02x09 - Charbroiled

[bunniefuu]

I just want to tell you, Johnny, straight out of the gate, that I'm honored that you even thought to invite me to the barbecue.

So, thank you.

Everyone from work's invited, Brian.

And my dad and most of Theresa's family.

And... and I know that you're gonna be juggling a lot of plates, and I don't want to add one more scintilla of stress to the situation.

Scintilla?

What are you... Spit it out.

Can I bring Gabby?

Of course you can.

The more, the merrier.

I'm busting out my new grill that my dad got us as a housewarming gift.

It arrived?

Yesterday.

It's huge.

It's like the biggest grill I've ever seen.

[Laughs] Look at you.

Lit up like a kid on Christmas.

[Laughs] Honestly, I can't stop smiling.

My cheeks hurt.

That's now happy I am about this grill.

[Laughs]

Chicago north, multiple ambulances needed, Clark and Addison.

Ugh, Wrigleyville.

Cubs and Sox.

[Siren wails]

Ambulance 14 responding.

You know who won?

It doesn't matter.

It's gonna be a group of happy drunk assholes pissing off a group of unhappy drunk assholes.

Cubs 4 to 3.

Oh, there we go.

Whoo!

[Crowd cheering]

Yeah, whoo, guys, whoo.

Oh, yeah, ambulance.

Ambulance. Yeah, hey.

Yes, ha, ha!

Hi.

Big red box. Big red box.

Oh, man.

Oh, this is gonna be a lot of fun.

Yeah, isn't it?

[Crowd cheering]

How bad they get this time, Andy?

Ah, pretty light.

Both teams sucked this season.

So might be five or six busted-up hands, three concussions, a broken nose or two.

We only got a few ambos, so you might be hauling a full boat.

Okay.

Screw the Cubs.

White Sox stink.

[Air hisses]

Get the hell out of here.

It's nice to see traditions being handed down to the next generation.

Yeah, I love this town.

[Laughs]

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Do you have to be drunk to enter the stadium?

Cubs are a g*dd*mn embarrassment to this city.

Okay, fellas, let's keep it breezy.

We're an embarrassment?

Are you so concussed that you can't remember that your team intentionally threw a world series for money?

Come on, guys, give it a rest.

Last time you won, 106 years ago.

Think about that.

The last time the Cubs won the world series, our army still rode horses into battle.

Enough.

Though, sadly, it's true.

Also, Wrigley's a very effeminate ballpark.

Okay, now I know his brain is bruised, because Wrigley is an American classic.

All that girly Ivy on the walls?

Why don't you just hang some plants in the dugout, paint the infield dirt fuchsia, and complete the whole chick apartment experience?

Hey, I'm gonna pull this rig over if you two don't shut up.

He started it.

He really did, John.

Hey.

[Both grunt]

sh*t.

Even their fans can't hit what they're swinging at.

Yeah, funny, funny.

You know what I like about cellular park?

Nothing.

At least we don't hand out tissues on the way out.

I really don't get why people need to fight.

We're all part of the same team, the city of Chicago, which is part of a larger team known as the United States of America, which is just one part of team earth, and beyond that, you have the intergalactic federation of planets, even though there's currently no proof that it exists.

There is if you read the right publications.

We'll sidebar about this later.

It's in our nature to find differences in each other.

It's how we define ourselves.

There's no us without a them, black, white; Northside, Southside; rich, poor; fat, skinny.

Personally, I find the whole thing exhausting.

At this point in my life, I've divided the world into two groups: People who fish and fish.

[Chuckles]

Brian, people will fight about anything.

The only way people ever come together is when they find a common enemy.

I used to work in this warehouse when I was in college.

Everyone in shipping hated everyone in receiving, and the only thing they could all agree on was everyone in sales was an assh*le.

Well, they are, because they think that whatever they want, it can just magically appear whenever they want it, even if it's been backordered for three doggone months.

Did you work in shipping, Brian?

Auto parts.

A lot of our stuff had to come all the way from Japan.

Well, you're gonna see a classic "us versus them" thing in action at my barbecue this weekend.

My dad's gonna be there and Theresa's dad, a fireman and a cop.

It's gonna be a constant fight all day long.

That sh*t is ancient, tribal, which makes no g*dd*mn sense, since 80% of both of those crews are Irish.

And as we all know, the Irish have never found a single thing to fight each other over.

Are there any subjects we should stay clear of?

All of them.

Men sitting around a fire, stoking big embers of hatred, their darkest natures on full display.

I get it if you don't want to come.

Are you kidding me?

I'm gonna be there early.

Gracias, papi.

Yo, T, your dad is super excited about the barbecue.

It's, like, all he can think about.

Really?

Mm.

You talked to my dad?

No, he texted me.

You text with my dad?

You don't?

No, I didn't even know he could text.

Yeah, I taught him.

It wasn't easy, though. He's got big fingers.

I've been trying to get my dad to text for years.

Oh, yeah, taught him at the bowling alley.

You bowl with him too?

Yeah.

He's the captain of our team.

[Laughs]

And I was like, "Jerr, you ain't getting "no frozen yogurt afterwards until you send me five perfect texts, no typos."

He did it, T.

I was so proud of him.

We got three flavors of froyo that night.

Honestly, one of the best parts about dating Maeve is getting to know your father.

I think he might be like my best friend.

I haven't had a best friend in a long time.

[Engine turns over]

I don't understand.

He doesn't like anyone.

In fact, he pretty much hates everyone.

Oh, T, hate is a strong word.

Jerr don't hate anybody.

He's a Teddy bear.

In fact, I call him Jerr-bear.

He loves it.

He calls me Billy-goat.

[Cell phone dings]

Hmm.

Ooh, guess who.

Jerr-bear?

Nah, it's my cousin Bebo.

He wants to hang out later, play some Xbox.

[Overlapping chatter]

How's it going?

Hey.

This grill is amazing.

I think I'm gonna cook all of our meals on this thing, breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

You're gonna make breakfast on there.

I'm telling you, this thing can do anything.

It might have satellite capabilities.

I haven't read the entire manual yet.

Well, if it's gonna make our dads drop their stupid beef with each other, I will definitely be impressed.

This thing's great at beef.

No, I'm serious.

They have to drop their sh*t; It's exhausting.

They're not young men.

I don't see them changing.

Hey, kids.

Hey.

Hey, Frank.

Some machine, huh?

Oh, my God, it's even better than the catalog.

Everything smells delicious.

Yeah.

Here, let me help you with that.

Okay, ah.

Just a couple rules, Dad.

I'm running the show here.

This entire area is mine.

Understood, I got it.

Okay.

[Clears throat]

What?

Oh, and I'm gonna need you to put in a little extra effort with Theresa's dad today.

Oh, he's coming? That piece of...

Dad.

Oh, sorry, Theresa.

No offense.

No, here's the deal, okay?

You guys have to put an end to this cop-fireman bullshit today and be civilized human beings.

Do you understand?

You just keep me fed, I'll be a good boy.

All right, here's my dad.

I'm telling him the same thing.

Okay.

John.

Okay.

God, did he get shorter?

Cops often shrink under the weight of their own guilt.

It's a proven fact.

Come on, man.

I'm not gonna start anything.

I'm just here for a couple beers, couple burgers, couple laughs.

Look at him backing his way over here.

What?

He can't wait to poke his nose in this grill and start yapping.

Cops, they're all the same.

Nosy bastards.

Look at him, trying to sneak his way over here.

Look, I'm gonna need you to be the bigger person today.

That won't be hard.

[Laughs]

That's one of the laughs I was telling you about.

Real funny.

I thought I smelled gas.

Hey.

Here we go.

Seriously? A gas grill?

Hello, my good man.

What the hell is wrong with you?

sh*t.

Mac, what the hell is that?

Special kind of hurricane.

I got the recipe when I was tending bar in New Orleans.

Locals used to dump it on graves, keep the evil away.

How come you didn't bring hot Doug... I mean Doug?

We broke up.

Turns out it's really hard to maintain the intensity that you get with Internet communication.

You wouldn't know what I'm talking about there.

It's a whole new thing.

Actually, I would.

I was snooping around one time on a website dedicated to smallmouth bass and other lake fish.

Next thing I know, I'm in a heated email exchange with a woman named Shelley.

Started off debating over live bait and lures and ended up with an intense declaration of love.

Turns out Shelley was a dude, huh?

Yep.

Got catfished on a fishing site.

[Laughs]

I ain't judging nobody.

Oh, Brian and Gabby are here.

Oh, good.

Good.

That Gabby.

What a smile, right?

Yeah.

Sure lights up a room, or a backyard.

Lights up a whole backyard.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Honey, you might want to start with a smaller cup.

I'm fine, you guys.

Uh-huh.

Damn.

Somebody's dancing with the hurricane.

Hey, Voo.

Where's Doug?

We broke up.

Hey, Gabby.

That's a cute top.

I don't think I've ever seen you out of your nurse's uniform.

You look good.

These are awesome.

You should go get some.

Maybe share one.

Hank.

I need your help.

With what?

I need you to tell me something.

Okay.

Do you think my son Carter is a gay?

How would I know that, Bridget?

Just listen.

He's in the high school theater program.

He doesn't like sports.

Okay.

He has a high-pitched laugh.

I think he's gay, but I wanted a professional opinion.

I'm not getting a gay vibe from him.

I don't think he is.

Statistically speaking, he should be.

They say that one out of every ten people is gay.

Now, my other nine kids are straight, so that leaves just Carter.

That's not exactly how it works, and having stereotypically gay interests doesn't make him gay.

Can you be a dear and investigate for me?

You know, you could just ask him yourself, considering he is your son and all.

I've told Carter it's okay if he's gay.

The new priest at our church is accepting of alternative lifestyles.

Uh-huh.

My friend Maura's son came out of the closet and got a standing ovation at the 10:30 Mass, and that is the Mass.

Oh, if only he could come out then.

But listen to me go on and on.

This isn't about me.

It could be any Mass.

Christmas Eve would be a crowd-pleaser.

Could you just talk to him?

Okay, I'll look into it for you.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Damn shame.

How can you find one possible flaw with this magnificent machine?

Its existence is its flaw.

It's a gas grill.

It should never have been.

What is wrong with a gas grill?

You get no char.

The char is where the flavor is.

You need to flip that one.

Don't flip that burger.

You'll let the juices out.

He let the juices out when he bought a gas grill.

This grill is top of the line.

Tell him how much it cost, Johnny.

Both of you let it drop.

Look, what does it matter?

I mean, a grill is a grill, as long as it uses charcoal.

That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

This baby has four different cooking zones including rotisserie and a searing burner.

That's a very expensive grill.

I know how much it costs.

I saw it in the catalog next to the self-rotating wine rack in the expensive, useless sh*t section.

You should've just bought a cheaper grill and cooked the money.

Both of you shut it and try a burger.

I guarantee you you're not gonna miss any char in this bad boy.

Mmm, this burger is perfection, son.

Jerry, tell me that's not a juicy burger.

Hey, Jerr, I got the burgers you asked for, brother.

Billy Cepeda to the rescue!

Always.

What the hell is this?

Hey.

What's up, y'all?

Hey.

Where should I put my pastelón?

Your what?

My pastelón.

I learned to make it when I went to Puerto Rico with Billy.

Yeah, it's delicious.

This thing's got beef.

It's got cheese.

It's got plantains.

Oh, I had that once.

It's good.

Banana lasagna.

[Chuckles]

The thing about Puerto Rican cuisine which I love is that it's hearty, healthy, and it tastes good.

It's not empty calories, like American food.

Did you make that yourself, sweetheart?

I basically did.

I was in the kitchen with Billy's mom and Ebola.

Oh, there's Ebola in that.

Ebola is Spanish for "grandmother," Theresa.

God.

Learn a foreign language.

I mean, it's good to know about other people's cultures too.

It's actually pronounced abuela, babe.

Ebola is a disease, Maeve.

Excuse me, Theresa.

I've been out of the country.

I'm sorry I'm not up to date on the new American diseases.

Can you just put it on the table, please?

Can I have a serving spoon, Theresa?

You know where the spoons are, Maeve.

I do, but I'm a guest.

[Inhales deeply]

Fine.

Americans.

Hey, y'all got to try some of this pastelón.

It's amazing.

We will, Billy.

All right.

I texted Billy as soon as I smelled the poisonous gases emanating from this overpriced monstrosity.

Are you kidding me with this sh*t?

[Laughs]

Mmm.

So good.

You smell that char?

I don't need char.

See the juices coming out of this?

You texted Billy?

Yeah, he taught me how to text.

Oh, the kid is dynamite.

We hang out all the time.

Only been asking you to hang out for three years or so.

What would we talk about?

We got nothing in common.

Yeah, kid.

You never planted dr*gs on a suspect.

You know, I always regret not having a job where I got to sleep in a room with a bunch of other men four nights a week.

You know what?

I'm not getting sucked into the middle of this.

I almost did, but I'm not.

I'm having a great time with my grill, making burgers.

Hey, keep eyes on Voo.

Voodoo can handle herself.

She's gonna be fine.

You don't know my punch.

Rolling stones came into my bar after a show one night, and halfway through his third round of that stuff, Keith Richards pissed himself in the middle of the bar.

Keith Richards.

I doubt it was his first time.

Maybe I should go talk to her.

Think that'd be okay?

Yeah, I think it'd be nice.

She usually listens to me.

Young people, stop.

Stop. Listen to me.

When someone's trying to work through their sh*t, let 'em work through their sh*t.

Then call 'em a cab if they need one.

Voodoo, keys.

Grab those for me, Kevin.

Thanks.

Mmm.

This is fantastic.

No way you made it.

Of course not.

Don't tell Theresa.

Okay, you owe me.

Hey, sorry about my mom.

Yeah, I saw her talking your ear off before, and I'm pretty sure I can guess what it was about.

You can, can you?

Yeah, she tells everybody she thinks I'm gay.

[Sighs]

Look, it's a hard thing for a lot of parents to wrap their mind around.

Yeah, no, I know.

Uh...

Can I tell you a secret?

Sure.

I'm not gay.

Okay.

Why is that a secret?

Because my mom thinking I'm gay is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Okay, I'm the only high school kid I know who's allowed to have sleepovers with girls.

I banged this one chick in her own bed last night, and her parents were home.

It's off the hook.

They... they brought us breakfast in the morning.

For real?

Damn straight.

No pun.

See, at first, I was pissed my parents thought I was gay because I don't like sports and grilling and all that manly crap.

You know what I do like, though?

p*ssy.

Holy sh*t, you're a genius.

You're like a Stephen Hawking brain with a working d*ck genius.

Appreciate that.

I'm proud of you, man.

Genius.

Man.

Sure you don't want me to call you one of those "you-bers"?

What the hell?

Stats, look at these branches just hanging over into the yard.

Your tree has crossed the line!

It's okay.

Why are you okay with this?

You're like Mrs. Rules... Ms. Rules.

What? No, I'm not.

Yeah.

Yeah, you are.

Don't worry, I'll take care of it, miss rules.

These branches are unacceptable.

Whoa, wait, where are you going?

Where you fear to tread, Mr. rules.

That's not my name.

Oh, man.

That's a tasty burger, bro.

Thank you, Billy.

Mm-hmm.

It's juicy because it's not dried out from the charcoal.

Dad.

You know, it's kind of ironic that a fireman's afraid to cook with real fire.

Dad.

It's different from being a cop.

You can't taser an unarmed fire.

They always like this?

Yeah, they hate each other.

Nah, Jerr-bear don't hate no one.

Jerr-bear?

He's the only one allowed to call me that.

Oh.

Hey!

There's nobody here.

What the hell?

Voo.

What are you doing up there?

There's nobody home.

I let myself in.

They got some really nice stuff in here.

[Loud crash]

Does anybody have glue?

A lot of glue.

Um...

I'm gonna go get her.

I'll be right back.

Gabby, if you and Brian ever break up, and he starts chugging hurricanes, let him work out his own sh*t.

Oh!

Who messed with the heat on this burner?

It was too low.

It's a grill, not a tanning bed.

The heat was perfect.

It was too low.

It needs more heat.

We're trying to get some char.

All right, that's the last time you say "char" today.

All right, these are the words that are banned for the rest of the day.

Char.

Charcoal.

Fire.

Firefighter.

Cops, gas, and juicy. Got it?

Got it.

How about you, Jerr-bear?

I told you.

All right, you know what?

Kitchen's closed.

Theresa, would you like to join me for a hurricane?

I would love that.

A strong hurricane.

Are you happy now?

Char.

You want some char?

Why don't you put your fat ass on here, and I'll char it up for you!

Voo.

Voodoo.

Hey, Voo.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Just looking for a big-ass Kn*fe to cut down that tree.

Um...

I think you may have had too much punch.

You have a punch mustache.

I know that.

Don't you think I know about my punchstache?

I love my punchstache.

People compliment me on it.

Everyone but you.

Let's just go back to the party, huh?

You think that'd be best?

I do.

Well, too bad.

Because you can't control hurricane Voodoo.

All you can do is ride the wind.

Hurricane force wind, category awesome.

Voo, stop it. Stop.

Stop it. Don't.

Hey, why are you even here?

Shouldn't you be with Gabbigale?

I'm here because you seem upset, and I care about you.

I know.

I know you do, Brian.

It's just... it's hard.

I know, right?

But we're gonna be good.

Yeah?

Yeah.

We'll figure it out.

Eventually.

But for now...

There's nobody home, so it's jump on the bed with me time.

No.

Yeah.

Voodoo, come on.

We are trespassing right now.

Here, watch this.

Karate. [Grunts]

[Dull thud]

Voodoo, you okay?

Did that look cool?

So what did you find out about Carter?

I think he's just figuring stuff out.

Aha.

That's code for gay.

I don't know about that, but I do know your son is a genius.

Carter? No.

I love that boy, but, believe me, he's no genius.

I don't think he ever brought home anything better than a b-minus on a report card.

Tell him no more sleepovers until he gets straight as, I guarantee you those grades will skyrocket.

Oh, he's a genius.

[Laughs]

I didn't think I was drunk, but now that I'm upside down, whoo!

Hey.

Hey, what's up with the grill?

Ooh, Johnny, Johnny, grill.

Fine.

It's gonna be fine.

What you want to do is...

It's... I got it.

It's gonna be fine.

Fuego!

No, don't.

[Overlapping shouting]

Call the fire department.

Call an ambulance.

Notice no one said, "call the cops."

[Groans]

You call that a burn?

That's first degree, at best.

You check this out.

That's second degree, borderline third.

Maybe second degree, but it's tiny.

I've seen bigger sunburns.

Mine's going down my hand.

I'm in skin graft territory here.

Oh, yeah, that's some nice char you got there, John.

See, that's the color you want your chicken.

Nah, you fry a chicken.

Why would you do that to a perfectly innocent bird?

Beer can up its ass over wood.

Hey, doc.

How much longer we looking at here?

Uh, I don't know. Ask a nurse.

Ballpark.

Nurse.

Oh.

Both: Doctors.

So arrogant.

They think they're friggin' gods.

Half the time, they're just guessing.

"Half the time," that's being generous.

The toughest part of a doctor's day is changing his tee time.

Yeah.

Deciding between steak and lobster.

They just order both.

They do.

Pigs.

Both: Bastards.