03x13 - Party Down

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Previously on Childrens Hospital...

The test came back.

It's endometrial cancer.

You have two or three weeks, tops.

How about now?

[ Owen exhales sharply ]

All right, six weeks.

The tests don't lie.

Unless, of course, it's a lie-detector test that's malfunctioning.

Then that would be a textbook example of a test lying.

But it's not, and your son is terminal.

Mmm! I finally get a chance to sit down and eat my sandwich.

Mm, that was good.

Sal: Attention hospital staff: My wife is so fat!

Please direct any follow-up questions to Human Resources.

So what happened here while I wasn't drinking in the bathroom?

About two dozen kids got some bad salmon at the Spiegelman Bar Mitzvah.

Throwing up everywhere. It's been a real bummer for me.

Hey, Blake, can you give me a hand?

Oh, sorry, pass.

You know how some people puke at the sight of blood?

I'm like that, but with puke.

Isn't everyone?

I mean, bile triggers a natural gag reflex.

Yeah, I guess you're right, Valerie. I'm not special.

Besides, it's my day off. Just came by to get my buds.

Well, there's only one man who can handle a situation this Jewish.

Glenn: Being a Jew is fantastic.

We have big hands, we kick ass at math, and we can lift three times our body weight.

Every Jewish boy dreams of becoming an older Jewish man.

But it isn't always as easy as you might think.

Nice game, gentlemen. Nice game.

Hi, sweetie.

Hey, babe.

Listen, the E.R.'s full of Jewish kids with "both ends" diarrhea.

Oi.

Should be a coffee-cakewalk for you, though, 'cause you're the only doctor here who's had a Bar Mitzvah.

You got the wrong guy.

But, Glenn, we need you.

I can't do it.

Black guys, best two out of three.

Glenn, as my boyfriend, you owe me an explanation.

I've never been Bar Mitzvah-ed. Do you get it?

Do you get it now?

So what? I mean, who cares?

A Bar Mitzvah is the passage to manhood.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was a thirteen-year old boy, a few weeks away from the big day...

And then my parents got divorced, and they canceled my Bar Mitzvah, and that was pretty much it.

So according to Hebrew law, I'm -- I'm still twelve years old.

But don't tell my pubes that. [ Chuckles ]

I won't, Glenn.

I won't.

Okay.

You know what? It's never too late.

I'm gonna throw you the biggest, the bestest Bar Mitzvah ever.

You would do that for me?

Sal: Attention, hospital staff: Yeah, I write these when I'm high.

Guys, we have an announcement to make.

I'm throwing Glenn an adult Bar Mitzvah tomorrow morning.

And you're all invited!

Oh! I call cantor!

I called it first because I am the Michael Jackson's father of cantoring.

Let's go.

♪ Bara hood, bara hood, bara hood... ♪

What's all the excitement about?

Bar Mitzvah or no-mitzvah, I ain't letting nobody cut off my foreskin.

No, Owen, you're thinking of a bris.

If a grown man was going to be circumcised, you had better believe that I would be bending over backwards, forwards, a little bit to the side, to stop him.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

Why to stop him?

What's wrong with being circumcised? I'm circumcised.

Most women prefer an untouched foreskin.

It's just way more masculine.

And more sexy.

Rarr! [ Barking ]

[ Snorting ]

[ Howling ]

[ Monkeys chattering ]

I'm sorry your Bar Mitzvah after party was ruined.

Oh, it's nothing. I'm used to vomit.

I'm a complete hypochondriac, but, you know, with actual illnesses.

Well, at least you had a ceremony.

Any advice for an up-and-coming adult?

Let's just say you should, uh, cross-check your caterer references.

Brilliant.

Hey.

Hey.

Okay. So, I sent out invitations. I rented a sound system.

I e-mailed all of your aunts.

Oh, wonderful!

But I still haven't got a temple.

What?

Apparently, this food-poisoning thing has taken out more than one Bar Mitzvah.

Oh!

Tell me about it.

I didn't realize the ten plagues included cured fish.

Hey, you are one special goyeh.

Well, maybe when you're officially a man, we can put the "adult" back into "adult Bar Mitzvah."

[ Glenn chuckles ]

Shalom, doctors.

What's going down in the world of young health?

Jewy McJew-Jew!

Glenn Richie, my old Hebrew school pal.

What is he doing here?

No, Glenn, please.

He offered to help because he felt so bad about trying to steal me away from you last year.

She's right, Glenn.

For once, I'm not here to steal your woman.

I'm here to ask you to forgive me by letting me help you.

I want to put more effort into giving you a proper Bar Mitzvah than I ever did into stealing those girls from you over the years.

Now, Valerie and I have to talk over the particulars of the ceremony.

I'll come with you.

Coming with me...

Aah.

Because you're gonna memorize your haftarah.

It's not gonna memorize itself.

Chief, I've been looking all over for you.

Look, I need you to un-circumcise me, A.S.A.Penis.

Owen, nobody hates a hoodless horseman more than me, but adding-back-foreskin surgery is incredibly dangerous.

However, if it's that important to you...

All right. Can we get started quickly?

I want to be ready for Glenn's Bar Mitzvah tomorrow.

I'm gonna need your original foreskin that was cut off of you when you were a baby.

Sorry, but it's the only way.

[ Chanting in Hebrew ]

Now you.

[ Chanting in Hebrew ]

Sy, what's it like to be a man?

Well, when you get older, you...

You realize that life is not just about being cool.

You throw away your dungarees.

You look for a lighter-weight slack --

A nice twilled docker, for instance.

Glenn, trust in Hashem.

If you don't pay attention, you're gonna get the belt again.

Back over here to the table. Come on.

McJew-Jew!

Valerie, how could you do this to me?

And, McJew-Jew, I kind of trusted you.

Valerie: Glenn?

Huh?

What are you doing?

Huh?

But I... saw you both in the car.

What car?

What?

And where are your pants?

Huh? Oh.

Oi, I've seen this before.

Pre-mitzvah nerves.

Glenn, come. We need to talk.

Blake: Hey, guys.

Forgot my ankle weights when I came back to get my buds, but I got them now.

Hope you're having a great day.

Hey, Dad.

[ Scoffs ] Owen, wow.

To what do we owe this honor?

Did you run out of sick children to "cure"?

What is your problem with me saving lives?

[ Chuckles ] Well, I'm glad you're having fun, son.

But, you know, the rest of us, we're mending pants and whatnot!

What are you doing here, anyway?

I want my foreskin back.

What makes you think I got your wiener trimmings?

Just thought it was worth a sh*t.

Yeah. Well, it wasn't, was it?

Why don't you just prance on back to your hospital, there?

For the hundredth time, just because I work with children does not make me gay.

I'm majorly into chicks.

In fact, that's why I want my foreskin back.

Well, I don't have it!

[ Speaking Chinese ]

Ching-chong with a ding-dong!

[ Arguing in Chinese ]

Hey, Mom. I see you're still Chinese.

I'll see you on China Day.

[ Speaking Chinese ]

I am so sorry, you two.

I was just so nervous, and I let my old fears come back.

Glenn, like it or not, you have my mind, my soul, and my body.

I realize that now. Thank you.

And I'm happy to put our past behind us, Glenn, and preside over your special day and, most of all, to truly be friends with you. and when you're up there on that bimah, I want you to wear this.

The J.C. Penny suit you wore at your Bar Mitzvah?

I can't wear this.

You can, Glenn, and you will.

Mazel tov.

What more can a boy ask for?

Such a day for nachas.

And you don't even have to tie the tie.

I have an idea.

Let's have the Bar Mitzvah here.

I mean, after all, Childrens Hospital is my real temple.

Only, in this temple, kids die every day.

Every day.

Well, give me that foreskin, and let's get this thing started.

Owen, this is a piece of bologna that you folded in half and nibbled the middle out of.

Stop talking and start sewing that deli meat onto me.

[ Chief chuckling ] Okay. Sterilize the bologna.

Hey, just stop! Just please stop!

Hey, get that China-man out of here! Security!

That's no China-man.

That's my dad.

Look, I'm --

I'm sorry. I lied to you, Owen.

You were never circumcised.

But I have not a foreskin.

Oh, yes, you have.

You know how a tailor hems a pair of pants --

He cuffs it off with a few stitches?

Yeah.

Well, that's what we did with you.

Oh, my gosh.

Sure. All you have to do is just, you know, rip out some of the seams.

Tell you what. Can I, uh...

Can I take over there, doc?

Sure.

All right. [ Clears throat ]

Oh, he hasn't had any anesthesia. Does that matter?

Yeah, maybe we should hold off --

Oh, ho! Ohh!

All right, just one more.

There you go! One more, big boy.

Aaaaaaah! Oh-ho!

All right.

That wasn't so bad.

Thanks, Dad.

I love you.

I love you, too, son.

Where's Mom?

Oh, Mom? I don't know.

She's around here somewhere being all Chinese.

[ Both laugh ]

Come here.

Oh, that's my boy.

Glenn: We all become a man in our own way.

It just took me a little longer.

But I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Because if it had happened any earlier, I wouldn't be in a room surrounded by so many people that I love.

I want to thank each and every one of you, for, without you, I wouldn't be the full-grown adult that I am today.

And to the girl I love, who put this all together, Valerie...

[ Chanting in Hebrew ]

Excuse me.

Hey, you would not believe the insane day I've had today.

Okay. Your breath is stink-errible.

Terrible.

"...Sinai leimor..."

Yay... Another Jew Mitzvah.

You know what? I like nurses...

Sitting on my dong.

Stop it.

You're disgusting.

What?

Jews are so sweet.

Just... Keep an eye on your wallet.

Off the phone. Off the phone.

Off the phone.

I don't understand.

Off the phone.

Oh.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, man, these hebes can eat.

I can't wait to see the comment card.

Sal: Attention hospital staff: Coffee is now available in the coffee-break room.

I mean, duh.