02x03 - I Am Not Afraid of Any Ghost

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Childrens Hospital...

Two things... Number one, I get hard when a woman cries.

Number two, your daughter will never walk again.

Oh, my God.

Lola's dead.

I hear her ghost still haunts the old haunted locker room.

Is it really so crazy that I faked my own death because I had too many e-mails?

We lost her.

Listen, don't you blame yourself.

Well, I don't blame myself.

Don't.

I don't. I'm serious.

Don't you do that.

Hey, does it look like I was blaming myself, because I didn't want... I shouldn't have given that impression.

This is not on you.

I'm not blaming myself! Relax! It wasn't my fault at all.

If anything, it was Beth's fault.

Sitting there the whole time, like, "Uh! I'm not a doctor! What do I do?"

Attention, staff... I was working in the lab late one night...

Hey! Come on!

My monster, from his slab, began to rise, and suddenly, to my surprise, he did the mash.

He did the monster mash.

The monster mash.

Aaah!

It was a graveyard smash.

That is all.

Happy Halloween.

But then again, what's so happy about it?

For some, it's all about dead people.

Owen.

Go away, ghost Lola, before I call Bill Murray to bust you, or the black guy whose name I can't remember.

Gaaah!

I'm not dead.

No one believes me. And it's Ernie Hudson.

They don't call you "Lola" in heaven?

No, the black guy from "Ghostbusters," his name is Ernie Hudson.

If you're not dead, then prove it.

No, I am not peeing on you again.

Either way, I'm gonna find a way to bone you.

You want to bone me even though I'm not alive?

You are a ghost! I knew it!

Hey, Dr. Maestro.

Lola's a ghost!

Look, I know it's a children's hospital, but it's Halloween, and the real hospital is packed.

Okay, what do you got?

Okay, a sorority party bus flipped over, so I got a sexy French maid, sexy schoolgirl, sexy cop, sexy Alice in wonderland, sexy nurse, sexy stripper, Chewbacca, sexy hot dog sexy homeless person, and a sexy section of drywall.

Okay, drywall. Got it.

Sexy handicapped doctor.

I'd like to show her my sexy costume.

Ew.

Wh... Oh.

No, I just really want to show her my sexy costume.

Not k*ll her.

Whatever.

I really want to have sex with Lola, but she's a ghost, so the only way for me to do that is to cross over to the spirit realm and find her.

You got to flatline me.

Owen, this isn't gonna work. It's not the movies.

Hurry up and k*ll me, Flame, before I change my mind.

How do I know when to shock you back to life?

You got a cellphone? Let's set an alarm.

All right.

Ten minutes.

That'll give me more than enough time to find her and make love to her several times.

I'm fast. But I reset quickly, it's one of my things.

Great.

One more thing.

When I'm under, no peeking at my wiener, okay?

If you do peek, I'll tell you, it's intense, so don't look directly into its ey... Aaah!

Am I dead? Did I flatline?

Attention, staff...

At 4:00 P.M., we will all gather around one of those big wooden old-timey radios to listen to President Roosevelt's update on the w*r.

Everyone is welcome, except Japs.

Roosevelt? Japs?

I didn't die. I time-traveled to 1987.

Lola hasn't even been born yet.

I can show these people modern medicine and get totally laid.

Excuse me, black-and-white lady...

Shh!

It's Mulatto, and no one's supposed to know that.

If they find out I have a white mother, they'll kick me out of nursing school.

Excuse me, I'm from the future. I need your help.

Okay, sweetheart, you calm down and come on with me.

We'll bring you to see a doctor.

Okay.

We need to get on the Internet. Do you have a laptop?

Yes. When I sit down.

Nothing! Aaah! Please don't hurt me!

Wait, what are you doing here? Owen's looking for you in the spirit world.

I'm not a ghost!

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

How?

Drink this water, and we'll see if it goes right through you.

Done.

Ha! See? I told you! You're a ghost!

No, I'm not a ghost. I just have a really tiny bladder.

All right. Well, totally unrelated to the ghost thing, drink the rest while your dummy sings "Camptown Races."

All right.

Look at me, Chief.

You'll see me in my sexy costume.

Yes, you will.

Childrens.

Have you checked the children?

It's him again!

Trace the call! Come on!

Well, that's gonna take about thirty to fourty-five seconds to figure out if we've checked those children.

Got it! It's coming from inside the hospital... The maternity ward!

Wait, is this Max?

Yeah, man. Have you checked the children?

'Cause I've been up here for an hour, and nobody's been by to check them.

Yeah, I'll send the chief up.

All right. Your cold sounds terrible, by the way.

I'm coming, children!

What the...? This isn't the maternity ward.

Max! Hello?! Anyone here?!

It's me, Chief!

m*rder*r!

Oh! My balls!

Aah! Bedpans!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hundreds of mousetraps!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ooh, ow, ow, ow, ooh, ooh!

I just gave you a sh*t of this new drug penicillin.

It should calm you down. Or not.

We don't know. It might grow hair.

Listen to me... I'm not crazy.

I'm from the future, and we don't have much time.

Together, we can save millions of lives.

Look, this proves it... a cellphone from the future!

Oh, it just vibrated!

Oh, no. That means I'm out of time.

I have an appointment. With the future.

Well, I am off to buy a hot dog and the late edition for a nickel.

Take me now!

I want to know how they make whoopee in the future, spaceman!

Spaceman? Okay, but hold on just a second.

I'm gonna write myself some stock tips so I can get rich in the future.

Microsoft, Cisco, E-Trade.

Attention, hospital staff... the food in the cafeteria is made of people.

It's made of people.

That is all.

Okay. Here we go.

What? Out of my way, drywall!

Aah! Oh, God.

Oh, geez Louise.

Aah! Oh! Whoo! Whoa! Whoa! Aah!

Okay, all right, everybody, we've come to a decision on the costume contest.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

And the winner is a three-way tie between the sexy French maid, sexy schoolgirl, and little Ernie Hudson.

Got to get away from him!

And, of course, the only fair way to settle this... The stripper pole!

Yeah, you wait!

Got to get away! Oh, God! Got to get away from him!

I know! I'll shimmy up that pole!

No! No, wait! Chief! The pole isn't secure!

No! Aaaah!

I'm sorry I tormented you as a teen!

Oh, no! No!

Chief, it's me, Chet.

Yeah, I wanted to show you my sexy costume.

Oh, my gosh.

Thank God!

Wait a minute, Chet.

This is your costume?

I don't think it's very sexy.

No, no.

This is my scary costume.

Oh.

This... is my sexy costume.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh!

Folks, we have a winner.

Sexy snake charmer!

Apple, Google, Amazon, eBay.

Okay. Let's do this.

That was quick.

Come back! Come on! I'll get naked!

Stop zapping me!

Aah! Oh, that hurts! Oh!

Did you find Lola on the other side?

I didn't go to the other side.

I went back in time.

The stock tips!

Microsoft, Cisco, eBay.

Oh, wait.

Owen.

Aah! Ghost Lola!

I am not a ghost, okay?! I didn't die!

But that day, the surgery... I saw you!

I'm just a gifted ventriloquist.

Wait, my phone.

Oh, my God, you guys. I left my phone in the 1980s.

Do you know at this means?

Can it be... you?

I waited... so long!

It hasn't been very long for me. It's been like a minute... oh!

Okay. Whoa. But...

Mmm! You taste like vitamins.

You know, that's actually kind of hot.

Wait till she sees his wiener.

Chief, I have so many things I want to show you.

Like what?

Just, like, all this stuff.

Oh. Wow. Yeah.

'Cause I decorated it myself, and I'm pretty proud of it.

You have flair, mister.

I... I guess so.

Yeah. Is that you?

That is... as a baby.

Cute, little baby boy in his bath.

It's probably like one year old, maybe a little older.

Yeah. It's nice. Great.

Well, thanks for showing me your basement.

Thanks for coming by.

I'm coming over here if there's a tornado, okay?

Definitely. We can hang out.

All righty. Let's get back to the hospital.

Good to see you.

See you, Chet!

All right. Enjoy your weekend.