01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ Brand-new dandy ♪
♪ First-class scene stealer ♪
♪ Walks through the crowd and takes your man ♪
♪ Sends you rushing to the mirror ♪
♪ Brush your eyebrows and say ♪
♪ There's more beauty in you than anyone ♪
♪ She'll take the worry from your hair ♪
♪ But then again she put trouble in your heart instead ♪
♪ Then you'll fall down to the ground ♪
♪ Down to the ground... ♪

I don't think I've seen a picture of your husband before.

Yes, darling, him pass away 23 years ago.

Me not think about him a lot, you know, but lately him come into me mind, so me bring out him picture.

Is that an urn next to the picture?

Don't worry, it's not my husband, that's my dog.

Him pass away five years now. Noah.

Oh, Noah, that's a great name for a dog, isn't it?

I bet you've been a bit lonely since then, haven't you, love?

Not really because me 'ave me good frien' Jesus Christ.

Jesus help me through the dark times.

Jesus fill me up with joy and wonder.

Jesus is my saviour.

And the lickle Jewish man next door, 'im buy me chicken and ting.

That's a very nice arrangement.

You've got God for your spiritual needs and a little man to help you with your shopping.

Couldn't be better, could it? I'm a bit jealous.

But you must keep on top of your medication, cos I don't want things slipping back like they did in the past.

I know you're right, darling, but sometimes me forget.

Hello?

That's him now.

Is anyone home?

Not Jesus, the lickle Jewish man...

Hello. I'm Maurice. There's nothing going on between us.

Hello, Maurice, I'm Liz. Very nice to meet you.

Lorrie's just been telling me all about you.

All good, I hope. Pleased to meet you.

I've seen you coming and going before, and I finally plucked up the courage to introduce myself.

Yes, I generally like to keep an eye on Lorrie... make sure she's taking her medication.

Don't worry, there's no ulterior motive. Yes, no.

Yes. Oh, excuse me, bit of an itch there.

Because obviously, in a perfect world, I'd like to... how can I put it? Walk out with Lorrie.

But there are so many barriers, aren't there?

I mean, what would the black community make of a Jewish man like me?

And what would the Jewish community make of me walking out with a Caribbean lady?

I don't know. Life can be very complicated, can't it?

Maurice, you're making me vex, man.

Yes, Maurice, it's very good to meet you but I'm trying to help Lorrie here.

Yes, I know.

It's wonderful that you're friends...

Yes, we are.

I mean, I'd do anything for her and I'm sure she'd do anything for me, if I asked her. Which I haven't, but I fully intend to in the future.

Tell the lickle man to go now and mind fe him business.

Yes.

I know you're trying to help, Maurice...

Oh, I am.

... but Lorrie needs some peace.

Oh, I know.

I mean, she needs some time by herself and I'm very aware of that.

Yes, if you just pop home now and maybe come back later or tomorrow.

Exactly. I'll go.

And make us all a nice cup of tea, see if I can help in any way.

I'll start by tidying these bags up here.

Pop them over there like that.

And that tea-towel, I'm sure that's got a home.

A place for everything and everything in its place.

God give me the strength!

Good-quality cotton, actually, Egyptian, probably.

There's a co-incidence, what with Moses leading the tribe of Israel out of Egypt, and that, of course, was adopted by the African-Americans as an allegory for their own struggles, though they added a wonderful musical dimension...

♪ Tell those Pharaohs to let my people go... ♪

Get out, you idiot!

I'll pop the kettle on.

Thanks for coming here, though, and curing me.

I mean, do you go round saying, "Yeah, that's my job, looking after the mad, sad people," yeah?

And then you can go home and go, "Thank God I'm not like that," yeah?

Well, how do you know I'm not like that?

What's this, then? The blind leading the blind?

The mad leading the mad?

Well, no, because I've had training.

But, you know, I've issues to deal with in my life.

And that's why I went into this sort of work.

Oh, look, there's some tissues.

Shall we have a big old cry together, you know what I mean?

Let's compare horror stories from our childhood, shall we?

And I'll do a bit of counselling on you.

Well, you have got a lot of insight, Graham.

Yeah, well... look at me, though.

I can barely get out of my flipping bed most days, you know what I mean?

And when I get down, I just eat more and so it just, like, becomes a vicious circle cycle.

Well, I think we've got some hard decisions to make here.

Ooh! Change of tone.

(He sniggers)

Well, we know your depression and illnesses are generally related to your weight issues.

All right!

But I think you'd be a lot happier if you get some weight off and take some exercise.

Exercise is a very useful tool for combating depression.

But I think there's an underlying emotional issue that we both need to confront.

Her.

Yes. Your mother.

Now, I know she means well, but some of the food she prepares for you is not helping you.

It might feel good in the short term, but...

Point of order, though, leap to Mum's defence.

Recently I've cut out the Cocoa Pops and the Sugar Puffs, right, and replaced them with Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.

So Mum says that I can now have chocolate milk.

And that is a result. Touch.

Well, it's not a result, is it?

And I think both you and your mum know that.

Have you told her we need to talk about this?

Mum!

Mum!

Oh, I've been summoned, have I?

She wants a word with you.

Oh, yeah?

Yes, Mrs Downes.

Oh, call me Janet, Nurse.

Janet, unless Graham fundamentally alters his diet, his condition is not going to improve.

Now, I know you're a very caring mother...

No, she ain't... ha-ha-ha!

Oh, shut up, you!

Well, let's try not to shout here.

I'll shout at my own son in my own house if I want...

Don't fight over me. I love you, Mum.

I love you too, Nurse...

Janet, your relationship has elements of unhealthy mutual dependency.

(He snorts)

You're feeding him all this food which isn't good for him, and you're reinforcing that dependency and infantilising him.

See, it's your fault.

I don't know what you're saying, but it sounds like I'm being picked on here.

Well, Graham's cross with you cos you're overfeeding him with all this unhealthy food and ultimately it's causing him serious health problems, both physically and mentally.

Remember me?

Oh, shut up, Graham!

What exactly are you saying, Nurse?

You don't know what it's like for me looking after him.

He can't even reach his own...

All right, all right!

I'm still here.

Yes, I do bleeding know, cos you're not going anywhere, are you?

Lucky for you, cos if I did, you'd be on your bleeding own, wouldn't you?

Right. Let's have a break.

Have a break, have a Kit-Kat. (He sniggers)

Janet, I think YOU need some help.

Me?! He's the 25-stone lump who won't get out of bed, watching all that muck he watches on the computer.

I can only guess what it is, given the state of his sheets.

All right, all right.

You've got my every sympathy, love.

You've got a lot on your plate.

Not as much as me. Ha-ha!

Shut up!

It's a very difficult situation, but you've both got to understand that you've colluded to create Graham's condition.

Come on, Janet. We'll get this sorted, love.

All right, Janet?

(SHE WHIMPERS) No!

Come on, love.

This seems to be going very well, doesn't it(?)

Music: I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry by Hank Williams

♪ That means he's lost the will to live ♪
♪ I'm so lonesome I could cry. ♪

It's about the only time I've been out in the last three months, cos I don't really like going out.

We were going to the Pizza Express in Soho.

As we've come round the corner, this homeless bloke pointed at me cowboy boots and gone, "Oi, mate, where are you going, Wyoming?"

(She laughs)

I didn't find it funny.

Cos I think they look quite smart, you know.

I don't even know the geezer.

I mean, people have always taken the piss out of me, cos I like country music.

"Rockabilly Billy", they used to call me.

I think he was just being playful with you, trying to start a conversation. That's OK.

That's what people are like. I don't think he meant any harm.

I mean, I'm good natured, you know. I just let it go, right?

But if he'd said that to Kenny Blundell, Kenny would have gone over there and gone, "You what?"

And he'd have opened him up.

That's why I don't like going out. There's too many nutters.

Mind you, there's at least one in this room.

Well, I don't like to think of people as nutters.

I just think people have got problems and that's what we're dealing with.

Yeah, well, in some ways, prison's easier than this, you know what I mean?

There's structure and order, I suppose, but I wouldn't...

That's what I like about it, you know.

Out here, you have to do everything yourself, right?

And then there's women, right?

I mean, they can be very difficult, if you don't mind me saying so.

You can say what you like. That's why I'm here.

Well, what about if you did something at a fixed time every week, you know, no surprises? Like the cinema.

Nah, I don't go to the pictures. Why would I go to the pictures?

People pissing about on their mobiles.

I'd have to tell 'em to stop and then who knows what might happen.

Popcorn. I mean, that stinks, popcorn.

That is disgusting, and the mess everywhere, you know?

They're worse than animals.

I thought I might get meself a dog, as it goes, you know?

Don't take this the wrong way, right?

But they're easier than women.

They're more loyal. My wife, right? She said she'd wait for me.

I did a four-year stretch.

She never. Changed her mind.

Imagine throwing away all this, eh?

Still, I can't blame her, I suppose.

Relationships are difficult at the best of times, without all the uncertainty in YOUR life.

Yeah. She always was a bit of a slag.

Billy!

Well, it's true.

Have you been out this week, or has it still been too difficult?

No, I went out the day before yesterday, as it goes.

Oh, that's great! So encouraging, Billy!

Where did you go?

All right, calm down, I ain't finished yet, f*ck's sake.

Sorry, Billy.

I got halfway down the stairs and I heard some kids shouting.

I don't know if they was shouting at me, but I didn't like it.

So I come back.

(Door closes)

Oi-oi. All right, Bill. Got your shopping here.

All right, Tone.

Who are you?

Oh, hello.

Social worker?

No.

Probation Officer? Nacro? You look like one.

All right, Tone. This is Liz, she's my, um...

Go on, you tell him.

CPN. Actually, it's Community Mental Health Nurse now.

Yeah, he is mental, he's a nutter.

Well, I don't like to refer to people in that way.

But this is important time for Billy and me.

So if you wouldn't mind coming back in 15 minutes?

Listen to me, darlin', I just done a five stretch.

I could've give them a name and got out in ten months.

But I never. So anything said in here, stays in here.

It's not very helpful for Billy.

What you talking about?

He won't go out so I've done his shopping. He's a nutter and I'm helping him.

Did you get the coconut milk?

Yeah, I got the West Indian one. 90 pence.

Blinding. I'm going to make a curry later.

I done a cookery course inside.

Yeah, you're a good cook, Bill.

Maybe that Jamie Oliver would take you on.

Yeah.

Or that bald w*nk*r off MasterChef. He fancies himself a bit, don't he?

(He chuckles)

Yeah, maybe you SHOULD go.

Yeah, I think that's a good idea, if you don't mind.

No, I mean you.

Oh. Well, if that's what you want, Billy.

Yeah, it IS what I want, yeah.

Guess what I've got.

What's that?

Game Of Thrones. Second season.

Brilliant. Get it on. We'll watch the lot, back-to-back.

All right, I'll see you next week.

I'll start on the curry after the first ep...

A lot of the birds in this are p*rn stars, Bill.

Yeah? Well, don't go having a polish in front of me, Tone.

(They snigger)

I'm just eating a healthy beetroot salad.

Anyway, sorry I missed your call, darling, I was with a service user.

But you know you shouldn't be using your phone at school, and I said to you this morning, didn't I, I'd help you with your homework?

As long as it's not quadratic equations or fractions, I don't mind.

I'm not very good at those.

And what was this... you were going on about this form?

I don't know which form you're talking about.

This is such a long message so I'm going to go now, all right?

Love you loads, see you later, bye!

(She breathes in and out)

Ooh, it's a bit smelly in here. You need a bit of fresh air.

(Cat meows)

It's a bit stiff, this door.

Yeah, suppose.

Ooh, that's better. I can breathe now.

How have you been, then, love?

I've been all right, I suppose.

Has anyone been to see you?

Next door. She come in.

She took me up the crematorium.

Oh, and how was that?

It was all right, I suppose.

And did she come and help you with the litter trays?

Yeah.

Well, maybe she could come back again cos they're a bit full, aren't they?

Are they?

Yeah.

They look like they've stopped using them, to me.

I suppose.

I'll pop in on my way back.

Could you give her this list for me?

Ooh!

That's Major Tom. You're sitting in his chair.

I hope that's all I'm sitting in. Now, this list...

It just says "cat food".

That's right.

Well, do you want something for yourself?

If it's good enough for my little darlings, it's good enough for me.

Music: Ride A White Swan by T Rex

♪ Riding on out like a bird in the skyways ♪
♪ Riding on out like you were a bird ♪
♪ Flying on out like an eagle in a sunbeam ♪
♪ Riding on out like you were a bird... ♪

Marc Bolan there. Right bloody short arse.

Don't get me wrong, I like that song, but when I first met him in 1965, he had straight hair, tweed jacket.

I was the first person in the county of Hampshire to wear a satin jacket.

Wait a minute, Raymond, full disclosure, I don't know everyone in the county of Hampshire, but I doubt anyone b*at me to the satin.

There you go, my autobiography "From Satin to Statin".

Ha-ha-ha. That sold about eight copies.

I'll sign one for you if you like.

Anyway, bloody Bolan, bloody elfin, bloody ripped off my whole look.

I done make-up first. I done glitter first.

Cos back then everyone pretended to be bisexual.

I mean, look at us. We look like a bunch of girls in our nan's make-up.

Lovely, Ray, but I HAVE got to...

Listen to this.

(HE PLAYS RIFF) Jeepster, that was one of his. I remember Steve Priest out The Sweet on Top Of The Pops. He wore a h*tler moustache and a n*zi armband.

You imagine Himmler and Goebbels watching Top Of The Pops... not that they would, I suppose, what would they have made of him?

Cos he didn't exactly fit the Aryan ideal. Camp as bloody Christmas.

Now, Raymond...

Bisexuality's fallen out of favour recently, hasn't it?

At least amongst men.

Not women, though, they love it! Especially after a bit of coke, they'll try anything!

Most of my girlfriends have swung both ways, including two of my ex-wives.

Angie, my last one, she was a terror, she was the worst.

She was forever bringing women home, but I got what she called the "minge benefits".

What about you, Nurse? You ever done it?

Dined at the "Y", as they call it? None of my business, I suppose?

Look at that. Ain't it beautiful? I put a pickup on it, play it through that Marshall stack and run it through the effects board.

That's got fuzz, wah-wah, flange, echo, phase, reverb.

Anything you want and a few things you probably don't want.

I tell you what, that is going to be the cornerstone of my new album. Old meets new.

So far it sounds sh*t, but I know it's going to work... I mean they all want to be on it, Adele, Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton... that w*nk*r out the Arctic Monkeys... they all want to play on it cos they can hear it, they can see it, they can feel it... and they... f*cking...

Ray, it's time for your medication.

Yeah.

Sharp scratch.

♪ Don't you want me, baby? ♪
♪ Don't you want me... ? ♪

(Phone rings)

Hello, darling.

No!

Osmosis is the one, say you've got like a sausage in a pan of water, and the water goes through the sausage skin and the sausage gets bigger... with the water, yeah.

By osmosis. That's it.

We've got some sausages in the fridge, you can try it if you like.

OK. I'll see you later.

Oh, I forgot I found that form.

The trip to Canterbury form. Sorry. My fault, yeah.

Bye!

Hello, Nurse. Come in.

Hello, Gary. How's it going?

Well, nothing changes, really. She's like she always is.

(Television blares)

Who are you? And who's that with you?

Are you getting married?

It's me, the CPN. I come every week. Can you turn that down?

You'll have to turn the telly down, darling, I can't hear a word you're saying.

(He turns tv down)

It's them across the road, that makes the telly loud.

Turks, I think they are.

Who are you? My son never comes round.

He hasn't been round for three weeks.

Mum, I live here.

What's the matter with the telly?

Shall we go and put the kettle on?

Yeah. Mum, just going to go and make a cup of tea.

Be back in a minute, all right?

Sorry, I'm finding it really difficult at the moment, you know, because she says the same thing over and over again, you know?

I danced...

I danced in front of the Queen Mum when I was seven...

And then she says it again...

Did I tell you that I danced in front of the Queen Mum when I was seven?

And obviously I try and humour her. I don't say, "Yeah, you've told me that already, Mum," and she says...

You know I danced in front of the Queen Mum when I was seven?

And then again...

That reminds me. I danced in front of the Queen Mum when I was seven!

Then she might stop, you know, for five minutes... before...

I danced in front of the Queen Mum when I was seven, and she said I was charming.

By now I want to smack her round the head with a chair and say, "I know that, you told me that 50 times already today.

I know you danced in front of the bloody Queen Mother. Shut up!

You don't mean that.

No, course not.

But, you know, I don't think it's going to get any better, I'm afraid.

At least she can do the basics herself, takes a bit of pressure off you, but the time will come when she's actually better off in secure accommodation.

Better for both of you.

Well, I dunno. Let's take her her tea anyway.

What's the matter with you?!

♪ Cup of tea, cup of tea... ♪

There you go, Mum.

I was just telling Liz here that you danced in front of the Queen Mum when you were seven.

Who are you?

Yeah, I lie awake at night, worrying about Moyesie counting all his money.

Hold up, here comes Florence Nightingale.

Hello, officers of the law.

Hey, Nurse, did you lose any sleep over Man United's troubles last season?

Ooh, no, I've got no interest in football, I'm afraid.

She's got no interest in football, mate.

So we were round at Ku Klux Kevin's this morning.

Well, I prefer to call him Kevin Stone.

Yeah?

He called us lesbians.

You're not though, are you?

No, we're just different.

He was abusing members of the public using racial terms.

Councillor for Ukip, apparently.

He was shouting the place down so we brought him in for his jabs. He's nicked now, though, so that's one less appointment you need to worry about.

You been inside his flat? Oh, my days.

Yeah, I have.

Needs bloody fumigating, that place.

Stinks like...

Both: Like sh*t.

It's not as bad as some I've seen.

Now, do you know a criminal called Tony Beckton?

Yeah, we know a "criminal" called Tony Beckton, yeah.

He'd sell his own Nan for 20p.

Well, can you arrest him for something? Cos he's ruining my sessions with Billy Redmond.

I suppose we can fit Beckton up on some dodgy charge, couldn't we, Dave?

If it goes wrong, we'll blame you in court.

Oh, great. Thanks(!)

You're joking, right? I mean...

Yeah, I'm joking.

Yeah, I am!

All right, just being clear.

Yeah. Obviously I'm joking. Yeah! Course we're joking.

New York accent: We're joking.

No, fair enough, it's just probably not the case for, um... do you know what I mean?

New York accent: We're joking here, Dave.

It's a bit inappropriate.

"It's inappropriate to joke."

(She laughs)

It's people's lives, is what I'm saying, so...

New York accent: "It's people's lives!"

It IS people's lives.

It is people's lives, yeah.

New York accent: But we're only joking!

We are!

Right. I'm going to get a cup of coffee.

New York accent: Get a cup of coffee, Dave. Don't you like the jokes?

Americans.

I know.

You ever been to America?

No, I haven't.

Have you not? You can just drive and you don't see anybody... no people, just road.

What were you doing there, then?

Disneyland.

Oh!

Massive.

Music: La Forza del Destino by Verdi Now, Herbert, you didn't come into the clinic for your medication.

Yes, well, you know, the medication is helpful in many ways.

But life's very dull without my... voices.

It's very boring, there's no-one to talk to, and everything drags.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace.

A tale told by an idiot...

Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

Very good.

I did Macbeth for A-Level. Now, you can't avoid your medication, so I'm going to give you your injection here.

I get very lonely without my voices.

They're my only real friends these days.

We have a lot of fun and interesting times together.

Yes. And they told you to throw the bottle at the postman, didn't they?

(He laughs)

And they told you to steal that dog food from the supermarket.

And I don't even own a dog.

Do I?

No, you don't own a dog, Herbert.

Now, I don't want you getting in any more trouble with the police, so come on, kit off.

Oh, very well. Goodbye, my friends, at least for a while.

Right, then.

Which side did I do it last time?

I don't know.

Just find a soft bit and jam it in there.

Did I say that or did I just think it?

Pardon?

Something came and then it went, like last time.

And now it's gone.

Why am I here?

Not in an existential way, but how did I get here?

Herbert, come on. Let's get you back in your chair.

That's it, come on, sit down.

Stop fussing!

Tell me, my dear, what does your husband do?

Not a lot these days.

Oh?

Well, he used to be a policeman.

Did he? An upholder of the law.

Well...

A man with moral certainty.

It's a very attractive refuge for many women.

But as one gets older, and hopefully wiser, one becomes less certain and less dogmatic.

Maybe that's what happened to him.

"The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity."

Yeats. I used to write to him a lot.

I haven't heard from him in years.

Well, that's not surprising, Herbert.

Oh, God. This world.

Are you all right?

Well... she buggered off.

Herbert...

Herbert...

Do you believe in romantic love?

Because I don't, but it's forever catching me out.

I loved her...

... but because of my previous wayward behaviour, philandering and so forth, most of my friends didn't think I was actually capable of love.

And as for her...

... she actually thought rather less of me when I told her how deeply I felt about her.

It's ironic, really, because a lot of others would have loved me to have responded how I did to her.

So, in a sense, and like everyone, really, I'm a prisoner of my past.

Herbert, that must have been so difficult for you.

Right, that's enough self pity from this old fool.

My dear, I really do need to masturbate now.

Don, yeah, it's fine if you come round and pick up the golf clubs.

Yeah, it'd be great if you could stop and say hello to the girls.

You really do need to start making proper arrangements with them, you know, like same time every week.

(SHE SNIFFS) It's got to be regular, Don, cos they're missing you!

No, I'm not bloody missing you!

Look, I've got to go, all right?

See you, then, bye.

(She sighs)

(She rings bell)

Lorrie?

Lorrie, it's Liz, are you in there?

Lorrie? Oh...

Hello, Nurse, don't mind me.

She's just through there in the sitting room.

I'm actually on my way out.

Hello, Maurice. Well, obviously I do need some private time with Lorrie.

Oh, yes.

Cos we've got a lot to talk about.

Of course.

Mainly you.

Oh!

That was a joke.

Oh, ha-ha-ha, good humour. I'm actually on my way out.

If you'd just like to follow me, and take a seat there, please.

I know where I'm going, Maurice, I was here last week.

Hello, Lorrie.

Mornin', Nurse, me can't rid meself of this lickle fellow.

Him remind me of what dem call a... Hobbit?

Yes, Maurice, you're like a Hobbit, or a good-natured limpet.

Oh, no, not seafood. That's proscribed in Leviticus.

Though, as a matter of fact, we were just discussing the small matter of Christianity and my own religious observance.

The old religion, of course.

People of the Book, as the Prophet Mohammed referred to us.

But we're a patient bunch, you know. We're still waiting for our messiah.

You've already had yours.

But look at me, lumping you in with Lorrie here.

For all I know, you could be a Scientologist or even a Jedi.

(He laughs)

Well, I'm not very patient, Maurice.

No. And I've spoken to you about this before.

Yes.

Now, this is Lorrie's time with me.

Of course.

You know, sometimes you wait half an hour for a messiah and then three come along at once.

That's one of my favourite jokes.

God give me the strength to rise up from me chair and smite this lickle man from my door.

Get out!

Right, time I was on my way.

Shall I pop the kettle on before I go?

Get out! Lorrie!

Message received. I'll pop back with some Superglue to fix that...

Stop that!

And that one. You won't see the join.

♪ Take to your bed ♪
♪ You say there's peace in sleep ♪
♪ But you'll dream of love instead ♪
♪ But, oh, when you fall ♪
♪ Oh, when you fall ♪
♪ Fall at my door. ♪