you? I thought you...

Um, Jeremiah called me yesterday.

Oh. You and Pops are pals now?

I... Well, he invited me to dinner.

What's the occasion?

You know... just family dinner.

I think Uncle Malcolm's coming, too.

Great! Broke-ass Tavis Smiley.

Family dinner.

It should be fun. (laughs)

You know what else sounds like fun?

School.

You got to go.

So, do you know if it's a boy or girl?

It's, um... it's a girl.

It's a girl. Cool.

When is she gonna get to come over?

Hey! Ring, ring, ring, ring!

Well...

I hear school bells.

Bye.

Bye.

I'll see you tonight.

Yeah, we'll pick it up later at our cozy little family dinner.

Are... you f*cking serious?

This is... Marty!

(snaps fingers) Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty!

Jeannie, Jeannie, come. Come, come, come, come.

Jeannie, please, come see this, please.

(quietly): But also be very quiet.

(gasps)

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, wait.

What...?

Don't! I shouldn't.

I'm going to!

Don't... don't do that.

(laughter)

Shh.

Gentle, gentle, gentle. Be very gentle.

Let him sleep. Be gentle.

Hello, Kitty.

Oh, my God.

sh*t! What time is it?

Oh, no. God. sh*t.

Oh, my God, you know, No, no, no. Oh, no.

I would've overslept, too, if I had some comfy, snuggly manjamas like those!

Why, oh, why are you wearing that, Douglas?

Is this, like, a plushy thing where you and other Cookie Monster fans throw your keys in a bowl?

Yeah, you going for that?

It's not entirely sexual. Come on, grow up.

Look, I-I knew I'd be working late on the Zobel presentation, so I thought I'd slip into something more comfortable.

What's wrong with that?

So many f*cking things.

But your dedication is duly noted.

Yes! Thank you, Marty. I appreciate that.

Well, I thought that someone had to roll out the red carpet for, uh, Ron Zobel and his team.

Why don't we go pick up some S'muffins, too?

Doug: Not a bad idea. I mean, I'm excited to meet him.

You know, the genius turnaround artist hand-picked by Denna.

Couple pastries might not go astray.

Kiddies, he's been brought in here to aid in our getting huge.

Don't worry about it.

You may want to change though, p*ssy.

Well, yeah, obviously, I mean...

You're such a sweet, sweet p*ssy, Doug.

You're a sweet baby. (laughs)

Why am I a p*ssy?

(Marty meows)

I don't know. Who knows?

Have you seen these keys?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

(elevator bell dings)

Ho.

(laughs)

(laughs) Ron Zobel.

Ron Zobel. What a pleasure.

Wow, you must be the great Martin Kaan, huh?

Ah. You can call me Marty.

Eh, Martin sounds stronger.

Let's do that.

Denna speaks the world of you by the way.

Nice work to be hitting that boss lady, huh? Ooh.

(chuckles) Okay.

Okay. Yeah.

And, uh, who...?

No, no. They're with me.

Best not to mix with them, you know?

Keeps them data pure.

Date pure, data strong.

Know what I mean, Martin?

Okay.

So, what is going on here?

All right, what we's got going on here then?

Yeah, I'm feeling...

I don't know. I'm feeling...

I got a feeling of deadness.

Yeah, lack of commerce.

I got the sixth sense-- I see dead business.

Well, uh, we are going through a rebuilding process...

Okay, Martin, I'm just gonna stop you right there.

Okay?

So, you're saying, you know, (gibberish) bullshit, bullshit, rebuilding.

Okay? But what I hear, what Ron Zobel is hearing, is "I'm defending my old ways, which have only taken me so far." Am I right?

Well, of course, I'm right...

You're always f*cking right.

I'm always f*cking right! Thank you. Oh!

Specfuckintacular.

You and me, we're gonna... we're gonna...

Huh?

Yeah.

What?

Huh?

Do you he...?

I'm hearing a, you know, like a...

I hear a sound. I'm hearing a...

Is it, I don't know, an AC unit or...?

No, no, no, no. So-something else.

It's like a...

I mean, it's like a... shh-boof!

Shh-boof, shh-boof sound.

It's like a...

Holy sh*t!

(quietly): f*ckin'.

It's coming all the way from Fort Worth, Texas, man.

It's the sound of one of those big ol' high-speed rotary presses from the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, and it is printing money.

Okay?

Okay.

Crisp hundred dollar bills for us.

I see what you're doing.

Oh, I hear it.

Do you hear it? (laughs)

I don't mean hear it, do you hear it?

Say it-- "I hear it."

Well, I don't actually hear it.

Oh, no, but do you hear it?

Do you hear it?

Say it-- "I hear it."

Say it-- "I hear it."

"I hear it." Say it.

Say it-- "I hear it."

I'm good, Ron.

Say it-- "I hear it."

"I hear it." Say it.

I hear it.

(laughs, grunting)

Yeah.

Marty: So, as you can see with our outreach strategy, uh, K and A's profit margins are just gonna blast through the f*cking...

Ron? Ron?

Hey. (snaps his fingers)

It's all happening up here, buddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pr... profit margins.

I'm listening. Go on.

Jeannie: Uh, well, our data lake illuminates how K and A is poised for an aggressive second wave.

Clyde: By acquiring companies we targeted that specialize in emerging technologies and manufacturing.

Are you playing a f*cking game on your phone? (laughs)

You know, I'm multitasking, okay?

I mean, we-we-we'll have a corner on the marketplace.

Right, yeah, so if you just take a look at the competitive landscape metrics, you'll see that we have a baseline in place to oversee the dev cycles on the other boutique shops.

So, uh, what?

So, that's your big plan to get huge?

Uh...

Yeah, that's the big plan, Ron.

We are going to build a mothership and rule the f*cking universe.

Well, if you had the ability to do that, then I wouldn't be here.

(Marty and Clyde chuckling)

$22 million investment-- boom!

That's called infrastructure, then we...

But if you have any suggestions as to how to enhance our buyout strategy, we'd love to...

Well, let me stop...

You know what? Let me stop you right there.

Um, because I really think it's a bit premature to begin implementing strategy.

Really? (chuckles)

Because that's the expressed purpose of this meeting.

Strategy meeting.

Strategy.

Yeah, strategy meeting, I think.

Yeah, that's why I stayed up all night doing the strategy.

Well, you know what?

Um...

This is really great.

A lot of great stuff.

Uh, awesome.

And we'll take it under advisement.

Oh, great, you're gonna take it under advisement.

We're gonna first need to excavate the quantitative architecture of your firm to gain a better understanding of what growth strategy is best.

You got to look under the hood.

Right, Janine?

(phone ringing) Okay, so let's just clear this whole space out.

Oh, my gosh.

And, uh, my team will set up a w*r room.

Hey, talk to me, sexy.

How's that first day working out for you?

Oh, it's great, Janine.

(chuckles) How's yours?

Just wondering what they're deciding about our future.

Well, they're not deciding sh*t without us, so I wouldn't worry about it.

Their commanding officer owns 60% of K and A, Marty.

Denna can technically do whatever the f*ck she wants.

I was just under the assumption that you two had an understanding about the roll that she would play.

Yeah, we do.

Okay, so nip it in the bud, Marty.

Call your girlfriend, set her straight.

Jeannie, Denna grubstaked K and A as an investment, not a favor.

I don't need to check in with Mommy on how to run my company.

Our company.

Hey, about dinner tonight, don't worry about it.

What does that mean?

I'm gonna call Jeremiah and tell him I can't come.

Jeannie.

I have so much other sh*t to do, anyway, Marty.

You-you cannot. Hey, look, you can't, okay?

They'd f*cking blame me.

Okay.

(phone ringing, indistinct conversations)

How much f*cking longer do you think they're gonna take snooping around all our sh*t?

Is this what it's like when we come in?

God, I like it much better being on the other side.

Marty: Hey, kiddies.

Get your trunks.

It's time to deliver these deliverables to SkyEast.

Yep.

Hey, Martin.

Yeah.

Martin?

So we got a few initial findings, okay?

So let's talk through them.

Yeah, now's not a great time, Ron.

We've got this local engagement we've got to go to.

Oh, great. I'd love to join you.

(snaps) Yes, yes, see some of that Martin Kaan magic I've heard so much about.

It's really a do-nothing implementation meeting.

We'll talk on the way.

(elevator bell dings)

Look, I can't go to my bosses with this suboptimal sh*t.

Marty: We-we understand how you feel, and I-I'm glad you brought this to our attention.

O-Okay, so now how many times do I have to call you when it's not an emergency?

Doug: Listen, you have our full attention right now.

And we are happy to resolve any glitches.

So how can we help you?

So, look, okay, the-the segment models that you sent.

I mean, look, it-it's opaque at best.

Well, I'm looking at the same thing you're looking at and it seems pretty clear to me.

Really? Could... Hey, maybe you have glaucoma, Marty.

This right here, that's cloudy as f*ck.

Okay, Derek, if you don't understand how segment models work, we would be happy...

Are-are you calling me an idiot?

No, no, no.

I talk to my bosses, not you.

And they're looking for updates.

So you need to start explaining this sh*t in a language that people on this planet speak or we-we-we have to revisit this arrangement.

Derek, everything here is exactly as promised.

(door opens)

I can walk you through it step-by-step.

Mr. Rainey, I've got Chris Crespo for you.

(sighs)

Okay, just e-excuse me a minute.

Of course.

Okay, he's losing his f*cking sh*t.

We got to turn it up on this assh*le, all right?

He needs his plush toy.

Where's Jeannie?

Um, hey, Marty, can I ask you, are the mutes going to be shadowing us on all our consults?

'Cause they're kind of freaking me out.

Are you serious right now, Doug?

Go find f*cking Jeannie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go find her.

Uh, I have a question for you.

Mind if we step out?

Yeah.

You're gonna leave me in a room alone with these?

Marty: Grow up, Clyde.

(door closes)

This is how I die.

There you are!

Jeannie, we really need you upstairs.

We're losing him.

I-I...

Are you okay?

I don't know. I...

I just feel a little weird.

Oh, mother of God, are we having this baby?

Here, sit down.

No, we are not even having this conversation, Doug.

I just, I'm just having a little bit of pain.

Oh.

Oh. (chuckles)

Okay, all right, very interesting.

Interesting how? Okay, what?

Doug...

Nothing, nothing.

If you have something to say, spit it out.

I don't think you have to be Queegueg to read the bones here, Jeannie.

I mean, you suddenly feel sick What? on the night that you're supposed to have dinner with Marty and his family.

Oh, please.

It makes perfect sense.

Jesus.

It has nothing to...

And this is a good thing. You should be excited he's bringing you into the family.

Oh, God.

Ow! f*ck.

(winces) Ooh. Ooh. Oh, God, miscarriage.

No, I'm not having a miscarriage, Doug! We got a miscarriage!

It's okay, it's not your fault.

I'm not having the baby, either.

Just, please, would you go get me some water?

Of course, here.

Wait, do I need to boil it or anything?

Just water!

Anything, got it.

(exhales)

Look, I was told that you could have a tendency to be a little less than careful with your clients.

Oh, the things people say. (chuckles)

Now, I'm no consultant...

Correct.

...but I'm a businessman, (sighs) and I know better than to deflect, uh, when my client is seeking assurances.

I mean, this is the service industry, man.

Right? The clients are always right. 100%.

Well, unless-unless they're a panicky little bitch like Derek in there, and they're not right.

Look, look, Ron, we've got the f*cking job, okay?

This isn't a pitch; we're running an implementation...

Okay, so maybe I only turned around 29 Fortune 500 companies.

Oh, my God, then maybe you think you could run this consult better than I...

f*ck yeah, if I gave a sh*t about consulting.

Okay. So, what?

You think maybe you know every f*cking thing there is to know about consulting?

Well, maybe you do, okay.

But I'm here to give you your g*dd*mn golden ticket.

Huh? The keys to your Bugatti.

Uh-huh. - I'm here to maximize profits and eliminate waste.

So maybe you should stop rolling your eyes every time I open my mouth and listen.

Because I'm spitting wisdom, man.

I am.

I'm holding your balls in my hand.

So I can either cradle or crush.

You get my drift, Martin?

Yeah.

(sighs)

Hey, so how's it gonna work, exactly?

How's what gonna work?

Well, with you and Marty and the baby?

You know, I mean, I know things have been a little strained between you two since, uh...

Doug, I need you to mind your own business on this, okay?

Okay. 'Cause it's not... sh*t!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Oh, my God.

Oh, sh*t. You know what, I'm gonna get Marty.

No, don't get Marty, don't, don't, Doug.

No, I...

Why not?

Because we don't need Marty.

I don't need Marty!

(groaning) Okay.

Ow! Oh!

Hey, I got this. (sighs loudly)

I have seen enough House to know what I'm doing here.

f*ck.

What are you doing? Ow.

It's all right; I got it. Just hold... bite down on this. It's gonna hurt.

Don't. Doug, don't. Oh, my God.

I'm gonna take your pants off.

Doug, don't, stop.

I have to.

Oh, my God!

Doug, no!

It's the baby talking.

Oh!

(farts loudly)

Ugh.

(moans)

(farting continues)

(sighs)

Whew.

(farting continues)

Oh, my God.

It feels so much better.

Does it?

Let's go finish this f*cking consult, right?

(chuckles)

(gags, coughs)

If this is the customer reference system, how do I identify which are the key channel data streams you mentioned?

(sighs)

I'm sorry.

Ron, what do you think, buddy?

Uh, what? Excuse me?

Why are you asking him?

I'm terribly sorry.

I neglected to, uh, introduce our colleague.

Uh, this is Ron Zobel.

He has come on board with K and A after turning around several dozen Fortune 500 companies.

He really is a certified expert on growth strategy.

Derek: O-Oh.

O-Okay.

Yeah.

So, so what do you think, Ron?

We have a mid-level regional airline looking to expand.

Well, I mean, it depends on what, uh, benchmarks you guys are using to, uh, measure growth.

Oh, well, all the touch points are here in the GANNT chart.

Uh, Clyde, could you...

Absolutely. Give me one second.

And...

Great. Check your computer.

Thank you. (clears throat)

So, uh, just walk us through it.

Is it a retooling of the go to market model or the, uh, cost model?

Well, naturally, uh, I'd have to really...

...study the, um, the specs.

Oh, take your time.

Yeah, really breathe it in.

f*ck. (chuckles)

Now, your eyes are saying cost model, but your lips are saying "I don't know d*ck about management consulting."

No, say it.

I get it.

But you should say it.

Make you feel better.

Say it.

No, I get it, assh*le.

And...

I will crush.

Marty: Bye, Ron.

(door opens)

(door closes)

(robotically): Uh... oh, what... what do we do in this situation?

We are not programmed to improvise.

Clyde: Our heads are made of gears!

Marty: We, uh, uh, we are fumbling. We are... breaking down.

Uh... uh, oh. Uh, shall we...what should we...

Uh, uh, oh, uh, oh. Uh, oh.

Hi. I'm so sorry.

I got sick in the car on the way over, but I'm better now.

Ah, Jeannie. Uh, you're glowing.

Uh, please tell me something good, because Marty here has completely freaked me out.

What? Derek...

I have an implementation for you that is going to make you fall even deeper in love with me.

May not be possible.

(laughter)

Let's give it a sh*t.

Okay. Whip it out.

(clears throat)

Start here.

Okay.

(typing)

(door opens, cat meowing)

You're home early.

I don't know how you expect to make the big money doing that.

Fine, Dad. Marty let us out.

Did you open my door again?

Look, Natalie Portman happens to like it in your room.

Ah, no, no.

Probably the last time you ever heard that.

Get the f*ck out!

(meows)

Get out. Please get the f*ck out.

Dad?

Dad, we talked about this.

Now there's gonna be cat hair and dander all over my f*cking pillows.

You know how much of a nancy boy you sound like when you say that, right?

I sound like a nancy boy.

And why didn't you return my texts?

During the day, I'm very busy, okay, so if you can ease up on the texts, that would help me a lot.

Don't... (sighs)

Listen, I know you're trying to enjoy this time of yours.

I'm sorry.

Just please, close the door. How hard is that?

I just need a little bit of help with the computer. That's all.

Oh, my f*cking God. Are you serious?

You needed me to help you figure out the computer so you could watch p*rn?

(meowing)

Clyde, I'm dying.

Oh, no.

Would you deny your dying father la petite mort?

No, you're not allowed to speak French on top of it.

Well, I've certainly walked in on you before, right?

That's when I was 15.

It's the circle.

Oh, my God.

We return, we return.

So much death in this family.

That's what it is.

No, no, no.

You're not allowed to justify your jacking off with cancer and the Holocaust, Dad.

Do you f*cking realize how crazy that is?

Okay, I am trying my best to get past everything that has happened in our family and to sympathize with your situation.

Okay?

You know that I care about you.

I... I am f*cking trying, man.

You know something? I don't need your sympathy.

How about just a little bit of deference for the man whose shpritz gave you life?

Sh... It's...

Okay, Dad, you got to find a new place to stay, starting tomorrow.

(Natalie Portman meowing)

Hello.

Denna: Hey, there.

Guess I know why you're here.

Ron's not happy.

Like... really f*cking mad.

(both chuckle)

I didn't know that, when you were that f*cking crazy, you still had emotions.

I know he can be a pain sometimes, but he's made a ton of money for Global.

And he'll do the same for you if I can talk him into ever coming back here.

Denna, you know how I run my business, okay?

I don't need somebody looking over my f*cking shoulder.

Now, if this Al Haig assh*le...

Marty, calm down.

Isn't this what we discussed?

Making K and A huge?

Yeah. Kaan and Associates.

He's an expert at building companies.

But you're right, Marty.

Ron doesn't have any feelings to get tangled up in-- unlike you.

Oh, this is gonna be fantastic.

Um, what exactly do you mean?

(chuckles) Asks the man who forked over half his company to a woman who, in turn, sent him to federal prison.

We talked about that, Denna.

Marty, I like you, but I don't have any complicated feelings about what we're doing here.

Business is business.

Oh, my God, I've got to needlepoint that on a pillow.

Now, what... "Business is..." What was the second part?

Okay.

So, which victory means more to you?

Saying "f*ck you" to my turnaround artist or making serious f*ck-you money?

Marty...

I want you to really picture what it is you want most and ask yourself, "What is that worth?"

Jeremiah: Okay, wait, wait, wait, so... so, wait.

When exactly are you due?

Three weeks from tomorrow.

(chuckling): Whoa.

Yeah.

Whoa.

She's almost here.

Malcolm: So I'm gonna be a... be an uncle all over again.

Yeah. I'm cool with that.

No need to have any of your own.

Easy there, big papa. Easy.

(light laughter)

I want to make a toast.

But, you know, I should have some...

Yeah, that ain't gonna happen.

Give him a little drinky drink.

All right.

Okay.

To Jeannie and my new baby sis.

May she grow and flourish and... just be loved.

And, of course, be, like, extremely well dressed.

Well, I think, having you as a big bro-sis, there's not a chance that she'll ever look anything other than fabulous.

"Big bro-sis."

I like that.

I-I think I just heard my dad's aorta explode.

Little bit. (chuckling)

Little bit. Little bit.

Yeah. You saw that?

That's what that was.

(laughter)

Well, to... to Jeannie... and Marty.

And your happiness, hmm?

Whatever form that may take.

Truly, all I can say is that we want that for the both of you.

And to this new person, well...

...we will love her completely...

...and unconditionally.

True words.

That's beautiful, Pop.

Come on. Let's put 'em up.

Come on. Let's put 'em up.

Cheers.

Very nice words for the girl who blew up your lives.

This was so delicious.

(clears throat) I really, really liked it.

I unfortunately did double-book tonight.

And it's a work thing, so I do have to run.

But, um, thank you so much.

Appreciate everything, and thank you so much for the hospitality.

Hey, Jeannie, what are you...?

(Jeannie sniffles)

Jeannie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going?

I can't do this, Marty.

Yeah, it's too late.

Not this; the... your family and...

I can't... have them treating me so nice when even I hate me.

I can't...

Look.

It's time, okay?

It's f*cking time.

We've been acting out like a couple of teenagers.

Yes, but maybe th-that's exactly how we're...

No... no, no, no, no, no.

We're not gonna do it anymore.

We're not, okay?

We're gonna keep our sh*t together in front of this kid.

In front of both of these kids.

We can do that.

Let's just... you know, be grown-ups.

And you don't get to walk away every time you feel something, Jeannie.

Wow. Did that just come out of Marty Kaan's mouth?

Yeah. You just said that to me?

I heard myself say it, too. It's weird.

Uh, you heard it, right? It's weird.

(chuckles softly)

I mean it.

Ooh, sh*t.

(chuckles) She's...

(laughs)

Ninja fetus.

Hey.

Come on.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

(sighs)

I told them I was having pregnancy issues.

That should shut 'em up.

Hey...

And now I would like to know what is for dessert.

Of course.

(Jeremiah chuckling)

How about...

Whoa. blackberry cobbler.

So glad I stayed.

Blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.

And right on time.

Right on time.

She likes what she likes.

He's not wrong.

How big a piece do you want, Jeannie?

Jeremiah, I don't think you have a piece big enough.

Are you serious?

I am.

Okay, well... how is that?

I'll start with that, but you're going to need two other cobblers, I think.

Oh, stop it.

(laughter)

♪ Stay with me, be a friend ♪
♪ This street's so cold ♪
♪ And my mind is full of ghosts ♪
♪ Come on, now, we'll take your car ♪
♪ Nights are long and I'm feeling lonely ♪
♪ Look after me ♪
♪ It hurts ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Stay with me tonight ♪
♪ We can count ♪
♪ The streetlights ♪
♪ Stay with me all right ♪
♪ Let's bring it all back to life ♪
♪ Don't fade away, just stay. ♪