06x05 - Halloween 1977

[bunniefuu]

[knock]

What's going on Randy?

Hey Bubbles. I was wondering if I could ask you for a favour?

What kind of a favour?

Well, it's just, I'm confused about things. Mixed up.

I'm attracted to a bunch of different things.

What kind of things Randy?

Well, you know how Mr. Lahey and I, we were Yup.

Well Bubbles, you're not going to tell anybody about this, right? Right?

Tell anybody about what Randy?

Well, I been watching the way Sarah handles people and she's really turning me on, Bubbles.

Oh, Sarah is.

Yeah.

Oh, okay, well. Come in Randy. We'll figure that out.

Thanks Bubbles.

It's just a matter of going to a couple of websites Randy.

I mean, do you like this type of thing?

I like those things Bubbles.

Yeah, I know. Me too! Or, I mean, there's also this type of things.

I like that thing too.

Alright Randy. I mean, I think that clears that up.

You know, you're just kind of attracted to whatever but lots of people are.

That's normal.

Thanks Bubbles.

Alright.

(music)

Hey Ted.

Randy. We've got a problem.

Problem?

Yeah, the Chief's on my case about spending too much time in the park and why I've got a three hundred and sixty five dollar expense claim for cheeseburgers. So I lied to him, told him I was doing surveillance. I need you to do me a favour.

I need you to do surveillance on Ricky and Julian. It doesn't look good when a peace officer hangs out at a place like this where there is clearly crime being committed and driving around with a former male prost*tute and blowing hundreds of bucks on cheeseburgers.

You checked my record Ted?

Yes I did Randy. That's my job.

I thought you liked me.

Well I do Randy. You know. I mean, you're a great guy, but, hey, don't eat the bun. Just the meat.

It's part of the burger Ted.

Randy!

It seemed to me like maybe Randy and Officer Ted were in a bit of a lover's quarrel and then they came over to the store as usual, hoping to get a little dirt on Corey and Trevor.

Hi Sarah. Can I have an apple juice please?

Sorry, we don't have juice.

Gee, I don't know much about business, but if I was going to open up a convenience store, I think the first thing I'd do is stock up on merchandise. Otherwise it's not very convenient for the customer.

Seems obvious, right Randy.

I don't know.

Well, I don't know a whole lot about being a cop but it seems to me like a constable on patrol should be out patrolling and not in here harassing me. Seems pretty obvious.

Randy, my eyes are up here.

Come on Randy, let's go.

Ah, actually Ted. I'm not going to go. I've got work to do. Here.

Here you go, bud.

Bye Ted. I don't think that Officer Ted and Randy are going to stay together. Officer Ted is obviously using Randy to his own ends and he's also trying to change him.

He brought him an Ab Flexor the other day.

If you don't love him the way he is, just leave him alone.

I think it's f*cking great the way he's back in the f*cking liquor, drunk as f*ck.

It's great you know, basically he just roams around this park doing little chores for his bitchy little boss Randy and he leaves us alone. We never see him so we can do whatever we want now, we can sell sh*t in the park and basically who's going to stop us. Randy? Randy can suck.

Alright Trev, let's go.

All that stuff right there.

On the ground. One, one thousand, garbage. Next.

As you can plainly see, the suspects are taking the stolen property and placing it by the roadside garbage and then loading it on their vehicle, in a vain attempt to cover themselves.

Okay Trev, barbeque next. Move it Trev.

Trev, what are you doing? Pick it up.

My shoe fell off. Can I just fix my shoe?

No time Trev, get the rest of that stuff. Trev, let's go, move it. Take it out of here.

(horn blast)

I'm pretty paranoid these days, I'll be honest. I mean, the whole trailer park is flipped upside down.

Randy's dating police officer and Mr. Lahey is back with Barb.

People are getting evicted left right and centre.

I'm paranoid the next person is going to be me.

If it's not Ricky with all that f*cking garbage lying around.

Check over in the sporting goods. Everything there is five bucks today.

Bikes are five bucks today. Nice phone here if you want that.

Hey boys, what's up?

cr*ck it Ricky.

How's the East Coast's Whips going?

Aight.

It's good.

Saying? Hey, my baby mommas want to do some shopping. Is that aight?

Of course.

We on approved credit, boy?

Yeah, I can live with that.

Tight. Aight ladies, aight. Hey man, let me ask you something dawg.

I'm getting all kinds of letters, you know what I'm saying, from Barb.

Talking about how we might be kicked out of the park or some sh*t.

Trailers, lot fees, some sh*t.

I wouldn't worry about Barb. I'll tell you what you should be worried about though is Randy. Lahey's drunk out of his mind.

Randy man, I'm telling you, he scares me. He's throwing people left and centre. Threw my dad out. He's throwing everyone out.

How come you ain't been kicked out, dawg.

Good question. That means something's up and it's not up to Lahey cause he's too drunk. But something is up with Randy, I just haven't figured it out yet.

Well, we ain't afraid of Randy, with his candy.

That globe shaped m*therf*cker, you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, f*ck Randy.

J Roc, I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optometrist, but you gotta keep your eye on Randy. He's f*cking around, he's doing stuff.

I don't trust that f*cking guy man, I don't.

Randy equals ain't shook.

Your pants finally burst Randy? What the f*ck are you doing with my sh*t dawg.

What's up man?

I'm just packing your stuff up J Roc. You're evicted.

What you talking about Randy? You can't evict me, dawg. You don't have the power.

Yes I do, J Roc. For not paying lot fees.

Randy, I'm working on lot fees, dawg. You know what I'm saying.

You ain't really going to evict me and T and my two baby mommas.

We're getting close dawg.

I've warned you three times J Roc.

Randy, I'm a ma-fucker under a lot of pressure, you know what I'm saying, you know that. Right? Know what I'm saying?

So I know you ain't really acting hard with me right?

Cause you don't want me to step to you, you know what I'm saying.

And take you down dawg. Cause I'm about to pop.

That's a great idea J Roc. I'll just take my pants off.

Randy, don't take your pants off dawg. Pull that sh*t up.

Nobody, ladies turn around, nobody wants to see that sh*t dawg.

Put your pants up. We want to talk about this sh*t dawg.

(shouting)

Pants up dawg.

I told you, nobody wants to fight you man.

Ladies you can turn around now and look. Everything's aight.

Do that sh*t up man.

Do your sh*t up dawg. Can't we talk? You're acting awful hard Randy.

Sometimes life is hard J Roc.

Randy, sometimes you fat. You don't hear me talking about that do you?

Cool it down dawg. You know what I'm saying? You understand?

Seems to me that you should be able to understand and be sympathetic to what it's like to be pregnant dawg.

What are you talking about, J Roc?

Oh what, you ain't pregnant with a bucket of chicken?

Hey, let me tell you something little ma-fucker, when you grow up don't grow up to be like that ma-fucker right there.

Randy, you probably ain't even had your ultrasound yet have you dawg.

I'll give it to you right now. I hear chicken. I hear cola fizz and mustard and relish coagulating together. French fries and onion rings Randy, but you know what. I don't hear a heart m*therf*cker.

Come on ladies, let's pack this sh*t up. That's whack Randy.

Going without your wallet. After all I've done for you, hairy bitch.

You should have just paid your lot fees J Roc.

Say hi to Mr. La, oh, that's right.

I can't believe you, Randy man. Disappointed. Do you feel good about yourself?

You were at the cheeseburger picnic where I told everybody if they didn't pay their lot fees, they were out. Well you got your sh*t packed, now get out. Get the frig out of here.

With your heart, it's not worth it.

Julian. I just thought you might like to know that there's another trailer for sale if you want it.

Which one?

Bill's.

Bill's leaving?

No, Bill got kicked out. He didn't pay his lot fees.

How much do you want for it?

Twelve hundred dollars plus you gotta fix two broken windows that were smashed by kids today. No big deal Julian, just go down to Piercey's, pick a couple up I'll give you nine hundred bucks and it's a deal.

Done.

f*ck off Randy, I said it's a deal, alright?

Hope you got a good deal on that spoiler Julian cause it's whack.

Randy's got some f*cking nerve, throwing everybody out of this park.

That big cocky prick, he's f*cking up to something, I know he is.

Something to do with us. Trying to set us up or some sh*t.

If Randy thinks he's smartlier than me, he's wrong.

I'm setting up a sting today.

I've been watching Ricky, Julian and Bubbles for years and whenever they need building supplies, they steal them.

So I set Julian up. I broke the windows in Bill's trailer.

That's the guy you gotta distract right there, okay?

Make sure you distract him until I leave, okay? Wave. Wave.

Perfect. There's some windows.

Okay, do you got your bus fare?

Yeah.

Randy? What the f*ck are you doing here?

Randy, they're going to see you, boy. sh*t.

Didn't I teach you any better than that boy!

Randy, what are you taking pictures of me for?

I wasn't taking picture, Julian.

Guess what? You blew it buddy. This is called entrapment.

You're so stupid. You stay the f*ck away from me.

Frig off Julian.

Evidence note to self. Surveillance almost compromised by amateur associate trailer park supervisor Randy, caught in the act observing suspect Julian in the act of stealing building material. I got you Julian this time, all on tape, you sexy prick.

Mr. Lahey?

Hey Rand.

Mr. Lahey, what are you doing?

I'm just lying around, having a couple of drinks, relaxing, Randinator.

Relaxing?! I'm working Mr. Lahey. I want you to go down to Bill's and clean up some broken glass and take care of some stuff he left there.

Why doesn't Wild Bill clean it up himself, Randy-man?

Because I evicted him Mr. Lahey. He wasn't paying his lot fees.

You what!?

I evicted him.

Randy, Bill has lived in this park since before you were born.

You can't treat people like that, boy.

It was hard Mr. Lahey, I won't lie.

Yeah, you see what kind of a toll that job takes on you Randy?

Where have you been?

Sorry. Sorry Sarah.

I'm sorry.

Sorry's not good enough. I asked where you've been.

I was working with Julian. He was working with Ricky.

Corey, don't tell her that!

Guys, I thought we decided that it was in your best interests not to hang out with those guys anymore. Do you want to go back to jail?

No.

No?

No.

Hi Randy.

Hey Sarah. I was wondering, do you want to grab a burger.

I need some really important advice.

I got some advice for you Randy.

What Trevor?

Maybe you should put a shirt on before you come in the store.

Gee, I haven't heard that one before. You're hilarious!

Yeah, real funny Trev. You're in charge Corey.

I don't know Sarah, it's just, I always have to deal with Mr. Lahey being drunk all the time and I have to deal with Ted and evictions and Barb.

I mean, how do you do it?

Well, I guess I think that if you're honest with yourself and honest with everybody around you then everything just kind of falls in to place Randy.

Sarah come here, I got something to tell you.

Randy! What the f*ck do you think you're doing?

I'm just trying to be honest with my feelings Sarah.

Well, okay, but you're really attractive and I like talking cheeseburgers with you and sh*t but I'm, don't have those kind of feelings for you. At all.

Okay.

Are we still cool?

Yeah.

sh*t!

Trevor, it's not your f*cking toke. For f*ck's sakes.

Good afternoon gentlemen. Sorry to interrupt.

I think I might have had a little bit too much to drink.

Then maybe again.

Boys, get him out of here before he pisses himself again please.

Dude, you gotta let us draw cocks on him.

Okay, knock yourselves out.

Nice!

That won't be necessary boys. You see, I'm not the least bit drunk.

I haven't been drunk for 26 glorious days of undercover police work.

Making a little video tape. Starring Julian and Ricky.

What the f*ck are you talking about? You're wasted.

Alright. You talking about this Rick? How you doing buddy?

How you doing Ricky, it's a great party you got here bud.

Hey Jules, you love a good party, don't you baby? Sexy.

It's iced tea. He's not drunk.

No kidding. Halloween 1977 Jules. You remember don't you Bubbles.

What's at work here is some sh*t tectonics when two sh*t plates strike and come together under incredible pressure. What happens Bubbles?

What Mr. Lahey?

sh*t quake! May the force be with you gentlemen.

And may I be with the force.

Oh my f*ck.

I remember Halloween 1977, like it was yesterday.

I remember everything about that night.

Well, I didn't even smoke dope back in 77, so I can tell you exactly what happened on Halloween.

I remember Halloween 1977 perfectly.

We dressed up as people from Star Wars. And I remember Julian copied off me.

I don't even remember what I dressed up as. Luke Skywalker or Dark Vader or something but Julian copied off me. Bubbles was the gold guy.

I remember that.

Had my C3P0 outfit on. I remember the way the moon was gleaming off the gold. I just wanted to get candy and Julian was on the liquor. I mean, we were only kids but he was still driving liquor into him.

Then we see Lahey coming home. He just got off duty.

Parked his car, got out. Ricky decides he wants to f*ck over his cop car.

Bubbles or Julian, I can't remember which one, it was probably Julian but I think it was Bubbles, said let's got mess around with his cop car over here.

Julian had the idea, he wanted to get into some mischief, I remember is what he called it. And he wanted to go push Lahey's car, put it out of gear and see where it would roll to.

They put the car out of gear and started pushing it.

And it picked up way more speed than they thought it would and it crashed right into a f*cking trailer. I remember thinking "Oh my god, now we did it".

And Lahey, he was a cop back then, it was his car, he ran out.

All he wanted was to take Julian's liquor cause Julian was drinking big time back then. Julian fought him for it, liquor went up, got spilled all over Lahey and his uniform. He finally got the liquor, got back to his car and was trying to get car unstuck from the trailer in reverse and liquor spilled all over his crotch.

Next thing you know, George Green shows up, he was Lahey's partner.

He's the stupidest cop there is. He thought Lahey was drunk, pissed himself.

It did look like he was drunk and pissed himself. He wasn't drunk.

I don't think he even pissed himself at all. So it was a misunderstanding.

He started saying "Now listen George, this isn't what it looks like" and George told him he was drunk and as they started arguing all that did is make Lahey look more drunk and crazier than he actually was back then.

And next thing, Lahey's under arrest and it was our fault.

It came down to two choices and Lahey, well he resigned.

I just can't believe that Julian and Bubbles, they, they ruined Mr. Lahey's life.

He lost his career, he lost his marriage, went down the tubes and he lost his mind.

Mr. Lahey used to be nice back then and we turned him into a drunk crazy lunatic.

Ted, unless I'm reinstated there's going to be law suits for wrongful dismissal, defamation of character and twenty years of retroactive salary. That's a lot of money.

There's the evidence right there. All I'm looking for is a little justice.

But you don't know anything about justice do you? None of you do.

All you know about is looking sexy in your god-damned uniforms.

Jim, calm down.

You might be real good-looking, you might work out Ted, but I'm ten times the cop that you'll ever be.

Jim, I'll guarantee you fair treatment under one condition.

What's that?

Just shut up a minute and knock off the sexy stuff.

How's Randy?

He's good Jim.

So?

Well, let me say Jim, impressive. You built a pretty strong case.

But given your history with g*ns, dynamite and public drunkenness, there's serious reluctance to reinstate you.

What's bottom line, Ted?

No promises, but I think there's enough evidence here to get you a hearing before the Police Board.

Excellent. Looking good, right?

Yeah, and I think you need to get some character witnesses to prove that those boys drove you to do what you did.

Now Jim, do you know anybody who will say anything good about you?

Bo-Bandy.