01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Yobs! Vandals! Degenerates!

Don't attract attention, they'll come and get us.

Well, if you'd keep your head down, your luminous hair won't give the game away, Orange. co. uk!

OK, I will, Moonpig.com!

How dare you?

What website am I?

Confused.com.

Why am I Confused.com?

Only Confused.com would ask that.

Tango.

Oh, my God, it's him!

It's Lee Rind.

Oh, Lee! Lee.

Lee Rind is different from the others, Aretha.

He's actually really sensitive.

I saw him shoplift an Adele CD at Christmas.

The thing you need to remember about Lee Rind, Germaine, is that he sh*t a snail with an air r*fle!

This is memoralilia, and I am keeping it.

Lee Rind was drinking Tango the first time I saw him.

What a summer that was!

This summer!

That was this summer! Really?!

Funny, it seems like I've loved Lee Rind all my life.

How do, Princess Twinkle Toes?

This is a car park, not a massive bin.

Someone on below minimum wage going to fish that out of the hedge for ya?

You're being part of the problem, you know, not the solution, and when the oil runs out and the lights go off, you'll be regretting this, in the dark, selling sexual favours for candles.

Think on, love.

This is the life, eh?

Yes, I feel sha-mazing!

You can scoff, Aretha, but to my mind, eating Battenberg straight from the packet is as good as it gets.

I feel sorry for the guys who have to go to school.

What do they get out of it?

An education and some prospects.

An education from The Man, Aretha, what kind of an education is that?

An internationally recognised one.

Yeah, but we get to watch telly all day, every day!

There's nothing more internationally recognised than telly!

Right, then, let's crank up this all-day horror-fest.

There is a brutal opening decapitation in this one.

All right!

Trauma prevention hoods on, kids.

We don't want you having any nightmares, do we?

Oh, great! Mum's home.

Pause the fun.

Germaine, did I not tell you to mow this lawn while I was out?

No, Mum. I genuinely don't recall you asking me that. Sorry.

Look into my eyes, Germaine.

Yes, I said I would mow, I did.

Then prove to me there's some decency left in this world and mow this mother-loving lawn, Germaine. OK! OK!

What's that, Mum? Looks like a kennel, but it's round.

Are we getting a round dog?

The last thing this house needs is another living creature in it.

It's a water butt, Yoko.

I'm tired of you lot literally pissing my money away flushing the toilet, so from now on, we're going to harvest rain water and then Wolverhampton Council can stick its water meter up its arse.

Now, get that food inside.

Big ones, potatoes!

Aw, I reckon I will eat at least one fifth of this bag!

Stop ruining potatoes for me, Germaine.

Quack, quack!

Can somebody wipe my bum?!

Why has nobody wiped that child's bum?

Give me the juice. No.

Just give me some. No!

Stop it!

Need more bread.

I've licked everything on my plate, so don't bother.

Hey up, cheese on cheese!

♪ Cheese on cheese ♪
♪ I'm having a sandwich ♪
♪ Cheese on cheese ♪
♪ With Cheddar and Leicester ♪
♪ Cheese on cheese! ♪

Simon Le Bon!

Le Bon is French for "the bon," you know.

Mum, can I have that tenner I lent you back? What for?

I need a textbook for my history studies.

I don't know why you bother with the textbooks, Aretha.

You want to get on those apocalypse survival websites, school yourself up.

If the breakdown of society happens in your lifetime, you'll want to know how to make a rabbit trap out of a coat hanger, not which king Simon Schama reckons were gay.

The devaluing of education is one of the hallmarks of a totalitarian regime.

Are you accusing me of running a totalitarian regime?

That is for history to judge.

If you're buying her a textbook, can you buy me a bread maker?

I've got this plan to put it in the bedroom, so then it would be the "Breadroom!"

I'm not giving either of you any money until that lawn is mown!

When it comes to pulling your weight, you're not hitting your targets.

You need to get off your arse if you're going to make a future for yourself.

Like Alan Sugar.

Alan Sugar got off his arse.

You were given a job to do, do it.

You don't have a job.

My job is to get you off your arse.

That's management, which is what good parenting is.

Supernanny says good parenting is about setting boundaries and helping your children achieve their dreams.

Supernanny! Supernanny!

You dare mention Supernanny!

Where am I smoking, Germaine?

Am I ever by you, getting smoke on you?

No, I'm not. I'm smoking out the window, aren't I? And why's that?

Because I am a good mother.

If I hadn't had kids, I could be smoking in a chair.

And am I the only person in this house that slices cheese?!

f*cking David Cameron!

Hey, duck, it's "Luncheon Me!"

Mow that sodding lawn, Germaine.

Now, Aretha, I know you plan to lock me in that shed when I go in to get the lawn mower, I know that.

And yes, I shut you in when it was your turn, it's tit-for-tat, the Circle of Life, bad-a-boom, bad-a-bing, but listen, Aretha, there are definitely more spiders in there than last time!

Look at it!

It's seething with them, boiling!

Looks about the same as when you shut me in.

I'm trusting you.

Trusting you, Aretha.

Trust.

Sisterly trust.

No, bigger than that, Trust House Forte!

The National Trust!

I'm going to my safe place!

One, two... Oh, I'm simply Kirsty Allsopp renovating a shed.

Nothing can harm me. '..five...'

I'm thinking about bunting.

I'm thinking about bunting!

..eight, nine...

Seriously, Aretha!

There is an egg sac dangling right by my face!

Aretha! ..ten. Aretha!

My vengeance is complete.

Aretha! They're on me!

They're on me, b*at me, pat me down, scrub me down like Silkwood!

They're in my hair!

Don't let them be such a prick, Germaine, shake them off!

Those better not be my new bee sticks you're hitting her with!

Right, then, all ready to mow?

Grampy is here!

Grampy? He's not moving, what if he came here to die like a salmon?

Or to spawn like a salmon?

Oh, Mum'll go mental if he stains the carpet.

Oh, you've done it again, Dad!

Why do you climb through my window?

You've got a key.

They've thrown me out, Dell.

You've got a key, Dad!

I don't believe in keys.

I won't have 'em in the house.

I operate on trust. Did you come over the fields, Grampy?

Like Gandalf? Aye, that, I did.

Like a poor, sad warlock.

Over field and dale.

And through my bloody window box.

What's the malevolent bitch done now?

Now, Della, don't be like that about your mother.

I bloody love that little woman.

There's fire in her bones, that's what you need to understand.

I won't have anything positive said about my mother in this house.

The woman's a freakin' sociopath.

I'm broken-hearted, Dell.

It's like a stabbing pain in my balls, right in my knackers and up into my heart.

That's them Highways Jeremy Clarkson jeans you wear, you daft old sod.

I need to beg shelter over an old man's head, Della.

I am a woman in love.

What'll I do?

One night, but you'll have to go in with the kids.

The cushion covers are clean on 'em.

I'm sorry, Dad, but you give off a funny smell when you sleep and I don't want it on my upholstery.

Now, get that ashtray outside, or I'll have to Febreze you.

Aretha, pick up my pot plants.

Germaine, put the camp bed up and bulk that bolognese out.

Oh, Gok!

I wish you and I were friends.

I'd let you touch my bangers and we'd talk about Lee Rind!

You know, I sometimes feel like there's a gay man inside of me.

Maybe two gay men... having sex together.

Oh, I like that feeling.

You don't mind me talking like this, do you, Yoko?

Only, it's hard being as sensual as I'm turning out to be when you have to share a room with four siblings.

It's OK. When someone talks about something rude, I imagine a dinosaur eating them.

Really? What kind of dinosaur?

An archaeopteryx.

It could fly, but it also has teeth, and a special k*lling claw.

Sorry, I have no interest in that.

So now the girl talk is flowing, tell me this - do you ever get lumps in your period? Because I do, big time!

Aretha needs some help out front.

Oh, Lee!

What's the problem?

Is Mum's butt too big? Yes!

Mum's butt is too big, I can't handle it on my own.

I'll come right down and help you share the load of Mum's massive butt!

I can hear what you're saying, you know!

But, Mum, your butt genuinely is too big.

You're not actually as clever as you think you are, Germaine.

It's your own future you're violating.

You'll be sorry when all the water's gone and you have to look a dolphin in the eye and tell it what you did.

Germaine! I think there's a cr*ck in Mum's butt!

You broke it, Aretha!

You're in trouble.

Grampy!

I know we've got it stuck but, as Mary Poppins once said, "Well begun is half done."

Wise woman, that Poppins.

So, we'll leave that butt there for now. Time to clock off for the day.

Old Grampy could do with one of his mellow jazz smokes.

Who fancies a little drive?

Me!

Germaine! Aretha! Grampy!

Leap, Wyatt!

Like in the A-Team!

♪ I love myself I want you to love me ♪
♪ When I feel down I want you above me ♪
♪ I search myself I want you to find me ♪
♪ I forget myself I want you to remind me ♪
♪ I don't want anybody else ♪
♪ When I think about you I touch myself, oh-oh ♪
♪ I don't want anybody else ♪
♪ Oh no, oh no, oh no... ♪

This song is inappropriate!

Hey, look, there's Mum!

If we mounted the kerb we would k*ll her. We would have to be sure.

Heads down for Grampy.

At ease.

Oh, sh*t. Nan's house. No way.

Why are we here? We're on a mission, kids, like James Bond.

I am going in there, you lot are on lookout.

If you see Dr No coming, honk the horn, and fast.

She's like Greased Lightning, your nan.

Oh!

It's so nice to see Grampy.

We need to make the most of him in his living years.

I wonder how long he's got left?

Hey, Aretha, do you think Wyatt is a bit... you know, stupid?

I mean, look at those blank eyes.

He's only six.

I've seen him forget how to use a door.

Oh, Aretha, your pores are massive!

Move away, I don't want you looking at my pores! My pores are private!

Seriously, it's like looking at a colander. Don't do this, Germaine.

You are violating the human rights of my face! I can see a blackhead.

Oh, please, let me pop it like a champagne cork!

Oh, please! Oh, please!

Argh! Argh!

Your shoe just went inside my vag*na!

Oh, I think you just took my virginity with your foot! Shut up, Germaine!

I think you've made me infertile!

Good! I'm glad!

I would be an angry aunt.

Bye-bye.

Let's be off. There's been an issue with the glass in the back door Dr No won't be too keen about.

Don't be scared, it's just Winnie-the-Pooh.

That is not Winnie-the-Pooh!

Winnie-the-Pooh is yellow!

All right, it may not be A A Milne's Winnie-the-Pooh, but it's my Winnie-the-Pooh, you get me? I get you, Grampy.

And he also happens to be where I keep my stash.

So if the police stop us, chuck Winnie out the window.

Get on with it, Germaine. Mum will be all fired up when she gets back.

She's got Duncan Bannatyne's life story on her iPod. All right.

Don't hassle me.

Hey, this is the life, hey, kids?

I've got my bareback and my balls are on the mend.

Grampy, do you want to help us mow the lawn? No, no.

Grampy needs to sit here and top up his chi.

No way, man! That dog is classic!

Oh, Lee.

You love humour, don't you?

Grampy, can we have a pal to pal chat? I think I need a little... boy advice. Yeah, of course.

Grampy is always here for you.

What makes a boy fancy a girl?

I'm an arse man myself, Germaine.

So, not a good heart and a cheerful disposition then?

Nah, I don't reckon. I see, right.

So, arse-wise, the more the merrier?

You can't have too much arse?

Up to a point, Germaine, but not beyond that point.

Though some West Indian gentleman like a cushion for the pushin', if you know what I mean?

I see, right.

Don't you worry about getting a bloke, Germaine.

You are a lovely girl.

You look like lovely Mama Cass.

I think I have nice eyes.

But then Aretha worked out my eyes are only 0.02% of my total body mass.

She is good with maths, that Aretha.

It's that red hair.

Well, that's me for today.

I'm going to have a crap and watch Midlands Today.

Germaine! Mum, trust me, I am all over this lawn situation.

Every moment that passes that that lawn has not been mown you are damaging my faith in people, do you understand what I am saying?

You are making turn to the dark side, Germaine.

You are turning my lightsaber red.

Mum, who is Mama Cass?

Big fat singer who d*ed in the '60s.

Oh.

I think you should mow.

My vag*na still hurts from when you trod in it.

If I mow do you agree not to say that word again today? What, vag*na?

That is the word, yes.

Deal. Can I mouth it to myself?

No.

Oi, Ron!

Oi, Ron! Is he shouting at us?

Yes, he is shouting at us. Ron!

That's Ron! Oh, my God, he means Ron Weasley, the ginger one from Harry Potter.

Yeah, I had got the reference.

Wow! That's actually really funny.

That was really funny! I totally got your joke! I'm Germaine.

You bummer!

That was amazing. How is that amazing? He called you a bummer!

I will take bummer.

Bummer is sexual.

You need to take a long, hard look at yourself, Germaine. I do.

Frequently in the bathroom and I like what I see.

You're basically just a monkey in a dress then, aren't you?

Wouldn't it be really funny if you ran over this cable and were electrocuted? Germaine!

I am mowing. The w*r is over.

Do NOT reopen the hostilities.

But it would be really funny.

I warn you once.

This is that warning.

The warning has been given.

So sad. If you were to die!

Ron!

Jesus Christ, Aretha! You could've had my eye out with that!

No, Germaine! I would've had your face off, which is what I wanted!

I warned you, now you are on your own. So enjoy your vag*na! I will!

I will enjoy my vag*na and I won't be the only one!

♪ I wish me a merry sex-mas and a happy new me! ♪

Oh, no!

You ran over a frog, Germaine.

Yes, thanks, Wyatt. I had noticed.

You can save him, Germaine.

Yoko, pass me that brick, I will put him out of his misery.

Be gentle.

Yes, Yoko. When I smash this frog to death with this brick, I'll make sure it's gentle.

Right.

Goodbye, Kermit.

It's no good. I'm a lover, not a fighter. I can't take a life.

Do you see what happens when people bugger about, Germaine?

I'll get over it.

The frog won't though, will he?

I can't save you from your conscience on this one. Just go.

Go inside.

I'll mow the friggin' lawn.

You go and think about what you have done here. Really? Sure thing, Mum.

Mum, is he still alive?

No.

I'll get your fags.

One day, I will marry Lee Rind.

I am going to play the long game.

How long? How long do men live?

Can we have the bedroom light on so I don't have nightmares?

No, go to sleep. Oh, go on, let's give him the night light.

His hood fell off during the stabbing sequence. Very well.

Good night, guys. And good night, Grampy. Good night, all.

Everybody be careful not to step on Grampy in the night.

Don't you worry about old Grampy.

I am your protection against all those horrible monsters that come for children in the night. The whip-poor-wills and the boll weevils.

Boll weevils? Grampy's joking.

There is no such thing as boll weevils, are there, Grampy?

If that's what you want to believe.

Shh now, little ones and Grampy.

Can we have a story?

Of course.

Once upon a time, there were some children and they all went to sleep.

The end. Aretha! Be unconscious.

Grampy is a bit smelly.

f*cking David Cameron.