05x03 - The C-Word

[bunniefuu]

Glenn: Previously on "Childrens Hospital"...

[ "Reveille" plays ]

Sal: Attention staff... It's 7:00 A.M.

Rise and shine.

Owen: [ Gasps ]

Sal: That is all.

[ Door closes ]

Cat: [ Groans ]

Night shift. Brutal.

Owen: I bet.

Cat: Good night.

Blake: Hey, O!

Owen: Hey.

Blake, watch out!

Blake: Huh?

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, man.

What is this? Some kind of Buster Keaton movie?

[ Laughs ]

Hey, hey, what's next?

A banana peel?

Owen: Blake!

[ Glass shatters ]

Blake: Aah!

Oh, my [bleep] face!

Oh, my God!

Oh.

That's fine. It's fine.

5.03 - The C-Word

Sal: Attention staff...

It's 7:00 A.M. Rise and shine.

Owen: [ Gasps ]

Sal: That is all.

Owen: That's the same song they played yesterday.

That's weird.

[ Door closes ]

Cat: [ Groans ]

Night shift. Brutal.

Good night.

Blake: Hey, O!

Owen: Wait a second.

This all happened yesterday.

Am I stuck in some sort of time loop?

Blake, watch out!

Blake: Whoa!

Whoa. Thank you.

Owen: I think I'm trapped in some sort of a time loop.

Blake: Yeah, okay, cool.

Owen: I can practice this day as much as I want.

Blake: Yeah, all right.

Owen: Yeah!

Blake: Yeah.

Whoa-ho!

Not gonna make the same mistake I did yesterday, smashing through a plate of glass like some 21st century's answer to Charlie Chaplin.

Whoa!

Aah!

Oh, my God!

I'm pretty sure my bone is sticking out of my [bleep] leg!

Oh, my God, I'm so scared!

Glenn: Hey, Owen!

Do you have any special skills or talents you want to perform for the troops in today's show?

Owen: I wish I could play the trumpet.

Glenn: Great! Your wish is my command.

[ Chuckles ]

I didn't know he could play the trumpet.

That's great.

Owen: Guess I better learn to play the trumpet.

Good thing I have an eternity to practice.

Sy: Glenn!

Do not make me sorry that I put you in charge of booking this show.

Where are the celebrities?

Glenn: Planes running a little late, Sy.

They will make it.

Sy: Who's coming?

Glenn: [ Scoffs ] I want it to be a surprise.

Sy: No, you don't.

Bono's hologram?

Glenn: Well, you know, it was just a little bit more difficult to book Bono than I anticipated.

Sy: Glenn Close? Who is he?

Glenn: All the good celebrities are doing this MTV-sponsored show for the troops in Dubai.

Sy: You better work it out, or I'm canceling the staff pizza party on Sunday.

Glenn: No pizza? You monster.

Sy: Wait a minute.

Owen plays the trumpet?

Glenn: Yeah.

Sy: Can't wait.

Glenn: I know!

Sy: Who knew?

Glenn: It should be good, right?

I think I might bump Owen up and then pop to Bono's hologram, then end big with this Glenn Close guy.

Chief: [ Sighs ]

Everyone, I have a message.

The plane containing our celebrity holograms has been sh*t down over the sea of Japan.

There were very few survivors.

Glenn: Did any of the holograms make it?

Bono?

Chief: The hard drive containing Bono's hologram crashed.

Literally.

Dori: Such young technology.

Glenn: That's it.

There's no stars and stripes show today.

I failed.

Owen: Don't worry. You still got me for the big show tonight.

I'm off to my first trumpet lesson ever right now.

Glenn: Oh.

Chief: Oh, Glenn, uh, since you're letting Owen learn the trumpet on the day of the show, how about you let me sing a song?

Glenn: No offense, Chief, but I'm sure you're a terrible singer, and people don't like to look at you at all.

You know what I mean?

Dori, look at Chief.

Dori: I'd rather not.

Glenn: See? She cannot do it.

Sal: Attention staff... Incoming wounded.

Survivors from Glenn's failure due in two minutes.

Chet: These are the lucky ones who survived the crash.

The unlucky ones?

Not as lucky.

Sy: Hey! It's international pop star Chase McKeever!

Yo, yo, bro, call me C-Werd.

Chet: Everyone! It's official!

This is happening!

I've got McKeever fever!

I'm gonna faint.

Someone catch me!

Sy: You were going to surprise me with Chase McKeever?

I am so pleased, Glenn.

[ Smooches ]

Everybody listen.

I'm Dr. Marnie Weiss, Chase's personal physician.

I tour with Chase so I can take care of any nodules and lumps.

Sy: On his voice box?

Yes, on his voice box. Let's say that.

I'm also his swagger coach.

Sy: Dr. Weiss, you take care of Chase and make him brand-new, as long as he's ready for the show today.

We are not doing your concert. [ Scoffs ]

We're on the first flight to Dubai to do the "MTV Salutes the Troops" concert.

Let's go, C-Werd.

Sy: Why can't you be more like MTV?

Glenn: Now I know how VH1 feels.

[ Trumpet plays off-key ]

Owen: [ Gasps ]

This is so hard.

The trumpet is a challenging instrument.

It takes years to become proficient.

Owen: That's okay.

I'm in a time loop.

Ah. I got it.

Sal: Attention staff.

Never mind. You're not worth it.

That is all.

Ooh! FroYo, yo!

Yeah.

Aw, damn.

I got FroYo all over my Yo-Yo, yo.

Sy: Nurse Dori, would you please remove Chet from the Celebrity Room?

Doesn't matter.

Our plane to Dubai leaves in 30 minutes.

Chet: I have McKeever fever!

Glenn: Did someone say McKeever fever?

[ Sighs ] This guy again.

Yes, he has McKeever fever.

Glenn: McKeever fever is a very rare, serious virus isolated at the McKeever Medical Conference in 1909.

Chet: Yeah, you see?

Glenn: Dori, quick... Give me 40 cc of epinephrine and prep a tetranizanol drip, stat!

Chet: [ Groans ]

Glenn: The worst of it is over.

Chet: Thank you, Dr. Richie.

Glenn: Of course.

It's okay.

It happens.

You don't have to say anything.

What do you expect me to say?

I'm sorry?

I guess I'm the bad guy here.

Come on, Chase.

Get your do-rag. We're leaving.

Sy: Could I...

Wait, wait.

Glenn, make this right.

The concert is in one hour.

Glenn: Pizza party.

Pizza party.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Okay! Well, first up... You know her.

You've probably avoided staring at her around the base.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Chief!

Chief: Ha! Oh, my God!

Cat: Go, Chief.

Chief: [ Deep voice ] ♪ I am a poor wayfaring stranger ♪
♪ travelling through... ♪

Glenn: Owen! Owen, are you ready?

Owen: No, I can't play this thing yet.

But in a few more months of todays, I'll be ready for today's big show.

Glenn: You're not in a time loop.

And I can tell by your reaction that nobody said that to you until now.

Owen: Oh.

Glenn: Yeah.

Owen: Well, cross me off the list.

Glenn: Yep, okay.

Chief: ♪ I'm going home ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Sy: Chase!

You... you convinced Chase to stay?

Glenn: I didn't do anything.

Yes, you did.

You saved two lives today... Chet's and mine, by teaching me a lesson about humility.

Yeah. Let's make some panties drop, yo!

What's up?! It's the C-Werd!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Rock music plays ]

♪ You make my heart go ♪
♪ up and down ♪

Glenn: Oh, thank you so much.

Thank me after you meet international pop superstar Madonna!

Glenn: What?!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Cat: Oh, my God.

It's really Madonna.

[ Deep voice ] ♪ Let's keep this party growin' ♪

Please welcome Rihanna!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Sy: Rihanna, too?!

♪ Touch me everywhere, man ♪
♪ touch me everywhere ♪

Louis C.K.!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Glenn: Oh, Louis!

Yeah, hi.

I guess I'm here so...

I'm standing next to Rihanna, which is... I've never felt fatter and whiter.

Cat: Oh, my God. He gets me.

He gets me.

Freddie Mercury!

Ha!

♪ When I'm all alone ♪

Glenn: He looks great!

I just want Kleenex and cake.

That's all I want.

And international swimsuit supermodel Kate Upton!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Glenn: Br-br-br-br-br-br!

♪ When I'm all alone ♪
♪ Everybody dance ♪
♪ Touch me everywhere ♪

I have a house. I have this... It's a place.

I have it.

Guys, stop masturbating at me.

Glenn: This is good.

I wish Owen was here to see this.

Hey.

Go find your friend.

Glenn: Thanks.

There he is.

Owen: I'm never gonna learn to play the trumpet.

Sure you will.

Glenn: That's right.

All you have to do is believe that you're a great trumpet player and you will be.

Right now.

Owen: Okay!

♪ Everybody dance ♪

[ "Reveille" plays ]

Glenn: I knew if you believed in yourself you could do it!

♪ Touch me everywhere ♪

My daughter is a bitch.

Glenn: [ Laughing ]

♪ Touch me everywhere ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Glenn: What a show.

Ahh.

I only wonder what might have happened between you and me.

Who says it's too late?

Sy: Guess who's getting a pizza party.

[ Feedback ]

Chief: [ Voice breaking ] Everyone, I have a message.

The plane containing all of the pizza in Japan has been sh*t down.

There are no survivors.

Did any toppings survive, or...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my [bleep] God!

Stop it!

[Bleep]

I'm supposed to be Louis C.K.

They could have got me, but they got me instead.

[ "Reveille" continues ]

Sal: Attention staff...

If you were a Japanese woman with freckles, you know you have it pretty good, right?

That is all.