04x08 - Ladies Night

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Childrens Hospital". Aired July 11, 2010 to April 15, 2016.*
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A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.
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04x08 - Ladies Night

Post by bunniefuu »

Lola: Hey, Glenn, you want to try some peanut brittle?

Glenn: Uh, no way, Lola.

Last time you tried this on me, I opened it and a bunch of snakes popped out.

Lola: I know.

But this time, it's just peanut brittle. I promise.

Glenn: Hmm. It does look tasty.

Lola: Yeah.

Glenn: All right. Cool.

I'm gonna try it later.

Lola: Okay. See you later.

Glenn: Thank you.

Blake: You were incredible in there, Owen.

Owen: Tell me something I don't know.

Blake: Okay, uh, all interstates that run north-south have odd numbers.

Think about it. I-95, I-75.

Owen: I did not know that.

Blake: Yeah.

Owen: Now I know.

Glenn: [ Sniffs ]

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

It's good.

Sal: Attention, staff. Ladies get 50% off today.

We just came in for an appendectomy because it's so much cheaper tonight.

And can you give him six flu sh*ts now?

Just trying to take advantage of the ladies night discount.

Blake: Can I get some of that?

Thank you.


Glenn: Ladies night is the perfect night to meet women because it combines their two favorite things.

Blake: Cooking and cleaning?

Glenn: No.

Owen: Ryan gosling and rice pudding?

Glenn: No.

Blake: Tattoo and tattoo removal?

Glenn: No.

Saving money and taking care of their kids.

It is the perfect night to have sex with vulnerable babes.

[ Laughs ]

Cat: Ladies night sucks.

All the guys turn into walking, talking guys with penises.

Lola: Yeah!

Owen: I cannot wait to dive into some of this single-mom tail.

Glenn: [ Laughs ]

Lola: If men can't respect us women as smart and powerful colleagues that we are, then they don't deserve to be around us.

Cat: That's right.

I mean, girl doctors can be just like real doctors if we were only given a chance.

Lola: Let's get out of here.

Cat: Yeah.

Dori: Wait, doctors.

You have patients waiting.

Cat: Not now, Dori!

We're getting out of here!

Dori: Oh.

Glenn: So, tell me, did it hurt?

Yes. My tummy hurts.

Glenn: I am not talking to you!

So, did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?

Because falls like that tend to hurt... Stacy.

Owen: Oh.

It's a good thing I know how to do CPR on myself because you take my breath away... Stacy.

Blake: I'm a very giving person, both in my medical practice and my relationships.

I'm looking for a special lady to share that with... "stomach cramps."

Stacy: What is going on here?

Are you gonna look at my son or...?

[ Men chuckle ]

Glenn: You have a voice -- a voice like a hummingbird.

Blake: I'm a serial monogamist.

Glenn: I like that you care.

You know, so many people nowadays don't care anymore.

Owen: I bleach my teeth.

Stacy: His stomach started to hurt --

Blake: You're a natural storyteller.

Owen: I'll take a look at your son.

I don't --

Owen: I have a speedboat.

Sy: Dr. Richie.

A woman has specifically requested you by name.

Glenn: Sy, please.

This child needs my help.

Sy: No, you don't understand.

She said you were the handsomest, smartest doctor in the hospital!

Glenn: I got to go.

Blake: So, uh, is there a Mr. stomach cramps?

Whoa!

Owen: Don't worry.

You're in Dr. Maestro's hands now.

Good, 'cause my stomach really hurts!

Owen: I am not talking
to you!

Stacy: [ Chuckles ]

Glenn: The doctor is in, and I hear someone needs an injection of -- mom?!

What are you doing here?

What does it look like I'm doing here?

I'm having a baby.

Glenn: You're pregnant?

You think I'm this fat all the time?

Oh, thank you very much, Mr. man.

Glenn: Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?!

I didn't want to worry you.

The bottom line is I'm having this baby tonight, and God forbid I should want my doctor son to deliver his sibling.

Glenn: But it's ladies night.

So your mother's not a lady now?

I have an engorged vag*na, but that's not enough to convince my son that I'm a lady.

Glenn: Fine. You're a lady.

Lola: I'm proud to be a woman.

Oh, let's get some fish tacos!

Cat: Well, yelp says the best ones are at this bar in the market district.

Lola: Isn't that a low-income neighborhood?

Cat: Honey, the best ones usually are.

Both: Girl power!

Dori: Me, too! Girl power!

Stacy: Well, I certainly didn't come here expecting this to happen.

Owen: [ Chuckles ]

Stacy: It's all so overwhelming.

[ Clears throat ]

Owen: That's for you.

Stacy: Is it your phone number?

Or let me guess -- is it your e-mail address?

I'm on e-mail now.

My nephew's got me all set up on e-mail.

Owen: No, it's a prescription for your kid.

Stacy: Oh.

Owen: Oh, I'm sorry.

Stacy: Yeah?

Owen: It also might cause diarrhea.

♪ I say tomato ♪
♪ you say it's over ♪

Lola: [ Scoffs ]

"Ladies night." Oh, brother.

Cat: Let's just find a seat.

Make the best of it.

♪ I think we ought to ♪

I wouldn't sit there, ladies.

This table's reserved.

Lola: For who?!

Chief: For me!

Oh, hey, ladies!

Paco!

A round for my coworkers.

Lola: Chief, what are you doing here?

Chief: I think the question is what are you gals not
doing here every night like I am here?

I come here every night.

Yep, this is my favorite place to gather with my fellow sistas and celebrate the female experience.

Cat: Are you saying that this place is entirely guy-free?

Chief: You bet your sweet ass it is.

Hey, and now that I'm seeing that thing, you do have an exceptionally sweet ass.

Lola: It is so nice to finally get a female's perspective on such topics as Cat's ass.

Ladies, I think we've come to the right place.

Sal: Attention, staff.

Keep your laws and, more immediately, your hands off my body.

Glenn: I'm missing the fun!

Glen!!

Glenn: Coming!

Ohh! Where were you?

Glenn: I was gone for two seconds, mom.

Geez.

You never call.

You never check my cervix.

Glenn: I just checked your cervix!

You're six centimeters!

Would it k*ll you to check again?

It is so much for a mother to want her son to check her dilation with regular frequency?

Oh, by the way.

Since you gave me the epidural, I can't tell if I soiled the sheets or not.

Glenn: I can.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

[ Cheering ]

Ohh!

Yes!

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Lola: [ Sighs ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Pistore!

Pistore.

[ Cheering ]

Ugh.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Whoo!

Chief: Well, Cat, I got you a plate of rice and beans.

Best I could do.

I can't believe we're out of fish tacos.

Cat: Just my luck.

I feel like I've been waiting forever to get my mouth on a fish taco, and I don't know if it will ever happen.

[ Breathes heavily ]

Blake: Hi.

I know you're hurting right now.

I get[/i] it.

I'd like to take you out for a cup of coffee.

Let me give you my Internet name.

I'm all set up on e-mail.

Blake: Whoa!

Stacy: Excuse me!

Sy: Yes?

Stacy: This is supposed to be a half-priced hospital for ladies.

Instead, it feels like a pickup joint!

Sy: Oh, no, no.

Of course this is a hospital!

Please!

Let's go to my office.

You could put your feet up.

I've got weed.

Stacy: Ladies night is a sham!

Let's get the hell out of here!

Sy: Oh, no.

She's right.

Get away. Come on.

Please don't go!

How about 60% off?

A free mammogram!

Owen: Ladies!

Where you going?

The night's just getting started!

Sy's got weed!

Glenn: Aah! Now push, ma!

I've been pushing out babies since before you were born -- right before.

Glenn: You never respect my professional opinion.

Ow! I think I'm crowning!

Get in there! Push it aside!

I don't want a tear!

Glenn: I'm gonna be sick.

I'm gonna be sick.

I'm gonna be sick.

Can you see if the baby has any hair?

Glenn: Honestly, mom, I can't tell where your massive pubic thicket ends and the baby's head begins.

Okay. Here it comes!

[ Screaming ]

Glenn: [ Screams ]

This is a nightmare come true!

[ Baby crying ]

Hey. It's a girl!

Here comes the placenta!

Glenn: Huh?

Cat: Wait a second.

Chief: What?

Cat: I'm getting a weird feeling that you're a lesbian.

Chief: You're not?

But you're wearing a belt.

Cat: I just thought this was about sisterhood.

Chief: [ Gags ]

Cat: I know.

It's, like, kind of cheesy.

Chief: Oh, my God!

I think the fish tacos were contaminated!

Cat: You all have food poisoning!

I'm a physician. I know this.

Let's get you all to a hospital.

Chief: My girls can't afford a hospital.

These are low-income lesbians.

Most hospitals charge twice as much as they can pay.

Lola: Well, I know just where we can go!

Chief: Of course!

Both: Starbucks!

Lola: Okay!

Cat: But then we'll go to Childrens, obviously.

Chief: [ Mumbles ]

Blake: Ladies!

Sy: Paying customers!

Owen: We are back in business!

Sy: Preparing!

Let's go, gentlemen!

Glenn: [ Chuckles ]

What are you gonna name her?

Not up to me.

Glenn: You want me to name her?

Not up to you, either.

Is this her?

Here she is!

Helen, we can't thank you enough for doing this.

Glenn: You're a surrogate?!

I had to do something for money.

I'm still paying off your medical-school fees.

Glenn: Mom, I can pay off my own loans!

I make six figures a year!

Why couldn't you be a doctor like your brother?

Cat: Well, I'm glad you stopped vomiting.

Chief: Well, you better believe I won't be having fish tacos again... for at least three days.

Cat: I didn't mean to lead you on.

Chief: Of all the low-income lesbian fish-taco joints, huh?

But you know, I have enjoyed getting to know you a little better outside of work.

Cat: Yeah, me too.

Chief: Thanks.

Chief: Cat, you're getting my purse totally wet.

What are you gonna do about that?

Cat: I think when I leaned in to kiss you, I must have knocked this glass of water over.

Chief: It's really my fault.

Cat: I'm so sorry, um... Um... we -- I'm so sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there's some paper towels over there.

Chief: In the dispenser.

Yeah. That's okay.

I'll -- it'll -- I'm sure I can just kind of blot it with this blanket.

♪ She says I'm crazy ♪
♪ I said, "oh, really?" ♪
♪ I'm gonna jump on you on the bed ♪
♪ make me a cradle ♪
♪ hold me instead ♪
♪ I'm not gonna say it ♪
♪ okay, I'll say it ♪
♪ flying over stars ♪
♪ over to your room ♪
♪ I'm caught in an ice storm ♪
♪ caught in your eyes ♪
♪ I'm losing my mind ♪
♪ but winning you ♪
♪ send me you on Saturday ♪
♪ the best day ♪
♪ I want to get to you tonight ♪

Sal: Attention, staff.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, ladies!

Get funky.
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