02x11 - You Know No One Can Hear You, Right?

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Previously on "Childrens Hospital"...

I just wish we could hit rewind.

Life's not a VCR.

I know. Goodbye, Blake.

Goodbye, Freckles.

You're fired, Dr. Spratt, because I'd rather be liked than right.

You're not fired. You're re-hired.

Sweet.

Valerie: Babies.

Somewhere under all the masks we acquire, we're just babies...

Unwritten upon, innocently pooping in public places.

Where did you come from, little one?

Oh, what's this?

"Please help me. My real parents can't take care of me.

They can barely take care of themselves.

Please find me a home."

I'll try, little one.

I'll try.

Valerie: Then we grow up and change until we realize that the people we thought we knew were just more babies wearing masks.

You can't judge a book by its cover.

Unless, of course, it's a Mexican novella.

You pretty much know what you're getting there... I mean, a peasant girl is gonna get r*ped by a wealthy landowner.

What are you gonna do?

Whoa, Dr. Maestro!

You know hospital policy on sunglasses.

Heart surgeons only.

Take 'em off.

Dr. Maestro, what happened to you?

It's nothing, Dori.

I fell down a flight of... fists.

Listen, Owen, I had a... friend who was always making excuses for her bruises.

Turned out it was her husband who had been b*ating her.

A "friend," huh, Dori?

And what happened to this "friend"?

She got a job as a nurse in a children's hospital and went on to help other people who were suffering, as she had once suffered.

But then her nursing company moved her to Santa Fe and we lost touch.

She was kind of a bitch anyway so she probably deserved it.

But the same exact thing happened to me.

The relocation.

Not the b*ating thing.

Blake: I got a 10-year-old with severe knuckle trauma!

Owen, meet me in room 4, now!

Go, go, go!

Valerie: Sometimes we're all alone in our pain, and sometimes we're just all alone and there's nothing to...

You can't think of anything to... Talked about the "book by its cover" thing, the masks, the whole peasant-girl dealie... Uhh...

Oh! There's something happening in here.

I'm honored, Senator, that you would choose come to me.

You seem to understand the delicate nature of this request, Dr. Spratt.

The pro-life stance is essential to my re-election bid.

But my wife really needs this abortion.

I can't have a baby right now, Doctor.

My dancing career is too important to me.

I understand.

And, Daniel, you're okay with this?

I don't want to be aborted.

You knock it off!

Lola: Now, I do have to point out, just medically speaking, that your son is well beyond the traditional age for an abortion.

I'm a Christian.

I'm not interested in your medical-school scientific information proof left-wing voodoo mumbo-jumbo.

My wife wants to be a better jazz dancer, and we need to get rid of Daniel.

This is not brain surgery.

But it is a surgery.

Valerie: Wow, heavy.

Oh, here's something else I can watch and comment on.

Sometimes the worst in people brings out the best in others.

Hey. What is this?

Sy, someone left an orphan here.

Sy: Get rid of it.

Valerie: Speaking of masks, Sy hasn't been himself lately.

Valerie, do you mind?

Oh, you... You can see me.

Yeah, uh...

Sy.

Hmm?

What has happened to you?

You used to be so kind.

Yeah, but now I'm living for myself, now.

Screw the others.

Took me a long time to get in that spotlight.

Feel the light?

Huh, do you feel that?

And now that I'm here... I'm staying. Wah!

I see what's happened, and it's all my fault.

I encouraged you to spread your wings, and then you went too far.

It's as if I offered you one drink, and you've become an alcoholic.

Oh, my God.

I'm an alcoholic.

That's what it is!

Eh, just...

Help! Help!

I'm a sl*ve to the demons of alcohol!

[Baby coos]

I'll find a home for you, wee one.

[Screaming]

Hold still, please!

Owen, get over here!

Give me a hand, will you?

Come on, he's gonna lose this fist!

Blake: Come here! Restrain him!

I'm sorry, Blake... I can't do this!

What the hell's the matter with you?!

[Owen panting]

[Echoing] Hey, Owen. You're not going anywhere!

Hey, Owen. Hey, Owen. Hey, Owen.

You're not going anywhere!

Hey, Owen.

Justin.

I'm just going to work.

You're not going anywhere!

[Owen screaming]

I'm a doctor! I'm a doctor!

I'm a grown-up!

[Sobbing]

I don't like children.

Valerie: Life is like chess.

And sometimes, if you want to shake up the board, you've got to move your pieces around.

Blake to Lola 7.

Lola, Blake here used to perform a lot of abortions.

Now you guys talk.

Oh, is that true, Blake? Were you an abortionist?

Oh, hells yeah.

Why'd you stop?

This is a very complicated issue, you know.

With a lot of different sides, a lot of different viewpoints.

Plus, it just stopped being fun.

I'm unsanitary! I'm an alcoholic!

I just wish it were a black-and-white issue.

You know, I mean, there are times when abortion is a valid option, like in cases of r*pe or incest or if the mother's an a-hole.

Right.

But other times, it's such a gray area, like when the baby is sixteen years old.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

At the end of the day, it's a woman's right to choose, and nothing trumps my respect for women.

You got to do what's in your heart.

That's not my heart.

I know.

I know.

I just don't know what to do.

You got to go with your gut.

That's not my gut.

Oh, I know.

I know that.

If the senator wants an abortion, then that's his choice, and I should just respect that.

"Keep your laws off my body."

That's the kind of thing these pinkos say all the time in hospitals just like this one.

But I say that abortion is unacceptable in any case! Questions.

Senator, please... The question was about your wife and her jazz-dance career.

Valerie: Where was I?

Oh, yeah, this whole thing.

[Owen screaming]

[Gagging]

Gasoline!

Is there something you want to talk about, Owen?

I'm okay.

I once had a friend who needed to get something off her chest really badly but couldn't, so she turned to a friend who had had a similar experience.

That friend ended up helping my friend get through it.

Was that friend you, Dori?

Yes.

And I was also the other friend.

Wait, what?

Blake: Well, well, well.

Dr. Maestro, finally ready to help me with this kid or what?

Go for it.

Ow!

Blake, I have a confession to make.

I'm a battered doctor, and every day before work, this man beats me up.

You mean boy, because he's not a man... He's ten.

It almost seems that way, doesn't it?

No, it is that way, because he is ten years old.

You would think he's ten.

You would know he's ten, because he is.

Bet you he's eleven.

What are we arguing about?

Let's wake him up and ask him if he has pubic hair.

Let's never do that.

I bet he drives a car.

Bet he doesn't.

He probably has a full-time job.

He goes to school full-time.

Maybe he's from the future.

Why would that explain anything?

Looks like you two have a lot to talk about.

Like the fact that he's only ten.

No, he's not.

Sal: Attention.

Neurology rules, oncology drools.

Suck it, oncology.

Suck... it.

This is quite a moral conundrum.

Dr. Spratt! I'm calling it off!

My wife and I want to keep Daniel!

I don't understand.

I'm gonna be a grandfather.

Daniel is pregnant!

Senator, that's impossible, because Daniel is a...

Boy, am I happy for you.

My son is with child!

Come here!

My son is with child!

I fooled my parents into thinking I'm pregnant.

But what happens when no baby arrives?

They'll be sure to abort me then.

Chief: I think I might have a solution that benefits everybody.

Take this baby.

Great. Thanks.

Okay.

Look, I'm sorry.

Don't be.

I b*at you up all the time, and it's super-embarrassing because I'm only ten.

Why do you do it?

I have a dark but socially relevant situation at home.

It doesn't justify my aggressions towards you, but nevertheless, it's my source of rage.

Long story short, my old man used to smack me on the head with a sledgehammer.

You mean a sledgehammer just like this one?

No way.

I carry it around with me everywhere I go to remind me of the terrible and humiliating things my father used to do to me.

[Both laugh]

You see, we're not so different after all.

Yeah.

Ow!

Valerie: Babies.

That's all we are.

You know I can't hear you, right?

Valerie: Books without covers...

Dead air. That's all I'm getting.

Just... Long pause while you're staring at me.

Valerie: Stories without endings...

Still doing it? Yeah.

Well, I guess that's her thing.

Valerie: Tales filled with tragedy...

I'm gonna drink myself to death right here in this hotel room, at this second, right now, watch.

Oh, my God, I don't know how people can drink this stuff.

[Screaming]

Valerie: Tales filled with beauty...

You did it! Oh, it's a boy!

Valerie: Fairy tales filled with whimsy and childlike wonder... And that's the end.

Or maybe it's the beginning.

What the hell happened here?

Owen: A sledgehammer.

Valerie: Or maybe it's a little bit of both... A beginning and an end.

A begending.

So, the begend.

Sal: Attention.

I'm on a seafood diet.

I only eat seafood.