02x04 - Give a Painted Brother a Break

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Childrens Hospital". Aired July 11, 2010 to April 15, 2016.*
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A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.
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02x04 - Give a Painted Brother a Break

Post by bunniefuu »

Announcer: Previously on "Childrens Hospital"...

Blake: That's my brother.

He looks just like me.

Don't see him coming here anytime soon to take advantage of my guilt over leaving home for his own financial gain.

Dori: Wait.

This form is different than this form.

Valerie: Actually, Dori, the correct usage is different from.

This form is different from this form.

It's just a common grammatical error.

Dori: Oh, okay. Thanks.

And from is an anagram of form.

Attention.

Fish is my favorite dish.

Valerie: I've been around and I've worked at a lot of children's hospitals.

They're all the same.

Everyone has their role to play.

You've got the cool doctors.

You've got the nerds... The jocks... the goths...

And, of course, the clowns.

Blake. Blake!

Sir Tinkle Button: [ laughs ]

Blake?

No, no. I'm not Blake.

I'm his brother... Sir Tinkle Button.

And you are an angel.

[ Balloon squeaking ]

In order to increase revenue, we have made part of the hospital into a youth hostel.

All: Boo!

Valerie: Wait, guys.

It... it was actually my idea.

All: Yay!

Sy: I'm positive it was my idea.

All: Boo!

Daffy Giraffy: Dropping off.

Wen: Hey.

What's going on over here?

Daffy Giraffy: Nothing.

I was just walking by when I saw this kid out in the parking lot with a broken arm, so I did the here to the hospital.

Hoped it would be okay.

Bye now.

Valerie: That was Daffy Giraffy, the mascot of ride world.

Sy: Can we please move on?

Owen: Hold on just a second.

I for one am not taking the word of a creepy guy in a giraffe outfit.

Glenn: Hey, what's up your butthole, Owen, okay?

We get a fun visit from Daffy Giraffy, and you're all like, "hold on a second.

I got the ah-da-ah-da-ah-da-ah da-ah-da-ah-da-ah-da-ah-da-ah."

Owen: That's not what I said.

Hey, little man, how'd you hurt your arm?

I was, uh... I was playing in the parking lot and I-I fell.

Glenn: See? He fell.

I mean, what's up with you, man?

All you see is evil and darkness.

We see a giraffe with a human face in its neck helping out a boy in need.

[ Dutch accent ] Excuse me.

Where are the showers?

Blake: Put him on morphine, that'll be funny.

Dori: You're a monster.

Blake: What is this?

No. Dudes, dudes, dudes.

You can't park your bikes here, okay?

This is a working hospital.

Your wi-fi sucks.

Blake: We don't have wi-fi.

That's why it sucks.

Take it to a World-Wide-web café.

Go!

It smells like a spin doctors concert in here.

You guys stink, by the way.

You stink.

Attention.

Baba booey, baba booey.

That is all.

Excuse me.

Can you to help for me sleep bed?

Sy: Uh, it's $20 a room or $25 for the one with no fumes.

[ Crying ] I lost all money on train.

[ Sobbing ]

Sweet American can help.

Sy: Okay, okay.

Wait, you know what?

For one night, why not?

Blake: Have somebody look at her.

I'm not sure.

It's not my specialty.

Both: Ho!

Hup.

Hey-hey!

Whoo-hoo!

Hup, hup, hup.

Hup, hey.

Oh!

Dori: Hey, is this a mirror?

Oh, no, it's not.

Blake: Sir Tinkle Button.

Sir Tinkle Button: Mr. Bo Jiggles.

Blake: No.

No one calls me that here.

It's Blake.

How'd you find me?

Sir Tinkle Button: How'd I find you?

You're my brother.

We're like magnets. Family.

Yeah, I know in the past that I've said some things and I've... I just... [ Coughing ]

Blake: Wow.

That cough sounds expensive to fix.

Sir Tinkle Button: It's... it's nothing.

Come on, let's take a break, do some clown stuff.

Blake: I don't know.

Sir Tinkle Button: Come on, h*nky.

[ Horn honks ]

Blake: Let's go.

[ Both laugh ]

Both: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[ Both laugh ]

Glenn: Magic time.

[ Screams ]

[ Both laugh ]

Glenn: [ chuckles ]

[ Both laughing ]

Blake: Oh, man, that was fun.

I haven't done that in forever.

Sir Tinkle Button: I told you.

It's like riding a really tall bike with a huge front wheel.

You never forget how.

Blake: But...I'm not a clown anymore... I'm a doctor.

Sir Tinkle Button: No.

No, you are a clown.

You will always be a clown.

Have some pride in your race.

Blake: I heal people.

Sir Tinkle Button: Well, then heal them with laughter, not with...medicine.

Blake: I can do both.

Sir Tinkle Button: I'm dying.

Daffy Giraffy: Dropping off.

Two more broken arms.

Valerie: Thank you, Daffy Giraffy.

Owen: Well, well, well.

You again.

Daffy Giraffy: Wanted to make sure these boys were okay.

We were playing in the parking lot and we fell.
That's all.

Valerie: Okay.

Owen: Um, am I the only one that thinks something suspicious is going on over at ride world?

Guys, there's a new ride called the "wacky yacky arm buster."

It's like you're on an African safari, and then they drop you 10 feet onto your right arm.

Dori: Mm, not for me.

I get dizzy.

Owen: That's it!

The ride is unsafe.

And these stupid kids go over there, and they get hurt.

Then Daffy Giraffy drops them off so ride world isn't liable for their injuries.

Valerie: It says right here that the ride is safe.

Glenn: Owen, were you abused by a costumed character as a child?

Get a shrink.

Sir Tinkle Button: There's this procedure.

It's expensive.

It costs 15 g's.

Blake: Well, I'm a doctor.

I'll do it.

Sir Tinkle Button: No.

The only doctor who can do it is Dr. Knuckles.

Blake: What?

Dr. Knuckles isn't accredited.

He plays a doctor in a circus, and a bad one at that.

Sir Tinkle Button: Here we go again.

Blake: His nurse is a dog in a costume.

Sir Tinkle Button: You know what?

You're a sellout!

You're a Ronald McDonald paint job!

Blake: Hey!

I don't like the p-word.

Sir Tinkle Button: You think these tan faces treat you like one of their own, but they don't.

And I'll tell you one thing... I'm you're brother, and I'm dying.

And if you're not gonna help me, let me go and find another clown person, a real clown person, to help a colored brother out.

Blake: It's all there.

[ Sighs ]

You better not be screwing me.

Dori: Are you talking to me?

Blake: Huh? No.

Said something under my breath.

God, this nurse is such an idiot.

Dori: I heard that, too.

Daffy Giraffy: Aah!

Aah!

Daffy Giraffy: All right, give me your money, kid, now!

Come on! Give me the cash!

Help! Help!

Ow! You just broke my arm!

Daffy Giraffy: Quit whining!

Come on, punk, give me the money!

Owen: Well, well, well.

What do you know?

Ow!

Daffy Giraffy: Nobody can hear you out here.

Please.

Sy: Okay, I'll give you my passport.

You'll send it right back?

Yes.

Sy: You promise?

Mm-hmm.

Sy: All right.

Daffy Giraffy: Dropping off.

Owen: That's him.

Daffy Giraffy, you're under arrest for seven counts of as*ault, petty theft, and falsifying medical information.

Daffy Giraffy: Wait a minute.

Yes, it's true.

I did what the officer described... But I had to.

I work day and night at ride world for minimum wage, no benefits, just to scrape together something to put on the table for my... for my four kids at home... Marnie, Lenore, Shira, and Steven.

Their mom left us 28 months ago, and, well, we're just not making ends meet.

Society spits on costumed characters like me and forces us to turn to a life of petty crime.

So, go ahead, officer.

Handcuff me, take me away.

But make sure to charge me with the crime of caring about my family, the aforementioned Marnie, Lenore, Shira, and Steven.

Wait, officer.

On behalf of all of the kids' parents, I'd like to formally drop all charges.

God be with you, Daffy Giraffy.

Well, it looks like you're free to go.

Sir Tinkle Button: Hey, buddy, hope this helps you and your family.

It's 15 g's.

Blake: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dori: But how are you gonna pay for your surgery?

Sir Tinkle Button: I don't know.

I don't know.

Blake: Oh, crap. Okay.

Good thing I went to the bank today.

Sir Tinkle Button: Thank you.

Valerie: I guess it doesn't matter if you're cool, nerd, jock, goth, or clown.

Underneath it all, we're people, and sometimes you have to make a bet on others.

What's the over-under on people?

If you ask me, it's faith.

Sir Tinkle Button: Got your 15 g's.

What's the action on the Cavs game tonight?

It's over. Cavs lost.

Sir Tinkle Button: Well, I'm feeling pretty lucky.

Why don't we double-or-nothing on the Cavs?

I said it's over. They lost.

Sir Tinkle Button: Looks like someone's afraid to make a bet.

You want to make a bet?

Whatever.

You lost.

Now you owe us 30 g's.

[ Engine turns over ]

Let's go.

Sir Tinkle Button: No worries.

I think I just found my gravy train.

Attention.

Could d*ck Hertz please report to surgery?

d*ck Hertz.

Hey, wait a minute.

d*ck Hertz is on vacation.

Blake: Go!
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