07x04 - Friends of the Road

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Trailer Park Boys". Aired: April 2001 to present.*
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Ricky and Julian are two guys whose lives were shaped by their experiences growing up in the Trailer Park. Their childhood was typical of most trailer park kids: stealing, fighting, smoking, drinking, scamming and listening to Van Halen.
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07x04 - Friends of the Road

Post by bunniefuu »

Ray: Hey buddy. Isn't she something?

Bubbles: Ray, you're two hours late.

Ray: Had to do a couple of things bud.

Bubbles: Ah! There's ladies up in my seat.

Ray: You know, they needed a ride to Maine.

I don't see it's any big deal. It's not going to slow us up.

Bubbles: They're ladies of the evening!

Ray: Friends of the road, buddy.

Bubbles: Open it up. I'll load the carts on.

No really, Ray, I'll get em. Don't worry about it.

Ray: Come on, you got her bud.

Good work Bubbs. [Clapping]

Good work buddy.

Bubbles: I was joking! I could use some help.

[music]

Julian: [shouting] Ricky, wake up!

Rick! Ricky!

Get up! [banging on door]

Ricky: Hey man. Little early, isn't it?

Julian: I gotta show you something.

Ricky: Watch where you step man, there's f*cking frogs in here again.

Julian: Here, check that out.

Ricky: [reading] Dear boys, Ray is driving me Julian: Here, give me that.

[reading] Ray is driving me to Maine to make a little money on scrap and I'm going to that train convention I told you about.

I need you to feed Shitrock and the Purr-monster. Back in a few days, Bubbles.

Ricky: Well, don't worry about it. I mean, he's with my dad. He'll be alright.

Woman 1: Want a beer, Ray?

Ray: Oh god, yes.

Thanks baby.

Mandy: How's that feel Ray?

Ray: Oh Mandy, that's perfect.

Bubbles: Ray!

Ray: Bubbs, way of the road buddy.

Way of the road.

Bubbles: Yeah, well the way of Bubbles is that I'm not missing this train convention [whispering] cause you're doing greasy stuff.

Ray: Geez, buddy, come on.

Bubbles: What time did Shitty say to meet him?

Ray: Eight o'clock in Skowhegan, buddy.

Bubbles: Eight in Skowhegan. Well listen Ray, you get drunk tonight and do your thing.

First thing in the morning, we're back on the road.

I'm not missing Sebastian, he's on at four.

Ray: Hey, Bubbs.

Bubbles: Hot hamburg sandwiches!

Ray: Equals hot "pull the f*ck over". I'm starving.

Hot hamburg sandwiches, girls.

Okay. That was great. Mandy thanks.

You're wonderful. Hey Bubbs, hey buddy.

Can you get a picture of both you and me in front of the American flag there?

Bubbs: Yeah Ray. Yeah, alright. I'll wind her up here.

Ray: Got her? In America buddy.

Bubbles: America!

Ray: Got the flag?

Bubbles: I think so. Smile.

Ray, these pictures turned out excellent.

Ray: Well that's a great sh*t Bubbs, love that one.

Hey, I like those guys. Who are those girls?

Bubbles: I was taking a picture of the truck Ray.

Ray, look, I checked stainless steel this morning.

It's going through the roof.

I mean, even after we take out rig rental, gas money, food and liquor and Shitty's cut, four grand each!

Ray: Hi!

Paradise: Hi.

Ray: I'm Ray.

Paradise: Paradise. This is Sandy Mason.

Ray: Hey Sandy, Hey Paradise. Nice meeting you.

I've got the big black rig out front, S&B on the side.

Paradise: Right, I saw it out there.

You got a, you got a mattress in there?

Ray: In the back, of course, yeah.

Bubbles: We're just passing through.

We don't have time to talk. Nice to meet ya's though.

Very nice. Ray!

Ray: Paradise!

Bubbles: Back off!

Do we gotta take somebody with us every time we leave?

Ray: It's way of the road Bubbs. You meet people.

That's what happens when you are on the road.

Bubbles: Well, can't it just be the two of us driving alone instead of ladies of the evening?

Ray: They're friends of the road Bubbs, and they're not going to be there the whole time.

Come on, Bubbs, be hospitable.

Bubbles: Ray, I didn't want to have to say this.

It's awkward and uncomfortable.

Ray, that f*cking gravy? Unbelievable!

Ray: Best gravy in all of Maine, down here buddy.

Bubbles: I don't know how they make it, it's so thick.

Ray: Oh, it's a lot of hamburger sh*t, and chicken sh*t.

They put it all together. Oh f*ck Bubbles, listen.

Can you go back and get Shitty a twelve pack of beer.

I forgot. Would you mind?

Woman: Hey there, do you boys like to party?

Bubbles: No actually, we don't like to party.

We like to get back on the road.

Ray: Actually I, I like to party. Come on.

Okay, well listen, you're going to have to be quick cause Bubbles is going to be back here any minute, okay?

Um, let me just um f*cking get rid of this. Um.

Woman: Hon, you gotta pay up front.

Ray: Yeah, yeah, okay. Let's do it.

What the f*ck is this?

Woman: You're under arrest for soliciting prostitution.

Ray: What! Soliciting prostitution. That's prostitution.

What do you think that money was for? That?

No, who the hell are you? You're not even a real cop.

This is bullshit. Ack! What are you guys doing.

Something else. Bastards.

Bubbles: [Humming]

[sound of Ray shouting]

You guys are going to hear about this.

I am a Canadian citizen. This is an illegal arrest in the United States of America. I want to drive back to Canada.

You guys are, you are going to have a lot of explaining to do.

You want to start explaining now, cause it's, there's going to be a lot of trouble. My government.

Bubbles: [groaning]

[shouting] No, I'm not going. I didn't do anything wrong.

That's horseshit and you know it. I want your name.

You're going to be hearing from my government.

I'm a citizen of the government of Canada Bubbles: f*ck!

Ray: I'm in a lot of sh*t.

Bubbles: Bubbles.

[sound of phone ringing]

Julian: Hello?

Bubbles: Julian, oh my f*ck. Ray f*cked up.

He's busted. I got no money.

I'm at a truck stop right off of airline route number Julian: Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles, slow down.

Slow down. Relax.

Bubbles: I'm in Bangor Maine, Julian.

I don't know it's a truck stop. Highway 301 or something.

I have no money. I'm scared shitless.

I don't know what to do.

You gotta come and get me. That's all there is to it.

You take the new ferry Julian, you'll be here in less than seven hours. Please, I'm scared.

Get Lucy to look after Shitrock and the Purr-monster.

Julian: Alright, alright, I promise I'll look after Shitrock and the Purr-monster. Just don't move where you're at okay. Just stay right there.

Bubbles: I'm f*cking scared Julian. Hurry up.

Julian: Just don't move from where you're at, okay?

Bubbles: Holy f*ck!

[moaning]

Ricky: Only two miles from the border.

Julian: Pull over.

Ricky: Why?

Julian: Ricky, just pull over.

Okay, get out. I'm driving.

Ricky: Why, what are you talking about?

Julian: Rick, we're crossing into the US, we gotta make sure there's no dope in this car.

Ricky: They're not going to search up there.

Julian: They're going to search everything Ricky.

Ricky: f*ck!

Julian: That would have landed us in jail for ten years.

That's not good. Keep looking.

Ricky: Are they really that f*cked down there?

Julian: They're f*cked.

Bubbles: Shitty! Shitty, it's Bubbles.

Yeah listen, bud. The rig got seized.

Ray got busted.

Yeah, whores. I think he's in deep sh*t Shitty.

I'm f*cking here all alone.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Just tell Rusty in Skowhegan, we're not going to be there.

The deal's off. I'm sorry.

Alright, you too Shitty.

Thanks bud.

Ricky: Oh man, are they ever getting f*cked over.

You're supposed to throw your dope away before you get to the border. You f*cked up.

[barking sound] Shut the f*ck up.

Julian: Ricky, are you sure there's no dope in here?

Ricky: I'm pretty sure Julian.

There's a couple of cracks and stuff, I think I got rid of all of it.

Julian: Pretty sure? Rick, you've got to be a hundred percent.

Border Guard: What's your business in the US?

Julian: Shopping at the factory outlets in Calais.

What?

Border Guard: Go ahead.

Julian: Are you sure?

Border Guard: You want me to pull you over and search your car?

Julian: No, no, that's fine.

Border Guard: Go!

Julian: Alright, thank you Officer.

Ricky: That's f*cking it?

You made me throw my dope away for that?

Now we got no f*cking dope down here.

Voice over telephone: In the movie Meatballs, who played the crazy camp counselor? One, Marlon Brando.

Two, Bill Murray, or Three, Tom Hanks.

[sound of phone beeping]

Voice over telephone: You're absolutely right. Bill Murray.

Bubbles: Ah, no kidding! That was easy.

Whoooo!

Ricky: f*ck, I hope he didn't leave.

Where the f*ck is he?

Julian: There's a phone booth.

Ricky: Holy f*ck, that's him.

He's in the phone booth.

Julian: Bubbles. [fingers snapping]

Bubbles, are you okay? Bubbs, it's us!

Bubbles: [shouting]

Ricky: Bubbs, it's us. It's okay.

We're not going to hurt you.

Julian: You're just in shock man.

Bubbles: Train convention.

Julian: Yeah, yeah, train convention, remember that?

Ricky: Julian, keep talking about the trains.

Snap him out of it. I'll get the car, alright.

Bubbles: Holy f*ck Julian. I'm tired.

I haven't slept in like twenty- five hours. Trains.

Julian: Lay down Bubbles, get some sleep.

Bubbles: I can't sleep Julian.

Ricky: Julian, we're not really going to this f*cking train convention are we?

Julian: Yes.

Ricky: I got no dope. I can't deal with f*cking training modeling with no dope.

Julian: Rick, we're doing this for Bubbles.

I'm worried about him. He needs us.

He needs to relax. Let's just try to have some fun and stop worrying about dope.

Ricky: Fine, I'll f*cking go, but I gotta find some f*cking dope, Julian.

He is f*cking banged up.

Julian: Hey Bubbs. Bubbs, wake up.

Bubbles: Reindeer, reindeer.

Julian: Wake up, buddy. We're here.

Bubbles: What? Where are we? Where's Ray?

Julian: We're at the convention.

Bubbles: Oh, let's rock some beers.

Julian: Let's go check out some trains, come on man.

Ricky: Well, let's set up camp first while we still got the light.
[loud music]

[crowd cheering]

Sebastian Bach: Hey guys! What the f*ck's going on!

Sebastian's Handler: Sebastian please, no swearing.

Sebastian Bach: Hey, who here loves trains?

I'll get ya inside. What's up dude? Hey how's it going?

How long am I going to do this?

Sebastian's Handler: Hour, hour and a half tops.

Sebastian Bach: That's all I'm giving you.

You better get me some f*cking Sebastian's Handler: I'll get you some f*cking weed.

Don't I always hook you up?

Ricky: Two bucks a pack? In jail?

f*ck, I should get arrested, come in and hang out with you.

No, I know.

Alright. Well you take care of yourself in there buddy.

Love you dad. Okay, see you.

Bubbles: How's Ray doing?

Ricky: Not too bad. He got three months, which is pretty good for whores.

Just needs some cigarette money, he's going to meet us back at the park.

Do you guys know how f*cking cheap cigarettes are here?

It's ridiculous.

Bubbles: Ricky, let's go in and look at some trains now.

Come on.

[music]

Announcer: Tyson Trains is proud to present our competitive model train world champion, Sebastian Bach.

[loud music and cheering]

Sebastian Bach: You know, I was told that I wasn't supposed to swear in here tonight.

But I know, I just know, that there is some great f*cking trains here in Bangor.

Bubbles: Oh, boys, check it out!

Decent.

Ricky: Hey, got any dope?

Hey, do you guys smoke dope?

Got any hash, bottle tokes? Smoke dope, got a roach around here? Who's got dope around here?

Julian: Smarten the f*ck up.

Bubbles: Boy, check out the train sets.

Look at the f*cking detail. Little cars, little people.

Amazing! Holy f*ck, boys.

Sebastian Bach is on stage.

That is him!

Little girl: How'd you get into model railroading Sebastian.

Sebastian Bach: Great question. Couple of tours back, me and the guys woke up one morning.

We'd stolen a model train from somewhere the night before.

Crazy f*cking night. I don't know, we didn't really remember but we set it up and geez, before we even knew it, we weren't even drinking in the daytime any more.

We were just playing with that train.

I f*cking love model train railroading man.

That's how I became a champion.

Little boy: Yeah. Who holds first place in weight pull this year?

Sebastian Bach: That would be Patrick Swayzie.

Little boy: Damn right!

Bubbles: Well Sebastian Bach and Patrick Swayzie, those guys have a rivalry going on hard and, I mean, the gossip is that Sebastian is very jealous of Swayzie's train and you can't blame him. It's a f*cking nice train.

Little boy: Is it true that you backed down from a fight with him last year?

Bubbles: Apparently Sebastian got fed up last year at the World Championships in Copenhagen, and he told Patrick Swayzie to f*ck off.

[laughing] Swayzie wouldn't f*ck off though, he challenged him to a fight right in front of everybody.

Sebastian Bach: As I told everybody, I was sick with the f*cking flu.

I didn't back down from sh*t!

Little boy: Bullshit you had the flu, you had the "I'm afraid of Patrick Swayzie".

Bubbles: You know what, Patrick Swayzie uses illegal parts.

That's why he's winning all the time.

Maybe you should stop hurting people's feelings.

Sebastian Bach: Guys, if you want to talk about Patrick Swayzie all f*cking night, then it's over for here for me right now.

Sebastian's handler: Sebastian, dude, you gotta chill with this Swayzie sh*t, alright?

Sebastian Bach: Dude, I'm kind of busy with chicks.

Alright? Alright? What are you, my mum?

Sebastian's handler: I'm glad you cheered up a little bit.

Sebastian Bach: Well, what else can we do to cheer up tonight?

Julian: Let's go check out the Swayzie Express man, come on.

Ricky: I'm just going to go to the bathroom.

Really nice to meet you.

Sebastian Bach: Hey, you know what, tell your buddy I said thanks for sticking up for me out there.

Ricky: I will, and you know what? He was wondering if you know where to get some weed. We're from Canada and can't find nothing.

We're just dying for a toke.

Sebastian Bach: I don't do dr*gs.

Ricky: Yes, you do. I saw you on the cover of High Times.

I know you smoke dope.

Sebastian Bach: I'll meet you in the parking lot, alright.

I'll see you there in about an hour or so.

Ricky: f*cking awesome.

Sebastian Bach: Here you go.

Ricky: No, I'm good thanks.

Sebastian Bach: [laughing] Yes!

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, gather round.

And witness the fantastic, the international red ribbon finalist, the custom-built, incredible Swayzie Express.

Bubbles: Trains.

Announcer: The only one in the world. The personal train of Julian: Bubbs, you okay man?

Announcer: Patrick Swayzie.

Bubbles: Fine, Julian.

Ricky: Oh Julian, if I don't find some dope soon, man, I'm going to start to go crazy. There's got to be some dope in here somewhere, fell down through the vents or something over the years. Dirty old f*cking roach.

Bubbles: Hey boys?

Ricky: f*ck!

Bubbles: I think I'm going to go stretch my legs.

Ricky: Okay Bubbs. f*cking, f*cking coming off.

Oh, where'd it go, yes!

[loud music]

Sebastian Bach: What's going on with you freaks?

Ricky: f*ck, he showed up!

My f*ck he's cool Julian.

Cool f*cking car man!

Sebastian Bach: Sorry it took so long dude.

Julian: Good to meet you man.

Sebastian Bach: Nice to meet you too.

Ricky: f*ck, we didn't think you were coming.

I ripped my whole f*cking dash out looking for dope.

Sebastian Bach: Dude, I got some dope but it's like half a f*cking gram of sh*t mall weed from the f*cking arcade.

Ricky: f*ck, well I found some great dope.

Sebastian Bach: For real?

Ricky: Yeah. I grew this myself man.

This is good f*cking Canadian dope, it'll blow your head off.

Sebastian Bach: Well dude, did you not notice that there's like gum and hair on it.

Ricky: I know, but it's awesome, trust me.

Sebastian Bach: Alright.

Cool. Where's your buddy?

That cool guy with the glasses?

Ricky: I think he went to rock a piss.

Ricky: f*ck, I can't believe you paid twelve bucks a gram for this shitty arcade dope. I'm going to smoke some more of mine.

Sebastian Bach: Righteous.

f*ck, I haven't had a dope like this in years.

f*cking years! You grew this?

Ricky: Yeah man.

Sebastian Bach: I haven't had dope like this since I was touring Europe in '88 with Scorpions.

[shouting] Hello California!

You are crazy! We are Scorpions!

Rock you like a Hurricane!!!

Sebastian's Handler: Sebastian!

Sebastian Bach: What the f*ck!

Sebastian's Handler: f*ck!

Sebastian Bach: Dude, this weed kicks my ass man.

Julian: We've got tons of that stuff back home man, here.

Sebastian Bach: Not to be a pain, but is there any chance I can buy just what you have here?

It's so hard to get good dope here these days.

Dude, there's f*cking greasy old bees on this one.

Am I paying for the bees too? What is this, f*cking honey oil?

Ricky: It was in the f*cking dash man. Sorry.

Bubbles: Hey guys.

Sebastian Bach: Oh dude.

Thank you so much for sticking up for me out there.

Bubbles: No problem, I mean. Train guys know the real deal.

It's all about respect, Mr. Bach.

Sebastian Bach: Geez, hang on a sec.

f*ck, I gotta get going man.

My wife is going to f*cking k*ll.

I really really appreciate the dope guys.

Ricky: No problem.

Sebastian Bach: You know what, it was really nice meeting you cocksuckers.

Ricky: Nice meeting you too man.

Sebastian Bach: Right on dude. Listen, take my card alright, I want you guys to give me a call, but be super cool on the phone, alright?

Bubbles: Got another one of those?

Sebastian Bach: Yeah dude, right on.

Bubbles: Decent.

Sebastian Bach: I think I'm too f*cking baked man.

Sebastian's Handler: Give me the keys.

Sebastian Bach: You're driving.

Bubbles: Boys, you know what, f*ck camping here.

Let's, let's get outta here.

Ricky: Bubbles, chill out. We're having a good time here.

Bubbles: No boys, pack it up. Let's go.

Julian: What the f*ck's wrong man?

Bubbles: Just get in the car! Let's go!

Bubbles: Ricky, Julian. Wake up, we're home.

Boys, wake up. I gotta show you guys something.

It's going to freak you out.

Boys, I don't know exactly what came over me but I just couldn't stop myself.

I had to have it.

The personal train of Patrick Swayzie.

Ricky: Bubbles, have you lost your f*cking mind?

Bubbles: No Ricky. I'm fine.
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