05x13 - Coming and Going

[bunniefuu]

5.13 - Coming and Going

Blake: Oh, man. We're losing this guy.

That's basal constriction. Glenn, I-I-I don't know what to do.

Glenn: He's got a B.T.O.F.

We're gonna have to hit him with some atropine.

Blake: No, no, no, no, Glenn, that could k*ll him!

Tha... That's reckless!

Glenn: Get your hands off me.

Blake: Ju...

Wow. That was...was exciting.

That was exciting.

Glenn: Eh.

Blake: Glenn, I never would have had the boots to pull off a stuff like you pulled off in there today.

I am amazed at what you do every day in that O.R.

Glenn: Eh, it ain't brain surgery.

Blake: Well, but that is literally what it is.

Glenn: I guess I've been doing it so long that...

I don't feel anything anymore.

Blake: Huh.

Glenn: Look, I'll show you. Hit me in the face.

Blake: No, no, that... That's not my style.

Glenn: Hit me in the face!

Blake: Okay.

Owen: Hey! Take that crap outside.

Glenn: Hey, hey, it's cool.

See? I didn't feel anything at all.

Lola: So, Cat and Chief, uh, I have this gift certificate for free premium cable television, but, you know, you can only redeem it if you're pregnant.

Do you guys know anyone like that?

Cat: Hmm.

Chief: Pregnant?

Valerie: Uh, guys? I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant.

Lola: Oh, thank God.

Cat: We thought that you might be, but we just didn't know how to go about it.

It was one of the... You know, it's rude to ask.

Sy: Hi, everybody. Hi, Chief.

What do I have here?

Two tickets to see Oprah live in Tokyo!

Cat: Get out of town!

Sy: Anybody want to come hang out with me?

Chief: No!

Cat: I'd really like to...

Valerie: Huge Oprah fanatic.

Sy: Well, Val, you can't go 'cause you're pregnant.

Blake, you're a clown.

Glenn, you're Jewish. You can see Oprah any old time.

Lola, you've got that thing.

Lola: What?

Sy: And Cat and Owen...

So that leaves Chief.

Hey, Chief!

Would you like to go with me, Chief?

Chief: No.

Sy: I'll see you outside in 10.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

Cat: He's saying "hello," but he's going out...

[ Soldiers shouting cadences ]

Jewy: Okay, thank you so much, Margaret, for sharing your marriage struggles with all of us.

Your stories are an inspiration to us, if also quite boring.

Now then, Lola, tell us, how was your week?

Lola: Well, I'm still a little depressed.

I feel so empty inside.

Jewy: The Torah speaks of the concept of "Tzedakah."

This is doing good for other people as a means for personal fulfillment.

Lola: Sounds tiring.

Jewy: You can start small.

Do one thing for a friend who's in need.

Take Owen here, for example.

Just the other day in one of our private, confidential sessions, he confessed to me that he's never had an orgasm.

Owen: Whoa!

Jewy: I'm trying to help you, Owen.

I think Lola here could assist you in having your first orgasm.

It would be the ultimate in giving, don't you think?

Lola: Is that true? Have you never...?

Jewy: He's never had an orgasm. He's told me many times.

Owen: I've come close. I just haven't sealed the deal.

Jewy: Go ahead. Let it out, Owen. Cry.

He cries a lot in our private sessions.

Owen: Come on, man!

Sy: Oh, Chief! I am so excited because we rarely get to spend this one-on-one time.

Chief: Well, don't get used to it. This is a one-time deal.

Hey, do these windows work?

Sy: Why?

Chief: Oh, I fart a lot on bumpy roads.

Uneven sphincter.

Sy: Oh, yeah, it'll be like roses to me.

Chief: Oh, I can absolutely guarantee it that it will not.

[ Spits ]

Lola: I have no romantic feelings for Owen, like, whatsoever.

Jewy: Maybe if you came up with a few ground rules, you'd be more comfortable with the idea.

Lola: Like...

No kissing on the mouth, no eye contact, no pet name, no snuggling, no whispering, the lights stay on, and I get to pick the music?

Like those kind of ground rules?

Jewy: Exactly, yes, that kind.

Lola: Okay. I will have sex with you.

But you will refer to me as Lola or Dr. Spratt only.

No compliments will be paid, positive or negative.

No nodding, no shaking of the head, and we are done by 6:00 p.m. tonight, orgasm or no.

Also...

Glenn: I'm telling you, man, I can't experience an emotional reaction from anything.

Blake: What about this?

[ Puppy whimpering ]

Glenn: I mean, I get that it's cute, intellectually, but it's... nothing.

Cat: Hey, what's with the suitcase?

Valerie: Oh, I'm, uh, flying to New York so I can be with my family when I go into labor.

Cat: Honey, you're too far along to get on that plane.

I mean, the pressure from the cabin's gonna make your stomach explode.

Valerie: Thanks, Cat, but... I'm a grown woman and a doctor.

I think I'll be fine.

Cat: Who said anything about you being stupid?

I never said that.

Valerie: What?

Cat: What?

Valerie: I know you didn't. Why would you say that?

Why would I even think that?

Cat: Oh, okay, good.

So you'll cancel your flight and have your baby here?

Valerie: No.

Cat: You're stupid!

Valerie: You know what?

I'm getting on that plane no matter what, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

Cat: Because you're stupid.

Blake: "...And I never saw them again.

The end."

[ Breathes deeply ]

Glenn: Nothing.

Blake: Really?

Glenn: Not a thing.

Blake: Wow! I read the whole book to you.

Lola: No saying words that have to do with moisture.

Example... Damp, wet, juicy, moist, flood, swampy.

No waving, no flailing, no butt stuff, obviously.

Blake: Ah!

Yeah!

Oh!

Glenn: Nothing.

Ballard: Hey, guys, guys!

I know you're not m*llitary, but we do have rules against fireworks around here.

Blake: Oh, I'm sorry. I usually do not break the rules.

Glenn: I do. I love breaking rules.

I do crazy things. Try me.

Ballard: Look, I am cool, but some of these other guys might be a little uptight and what have you, just 'cause we're so close to the weapons locker room.

Glenn: Weapons locker room? What, is that where they keep all the g*ns?

Ballard: Well, that's top-secret, but, yes, that's exactly where they keep all the g*ns.

Glenn: Show me.

Ballard: Okay.

Cat: Hey, um, is this the Osaka Airport?

Great, okay.

So, I'm calling on behalf of a g*ng of t*rrorists that I'm with.

Yeah, we put a very large b*mb, uh, somewhere in the airport, so I think you should probably ground all of your planes.

I know, okay.

All right, well, good luck with that.

All right, I love you...

Bye.

Another b*mb thr*at.

Williams, contact Ft. Rosenthal.

Have them send some boys over to check out the airport.

[ Telephone rings ]

Ballard: So you like weapons, this is the room for you.

And if you ever want to check the place out when I'm not around, the code is 3-4-5-8 delta echo, but you didn't hear that from me.

[ Ringing ] No answer?

All right, pull up some satellite images over Ft. Rosenthal.

Let's see what's going on.

Lola: You can't say any words related to and or having to do with intimacy.

For example... Connection, deep, yes, good, and...

No, I think that's it. Okay?

So, meet me in O.R. 3 in one hour, showered and powdered.

Owen: It's a deal.

Lola: Oh, and one more thing... No falling in love.

Jewy: What's up her twat, huh?

Williams: Captain, you need to see this right away.

These images out of Ft. Rosenthal are less than an hour old.

Get these images analyzed. They don't look m*llitary.

I want to know what kind of explosions these are.

Lola: All right.

Are you ready?

Owen: Are you gonna take your clothes off?

Lola: No. No. Okay.

[ Unzips ]

Owen: Should I?

Lola: No.

All right, okay.

Okay, now if you could just...

Owen: Unzip?

Lola: Yeah, I'm gonna move this to the side.

Owen: If you could open that.

Lola: Yep, good, and there we go.

No, don't look me in the eyes. Don't look at me.

Now, how does it feel so far?

Blake: [ Gasps ]

Glenn: Russian roulette.

One b*llet, six chambers.

Maybe this will get my adrenaline flowing.

Blake: No, come on, that's way too dangerous.

Ballard: Yeah, guys, personally, I'm cool with it, but...

Blake: Ah! Come on, come on!

[ g*n clicks ]

Glenn: Nothing. Here, you try it.

Maybe I'll feel something if it's you.

Blake: No way. I've never even sh*t a g*n before.

You think the first time should be at my own head?

Glenn: Try it, clown!

[ g*nsh*t ]

[ Electricity crackles ]

[ Energy humming ]

Blake: Uh-oh.

Williams: Captain, it looks like the power has gone out at the Fort.

What the hell is going on?

Valerie: My flight was canceled due to a b*mb thr*at.

[ Gasps ] Cat! You didn't!

What if they trace the call? You could go to prison!

Cat: Don't be so dramatic, Val.

It was a b*mb "thr*at," not a b*mb "promise."

Wait.

I got a trace report from where the b*mb thr*at was called.

Looks like it came from... inside the base.

Call in the SEAL team.

I want boots on the ground...

Boots with g*ns.

Team Spider, you are cleared to enter the perimeter.

Exercise extreme caution.

Glenn: Hey, what's this?

Blake: Aah!

Ballard: You don't need to know what that is, but it's a rocket launcher.

Do not engage. It's recon mission only.

[ Alarm blaring ]

Blake: Ow! What is that?

Valerie: [ Groans ]

Cat: What is going on? Geez.

Valerie: Nothing. Get out of here.

Cat: You're going into labor, aren't you?

Was it the siren that triggered it? How fun!

Valerie: [ Groans ]

Cat: Can I put some coconut oil on your perineum?

Ballard: Power must have knocked the phones out, too.

The perimeter alarm was set off.

Blake: What's a perimeter alarm?

Ballard: Could be nothing.

A dog could have tripped the alarm or it could be a t*rror1st invasion.

Either way, it was nice to meet you guys.

Got to go back to my post.

Glenn: Here, put this on.

Blake: Why?

Glenn: I'm gonna go sh**t something. Looks like either a dog or some t*rrorists.

Sy: You know, Oprah's studio looks so much smaller on TV.

This place is huge!

Chief: Pretty impressive warm-up band. Who is it?

Sy: The, uh, Tokyo Philharmonic.

Chief: I was gonna guess Goo Goo Dolls.

You know, I am literally, like, addicted to meatballs.

Team Spider, what intel can you provide from the air?

Glenn: Now, where's the damn dog? I need to feel.

Ah, t*rrorists.

Maybe there's a dog in there.

Blake: Whoa, whoa! We don't know that!

Hard left! We're taking fire!

Blake: Oh...

Glenn: Oh, that's Americans, not t*rrorists.

NORAD, we're being fired on!

Enemies unknown, numbers unknown!

Request immediate backup!

You got it, Spider.

A unit's on its way.

[ Orchestral music plays ]

Sy: Here comes Oprah.

Blackhawk Nine-zero-niner, you're clear to engage the enemy.

Safety's off.

Lola: Uh-huh?

Owen: Thanks for trying, Lola, but I just don't think it's working.

Cat: This is ridiculous.

I'm sorry that I called in a b*mb thr*at that prevented you from having your baby with your loved ones, okay?

♪ When I am laid ♪

Chief: That's not op-e-rah.

Oh, I see what happened here.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

Sy: Honestly, Chief, I thought it was Oprah, not opera.

Just give me five minutes, please, I know you're gonna love this.

Chief: Well, this better get good before I run out of meatballs.

Engage! Blow it all to hell!

Ballard: Aah! Run! Get to cover!

Glenn: [ Laughing ]

Blake: Glenn!

Glenn: This is happening, Blake!

I can feel this!

[ Laughing ]

I'm alive!

Blake: Glenn!

[ Body thuds ]

♪ May my wrongs create ♪
♪ No trouble ♪
♪ No trouble ♪
♪ In thy breast ♪

Sy: Isn't this moving, Chief?

Chief: Huh? What? No. Whatever.

I mean, it's no...bowl of meatballs.

[ expl*si*n ]

Lola: [ Gasps ]

Owen: Thought you said no eye-looking-into?

Lola: Oh. Well, I mean, I wasn't...

[ expl*si*n ]

What the hell is that? It sounded like a b*mb.

Owen: I think I felt something.

Lola: Really? Well, maybe the b*mb is the key.

[ Gasps ]

Let's go outside, closer to the bombs!

Owen: Closer to the bombs. Good idea.

Cat: Now let me bring your baby into this world.

Valerie: It's too late. Somebody else is already helping me.

Cat: Who?

Hello?

Valerie: She is.

Scrub up, little girl.

Blake: Aah! Come on!

Hang in there, Glenn!

What the...?

Huh?

Glenn: Oh, my gosh! They sh*t Josh!

Blake: Oh, my God. I thought this was you.

I thought it was you, Glenn. It was so confusing!

It's just Josh, the other Jewish doctor on our staff.

Glenn: He was our best Jewish pulmonary specialist.

Blake: Well, I...

I don't know if he was the best.

Glenn: Well, he's one of the top two or three I think.

Blake: Uh, what about Jake? Uh, Jake Weingart?

Glenn: Jacob's really good.

Blake: He's good. He's good.

Glenn: He's very good.

Blake: But, hey...

I'm glad you're okay.

Glenn: Oh, hey, Blake, don't worry about me.

Nothing can hurt me. Absolutely...

[ Both screaming ]

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

It's hot, it's hot! The b*llet's hot!

Blake: Relax! Relax!

Glenn: I can't!

It's a hot b*llet!

[ expl*si*n ]

It sounds like the 4th of July out there!

Valerie: It's gonna be like the 4th of July in here, too.

But really wet.

So, here... Put these gloves on.

Cat: Don't you think you're being a little stubborn by letting a 4-year-old girl deliver your baby instead of a trained O.B.?

Valerie: Dr. Little Girl is trained.

Right, Dr. Little Girl?

I can draw a unicorn and a Dracula.

Valerie: See?! Can you do that, Cat?

Cat: You know I can't.

Owen: Aah! Aah!

Lola: Hey, is that an orgasm?

Owen: No! This is terrifying!

I think we should go back inside!

Lola: Hey, what are you lookin' at?

Sorry!

Owen: Hey, hey, I think I felt something.

Lola: Maybe you like having other people around.

That gives me an idea.

Come on.

Thanks for coming on such short notice, Dori.

Dori: Oh, it's no problem. Beth is covering me at the front desk.

Is there any progress, Owen?

Owen: No, but if I could just make a little tweak to the situation...

Lola: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Jewy: Mm, yeah, this is the real Tzedakah here.

Glenn: Aah!

Blake: It's all right! All right, I've stopped the bleeding, but I got to get you out of here.

Glenn: No, no, no!

No, we can't go out there.

They're sh**ting b*ll*ts, and the b*ll*ts are so hard.

They're hard like lead and copper.

An... And they're hot!

Hot like a cat on a hot tin roof!

Blake: Shut up!

Snap out of it!

I'm not gonna let you die!

[ expl*si*n ]

Glenn: Aah!

It's okay, lady. Have more peanut butter.

Cat: Oh, Val, enough!

Valerie: Don't touch me!

Dr. Little Girl, more peanut butter!

Cat: Dr. Little Girl, with all due respect...

Glenn: Aah!

Why are they still f*ring at us?

Blake: I don't know!

The phones must still be out.

There's no way to tell them that we're Americans.

They still think we're the t*rrorists.

If there was just a way... A way to let them know we're Americans...

Wait. That's it.

If I can raise the American flag, then they'll know.

Glenn: Or... Or we could just stay here and cuddle.

[ expl*si*n ]

Blake: I got to raise the flag.

It's the only way to save us.

[ Grunting ]

Glenn: Blake?!

Bla-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a... a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ke!

[ Mozart's "Requiem" plays ]

I take it back.

I don't want to feel.

It's too much. I was kidding.

I was wrong. I was young and just a snot-nosed little kid who knows nothing about nothing.

We're all just little kids, thinking with our penises, our vaginas, respectively.

And now I'm a man...

And my friend's in trouble.

And that's the secret...

Helping others.

Tzedakah.

Duh. It's like, "duh."

[ Singing in Latin ]

Chief: What is she saying?

Sy: She's saying that she loves the king but she didn't realize it until he d*ed.

Lola: Oh, it's almost 6:00.

Owen: What?

Lola: Look, we don't have much time, but if this fails, I just want you to know I've really enjoyed spending this time with you.

Owen: Me, too, Lola.

For some reason I feel so much closer to you.

It's amazing what a few hours of full penetration can do.

Lola: And I know we're not allowed to fall in love, but if we could, I'd fall in love with you.

Owen: Whoa.

Lola: What?

Owen: I just felt something.

Lola: Oh. What's happening?

Owen: Oh, no, wait.

No, don't wait. Don't wait. Keep going. Keep going, please.

[ Both moaning ]

Valerie: [ Groaning ]

It's scary down there.

Cat: Look, let the grown-ups handle this, Dr. Little Girl.

Go find your mommy.

My mommy flew on an airplane with a baby in her tummy and her tummy went boom.

♪ Amen ♪ [ expl*si*n ]

Valerie: Oh, my God. You were right, Cat.

That could have been me.

Cat: I told you so, stupid.

[ Both moaning ]

Owen: [ Growling ]

Valerie: Aah!

Cat: You're almost there!

Just breathe!

Valerie: Oh, God! I owe you my life!

I'm gonna name my baby after you, Cat.

What's your full name?

Cat: Catholomule.

Valerie: What?

Blake: Stop! Stop! We're Americans!

Glenn: Blake!

Blake: Look at the flag!

Come on!

Owen: Aah!

Aah!

Cat: Here it comes!

Glenn: Blake! Blake!

Chief: [ Sobbing ]

[ Operatic music plays ]

Owen: [ Screaming ]

Valerie: Aah! Aah!

Chief: [ Sobbing ]

Owen: Is this what you wanted?

Lola: Yes!

Owen: Is this what you wanted?!

Glenn: I'm coming!

Cat: It's coming!

Owen: I'm coming! Aah!

[ Operatic music continues ]

Stand down.

Everyone stand down!

They're Americans!

Glenn: They're going! They're going!

[ Both laugh ]

Valerie: [ Laughing ]

Sal: Attention, staff...

w*r is not the answer unless the question is "What is the singular of 'wars'?"

That is all.

Lola: So wait... You have had an orgasm before?

Owen: I didn't realize that's what an orgasm was.

I've had thousands of those. I think it was a semantics thing.

Sy: Excuse me.

How is it possible that we were gone for 24 little hours and this place is such a mess?

It seems like a b*mb went off in here.

Blake: That is literally what happened.

Sy: That's what it seems like to me. That a b*mb went off in here.

Blake: It seems that way because that is what happened.

Sy: That's the feeling I'm getting, exactly...

I'm feeling a b*mb went off in here.

Lola: There was bombs.

Blake: You're feeling right. You're feeling right.

Sy: Well, then we're on the same page because, wow!

Anybody who came in here would feel the same way... A b*mb went off in here.

Owen: We just got att*cked.

Sy: Well, I would like to talk to those people to see if they have the same feeling I do.

Blake: You're talking to all of them right here.

Owen: Raining hellfire from above.

Lola: Screaming.

Sy: Well, it seems very "bomby."

Sal: Attention, staff...

Our m*llitary adventure is over, just like that movie, "M.A.S.H."

That is Altman.