06x01 - Five Years Later

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Childrens Hospital...

We're gonna have to evacuate the hospital for 14 weeks.

However, I got us all a job as a private contractor at an army base in Japan.

But we're ambassadors, so no betting on the operations.

Are you paying me to keep quiet while you throw this surgery because you bet money on it?

Uh-huh.

You doctors have been a real asset to the base.

You got the pediatric clinic on its feet and provided a lot of laughs along the way.

It's what we do.

Ha! It's zingers like that that I'm gonna miss the most.

But now you all have to go back to Childrens Hospital.

It's gonna be nice to get back to Brazil...

Yeah.

... which as we all know is where we were based before we took this job in Japan...

Yeah.

...which is, as we also know, where we've been.

And where we are. This is Japan.

Yeah.

Owen Maestro, you're under arrest!

Hey, what's going on?! (grunts)

Owen!

I love you, Cat.

I...

You've been found guilty of colluding with a criminal surgery-fixing ring.

I hereby sentence you to five years in a maximum-security penitentiary.

(spectators gasping)

By order of the elder council of machines, all females of childbearing age shall surrender to a birthing farm for one year.

What a bleak dystopian future we've found ourselves in.

(chuckles) Thanks, guys. Hit the lights!

I could never have written my first speculative-fiction novel without you guys.

Hey, before you guys go, listen, As you all know, my boyfriend, Owen, gets out of prison today, and, you know, he's been locked up for five years, so make him feel at home. (chuckles)

Aw. don't worry, Cat.

I have him scheduled for a very difficult heart surgery today, so... that'll help.

He hasn't performed surgery in five years.

I mean, how's that gonna help?

In ways I couldn't possibly describe without incriminating myself.

Hey, Cat, uh, You know what Val and I do when we feel out of place?

No.

We look at our award!

Have you guys seen this thing? Fastest team tonsillectomy.

I mean, I don't know what got into us that day.

It's like time just slowed down.

I know a little something about that.

(gasps) Owen's back... pack! Owen's backpack is back!

(laughing) Look at this thing! Oh!

Oh, yes! I missed the backpack so much!

Thanks for not ratting me out.

I'll make it up to you somehow.

(scoffs) Hey, where's my lady?

Cat, I've been back in town for almost a minute.

Why aren't you riding this thing in a supply closet right now?

Because I'm pregnant.

(all gasp)

Oh, Mazel Tov!

Look at those knockers!

I've been standing behind counters for seven months, waiting for the perfect time to tell you guys.

Owen, aren't you gonna say anything?

I don't know what to say.

How about, "Hello," to your unborn child, say?

Cat, I haven't seen you in five years.

(scoffs) What do you call the conjugal visit we had seven months ago?

That never happened, so I call it... fiction.

Ah, my old office.

Oh. Oh!

What is that smell?

There he is!

Welcome back! I'm so sorry.

We had to re-zone your office as a public fart room.

But you've always got a place here at Childrens.

Unless, of course, your performance drops 4%, at which time, you're out on your ass.

Not me. It's corporate policy.

So have a good time, read a magazine, fart a little if you got one in the chamber.

What a pleasure to see you back, huh?

4%.

(knocks)

Penny for your thoughts, my lo-- (coughs)

Who ripped a blast in here?

Smells like broken promises to me, Cat.

Mm. No, it really smells like a bathroom.

How could you cheat on me and claim that baby is mine?

(sighs) How could you not remember?

We made love in a standalone trailer like two wild animals.

I'll never forget what you said right after your love exploded inside of me... "That one had a baby in it!"

Why can't I remember?

Listen. Are you okay to do that surgery? It's in three hours.

I don't know, Cat.

I just... don't...

Excuse me.

(fart)

Ahh! And excuse me again. (chuckles softly)

(razor whirring)

(click, whirring stops)

Listen, Owen, I think I can finally make things right between us.

Check your hand. (chuckles)

Not interested!

Well, get interested. Your big surgery's in two hours.

If you don't take a dive... Unh!

(groans)

(sighs) I can't handle this!

You sound just like you did back in the joint... cryin' over your lack of ability to handle stuff.

Dr. Ron Pippin. What's my old cellmate doing here?

(both chuckle)

Still can't believe I shared a cell with the only other doctor in lockup.

What a coincidence.

I don't believe in coincidences.

Then what are you doing here, Pippin, if it's not a coincidence?

Just a remarkable concurrence of circumstances without any apparent connection.

See you around, pal.

Hey! There you are. (chuckles)

So glad you finally remember our conjugal visit.

I do?

Yes.

You said so an hour ago.

You even gave feedback on-- on color choices for the nursery.

I think I'm losing my mind.

Oh.

Oh.

Sorry. She's all yours.

Oh. (scoffs)

(sighs)

(knock on door)

Knock, knock. Hey.

Hey.

How you doing, buddy?

Not good, man.

Yeah.

I work in a fart room.

Yeah.

Okay? I don't remember putting a baby inside of Cat.

Yeah.

Sy's gonna fire me if I blow this surgery.

Yeah.

But, if I don't, Chief's gonna k*ll me with her finger.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

You know what I do when I'm feeling blue?

I like to look at my award.

(chuckles) It's like time said--

Yeah, I know. Time said something.

You guys took out some tonsils really fast.

It's-- It's inspiring, really.

I'm glad you like it because Val and I would like to give it to you.

As inspiration.

Okay. Okay, so... Now I have this.

You're welcome. (chuckles)

Excuse me. Sorry.

Thought I was done fartin', but apparently fartin' isn't done with me.

Come on, man.

You're probably gonna want to leave.

It's gonna get pretty real in here.

Yeah, I don't need to be here for this.

Good luck on the surgery!

Thank you.

(little fart)

Well, I guess I kind of oversold that.

You got this. You got this.

(moaning)

(gasps) Aah!

Owen! That doctor I've never seen before is a dead ringer for you.

Cat, I'm Owen.

This is my former cellmate, Ron Pippin.

Looks like he's been pretending to be me to have sex with you.

How could you do this, Pippin?

I just took advantage of our uncanny resemblance.

Good luck in there, Owen.

Chief.

Aah! Ohh!

Is Madame Tussaud here?

(chuckles) So real!

Look at that!

Chief, I'm Owen.

What did you want?

(grumbles) I just had my finger sharpened.

If you don't throw this surgery... you're dead.

Owen, if you don't ace this surgery, you're dead, professionally speaking.

Over here, Sy.

What? You want me to say it again into this mirror?

Okay. Everybody, get out!

(crying) Oh, God.

I'm doing surgery.

Nurse, scalpel.

Remember, 4%.

If you don't take a dive, you're dead.

If you don't ace this surgery, you're out on your ass.

I just had my finger sharpened.

Okay. Pacemaker is in place.

All we have to do now is turn it on.

Turn it on.

(power whirs down)

We're losing him.

(laughs evilly)

Ha!

Whoa! Don't do it, Owen.

Chief... I'm no longer afraid of you.

Are you yes longer afraid of me?

Pippin! You're in on this, too?

Finger him.

Sorry, Owen.

(metallic clang)

(groans)

Oh!

Plaque!

Let's finish this, Dori.

(monitors beeping steadily)

The nightmare's finally over... for both of us.

Weird that you shared a jail cell with the ringleader of the crime uou were busted for.

Sorry to put you through all of that, but I had no choice.

He had me by the balls.

Hey... Look in your hand.

Oh!

Oh, I love lemons and strawberries and grapes and--

Hey, Owen.

Now that we know this isn't your baby, I mean, what do we do?

I would say for the next... 13 weeks, let's just try not to think about it.

Attention, staff.

Will all available doctors please report to the emergency room?

That is all.

That is all.

Well, that's us.

Let's get to work, huh?

Yep.

Ah, it's so good to be back in the old United States of America.

Yeah, we're in Brazil.

(Mean Jeans' "Ready 2 Rip" playing)

♪ Are you ready 2 rip it up ♪
♪ And get twisted up? ♪
♪ Let's flip and pick da whip it's up ♪
♪ Tonight's never gonna happen again ♪
♪ Are you ever gonna call me up ♪
♪ To pop it off and go slop it up ♪
♪ Knock it down and then prop it up ♪
♪ Go to Mars and never see me again? ♪
♪ Ah, ah put a little rip In your little brain ♪