05x12 - My Friend Falcon

[bunniefuu]

Another question for Just Falcon.

Me?

Yeah, Just Falcon.

I'll answer this one.

Is it hard to stop being in character when you leave the TV studio at the end of the day?

I can't answer that question because I never get out of character and I never leave the studio. Why?

Who have you been talking to? Jeff?

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Once in a generation, an actor comes along who shatters the boundaries between audience and performer...

Who makes us see the world in a different way.

Just Falcon is one of these men.

I was fortunate enough to work with him as a director for decades, until that one fateful day.

[ g*nsh*t ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Falcon! It's Falcon!

Looking back, I have to wonder...

Could I have, in some small way, been responsible for this?

I mean, am I, as some say, 100% to blame and Falcon is the victim?

[ Stammering ]

[ Sighs ]

When I think of Falcon, the man, my thoughts drift to the many years we spent together as both best friends and bitter rivals.

[ Knock on door ]

Hi. Can I come in?

Okay. Yeah. This is it.

This is the house I shared with Just Falcon.

I'm sorry. How long is this gonna take?

Sh... Shut up for a second.

[ Chuckles ]

All those memories just pouring in from...25 years ago?

Twenty...

Makes me wonder where he is now.

Oh, he still lives there. He came with the place.

Hey, Mr. Wain.

I cast Falcon as the lead in my first feature film, "The Sandwich."

Aren't you gonna eat?

Oh, that's okay. I had a part of an orange before.

Falcon was still relatively sane back then, but the atmosphere was intense.

What'd you say?

Forget it.

I just didn't hear you. What did you say?

I just said, "I hope you like your sandwich."

This is it.

This is the place where we sh*t "The Sandwich."

Gosh! 'Course, it wasn't a thrift store back then.

No. It was 20 years ago.

I didn't imagine there would be any si... Oh, wait.

There's the table and chairs. They're still here.

Wow!

Of course, this was more like this.

Yeah, that's right.

Maybe someone must have moved it or something.

You know, Kerri, the fact that I'm doing this documentary reminds me that I had the ability to bring out that special talent in Falcon, beyond all the craziness.

Here, let me show you.

I have a copy of that movie right here.

Oh, you brought it.

And if you look at this one scene, you see the way he moves his hands?

Yeah, I've seen it a lot of times.

He's doing it out of habit, not out of hunger.

Right.

Falcon... He just is trying to eat the sandwich.

He's just always had that thing, huh? That... That star quality.

Yeah. I don't know if he's always had it.

I just think it's something he learned from me.

However he got it, incredibly talented and incredibly successful.

Yeah. Your jealousy is truly mind-boggling.

I'm gonna stop the interview.

But you keep rolling and get a close-up and keep it rolling on her and push in on her.

Our second collaboration was the never-finished prison epic "Penalties of Promise," also starring the late Cutter Spindell.

While making the film in Cambodia, I dared Falcon to tattoo a cobra on his face.

Falcon mistook my meaning.

[ Whimpers ]

I meant that he should put a tattoo on the cobra's face.

I have a cobra on my face!

When he realized his own mistake, Falcon covered his flesh with that ridiculous beard...

And it was that beard that ironically led to his greatest roles.

And I want there to be no confusion about whom is buried in my tomb.

Me and Mrs. Grant.

End of story!

Falcon continued to star in a parade of biopics and literary adaptations directed by Denizen Stoop.

I need tie-dye right away!

Yeah, yeah. Tie-dye. Got it.

While Falcon betrayed me by branching off on his own, I moved ahead in my career.

I co-created the medical drama "Childrens Hospital."

Alas, the network pressured me to bring my old friend Falcon on, and I found our paths linked yet again.

Glenn: Hey!

I served my country. You dig? I'm no baby-k*ller.

Then who are you?

Glenn: I'm Dr. Glenn Richie, the new abortionist.

During the second season of Childrens Hospital, I had an intense romantic relationship with the beautiful, beautiful, Glarion Rudge, who played the always beautiful, sometimes very beautiful, Nurse Dori, but Falcon couldn't help himself and he stole her away from me.

Cut!

To recover my self-esteem, I had to create for myself a character... an alter ego... and have him written into the show.

Glenn: Jewy McJewJew.

Val: Glenn! That's so rude.

Jewy: It's Rabbi Jewy McJewJew now, Glenn.

Thus was birthed...

Rabbi Jewy McJewJew.

Dori: I'm sorry, Glenn.

Glenn: But I can change!

I can become the man you want me to be!

I love you!

Jewy: She's my girlfriend now, Glenn.

You see, from this day forward, every girl you date will be swiftly stolen away by me, just like Nurse Dori here.

You see, they're attracted to me, Glenn...Not you.

Glenn: You've beaten me.

And cut.

Good!

Okay. Cut, cut, cut!

[ Indistinct talking ]

You got it?

But Falcon failed to get the message, and he continued to undermine me.

It was on the very first day of work on the 19th season that Falcon shocked us all with a mammoth display of cruelty.

Hey, everyone.

I brought my new friend Denizen Stoop to set.

I like doing things, and this is something I'm doing.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Falcon's always telling me how great it is to work here, and, um, I love the show.

Really? Fred Nunley.

Thank you very much.

Why don't you direct some?

Yeah! You should. Yeah!

Can I ask you something?

What are you doing here?

Don't you have someone else's life story to rip off and turn into a [bleep] movie?

Oh, hey, listen, I'm not here...

I've got an idea for your next biopic.

It's about a guy who gets the [bleep] off my set if he knows what's good for him.

It's called "The Denizen Stoop Story."

I can play Denizen Stoop.

Or we could get Bradley Cooper for that.

[ Gasps ] Bradley Cooper, yes, please!

Yeah, I worked with that kid in...

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Next up, it's the Russian roulette scene.

There's a g*n on set, okay?

I'm giving the g*n to the director to make sure there are no b*ll*ts in it.

Two-minute warning, everybody. Two-minute warning.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

What happened next no one could have predicted.

Five-minute warning, David.

We prepared for the famous Russian roulette scene, unaware of how this moment would change our lives.

Here's your g*n.

What a long, strange trip it's been.

Good luck.

Thank you, Mr. Wain.

Between you and me, I could eat a horse.

The whole thing.

All right. Here we go.

Hoof to nuts.

And Charlie 16. Take 1. Marker.

And... Action.

[ g*n chamber spins ]

Glenn: Russian roulette... One b*llet, six chambers.

Maybe that'll get my adrenaline flowing.

How about that, Blake? How about that?

Blake: Glenn, Glenn, come on!

Glenn: [ Screams ]

[ g*nsh*t ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Falcon! It's Falcon!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Get a medic!

Oh, no!

How did that happen?

Here. You all right?

He's okay. No, no, no. He's okay. He's okay.

Oh, he's okay?

He's all right. It's okay.

None of the actors have been sh*t.

I'm glad he's okay.

Sorry he's been sh*t, though. Geez.

I'm sorry I missed, Mr. Wain.

So, what are we gonna do? Brunch?

One hour for brunch.

Can we get a horse in here?

Fingers were pointed at me in the witch hunt that followed, and I resigned in protest.

Or I was fired, depending on who you're talking to.

Probably Jeff.

"Childrens Hospital" had their closure, but I needed mine.

So I visited the set one last time to talk to my old friend Falcon.

How have you been?

[ Speaking Swedish ]

[ Speaking Swedish ]

There he is. There he is.

Just Falcon!

Oh, hey, Mr. Wain.

[ Sighs ]

Okay, I wasn't really [sighs] as emotionally prepared for this as I thought.

Uh...

I'm making a documentary about you.

Okay.

And I have some... lingering questions I want to ask you.

I have... I have some questions about you, because I'm making a documentary. It's fun.

What? Are you insane?

Are you insane? I have a follow-up question.

What is your favorite first memory?

You are not a director.

What?

I'm making the film. Stop it! Cut!

Everybody, cut. And action, and rolling...

No, no, no, no!

I am the director, Mr. Wain.

What are you trying to do to me?

You're in my movie.

[Bleep] you!

You are not a director! This is my show! Cut!

Can't do any... No! Stop it!

Get off me!

Get the [bleep] off me!

You cannot do this!

Mr. Wain?

What, do you have loony-bin g*ons on standby here?

Uh, they're actually extras dressed as loony-bin g*ons.

They're just helping us out till the real ones get here.

Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

Thanks, guys.

Keep it rolling.

Shh! Keep it rolling.

This is when you get the good stuff.

This is where the good stuff comes from.

And this... And you sh**t up here.

Just keep it rolling.

Keep it rolling.

After director David Wain was sent off for long-term psychological rehabilitation, I got ahold of some of his unfinished documentary footage.

As a tribute to the nice man, I vowed that I would finish it so his madness would not be wasted.

I never finished it.

I tried.

But it's very hard to make a documentary.

I never really knew Mr. Wain that well...

But he kept on hiring me for acting jobs, and for that, I'm grateful.

He seemed to really like me.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Quiet, please!

We're about to roll!

Action!