05x11 - A Lot of Brouhaha Over Zilch

[bunniefuu]

Sy: We are going to oversee the opening of a clinic on a U.S. army base in Japan.

Jewy: What's going down in the world of young health?

Glenn: Jewy McJewJew!

Jewy: Glenn Richie, my old Hebrew-school pal.

Valerie: For I am not Valerie Flame, daughter of Alma and Tony Flame.

I'm Derrick Childrens!

[ All gasp ]

Chief: What?

Derrick: Long-lost son of Arthur Childrens.

This is one nutty hospital.

[ Laughter ]

5.11 - A Lot of Brouhaha Over Zilch

Blake: Shakespeare's greatest hits?

God, I hate the theater.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I like being entertained as much as the next guy, maybe even the guy next to him, but I don't want to sit in a cramped theater for three hours watching a fairy flit around.

We got fairies right here in the real world, my friend.

[ Laughing ]

You just... You got to know where to go, you know?

Usually near an enchanted forest, because they are tiny and skittish.

I don't know. I appreciate the theater.

Blake: Freeze it!

You want drama?

We got drama right here in the real world.

There's a million stories waiting to be told right here on this base.

Take Glenn, for instance.

He's in love with Cat, but they pretend to hate each other.

That's drama!

There's a fairy.

[ Giggles ] Hello!

Blake: And Sy. What about Sy?

Who put this guy in charge?

Arthur Childrens founded the hospital.

His rightful heir should have been Derrick Childrens.

Now here's the real kick in the nuts.

This is Derrick Childrens.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Dr. Valerie Flame is Derrick Childrens in drag.

She should be running the hospital, not Sy!

That's real life, and it's got everything...

Love, death, sexy stuff.

And if that's not enough drama for you, just make some.

[ Wig rips ]

Valerie: Ooh.

Owen: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened to your hair?

Valerie: Nothing.

Come on, let's just keep making out.

Owen: Wait, wait. Are you wearing a wig?

And is that stubble?

Are... are you a man?

Did I have sex with a man?

Valerie: Okay. I'm a man. You got me.

Let's just touch ding-dongs.

Owen: Ugh! We're breaking up. Sorry, dude.

Glenn: [ Laughs ] I love it.

There's like three of you... One, Two and Three.

Or are you Three?

Valerie: Get out of my way!

Glenn: Hey, what's up with him?

Cat: Glenn! [ Chuckles ]

Oh, I see that you found some ladies who like herpes.

Good for you.

Glenn: [ Chuckles ]

Hey, come on! I don't get sores. I'm just a carrier.

Is there a reason you're here or are you just trying to k*ll my boners forever?

Cat: No, I'm just on my way to the new chaplain's office.

Glenn: To confess your dying love for me?

Cat: To confess that I'm in love with the thought of you dying.

Glenn: I am dying... to watch you walk away from me right now.

Cat: Good idea. I think you'll enjoy it.

Glenn: I will enjoy it, because you're walking away from me and not because of any other reason like your ass.

Right, Blake?

Blake: Yeah, totally.

You should go spy on her.

Glenn: I'm listening.

Blake: I made a peephole in Sy's office closet...

Looks right into the new chaplain's office.

Glenn: That's creepy. Why would you do that?

Blake: I don't know.

Glenn: Gotcha.

Blake: Oh! Yeah.

Valerie: Who am I?

Derrick: I need to get my hospital back.

But how?

Valerie: [ Sighs ]

If only there was some kind of a sign...

[ Scoffs ]

Private Corcoran!

You have to flank Titania. You're her fairy servant.

Valerie: Hey, what's this play about, anyway?

Donkeys?

Mostly we're highlighting Queen Victoria's brave succession to her father's throne.

Valerie: So it's about taking your rightful place, no matter who or what stands in your way?

Yeah. And donkeys.

Valerie: That's it!

Boys, put your pants on 'cause I'm overthrowing Sy and taking back my hospital, and I need an army.

Well, we don't know you or this Sy person, but as soldiers, we will blindly follow any orders you give us.

Valerie: Yeah!

Let's go, boys!

Blake: [ Breathes deeply ]

You know, now's the time in a play, of course, where they make up some big grand metaphor about how the world's a donkey and everybody's an ass.

You know? But I'm not gonna do that.

No, it's stupid.

No wordplay with "ass."

Oh! [ Laughs ]

"Play with ass."

That's pretty good.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, you should go tell Sy about Val's plan.

Dori: Oh. Okay.

Chet: Okay.

Oh! [ Giggling ]

Owen: [ Sighs ]

Maybe I could be with a man.

But then who would send out the Christmas cards?

What do you think, Blake?

Blake: You know who invented Christmas cards?

h*tler.

What you need to do is make a grand gesture...

Something about sacrifice and commitment and also penises.

Owen: I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

Blake: Good. Enjoy your new gay lifestyle.

And remember the grand gesture!

Glenn: Now I'll get ready to spy on Cat...

But not because I love her. Because Blake suggested it.

Cat: Chaplain, I need to confess something, but it's a secret so big that you can never reveal it to anyone.

What is this secret?

Sy: Okay. So, what is Val's plan in taking over my position?

Chet: She is amassing an army using guys from the army.

Sy: Oh, I knew I should have k*lled her at Burning Man.

We were right there.

Okay. I've got a plan.

Dori, do you have any theater training?

Dori: I was a lesbian in college.

Sy: Good. What about you, Chet?

Chet: Oh, well, I slept with a few girls in college but not enough to say that I'm a lesbian.

Ooh! Well, that's quite a secret, Cat.

And secrets can be revealing.

Glenn: Jewy McJewJew.

My old Nemesis.

Jewy: I'll keep your secret, Cat, but you're gonna have to give me something in return.

Cat: What?

115 pounds of flesh... Yours, nude.

Meet me in the barracks at 7:00.

Chet: That's a great plan, Sy!

It's really fun.

Dori: And the part about the hydraulics...

That is the perfect touch.

Sy: Thanks.

Blake, I am so gonna need your help.

Blake: Yeah, yeah, I've been taking notes in a Google Doc this whole time. Hold on.

Hy... drau... lics.

Chet, you wear that.

Chet: Cool! What part am I playing?

Blake: [ Breathes deeply ]

Glenn: I have to save Cat from Jewy's clutches.

But not because I'm in love with her, because I'm not.

Blake, are you busy right now?

Blake: Yeah, actually, I got a lot on my plate right now.

Cat: I don't want to have to sleep with Jewy.

But I don't want him to tell my secret.

Glenn: [ Gasps ]

Cat: Obviously, my only option is to break out my poison lipstick...

Glenn: What is she saying?

Cat: The kind that only kills men, not women.

What do you think, Blake?

Blake?

Huh.

Well, I hope Jewy likes...

Blue? Really? Oh, my God. For real?

This is just, like, a blue lipstick?

Glenn: I have to get closer.

[ Door opens ]

Jewy: Well, well, well. Look what we have here.

Hmm. Hello, Cat.

Mm, blue lipstick with that eye shadow.

It's bold.

Cat: Excuse me while I go and slip into something a little more comfortable.

Jewy: Oh, yes, I...

Imagine you'd want to relieve your bladder before we have intercourse, make you more comfortable...

Glenn: Jewy McJewJew.

Jewy: Glenn Richie, my old Hebrew-school pal.

Glenn: You usually only have sex with the woman I'm in love with.

But Cat hates me, and I hate Cat.

Jewy: What?

Glenn: Oh, sure.

Yeah, we have regular public displays of hateful banter.

Jewy: Oh, well, Glenn, is there anyone you are attracted to right now?

I won't steal them from you.

I'm just, uh, kind of curious. Guy talk, you know.

[ Both laugh ]

Glenn: Yeah, sure, sure.

There is this one woman I had my eye on.

She's in the play tonight. But you wouldn't like her.

She has the head of a donkey.

Jewy: Oh, yeah, right. No, that's, uh, not my cup of tea.

I might just check out that play, though, just for a smile.

[ Chuckles ]

Later, Glenn.

Cat: Here I come, rabbi!

[ Sighs ]

Oh, I forgot.

Jews only have sex through a ghost costume.

But how will I kiss you?

Glenn: First, you must tell me how you truly feel about Glenn.

Cat: Oh! Just kiss me!

Glenn!

Glenn: Cat, your lips taste like crap.

Cat: No!

Blake: Cat, I am so sorry I'm late!

You probably called for me and I wasn't here, and I apologize, but I have a lot of balls in the air right now.

But if I had been here, I would've told you not to use the poison lipstick because you end up kissing Glenn.

Cat: Glenn. I...

Blake: Oops. That is my fault.

I am sorry. I will own that one.

Cat: Oh.

How did you know all this?

Blake: Oh. Uh, earlier, I moved Val's wig a little bit and that set a whole series of things in motion.

I'm talking to people about it.

I'm like, um, an omniscient narrator of sorts.

But, anyway, we have to get Glenn to Sy!

He's the only one with the antidote. Come on!

Cat: Oh.

Blake: But go get Glenn first.

Cat: Okay, okay, yeah, no!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Minstrel music plays ]

Now is the winter of our discotheque!

Valerie: Now is the perfect time to strike.

Owen: Now's the time for my thing.

Val!

I wanted to make a grand gesture of sacrifice and commitment...

So I surgically removed my penis.

[ Audience gasps, groans ]

Cat: Sy, it's Glenn!

We need your help.

He's not well!

[ Groaning ]

Sy: Poison lipstick, huh?

Cat: Yeah.

Sy: I have the antidote, but I refuse to give it to you until Val stops trying to overthrow me.

Valerie: I'll only agree to that if Owen repeats exactly what he said just a second ago.

What was that again?

Owen: Uh...Well, I was... [ Clears throat ]

I, uh, surgically removed my penis because I love you.

[ Audience gasps ]

Sy: Funny you should say that, because love... is the antidote.

All: Ah.

Cat: Glenn...

I love you.

That was my secret.

Glenn: And I love you, too.

[ Audience "awws" ]

Owen: I...

Ding-dong!

Owen: Hey! My grand gesture!

Stop that fairy!

This is my ding-dong.

Owen: Don't damage my penis!

Oh, my grand gesture!

Whoo! [ Audience screams ]

Whoo-hoo!

[ Giggling ]