02x07 - Frankfurters. Allman Brothers. Death. Frankfurters.

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Previously on "Childrens Hospital"...

I'm the only doctor in this hospital that's qualified to do this procedure, and today, that puts me at a real disadvantage.

[Groans]

[Beeps]

I cured cancer, you d*ck!

Huh?

Mom, I did it. I cured cancer.

Great.

Now maybe you can visit me sometime.

Mom, I'm right here.

Just a little friendly reminder, Dr. Richie... Stop trying to cure cancer.

Oh, God, I just wish you'd become a doctor like your brother.

I am a doctor.

Valerie: We all have a job to do.

Some people dig holes, some people teach, some even go to to the moon, and none are more important than the other, except for doctors.

You'll notice that most young patients respond to almost any situation with one of two phrases... "Hot dog" or "Mama mia."

Watch this. Hey, I got news for you.

You're going home tomorrow.

Hot dog!

Because we don't know what's wrong with you and you're gonna die.

Mama mia.

I got a ten-year-old down!

[Screams]

What do we got?

This kid works at a Kn*fe factory after school.

Boss says he's all thumbs.

Hey, Owen, it turns out that Blake here never went to medical school.

We're just gonna add him to your interns today and call it even.

Fine. Welcome to the team.

Blood pressure: 50 over 80.

White-blood-cell count: Elevated. Slight fever.

What's the call?

Too soon to tell.

Owen: God, you are good.

Look, I don't want to interrupt here, and you're one of our best, but isn't this clearly a Kn*fe wound?

Hey, suit, you stay out of my way!

The Kn*fe is just a small piece of the puzzle.

We got to figure out what's really wrong with this kid.

Nidhi, am I pronouncing that correctly?

It's Nidhi.

I do not care.

I need you to interview everyone he's come in contact with in the last fourty days.

Owen: Go to his school.

So what you're telling me is that outside of being punctured by a large Kn*fe, Noah's had no unusual symptoms?

Owen: Go to the Kn*fe factory.

So what you're telling me is that he walked out of here with no sign of anything wrong at all?

No, I'm telling you he had a huge Kn*fe in his stomach.

Owen: Go to his mother's hair stylist.

So what you're telling me is it'll cost more to get highlights than it will to dye all my hair?

Owen: Blake, I want you to get down to the library.

Get on the Internet, find out everything you can about young boys.

I know just where to go.

Oh. [Moans]

Park, am I pronouncing that correctly?

Yes.

I want you with this kid night and day.

I think he's only got three days to live tops.

I'm gonna need four.

You got it, mister.

Chet, this is your big moment, buddy.

I'm on it!

Excuse me.

Aren't we just gonna take the Kn*fe out?

Hey!

You did not go to medical school, and until you do, you will take a chill pill.

Now, everybody know your assignments? Get it in here.

"Childrens Hospital" on three.

One, two, three...

Childrens Hospital!

[Noah groans]

Sal: Attention, staff.

Cheetos flamin' hot crunchy snacks are dangerously cheesy.

Valerie: We're all like worker bees here, each of us running around, bringing honey from one place to another, never really knowing what the others are thinking or feeling or dreaming.

A hospital really is like a beehive.

I'd say a hospital is more like a prison.

Beehive is more poetic.

Valerie: Mmm, he's cute.

No way. He's gross.

Do you have to disagree with everything I sa...

Wait, can you hear my thoughts?

Yeah.

Wow. What an amazing gift.

It's awful, actually.

I can hear all the horrible things people think of me.

Valerie: Geez, what a whiner. Oops.

[horn honks]

Glenn: Wait a second. Have you been here this whole time?

I've been spending many hours in this hospital, Dr. Richie.

How do you know my name?

I know a great many things.

For example, I understand that you've discovered a cure for a certain... heretofore uncurable disease.

Incurable. No such word as uncurable.

Who are you, anyway?

I represent an organization that has a special request.

Drop the cancer cure... Or else.

Wait. I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. What?

This information is no good.

Don't make me let this kid die.

Valerie: Hey!

I bet you guys fifty bucks I can guess your weight.

I bet you fifty bucks you can't.

Yeah. What's up with that, Valerie?

170.

She got that right on the nose.

Haley here can read minds, everybody.

So what are we all thinking right now?

Frankfurters... The Allman brothers... Death...

Also frankfurters.

Fascinating.

You have got a gift, young lady.

[Haley spits]

Would it k*ll you to make a decent cup of coffee?

Sy: What a whiner.

Valerie: I know, right? Wait.

All right.

Listen, I've got a patient I need you to meet.

Come on.

I get the sense that I'm not quite getting through to you, Dr. Richie.

No, no, no.

I heard you say something about stopping my research. Or else.

Or else!

Right, and then you said "Or else." Right.

Yeah, but I didn't say it like that...

"Or else!" I said it menacingly.

Wow. I mean, if I'm being honest, it didn't sound very menacing.

That's because you weren't paying attention.

What did you say? I'm so sorry.

I said you weren't paying attention to me.

I wasn't. I'm guilty. Guilty, Your Honor.

Now, do you think you can read the mind of someone who's been in a coma for about fourty years?

I'll give it a try, but it sounds boring.

All right, now, listen.

Only you can get the information from him, and only he can fill in the blanks.

Go get him, k*ller!

I wish I could wake up, but I think it smells in here...

Or is that just the inside of my nose?

[Indistinct thoughts]

I have to pee-pee.

When am I gonna find out who sh*t J.R.?

I miss walking.

I'm still hungry.

They didn't feed me enough.

I wish I had a book.

Oh. Hey, this might be a little confusing for you, but you've been in a coma for fourty years.

I'm not really here.

I'm communicating with you via mental telepathy.

Wow.

So many questions.

Hey, did they ever finish building that World Trade Center in New York?

Well, yes.

Hot dog!

But...

How do you think it's going in there?

Tucker: Mama mia!

Those pricks. One more random thing.

How did that Challenger flight go?

Yeah... So they want me to ask you some questions.

All right.

Is Aetna your primary carrier or are you being covered by another plan?

Gee whiz, you know, I really don't know. You know, I probably...

Do you have any other conditions we didn't know about?

I went into the coma when I was like two or three years old, so you probably have to ask my mom.

Okay, but still, this is kind of important.

Let me get this straight.

You're trying to convince me to forget that I cured cancer and allow countless people to die as a result?

Yes.

Oh.

In that case, no, thank you. I'd, uh, rather just cure it.

Do you have a niece, Dr. Richie?

[Glenn chuckles] Who doesn't?

Does she live in Charlotte, North Carolina, on Foxgrove Court?

Yeah, 2134 Foxgrove Court.

First bedroom on the right. She doesn't even have a lock on the door.

And what if something happened to her?

I'm not saying it's going to, but...

Oh, good.

One less thing for me to worry about.

Thank you.

And is your bank account 89598292?

Yeah, but that's nothing. You should hear my pin number...

2115...

What would happen if all the money money in your account just simply disappeared?

You are like my ex-wife, always worrying about something that might happen.

"This might happen.

That might happen. Aah!"

Three days, you guys got nothing.

Uh, I wouldn't call these highlights nothing.

Noah, do you have any pets?

I have a fish.

Do you know what part of the world your fish is from?

Can you just tell me the answer?

He's an Ecuadorian Calico Fantail from the Amazon River basin, a breeding ground for a parasite called leptospira.

Alex.

Take this to the lab. Cut his legs off, dissect him.

I'm willing to wager that it's a carrier.

Fortunately for you, young sportsman, leptospira isn't fatal.

Couple of days' bed rest, you'll be up and around in no time.

See that, everybody? Despite initial impressions, Noah's medical problems had nothing to do with this.

[Blood squelches] Oh!

[Monitor beeping] Code blue! He's going into a coma!

Oh. Is he? I could be wrong about all that other stuff.

[Blake yawns]

Hey, where are you taking me, anyway?

I'll give you a hint.

It's the most important thing in the world to you.

Are you taking me to my dog, Sadie?

What's the second-most important thing in the world to you?

Well, my personal relationship with G-o-d.

Third?

My glass menagerie?

Fourth?

Banana bread?

Fifth?

Billy Barty's fingertips?

Sixth?

Uh...

Oh, that's it. Come on.

Banana bread?

Oh, my God.

They finally trimmed the bushes!

Not the bushes, you idiot, the car!

Your car... It's gone. See?

Oh, right! Weird. Huh.

Well, you know what?

My lease is up next week anyway, so no biggie.

No big... Wait a minute.

Hey, I could be totally reading into this wrong, but I feel like you stole my car to get me to cooperate with you.

My organization has a very large stake in the revenues from cancer treatment.

A cure is not in our best interests.

Don't mess with us.

Wait a minute. Who do you work for? How can I get in touch with you?

We'll get in touch with you, Dr. Richie.

You don't need to know who we are.

[Tires squeal]

Glenn: Wait. My car's gone.

Haley: You went into a coma when Dr. Maestro pulled the Kn*fe out of you.

By the way, how does a ten-year-old get a job at a Kn*fe factory?

I don't know.

That definitely does not make sense.

Sal: Attention.

What is the difference between a friend and having nobody to talk to?

Everything.