03x11 - The Night Shift

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Childrens Hospital". Aired July 11, 2010 to April 15, 2016.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.
Post Reply

03x11 - The Night Shift

Post by bunniefuu »

Announcer: Previously on Childrens Hospital...

Blake!

Blake?

No, no, I'm not Blake. I'm his brother Sir Tinkle Button.

You're a sellout! You're a Ronald McDonald...

Paint job!

Hey!

I don't like the "P" word.

Is this your card?

No.

I know. I know it's not.

Can I have your attention, please?

I have got great news for you.

All of you are gonna make twice as much money as you did last week.

All: Yeah!

Because you all get to work the night shift.

What?!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

You have to work the night shift because we had to fire the night-shift staff.

We caught them betting on a patient death pool.

Owen: Wish you'd die in a pool.

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Foreign accent ] This is a thing you need to prepare for if you're going to work...

Night shift.

Sy: Oh, this is perfect timing.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Veelam Geza.

He is the night-shift supervisor.

He's gonna show you the ropes.

It is my pleasures to look at your faces and make your hands shake.

[ Mumbles ]

What before my wondering eyes do appear?

Are you a little brown like me?

Um, my mother's father is a quarter Armenian, so he's a little brown.

Well, then I would gamble a farm that your swarthy grandpapa had beautiful eyes and full breasts, too.

Yes.

Well, then, come with me...

And let me introduce you all to the night...

Shift.

Nurse, more I.V. -- Stat.

More I.V. Coming up.

But where do you want me to stick the I.V., doctor?

We don't schedule operations at night.

What is this?

What's wrong with me, Dr. Filth?

Dr. Filth?

You have H.B.S.: Hot Boobs Syndrome.

I'm gonna need to take your temperature with my man-ometer.

[ Zipper unzips ]

Look how many C.C.s that man-ometer is.

Where are you gonna stick that thing? Here?

Here? Or in between these?

You see, this is a rectal man-ometer, so...

Oh! Oh, yeah!

Oh! Oh, yeah!

Oh, my God!

Are you nuts? Hold it!

Sir Tinkle Button: Whoa! Cut!

Cut!

What is your problem, man?!

I said you could use the supply closet.

I said you could use the morgue. I didn't say anything about the O.R.

Yeah, and I told you we sh**t where we want, or you don't get paid.

Make sure my stupid brother doesn't find out about this, either, okay?

Your brother is Blake, right?

Yeah.

I just sense something --

A presence I haven't smelled in a long, long time.

What you are seeing with your eyes' balls is humanity's dregs.

I can't believe I have to say this, sir, but you can't sh**t your son with a crossbow.

Well, tell him to stop eating my candy.

It reminds me of the w*r in my home country.

You ever see anyone get k*lled?

Only the whole entirety of my family's people.

I was in the hospital, saving lives for babies, when I heard the sh*ts.

The rebels had come down from the hills.

By the time I had run with my foots and toes home, the rebels had k*lled with g*ns and swords my children and parents and even my wife.

So what did you do?

Using my bare hands covered only in skin, I dug holes and put my family's body insides of them.

Oh, my God.

I pour premium unleaded gasoline on top and let the flames lick my face like puppies dog.

This just got super-dark.

For ten days, I went into state of blackout rage and became k*lling machine like "Rambo" or "Rambo 2."

I am wet.

Now I will show you the night nursery.

Because I love-a da babies!

Hey, there, crying lady.

You're super-sexy and full of self-loathing: A k*ller combo.

How about I make you a thousandaire?

[ Chuckles ]

I knew it.

I thought I smelled chardonnay, sweat, and menthol cigarettes.

What's that smell? I think it's arrogance mixed with sarcasm.

If only I could bottle it.

Well, then, by your logic, it smells sweet.

Okay, so why would I make it, if no one wants to buy...

Yeah.

Fine.

You've bested me at wordplay.

But there's one thing you can't b*at me at: Making money off of things that you don't approve of.

I'm sh**ting a p*rn in your hospital.

What are you up to, Tinkle Button?

I just -- I just told you. I'm sh**ting a p*rn in the hospital.

Mm.

I'll figure it out.

It's only 11:30? I'm so ti-ti.

I am not.

I'm always on Eastern European time.

Hoo! I am full-moon horny tonight!

Hey.

Is this your card?

No.

No, it's not.

Hey.

What?

I know just what we need to make it through the night shift.

All right, you screw-heads! That's a wrap!

[ Gasps ]

Et tu, Brute?

That means "And you?"

Blake, I'm just raising money for the hospital.

Out! I'm ashamed of you!

Get out of here!

All of you!

Take five.

Doctors wear shirts!

And you --

Joanna!
Hey, it's Blake.

Yeah, my Nana volunteers with your grandma at the library on Saturdays.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah!

So, what are you doing at a p*rn sh**t?

Oh, um... I forget.

A D.P.

A D.P., huh?

That sounds crazy.

Do you need a swimsuit for a D.P.?

Sir Tinkle Button: It's double [Bleep]

What?!

Hi. I'm sorry our movie made you cry.

[ Lola crying ] It's okay. Come here.

It's okay. It's okay. Shh. Let the poison out.

[ Lola sobbing ]

The kid in room 4 is crashing!

Dr. Spratt, nurse, grab the kid and meet me there.

I'm on it!

Nurse, hurry up!

Owen: Diet pills?

I knew you were fat.

These are speed, you dumbass.

Give me some of these.

Hey, maybe I'll finally start writing that novel tonight.

I'm gonna punch a kid's appendix right out of his body!

Let's roll!

Aaah!!

[ Laughing ]

The sun is dead!

Long live the night team!

Hyah!

It's bad enough that you've defiled this hospital, but somehow, you've roped in my Nana's best friend's granddaughter!

I also happen to be a famous p*rn star.

You are such a clown.

You better mean clown in the sense that we are both clowns with the makeup and so forth!

No. I meant it in the idiomatic sense: That you're foolish, a hapless, silly individual.

You clown of a bitch!

We're losing him, Dr. Spratt!

Nurse, give this child C.P.R.!

What?

Hurry up!

But I'm not --

Do it! Hurry, nurse!

Clear!

Doing good. Flawless technique, nurse.

You could take a lesson, Dr. Spratt.

Oh!

Your face is like that of my deads wife's face.

That's weird... And sexy.

I want you to get me mouth-pregnant.

[ Zipper unzips ]

Oh, yeah, cup the balls!

Whoo! [ Valerie laughing ]

This is the most fun I've ever had!

Superfun!

Take two.

Two more?

[ Laughing ]

Hit me in the face.

Feel your hair!

♪ Superfun! ♪
♪ Super-confident! ♪
♪ Super-confident! Superfu-- ♪

Owen, wake up!

Owen, wake up! Owen!

[ Lola crying ]

You're hitting yourself!

I'm not hitting myself!

You know I hate little smacks!

Aah! Aah!

Oh, yeah!

Owen's having a heart att*ck!

Come on! Let's move!

Come on!

There's your nipple!

We're coming, Owen!

No, no, no, not today. Not today.

[ Defibrillator charging ]

Clear.

Don't touch him!

Oh.

Oh, the shock k*lled her.

He's dead.

What?

Oh, my God.

No.

Oh, my God! Owen's de-a-a-a-a-a-ad!

♪ It's the thrill ride. ♪
♪ It's a little like a sky dive. ♪
♪ Come alive with you. ♪
♪ It's the spotlight. ♪
♪ It's the magic in the first bite. ♪
♪ If you only knew... ♪
♪ The way you swoop into ♪
♪ every little move. ♪
♪ Come alive with you. ♪
♪ Come a-- ♪

Delivery for Dr. Valerie Flame.

That's me.

[ Drumroll ]

[ Chains rattling ]

Ha ha! Smoke!

But, Owen, how?

We're carrying your dead body.

Are you?

[ All gasp ]

Is that your card?

Yeah.

[ All cheering ]

Oh, my God!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Unbelievable.

♪ Come alive with you. ♪

So, you got a baby in there?

Supposedly.

You know, if you ever want to make some extra cash, there's a lot of dough in preggo p*rn.

Give me 10 grand and I'll jerk off a horse.

All right. All right.

Sal: Attention, hospital staff: Everyone who promised they were coming to my improv show last Friday and didn't is a d*ck.
Post Reply