01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

♪ Brand-new dandy ♪
♪ First-class scene stealer ♪
♪ Walks through the crowd and takes your man ♪
♪ Sends you rushing to the mirror ♪
♪ Brush your eyebrows and say ♪
♪ There's more beauty in you than anyone ♪
♪ She'll take the worry from your head ♪
♪ But then again ♪
♪ She put trouble in your heart instead ♪
♪ Then you'll fall ♪
♪ Down to the ground ♪
♪ Down to the ground. ♪

Did you have a look at those leaflets I left last time, Graham, on diet and nutrition?

Erm... Yeah, I did.

And me mum, God rest her soul.

She ain't actually dead yet, but she will be soon, because I will commit pesticide!

I know it's matricide really, yeah.

I love my mum.

Yeah, and she has got me on a diet.

And is it helping you, Graham?

Erm... well...

Yeah, probably.

Cos last time I saw you, you said you were having quite violent mood swings.

You'd even thought about harming yourself.

All right!

I'm not like a 14-year-old girl, you know.

Sometimes I get very down, don't I?

Hm.

But then I get up again!

(He chuckles)

Although I don't actually get up.

Well, we would like to keep you on an even keel, so perhaps we can review your medication at some point.

But healthy eating can definitely help you with your mood swings.

My mum's put me on what she calls the "health and happiness" diet.

Low fat burger, low fat chips, diet salad.

Though I don't think you can actually get more diet than salad.

All smothered in low fat happiness.

And delivered with TLC...

Three Lovely Crumpets!

(HE CHUCKLES) Only joking.

Have you been out of bed?

Have you been up on your feet, like we talked about?

I thought about it...

... for a moment.

And then I had a lie down till the moment passed.

But, say there was like a really nice girl, yeah, who said, "Come round, Graham," you know, for a bit of kissing and cuddling and that, yeah?

Huh?

Yeah.

Uh-huh?

Yeah.

Huh?

Yes, Graham.

(HE CHUCKLES) Then I'd have some motivation, wouldn't I?

But, you know...

So, it's kind of like chicken and egg, really, innit?

You know, what come first, the chicken or the egg?

I don't know, I don't care.

I'll eat both of them!

Fried. Deep-fried!

Yeah! Deep-fried!

Where's your mum at the moment?

Oh, I don't know.

She'll be down the shops I suppose, talking rubbish to strangers.

"Oh, look, two for one on Harpics, buy one get one free.

Is it really?"

She's actually quite a spiteful person, my mum.

And maybe that's why her husband, my dad, why he buggered off, you know.

"Oh, hello, Dad. How are you?

Yeah, it's only me, Graham, your son you ain't seen for 20 years."

Come on, let's get back on track with our plan and reset those targets.

Reset.

That's right, reset.

All right, number one, numero uno, get married.

Number two, numero two-o, become a millionaire.

Well, I was thinking of aiming a bit lower to start, but, yeah, we can work up to those.

Yeah, well, I was thinking, you know, what I'd really like is...

I'd like to have a family, you know, like be a dad and that, you know?

Hm, I think that's something very positive to aim for.

Yeah. What about you? Have you got any kids?

Well, we're not here to talk about me, Graham.

Oh, sorry(!)

Oh, you don't need to apologise.

All right, I'm not sorry then!

No, but I am.

Right, now, how about replacing some of that chocolate for fruit instead?

Apples, oranges, bananas.

Uh, uh, uh! Ahh!

It burns. Yeah, all right, then.

And what about vegetables once a day, instead of chips?

What, no chips?

What, for a whole day?

What, no... ?

No chips at breakfast?

No chips at elevenses?

And no chippety chip chippy chip chips at bedtime?

No chippety chips.

Graham?

Oh, Mrs h*tler's back.

How's Mum's little soldier?

My little pork pie, my little baby.

I've got you a treat, Graham.

Ahh! Cor, thanks, Mum.

(HE CHUCKLES) A chunky peanut Kit Kat!

I love you, Mum.

Oh, and I love you, too, my little sausage pie.

Oh, come on, give us a kiss.

Blimey!

Call that a kiss? Oh!

Come on, give us a proper one.

(They both moan)

♪ Oh, yeah, we've grown ♪
♪ Now I don't care what you're doing ♪
♪ No, I don't care if you screw him ♪
♪ Just as long as you save a piece for me... ♪

(Phone rings)

* Oh, yeah, now. *

Hello, darling.

Oh, you're joking?

Your dad knows he's supposed to be picking you up.

He's a bloody fool. Oh, God.

Has he not phoned you or anything?

Right, are you still at the ice rink?

All right, just stay there then.

All right, I'll call him.

All right, everything will be OK, all right?

Don! You're supposed to be picking the girls up!

Where are you?!

You're on one of those machines, aren't you?

You are!

I can hear it!

You're at the bookies.

Oh, forget it!

Bloody w*nk*r!

(She sighs)

April, it's Liz, the CPN.

(Cats meow)

Oh, God. Is it all right if I open the window?

Yeah, I suppose.

And do you think you can make it into the clinic for your medication tomorrow?

Yeah, I suppose.

You know, you'll be recalled into hospital if you don't take your medication and your treatment.

Dr Moross isn't going to be happy with you, is she?

Who'd look after me g*ng if I go back to hospital?

Well, exactly, that's why you've got to take your medication, for their sake as well as yours.

Yeah, I suppose.

Oh, God, this is all a bit...

You know, you really do need to get somebody to come and do some cleaning up in here.

Yeah, I suppose.

I could call Environmental Health, but, you know, you might not be happy about that, cos they can be quite funny about it.

Oh, my God!

There's a dead pigeon in here!

Did you know there was a dead pigeon here?

It's a health hazard.

You've got to get rid of it.

Yeah, I suppose.

Yes!

Mind you, it's cruel to stop them hunting.

It's in their nature. They bring it in as a gift.

And really, that's what they should be doing, out catching live things, not eating processed muck out of a tin.

That's millions of years of evolution to get to them beautiful creatures.

They're hunters, they're mysterious.

They're better than people. I've never had a mouse in here.

I'm sure.

You're very passionate about your cats, aren't you?

Yeah, I suppose.

Have you been out this week?

My sister's coming.

Oh, good.

I like to think of you having a bit of company, as well as the cats.

Yeah, I suppose.

Maybe she could help you clean some of this up?

And I will be checking up on you, cos, you know, I'm really worried about this hygiene situation.

Do you understand, April?

Do you understand, April?

Yeah, I suppose.

(She exhales)

♪ Dirty old river ♪
♪ Must you keep rolling ♪
♪ Flowing into the night. ♪

My namesake, there, Ray Davies.

Proper bloody genius he was.

He got largely forgotten about in the wake of The Beatles, The Stones and The Who, but he was up there with them.

David Bowie? He'd be nowhere without Ray Davies.

I will say this about David Bowie, he could write a good tune, I'll give him that.

Did you know Ray, Ray?

Course we did. We knew everyone way back when, when dinosaurs ruled the earth.

Led Zeppelin, they weren't very nice. Well, not to us.

Deep Purple, they was a little bit nicer, apart from Richard Blackmore.

But apparently, he was a grumpy old sod with everyone.

Anyway, here, Forget Me Knot, Knot with a K, our second album, that sold two million copies in 1970/71.

Hypnosis cover, the lot.

Two years later, we done What Did Santa Get For Christmas?

♪ What Did Santa Get For Christmas? ♪

Oh, my God, we threw everything at that, kids' choir, sleigh bells, ho, ho, ho, Santa, all that bollocks.

That has been a hit every year since, at least in Germany.

I shouldn't complain, it pays the bills, but I'm bloody sick of hearing it, sick of singing it.

December the 1st, get the passport out, put the corset on, put the wig on.

"Hallo, Dusseldorf!

"What Did Santa Get For Christmas?"

You know, I've had a nosh every year from the same woman, Eva...

Not her real name. ... regular as clockwork.

They're good like that, the Germans, but I wish her sister would turn up or something.

Now, Raymond...

♪ Medication, that's the name of the game. ♪

Cardene 30ml, Statin 40ml, Bisoprolol beta-blocker 3ml, Symbyax and finally this little beauty...

Viagra.

Very good.

I take more dr*gs now than I done in 1973 and let me tell you, in those days, I snorted for England.

I know I suffer from depression or bipolar, as we call it now, but a lot of these wankers you see on the telly, what they've done is stuck too much bloody racket up their hooters.

Sorry? Racket?

Sniff, trumpet, Charlie, sparkle, coke...

I mean, what a lot of these so-called celebs are actually suffering from is what I call post-nasal depression.

So, how have you been, Ray?

♪ What will Santa get for Christmas? ♪
♪ I hope this time he's made a list... ♪

Oh, thanks for doing that for me, Karen, you are good.

Oh, he just gets worse. He was at the bookies.

I know. He's totally unreliable.

Well, you never know, the prick might emigrate to Las Vegas if we're lucky.

Do I sound bitter? Cos I am!

All right, then. I'll see you. OK, darling, bye.

Gary?

Phyllis? Gary?

Oh, Phyllis! Did you forget to put your clothes on, love?

No, I put them on me.

Somebody must have come in and took 'em off.

I reckon it was them Turks from across the road.

Let's get your dressing gown on.

I danced for the Queen Mum when I was seven.

Did you? Lovely.

My husband will be home soon.

I don't know what he'd make of us.

He's been dead for 17 years.

Is Gary here?

Who's he?

Your son, Gary.

Oh, no, he never comes.

He does, actually. He lives here.

He's been living here for six months. He looks after you.

Is the man coming?

What man's that, then? Your son, Gary?

Oh, him, he never comes. He's a waste of bloody space.

All right, Mum. Hello, Liz.

Sorry I'm late. Everything all right?

Yeah, everything's fine. There was a slight clothing issue.

What was it? The Turks again, from across the road?

Yeah.

All right, son?

Ooh, blimey! Well done, Mum.

You're very happy.

I am, as it goes, Mum, cos I just won 300 quid online.

Texas Hold 'Em.

Want a cup of tea?

♪ I like a nice cup of tea in the morning ♪
♪ And a nice cup of ♪
♪ Tea with me tea ♪
♪ And about half past 11 ♪
♪ Well, my idea of heaven ♪
♪ Is a nice cup of tea ♪
♪ I like a nice cup of tea with me dinner ♪
♪ And a nice cup of tea with me tea ♪
♪ And when it's time for bed ♪
♪ There's a lot to be said ♪
♪ For a nice cup of tea. ♪

Hello, David. How's it going?

We've not had a good week as it goes.

And the people out the back, they had a big party and loads of fireworks, and it flips him right back.

Come in.

What I want us to do now is try and find a safe place for you, Jack.

Yeah, that would be nice. How?

Well, when was the last time you felt safe?

Before I went to Helmand.

However traumatised you might've felt about that, and I know you saw a lot of terrible things, that was then and this is now.

And we're trying to bring you back into the present.

Can you try and imagine a place that's secure and safe?

I'm a soldier. They don't let us use our imagination.

OK. Well, let's try and create something together, then.

A comfortable and safe place.

During these sessions we're going to be doing something called EMDR, and that's been used with many soldiers with a wide range of mental health issues.

He ain't mental.

I am a bit.

Well, I never use that term, Jack.

Now, it is an unusual technique, but it does work, so you've got to stay open-minded.

Now, I'm sure you've got a sense of humour, cos you might laugh at the start...

Or you might not, but...

Because at some point during the session I'm going to be asking you to look at my finger while I move it like this...

Sorry. You're going to wiggle your finger at me?

Yes, I will be doing that for short periods while I ask you to recollect some of your more painful memories.

What, you going to put me in a trance?

You're not going to make me cry, are you?

First of all we need to establish this safe place.

Perhaps you can think of somewhere where you felt happy and calm before you joined up.

Well, I used to love going carp fishing with me mates.

Go off camping out for a few days.

Yeah.

Bait up. Bit of a laugh, banter.

All the preparation.

And what pleasant smells or sounds can you recall?

Well, the water always had its own smell.

It was always quiet.

Just the wind in the trees.

The water lapping up against the shore.

The white of the moon reflected in the lake. Ducks quacking...

(Clattering)

Cup of tea!

Argh! Bloody hell, Mum!

f*ck's sake, Sheila.

So we had to bring Tommy McLeish in again.

b*rned his whole flat down.

Twisted fire starter! He called us. He knows he's a menace to himself.

Yeah, but he's on his meds now, and he's under psychiatric surveillance.

Thanks for that.

Ask her. Go on.

Ask me what?

He thinks, right, because I don't lie awake all night worrying about all the misery and sh*t that we see every day, he thinks there's something wrong with me.

He thinks I'm a psychopath.

He is.

It's not that I don't care or anything, but I'm not like him.

He lies awake crying about it like a big girl.

Who would you rather be? Me or him?

Well, neither of you, thanks. I'm happy being me-ish.

You wonder why you don't get any girls?

I get girls. I get loads of girlfriends.

Come on.

Get more girlfriends than you. Always crying about everything.

All right, look, fine. I do lie awake at night sometimes.

I don't cry.

If it was just cops and robbers it'd be fine.

But it's not the v*olence, it's...

It's the misery and the sh*t...

(Mimics violin sound)

This is what I mean! See! Look at him, he's a psychopath!

He's cold.

Well, I could do the psychopath test on you.

I think I'll leave that, actually.

Eee, eee, eee...

Ah! Get off me!

What you doing? I'll take you down, mate!

Too late, mate, ruptured your spleen.

Argh!

He's ruptured my spleen! Nurse!

Clear off. See you later.

(Music plays)

Oh, good timing. You're Herbert's meals on wheels home help?

No, I'm the community mental health nurse.

Oh, never mind about that. I'm Mrs Hamilton. Amanda.

Herbert's sister.

Now, I've had a word with him, and I've told him this has got to stop.

He's to pull himself together, tidy the place up and stop creating such a fuss.

People like you running around after him.

He's hoodwinked the lot of you.

There's nothing wrong with him at all. He's simply charmed you.

Well, your brother does actually have some serious problems that require regular medication and psychiatric counselling.

But I will agree with you, he's very charming.

Absolute nonsense. He's as sane as I am. Goodbye.

It's only me, Herbert!

Hello, Herbert. Well, she's a character, isn't she?

Oh, I'm very sorry about her. She's an absolute fright, isn't she?

She's like something out of the army.

She's the complete opposite of me.

She's very certain about everything.

Did she say that I'd charmed you?

She did.

Yes. Well, it's a quality that she distinctly lacks.

Now, Elizabeth, I loathe modern p*rn, with its vulgar misogynistic aggression.

Gagging and gaping indeed.

I don't know what you're talking about, Herbert, and I'm really glad.

I'm usually very slow to embrace modern technology, but I've finally realised what the internet is for... and that's watching p*rn and amusing cats, of course.

But it's really very moreish.

I mean, the p*rn, not the cats.

And it's starting to get a little out of hand.

Hmm, well, that can become a problem, yes.

I mean, if it is becoming something of an addiction, then we could do some CBT.

What's that?

Cognitive behavioural therapy.

It's a short term goal-oriented therapy that helps you to set realistic targets.

Oh, good God! Targets, no.

Well, it's easy to be dismissive of CBT.

And although I don't think it's right for every situation, I do think it helps people have something to aim at.

A stable point of focus to help them get out of the...

Quicksand?

Well, I was going to say habit, but, yeah, quicksand.

Do you know, when I was younger, every other film had some chap drowning in quicksand.

Nowadays you never see it.

So, shall we give it a go?

What?

CBT.

Oh, no. What a soul-sapping way to lead one's life.

Especially at my age.

"Do not go gentle into that good night.

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

And targets. Dylan Thomas.

I corresponded with Dylan for many years.

We were very close at one time.

Actually, that reminds me. I wrote to Ted Hughes last week.

Poor old Ted gets such a bad press, because Sylvia Plath k*lled herself, and the implication is that Ted somehow drove her to it.

Certainly a lot of feminists think so.

But, I mean, he didn't actually put her head in the oven, you know, she had a choice.

Anyway, I thought I'd lend Ted my support, so I wrote to him and I got a reply pretty promptly.

Are you sure it's from Ted Hughes?

Yes. I've got it here, look.

He's bloody signed it as well.

Ah, yes, it is from a Mr Hughes.

"Do you want a free evaluation?"

Yes, it's not quite what I was expecting.

He's certainly done better work.

Don, there's nothing of yours left in the house.

You've flogged it all.

Oh, apart from that metal detector.

Yeah, you might as well come and get it.

You never know, you might get lucky.

And while you're at it, why don't you nick the girls' iPads?

Yeah, get a few quid and stick it on the horses!

Ooh, April! This is amazing!

Oh, it's lovely in here, isn't it?

Yeah, I suppose.

And it smells really fresh. Beautiful flowers, aren't they?

Yeah, I suppose.

So, your sister's been round then, hasn't she? She's a treasure.

I suppose.

Don't you prefer it like this? All clean and tidy?

Yeah, I suppose.

So, are you going to try and keep it like this?

Yeah, I suppose.

Music: Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash

♪ I hear the train a comin' ♪
♪ It's rolling round the bend ♪
♪ And I ain't seen the sunshine ♪
♪ Since I don't know when ♪
♪ I'm stuck in Folsom Prison... ♪

Billy! Billy, are you in there?

Sorry. I'm still cleaning me teeth.

Oh! How long have you been doing it for?

Three minutes, but I done it for five minutes earlier.

Oh, that's better than last time.

Your gums must be feeling a lot better.

Yeah, I'm getting through a lot of toothbrushes though.

Well, you don't have to throw them away every time.

I do if they're dirty.

We can talk about that. You can use them more than once.

You've got a lot of locks on there, Billy.

You can't be too careful, can you? You've got to be on your toes.

I got a mate who sleeps in his tracksuit and trainers in case the Old Bill come calling.

He can be out the window in ten seconds.

Mind you, he lives on the seventh floor...

(They chuckle)

I went out yesterday.

Oh, great. Did you go shopping, like we talked about?

Yeah, I went Lidl.

Lovely.

Not really. I... I chinned some bloke.

Oh, Billy. Come on, tell me what happened, then.

I was trying to buy, like, a jumbo pack of kitchen roll, and there was this couple having a row.

They was really loud. I told 'em to be quiet.

They wouldn't shut up. Then the geezer started having a pop at me.

So I give him a dig. I put him down. Shut him up.

Oh, Billy...

Didn't shut her up, though.

She started having a go at me.

I mean, that is what I don't understand about women.

Cos I knew that he was the type of geezer who'd give her a clump now and then. I had the right hump.

Mind you, she had the hump and he had the hump. We all had the hump.

You've got to be careful.

(Door opens)

You don't want to get into big trouble again.

What's the worst that could happen? I go back inside?

Yeah, I'd feel like I've let you down if that happened.

Ding ding, round one. Did you hear about old Carl Froch here?

Left, right, crunch! Knocked him spark out. Oh, oh! He tell you?

Yeah, and it's nothing to be particularly proud of.

Depends where you come from.

Fighting in public is not acceptable behaviour for grown men.

I mean, come on.

It depends on what kind of life you lead.

People have tear-ups. It's human nature, innit?

There's your Arctic roll there, Bill.

Cheers.

Well, it's not in everyone's nature.

And once again, my session's been h*jacked.

I thought you'd be happy.

I'm keeping an eye out for him, aren't I?

Well...

Actually, tell you the truth, I've been a bit down, myself, recently.

I've been getting these crippling headaches...

I'll go and make a cup of tea.

They start here, between the shoulder blades, and then they move up me neck, to me head.

Really pounding and pounding. I have to have couple of Migraleve...

Tony, can I just stop you there! Billy's my focus here.

Now, I know you're good friends and, you know, you're really helping him.

Maybe you could get him to go out more.

Maybe you could even take him out for dinner.

You what?

I don't mind going up Iceland to get him his filo parcels and whatnot, but I ain't an iron hoof.

(Billy chuckles)

The Lord guide me and the Devil unseckle me.

The Lord guide me and the Devil unseckle me.

The Lord guide me and the Devil unseckle me.

The Lord guide me and the Devil unseckle me.

The Lord guide me and the Devil unseckle me.

The Devil, him try and come and unseckle me with them nasty ways.

You haven't been taking your medication, have you, Lorrie?

When we take them pill, it quiet the devil, but it also make the Lord Jesus quiet.

Me can't hear the Lord voice.

It's a tricky one, Lorrie, cos the pills are actually helping you with your illness.

They're not going to stop you from loving Jesus.

Me love Jesus all the time, every day till I meet him in heaven.

But when we take them pill, me no hear Jesus.

Them take away my daughter from me, because me no heed the word of the Lord.

Deuteronomy 28: "Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people, and thine eyes shall look, and fail with longing for them all the day long. And there shall be no might in thine hand."

Your daughter's 33 now, and she comes to look after you, doesn't she?

And the reason why she was taken into care all those years ago, is because you found it difficult to look after her, didn't you?

Because of your illness.

Lucifer... him find a job in social service and snatch away me daughter.

Because the medication take my mind off the Lord.

And if me mind not on the Lord Jesus, sweet Jesus...

(Door opens and closes)

... who know what will happen.

But darling, it was because you didn't take your medication...

Er, don't mind me, and I'm sorry to disturb you, but when she gets like this, there's only one thing that cheers her up, and that's my impersonations...

Lorrie, "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off."

Michael Caine there.

(He laughs)

"My name is Bond, James Bond."

That's Sean Connery, of course.

It no sound like him at all but it make me laugh...

Here, here's one for you, Jimmy "Snoz" Durante...

"Playing on my piano... "

(Laughter)

Never heard of him!

Oh, I know, Jack Benny, wonderful Jack Benny story.

Jack's walking along through downtown New York and a gangster jumps out in front of him, brandishing a g*n, points it at Jack and says, "Your money or your life?!"

Nothing.

"Come on, buster, your money or your life?"

And J... Jack says, "Wait a minute, I'm thinking it over... "

(She laughs)

Thinking it over!

Very good.

"Ooh, Betty, "someone's done a whoopsie." That's Frank Spencer, there.

♪ Well, there I was, a diggin' this hole... ♪

We need to get on with our session now, Maurice.

Ah, let 'im sing, darlin, him have a nice singing voice...

♪ Oh, big and sorta round it was ♪
♪ It ain't there now ♪
♪ The ground's all flat ♪
♪ And beneath it is the man in the bowler hat... ♪

Oh, oh, do the two Ronnies, no?

"It's good night from me and it's good night from him. Good night."

(They laugh)

Music: Down To Zero by Joan Armatrading

♪ But you'll dream of love instead ♪
♪ But oh, you fall ♪
♪ Oh, and you fall ♪
♪ Fall at my door... ♪