05x07 - The Winds of sh*t

[bunniefuu]

What's going on here, Mr. Lahey?

Putting it on the market, bud.

I thought we were trying to sell it to Julian?

Listen, at the price I'm asking, no one in their right mind's gonna buy it.

Julian is never gonna let his grandmother's trailer be sold on the open market. We keep raising the price, Julian's gonna have to raise more money to buy it.

And the only way Julian can raise money is breaking the law, Randy Breaking it. The law, Randy. Breaking the law.

Then we'll catch him in a sh*t snare. Right, Mr. Lahey (rattling)

How's the carts going there, Bubs?

They're all f*cking mangly, Julian.

Hey, Ricky.

How's it going, Rick?

I'll tell you.

I just saw the old man in jail and he's f*cking losing it Let's start selling hash. Gotta bail him out.

It'll be about five grand, so I'll sell at old-folks homes, f*cking dental colleges, go door to door, churches, whatever it takes.

Listen, listen, stop cutting the hash, okay?

Julian!

We're not gonna sell it this way, Ricky.

I gotta get him out of f*cking jail!

Boys, boys! Boys!

Here comes Lahey.

Hide it!

f*cking Lahey.

'Morning, gentlemen. Beautiful day.

ItwasLahey.

Julian, I put a For Sale sign up on the old homestead.

It's on the market, bud.

f*ck, you're not gonna do this to me, Lahey.

Listen, I'm gonna have the money real soon.

You wanna f*ck with the old man? You f*cking wait, Lahey You got yours f*cking coming, I'll tell you that.

Here's a little memento to remember him by.

While he's rotting in his stinky little jail cell Cheers, boys.

(bottle smashing)

f*ck!

(music)

All this money sitting here and I can't sell a little bit to get the old man out of jail? That's f*cked, Julian.

Rick, Rick, Rick. We're gonna sell it, okay?

We just need a perfect plan.

What's wrong with going door to door? Lots of people smoke dope.

They're gonna buy it.

It's careless, okay?

We start ripping this stuff and going door to door, you're gonna get caught.

And Lahey's gonna be the one to catch us.

Don't even f*cking mention Lahey's name right now, alright?

It's his f*cking fault I'm in this situation.

sonofab*tch, prick, idiot, drunk f*ck!

Where do you wanna sell it Where'd you sell the most dope ever in your whole life, Ricky Where'd you make the most money?

One of the best thing about school, from my perspective, is everybody smokes dope. So you can sell a lot of dope.

I mean, everybody smokes - students, teachers, guidance counsellors, people that work in the library, the guys that polish floors, janitors, the cafeteria workers.

So I'm gonna go back to school, sell some dope and, uh, do a bit of book learning at the same time. Can't f*cking wait.

Dartmouth Regional Vocational School?

Julian, are you f*cked in the head?

I thought we were going to f*cking high school.

I can't go to f*cking vocational school Rick, you're not selling hash in high school, alright?

You're old enough to be a teacher in high school, Ricks Think.

Yeah, but the learning thing that you get at f*cking spoken out and trying to get up in there and then you gotta... f*ck Rick, Rick, Rick.

I can't do this, man.

My brain doesn't work this way. It's not college level.

This is the perfect place to sell hash.

We are not gonna get caught. Everything'll be fine.

Come on.

You'll do alright, Ricky Think about your daughter. Think about Lucy.

They're gonna be impressed with you.

They're gonna be so f*cking proud of you, man Come on, let's go.

Julian, this brain barely got through f*cking Grade 7.

Well, Julian's been all paranoid lately, with f*cking Lahey and all these books he's reading, for fucksakes.e He says it's too risky for me to have a bunch of hash onm around schools that do these random searches,f so he used this big-smart-thinking stufn to come up with this new pla where I just take orders for hash in the daytime, get people's locker number and combinations, then at night, we break in to the school, if there's money in the lockers, we just drop the hash off there. Use the honourly system.

And hopefully it's gonna work out good.

They're not gonna let me in here. If they do, there's not a f*cking chance I'm gonna get a greeting card.

Think about it, I'm stupid.

Rick, listen to me.

Don't let school sh*t distract you.

You're here for one reason and that's to sell dr*gs.

Stay focused, man.

There's two ways to look at it, really.

Either you go to school to learn, or you go to school to sell dr*gs, and Ricky's here to sell dr*gs I mean, maybe if it was under different circumstances, he could learn something, but Julian wants him just to sell dr*gs.

It's kind of ironic, really.

Think about selling dr*gs. f*ck school, alright?

Good luck, man.

Ricky, you can't smoke in here.

What?

You can't smoke!

Julian, you think they're gonna let him in here?

I f*ckin' hope so, man.

Look, I just wanna basically come to your school and do some book learning, okay?

I've only got my Grade 10, which I don't think is a big deal., Some people might. My dad just got thrown in jail so I need to get some sh*t going here, with a job and stuff so basically, you know...

A lot of people might say I'm stupid. I dunno.

I don't think I am. I'm probably smarter than that I mean, this thing here is smarter than me, I guess, but it has a battery. But if I can get enough good brain thinking going at your school, , maybe I can get a job, which I need, get my dad out of jail buy sh*t for my daughter. That's what I'm thinking here.

Well, sorry, school's already started, so there's nothing I can do there.

Ah, f*ck, are you serious?

But we are interviewing custodians, if you're looking for work.

What? Interviewing what?

Janitors.

Janitors? I'm not...

I'm not qualified to do that. Weren't you listening?

I've only got my Grade 10.

Well, you don't need a Grade 10, but you have to go through the interview process.

Really? Well... how about we skip the interview process and I give you a little bit of this stuff to basically say that I've got the job and give me one of those jackets right over there.

I want Ricky on the sleeve and Grade 10 on the other sleeve, Well, basically, I couldn't get into school 'cause school already started, which is bullshit, so I made a little deal with this guyg and got a job as a janitor, so now I'm kind of pretendin to go to school here and as far as everybody knows, I do go to school here. I got a f*cking jacket.

I'm gonna tell Lucy, everybody, that I am going to school.

What's the big deal? It's not that big of a lie Ray! Ray!

How's Ricky doing?

He's doing great, man.

Awesome.

He got into vocational school.

Dartmouth Vocational School?

Dartmouth Regional.

No sh*t! Oh, f*ck, that's fantastic! Right on Listen, Ray, I got some bad news, bud.

It's a bit of a cash-flow problem right now and, uh... you're gonna have to stay in jail a little longer.

How much longer, man?

Not that long, just like a month, six weeks. I'm working on it, though.

Oh, f*ck, man, no. No.

Ray, I'm working on it.

It might be three weeks.

Come on, man.

Listen, all you gotta do is keep a low profile, okay?

And I'm gonna work on getting you out.

Low profile, Julian? What, are you reading books again?

What's wrong with reading books?

Nothing, but there's only one book that counts, Julian It's the bible. It says to help your friends Does it say anything about you ripping off insurance companies, pretending you're in a wheelchair, and then getting caught, drunk dancing with hos, making p*rn flics? Huh?

Anything in your book about that, Ray?

It's open to interpretation, Julian. It's the bible.

C'mon, Ray, just hang on, alright? Hang in there.

I gotta go, man. I gotta go.

Listen, tell Ricky I love him, okay, man?

Alright.

Are we gonna leave Ray in there?

Bubs, I need to get my grandmother's old trailer back He's stupid enough to get caught, he can do another month. Whoop-dee f*ck.

What about Cyrus, though? I mean... if he gets him?

Bubs, Bubs, Bubs, they're gonna be in there for three of four years.

f*ck those guys, alright?

I'm more concerned about f*cking Lahey.

He's not in jail.

Yeah, and he's drunker and f*cking crazier than ever.

Let's get the f*ck out of here.

Was that a double or a triple, Mr. Lahey?

That'll be fine, Randy. You know, boy, it's never been clearer to me in my life.

Julian is a criminal, and to take a criminal down, you gotta think like a criminal.

Intimidation is the key, Randy An individual who is intimidated fucks up.

D'you fix that yet?

The muffler's on back order, Mr. Lahey.

You know, Randy, when those assholes are back in prison, I won't have to drink anymore.

Now word's around school that I'm selling hash.

Everybody is coming up to me buying hash.

This whole school smokes f*cking hash.

Ricky's doing awesome. I have never seen him doing better.

You know, he got his Grade 10

Awesome - and now he's going forward he's going to community college, he's making -

You are so in love with him.

It's not that big a deal.

It's not that big a deal No.

Do you know anyone who's gone to community college? Name one person.

I can name one person who goes to jail every year.

Ricky!

Yeah, I'll talk to my partner. It shouldn't be a problem.

I think it's important that me and Trinity spend a lot more time together I mean, who taught Trinity how to drive? Not Lucy. Me And I can teach Trinity a lot of things.

That's what fathers are supposed to be doing.

I dunno. Lucy's been trying to be in p*rn movies and every g*dd*mn thing, which I didn't agree with and I'm glad she didn't do it.

So I dunno. Whatever it takes. I just wanna get back with them.

Are you Ricky?

Yeah, you need some hash Yeah.

How much do you need?

Five grams.

That'll be 40 bucks. Just leave it in your locker Okay.

It'll be there in the morning.

What's your locker number?

Twenty-two.

Combination?

Nine, 23, 60.

Perfect.

Thanks.

Thank you.

So I mean, I'm gonna suggest to Lucy that maybe we get back together and I'd like to get a trailer once we sell all this dope Maybe we can move in together, I dunno.

I think it'd be great for al I of us to be a family again I'm a good cook. Teach Trinity how to cook.

Teach her about some small-engine repair and stuff.

Sorry Mr. Olsen. You throwing these shelves out Cool. I'm just gonna grab those, if you don't mind. Thanks.

Sorry, I just had a stressful f*cking day, and this stupid thing here. Why is this even here?

Anyway, I'm leaving. Sorry about that.

Look, Mr. Lahey!

Down, Randy, down!

It's Ricky!

What's he doing?

He's throwing out the garbage, Mr. Lahey.

Camera, Randy. Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go Wait, wait, wait. Whoa.

Who takes out the garbage, Randy?

I don't know, Mr. Lahey.

The janitor, Randy. He's the g*dd*mn janitor!

Look, Mr. Lahey. We got him.

He's taking off the coveralls.

What the f*ck's he up to, Randy?

I don't know.

Now what's he doing?

It's a school jacket, Mr. Lahey.

A school jacket?

Yeah.

You ever see a janitor wear a f*cking school jacket before No.

Holy f*ck that smells good. That should be plenty, man That's over twelve pounds. What do you think?

Perfect, buddy. Good job. You coming or what, Bubs?

No, Julian, I'm not.

I don't wanna f*cking break into the school.

I just wanna relax tonight. Work on these f*cking things Alright, we'll see you in a couple of hours, buddy.

Boys, boys, boys, boys. Lahey's watching us.

Don't look back. Don't look back.

Bubs, go distract him.

What?!

Distract him. Get him out of here.

Hi there, Mr. Lahey. How you doing?

Just having some drinks, are you?

Supervising the park, Bubs. That's what I do.

Everything's fine down here.

Maybe you could supervise down that end of the park.

Not a problem, Bubs.

I have to phone the real-estate agent!

I just remembered! Thanks for reminding me!

Lot of interest, Julian, even at 12-5!

Don't f*ck with me, Jim.

On second thought, Julian, maybe I will come with you Not hang around here with that drunk bastard.

What'd you call me, Bubbles?

Nothing.

Ricky: Get the f*ck out of here, Lahey!

Nothing.

You know what a sh*t barometer is, Bub?

No.

Measures the sh*t pressure in the air. You can feel it.

Listen, Bubs. Hear that?

Sounds of the whispering winds of sh*t.

What the f*ck are you going on about?

Can you hear it?

No, I don't hear anything.

Oh, but you will, my sorry little friend, when the sh*t barometer rises, and you'll feel it too.

Your ears will implode from the sh*t pressure.

You were warned, Bubs. But you picked the wrong side.

Beware, my friend.

sh*t winds are a-coming.

Alright, boys, looking good, looking good, looking good Okay, Bubs, you wait here.

We're gonna be in and out in 10 minutes, alright?

Make sure everything is cool out here.

f*ck that, Julian. I'm not waiting out here by myself I don't like it out here.

Well, come in with us.

Give me a hand, then, come on.

Well, trafficking narcotics in a government building, that's f*cking great.

Did anybody think to bring a flashlight?

Bubbles did.

Where the f*ck d'you get the keys?

I found them, man.

How'd you know which key to use?

I didn't.

But you went right through, first try.

Well, that's what I'm saying Holy sh*t, look at all the books!

f*ck off with the books, Julian, I'm serious.

I wanna get the f*ck outta here. I'm scared in here What are you scared of, Bubs? (strange noise)

Boys, listen. (blowing sound)

Those are the sh*t winds Lahey was talking about.

There's no f*cking sh*t winds or winds of sh*t, Bubs.

Don't worry about that.

Well, they're some kind of f*cking wind.

Don't listen to Lahey!

He's drunk and he's f*cking insane, man Here's the deal. Ricky, you take care of downstairs.

We're gonna take care of the lockers upstairs.

Meet me back at the car in 10 minutes.

Don't f*ck around.

I gotta take a piss first.

Piss later, alright? Later !

Fine, I'm taking this.

Focus on the hash. Lockers, hash, lockers.

I'm taking this f*cking flashlight, 'cause there's two of yous and only one of mes.

Why do you get a flashlight and we get an old lighter?

'Cause you guys got twice or three times as many eyes.

(strange blowing noise)

Okay, Locker 15. He gets 14 grams.

Get 14 in there, Bubs. I need some more light, Bubs Jesus Christ. Julian, I only have two f*cking arms I know, I know. We gotta go quick, man.

Ah, f*ck, I gotta piss.

(strange blowing noise)

Julian, there's a bag of chips in here.

Do you think it'd be a big dea I if I took some?

f*cking take them, man.

(strange noise)

(flushing and crashing noise ) (g*nf*re)

Holy Christ, Ricky's in a gunfight!

Go in the car, go in the car. I'll be right back.

(g*nf*re)

f*ck!

Ricky! Ricky, what the f*ck's going on?!

Who the f*ck is out there?

What the f*ck's going on, Ricky?!

Julian?

What the f*ck is up here, man, what are you sh**ting at?

You won't f*cking believe what's going on in here.

Winds of sh*t, buddy.

The winds of sh*t?!

Yes.

What the f*ck?

What are you talking about, Ricky?

There's only f*cking one explanation.

I'm telling you right now. Maybe two., I could've fallen down, tripped over myself, I dunno the g*n went off, pissed on myself.

g*ns f*cking going off big-time. Or ghosts.

There's f*cking ghosts here!

Ricky, f*ck!

The f*cking urinal flushed by itself!

They're supposed to flush!

Since when?

Let's get out of here!

I didn't put all the hash in the lockers yet!

It doesn't matter. Let's go! Come on!

What about the customers You wanna go to jail, you fuckhead?!

Fucksakes!

Boys, what the f*ck took you so long and what happened in there?

I got att*cked in the f*cking bathroom by the sh*t-wind ghosts or something.

sh*t winds?!

Ricky, enough with this f*cking g*dd*mn sh*t winds Keep your eyes peeled.

f*ck, boys.

Omigod, the cops!

Ricky, the cops. Do we have any dope on us?

No big deal, boys.

Get us out of this, Ricky.

If anybody asks, I'm a f*cking janitor here Alright, turn the car off. Now.

Holy f*ck, boys, settle down.

Now. Turn it off.

Hands up where I can see them.

Yessir, yessir.

Everybody, hands up.

You guys having a busy night, are you, or... how are things going?

You have a beverage there?

Uh...

What's in that beverage?

Okay, can I just explain -

What's in that beverage, sir That is... I'm not gonna lie to you, it's rum and coke.

And I'll tell you what, I'm not drinking, I'm the driver This guy's getting married. We were having a stag party.

Now we've had reports of g*nshots here.

You know anything about that?

Yes, I do, actually.

I'm the one who called you guys. Bunch of little f*ckers, I don't know who they were, they, uh...

At first I thought it was firecrackers, then I saw one of them, he did this motion where he pulled something, I think it was a g*n.

Kids or adults?

Kids, adults. Kids, I think.

Ah, g*dd*mn. Kids again. f*ck. Did you see them?

Yeah, I did. One guy had long, gravy-coloured hair.

There was another guy -

g*dd*mn.

-with darker, braidy things going on...

I chased them out of here about two weeks ago.

I should've called you then, I didn't.

We threw coffee away for this. Jesus, man.

I'll tell you. The day we're having.

g*dd*mn kids!

Bubbles: That was awesome.

How did you come up with the janitor thing like that?

I can't believe he didn't even get you on open liquor.

Just drive out of here slowly, man.

Roll me a joint, Bubs. Holy f*ck, I'm stressed now.

Ricky, just wait till we get back to the park Ah, f*ck, boys.

I got something going on with this...

What's this thing here? The appliance right inside here.

Ricky, they're waiting for you, man. Pull out.

f*cking thing is k*lling me.

I got that heart-congestion sh*t again. f*ck!

(birds chirping)

Boys.

Ah!

Boys, Ricky, wake up, man. I've got a drink for you, buddy.

Rick, Rick. Great job with the cops last night, man.

We made a shitload of money, boys.

Got enough to bail the old man out now, buddy Uh, I was talking to Ray and he doesn't wanna get out yet What?

Yeah, he's in some kind of stop-gambling program or something.

Wants to stay in for another week.

He's having a great f*cking time, though, man.

Really?

Yeah.

Go spend some time with your family, Rick.

You deserve it, buddy. I gotta grab something to eat.

Yeah, I'm gonna run those shelves up to Trinity, I guess Hey, girls.

Good morning!

Hey, Ricky. Whoa.

College boy just dropped off some shelves for his daughter.

Very nice.

Neat. Cool!

Nice jacket there, college boy. Looks good.

Sorry to barge in on you ladies, but today is lot-fee day.

We paid our lot fees, Lahey.

You came to collect them in your g*dd*mn underwear, drunk as hell at 8 a.m.?

Ricky, I notice there's a little mistake on the sleeve of your jacket.

No, there's not.

It says Grade 10.

Yeah, it says Grade 10, but shouldn't it say janitor, Ricky?

Jesus, you stink. Janitor, huh?

Get the hell out of this trailer.

Hands off! (Lahey laughing)

What are you guys talking about?

Before I go I should... Oh, whoops, I dropped a couple of pictures on the table.

Looks like somebody named Ricky pretending to bet a vocational-school studen when he's really a vocational-school janitor.r I mean, I could've pretended I was going to college all yea and people would've been proud of me, especially Lucy and Trinity, but, oh, no, , Lahey's gotta go around, drunk, driving probably, to college taking f*cking pictures of me throwing out garbage and emptying mop buckets, so now everyone knows I'm just a g*dd*mn janitor instead of really going to college, which sucks.

What is this?

Did you lie to us?

Sweetie, I didn't...

It's not really a lie, it's just I got my Grade 10, I haven't really done anything with it, alright? And I've been to jail and I just wanted to make you guys proud and try to go to school and get my book thinking and learnings and stuff flowing better, more brainy in my head.

And I can't afford a CB or tel you what I'm trying to say here, , is that my brain is scrambly but I'm sorry anyway, alright, sweetie?

Don't lie like Daddy did, it's not bright.

It's just I was trying to make you guys proud.

Ricky, you are the most f*cked-up person I've ever met and I've met a lot of f*cked-up people, 'cause I spent some time in a mental institution.

You're going back there if you don't leave me alone.

Go back to your trailer! Drink there!

Get your f*cking drunk face out my trailer, Lahey, Randy Rick, you know what?

You kind of lied about it, but I think it's cool that you're trying to take care of Trin and to impress us, so you know, I'm not mad.

You know what? It's almost like so pathetic that it's kind of sweet.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks. guys.

It's cool.

You wanna set these up in your room?

Sure.

(music)