04x09 - A Kid Walks in to a Hospital

[bunniefuu]

Glenn: Well, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.

Bad news is, the cancer has spread to the brain.

The good news is, it's carnivale!

[ Laughs ]

Lola: It just feels so right to be back together again.

Why did we ever break up in the first place?

Owen: I don't know.

Oh -- I cheated on you a number of times.

Lola: Right.

Well, mister, if you cheat on me one more time, I will not repeat this cycle of abuse and trust yet again.

Dr. Spratt: She has daddy issues.

Lola: Maxine.

Dr. Spratt: Luckily, our father d*ed before he could destroy my confidence and perfect looks.

Lola: What are you doing here, Maxine?

Why are you dressed like a doctor?

Dr. Spratt: Because I suddenly am one, proving once again that I can do anything you can do -- only prettier.

Hi. I'm Dr. Maxine Spratt, Lola's much younger sister.

You're supposed to show me the ropes today?

Owen: That's a coincidence because I showed old Lola the ropes here about 10 years ago.

Dr. Spratt: I'll be better at it -- smarter, prettier, more confident.

You know the drill by now.

[ Giggles ]

So, where are these ropes?

Owen: They're by the tomahtoes.

Glenn: I feel weird about doing this in front of the patient.

I mean, the poor girl was abandoned here this morning.

We don't even have a name.

Valerie: Don't worry.

She's in a coma.

Glenn: Yeah. Well, what about Blake?

Valerie: Blake, Glenn and I are going out.

Do you know what that means?

Blake: Well, yeah, sort of.

I mean, kids today say they're going out, but what does that even mean, you know?

It's like, "Where are you going?" "Out."

Valerie: No, I mean, do you know what that means for you and me?

We're breaking up.

Blake: Oh.

Well, that is unexpected -- mostly because we weren't dating.

Wait -- were we dating?

Valerie: Goodbye, Blake.

Blake: Oh, man.

Glenn: Uh, sidebar, if I may?

Blake: Permission granted.

Glenn: She's gone.

Dori: Sy, what's all this?

Sy: In a nutshell -- years ago, my ex-wife and I were a covert team of assassins for a secret government agency.

Dori: Got it.

Sy: I hated the life and got out.

My wife went rogue.

Dori: That's not good.

Sy: She pledged she'd k*ll me by my 60th birthday, which is today, so I'm installing this hospital-wide security system.

Dori: Oy, Sy.

Happy birthday.

I have to needlepoint you something.

Sy: I'm a 42 short.

Beth: So, every 10 minutes, the alarm goes off, and then you have 10 seconds to press this button, or the patient will die.

Lola: Well, what does the button do?

Beth: I don't know.

You're the doctor.

Lola: Yes, I am a doctor.

And this job seems more suited to a monkey or a common nurse in a zoo.

[ Rapid beeping ]

Ohh! Fine!

[ Beeping stops ]

[ Sighs ]

I'm sorry I called you a monkey.

Beth: Look, we go through a lot of intense stuff here every day, so let's just chalk it up to that and move on.

Lola: Okay. Cool.

Beth: Remember, every 10 minutes.

Lola: Oh. 10 minutes.

And done.

Valerie: We have to find our missing coma girl.

I mean -- wait. Blake's watching.

Put your hand down my pants or something.

Glenn: What?! No!

What is your deal with Blake, anyway?

I mean, how could you guys date without him even knowing it?

Valerie: We never dated.

I just told him we did so I could have the fun of breaking up with him.

He's looking again.

Just...give me a hickey.

Glenn: Oh, fine.

Valerie: This used to be us.

Blake: When?

Owen: Well, unless I miss my guess, this is Lyme disease.

Dr. Spratt: I agree -- she's not good enough for you.

Owen: Huh?

Dr. Spratt: What? Oh. Sorry.

When you said "disease" I thought you said "Lola" and I just discovered a cure.

Me.

[ Pager beeping ]

Lola: Damn!

[ Sighs ]

Whoo!

Ugh!

[ Panting ]

[ Rapid beeping ]

[ Beeping stops ]

[ Sighs ]

Too close, Lola.

Too close.

Sy: All right, Dori.

I'm finished.

Now, where are we with the extra security guards I ordered?

Dori: There's one in front of each --

Sy: Double them.

Dori: Let me finish!!

Sy: Sorry.

Dori: Thank you.

Before you interrupted me, I was going to say, there's one in front of each door.

Sy: Thank you.

Double them.

[ Electricity crackles ]

Dori: Hey, Sy... these wires have been cut.

Sy: She's already here.

[ Power shuts off ]

Wow!

Chet: You called for me, pretty doctor?

Lola: Yes, Chet.

I need you to press this button every 10 minutes.

I'll pay you.

Chet: Oh. With kissies?

Lola: With money.

Chet: W-will you at least give the money kissies?

Lola: Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. Whatever.

Chet: Whatever.

She'll do whatever.

She'll do whatever.

Blake: I feel like if you guys hadn't been making out, the patient wouldn't have slipped away.

Valerie: We weren't making out.

Blake: Val, I'm starting to think that you're messing with my head.

Ohh!

Valerie: [ Sighs ]

Well, Blake's been punched.

Glenn: Uh, good.

So, what do you say you and I --

Valerie: Yes.

Set him up in the room, put fake blood in his mouth and on the bed, and convince him that he ate the patient.

Glenn: Or I was gonna say hang out, but, you know, okay.

Yeah.

Hey.

Blake: What the hell?!

Ohh!

[ Groans ]

Valerie: Well, Blake's been punched again.

Thoughts?

Owen: I feel kind of weird about this.

Dr. Spratt: Yeah, it's really weird to just stare at each other for so long.

I'm just really good at it.

Owen: No, I feel kind of weird because of Lola.

Dr. Spratt: You're obsessed with my sister!

Okay. [ Chuckles ]

Look, I'm gonna level with you, Owen.

When Lola was born, God said, "Unh-unh. Do-over.

I said in my[/i] image."

And then he got straight to work on this business right here.

Now kiss me!

Sal: Attention, staff.

Will Chet the paramedic please stop whatever he's doing and report to the E.R.?

Lola: Damn it! The button!

[ Scoffs ]

Ugh!

Oh... aahh!

Okay, what?!

Oh, God.

Oh, come on!

This is a children's hospital!

Move it!

[ Rapid beeping ]

[ Beeping stops ]

[ Sighing ] Ohhh! This is really pushing my buttons.

[ Laughs ]

But it is.

Glenn: Valerie, Blake is never gonna believe that he ate this girl.

Valerie: I know.

We'll hide her under the bed and we'll coat the inside of his mouth with food.

That way, he has a taste in his mouth.

Do you have food on you?

I have breath mints and half a hot dog.

Which one do you think tastes more like people?

Glenn: Hot dog, but there's a larger issue here.

You're clearly obsessed with Blake.

I mean, sure, you make fun of him, but you're logging a lot of hours doing it.

And now she's gone again.

Sal: The hospital is currently on lockdown.

If you are seen leaving the room you are in, you will be fired.

Lola: [ Groans ]

[ Sighs ]

I wonder if that's a size 4. Hmm.

Awesome.

[ Grunting ]

Owen: No!

No, Maxine, I can't do this.

Lola's my girlfriend.

Plus, it's worth mentioning that your mouth tastes like people.

What kind of mints do you use?

Dr. Spratt: Hot-dog mints. Why?

Lola: Oh, Owen.

Dr. Spratt: You're choosing that over me?

Owen: Yes, Maxine.

Lola is the one for me.

Sure, you're prettier and you're smarter, and you're probably a better doctor, and you're younger and you're interesting...

Sy: Can I help you, little girl?

Ohhh.

So, when your mother said she "lost the baby," she really meant she gave it to the agency to program in order to activate to k*ll me on my 60th birthday.

You look a lot like her.

This is no life for a little girl.

You should be in a playground, being pushed on a swing by your daddy.

And here's the worst part -- you're never gonna have a chance to tell your mom that I said hello.

Owen: ...And you're fun and I'm happier when I'm around you than I am when I'm with Linda.

Lola: "Lola."

[ Alarm beeping ]

Oh! Ugh! Damn!

I really wanted to see where this was going. Got to go.

Owen: And you're funny, we like to watch the same TV shows, and you don't wear those stupid glasses that she wears.

[ Both grunting ]

[ Rapid beeping ]

[ Beeping stops ]

Lola: What?

I don't get it.

There are no wires? What?

This button wasn't even connected to anything.

Or perhaps it was connected to everything.

Lola: What?

How did -- well, how are you...?

Everything is connected, Lola.

There can be no loose ends.

Maybe everything starts out connected, and life is about trying to remember that.

Valerie: I've realized it now.

I'm in love with you.

But the only way I can express myself is by doing really weird things to your mind.

Blake: I know that now.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Ugh!

Maybe we all started out connected.

[ Both grunting ]

And we're just trying to get back there.

N-no, no, no.

Let's not ruin this.

Lola: I'm so sorry.

It's fine.

Dori: Aaaaaah!

Sy: Dori. Dori! It's okay.

It's all right. This is my daughter. I did this.

Dori: Let me guess -- your wife sent her to k*ll you in her place?

Sy: Well, that's exactly right.

Dori: Oh, that reminds me -- I just needlepointed you a new tweed jacket.

Sy: Thank you.

Sal: Attention, staff.

Remember, this is all taking place in a Puerto Rican midget's fart.