01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

♪ Brand-new dandy ♪
♪ First-class scene stealer ♪
♪ Walks through the crowd and takes your man ♪
♪ Sends you rushing to the mirror ♪
♪ Brush your eyebrows ♪
♪ And say there's more beauty in you than anyone ♪
♪ She'll take the worry from your head ♪
♪ But then again ♪
♪ She put trouble in your heart instead ♪
♪ Then you'll fall ♪
♪ Down to the ground ♪
♪ Down to the ground. ♪

Enchanté, Liz.

You seem very happy, Graham.

Well, the birds are singing in the trees.

All is well in the world.

May I get you a nice cup of tea?

Yes, lovely.

Mum! Make Liz a nice cup of tea!

I'm doing your bloody ironing!

She'll bring it presently.

Well, I'm delighted to see you in such a good mood, Graham.

What? I'm not allowed to be in a good mood?

Like normal people? Oh, just because he's f...

Ooh, nearly said the F word.

Just because he's big, yeah, something must have happened to make him cheerful cos otherwise, he should be all miserable and sad.

Is that what you're saying, Nursey Nurse?

No, I'm not saying that at all.

But if something has happened to cheer you up, I'd like to know about it, so we can talk about it and reinforce that good mood.

What's the point in me if I don't pick up on things like that and encourage it?

So, come on, I can tell something's good happened.

That's very perceptive of you, actually, Liz.

So, Graham Downes is going to grant you - three, two, one -

three guesses.

Hmm.

A new shirt?

Nil point. Number two.

A new computer game?

No, no. I've got a flippin' girlfriend, haven't I?

Ooh!

Have you heard?

George Clooney here has only got himself a chubby chaser.

How's it going with the new medication?

Er, yeah, I think it's helped a bit, really.

That's good. You've got a lot to deal with.

Are you two married? Is he your sweetheart?

He looks like a nice lad.

Ah. Nicer than my son.

He's good for nothing, he is. Never visits.

Mum, I live here. I've moved in.

You what? My son won't like that. Strange man in the house.

He'll turf you out, so don't you make yourself too comfortable.

Mum, I am your son. I'm Gary.

This is Nurse Liz, she comes...

Nurse? What for?

Phyllis, I'm Liz, and I come to visit once a week.

Oh, isn't that lovely?

Be nice if you could come round every week.

I do come every week.

And now your son, Gary, has moved in to look after you.

Has he?

Where is he?

Mum! I'm here!

You're Gary?

Yes! I live here with you.

I've put all these stickers, explaining what everything is.

I've written you this note, right? Read that.

"Mum, I am your son, Gary.

I am living in the spare room.

I am here to help you. Love, Gary."

And when you feel confused, just have a look at the note.

What note?

Bloody hell. She don't know that I live here, you know?

I danced for the Queen Mum when I was seven years old.

Why don't you go and put the kettle on while I give Gary his medication?

Why don't I go and put the kettle on while you give Gary his medication?

Is it a suppository?

Eh?

No, I'm not going to cancel tonight. Been looking forward to it for ages.

Oh, my polytunnel's like a jungle, I can't get in there.

I think I must have overplanted it.

Yeah, I'm just popping a fresh pea in me mouth as we speak.

Right. I'll see you later. Yeah. Bye.

♪ Just because I ask a friend about her ♪
♪ Just because I spoke her name somewhere ♪
♪ Just because I rang her number by mistake today ♪
♪ She thinks I still care. ♪

What you got so many bags for?

I've got so many vegetables on my allotment at the moment, I'm giving them away. Do you want some?

Yeah, OK, thanks. What you got?

All sorts... carrots, Swiss chard?

All right. I've never cooked nothing with chard before.

Oh, it's ever so good for you. Full of iron.

Yeah, they say that.

I've known blokes in jail who ain't touched a vegetable for 12 years.

They're hard as nails. Never done them no harm.

Why you got so many bags?

Do the bags bother you?

They do, like that, in a cluster. I wouldn't mind one, or even one in each hand, but that is a cluster and I don't like it.

Well, how many would you say is a cluster?

Four or so.

You do your breathing and I'll just put them here by the door.

Put what you're going to give me in one bag, and leave the others out there.

That's a good idea.

(He breathes in and out deeply)

I hope she's going to pick that up. That does my f*cking nut in.

Do you want some strawberries?

What?

Er, yeah. OK, yeah. Thanks.

Do you fancy doing a bit of cooking today?

Er, yeah, we could do.

We could do a bit of simple steamed carrots with a bit of a glaze, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, all right.

There we go. Maybe you'd be interested in getting an allotment.

Grow your own stuff.

Yeah. Maybe, yeah. Do I get a shed?

Course you can. Sit there, watch your peas go into pod.

I wonder if I could get you onto a waiting list.

You know, my mum used to say that you find God at the end of a spade.

You can find God in lots of places.

I've known people find him pretty quick at the end of a g*n.

Billy!

What? I've seen it, I ain't done it.

An allotment can give you a sense of achievement and peace.

That's what they mean when they say finding God at the end of a spade.

Yeah, all right, I get it.

You know, seeds and life growing and things like that. It's like God.

I ain't thick.

And some of them gardening tools, you could do some serious damage.

If you had to, like, you know.

I suppose you could, but gardening is about nurturing and growth.

Come on, let's keep positive.

OK. Do you want me to chop the vegetables?

Yeah, lovely.

Hold up. Ohh! Wait a minute, they are muddy, and I don't like mud.

Well, give them a rinse.

I've never seen 'em like that before... they are muddy.

Right, use your breathing now, Billy, all right?

I'm going to help you. Come on.

Oh, I don't know.

That's it.

Oh, no! Look! They are muddy! They are.

Oh, no. Look, it's running off.

Yeah, it is. That's it.

That's it. Keep breathing, you're doing really well.

Yeah, yeah, it's all right, as it goes.

Oi, oi! What's all that, then?

It's vegetables, innit, Tone?

From my allotment.

I've got you a load of frozen gear here, from Iceland.

Peas, carrots, sweetcorn, the lot. That won't fit in the freezer.

Well, you don't need to put it in the freezer, it's fresh.

Yeah, but look at it, it's filthy, it's got mud all over it.

Look at your hands, Bill, they're covered in mud.

Yeah, he's right. Look at 'em, they're all dirty, that's disgusting. Get it out, get rid of 'em!

Tony, Billy was doing so well then and then you just come round and wreck it!

All right, you heard of anger management?

You might have a few issues. Just breathe.

Oh, shut up!

Let it out, that's good.

♪ Tiptoe through the window ♪
♪ By the window ♪
♪ That is where I'll be ♪
♪ Come tiptoe through the tulips with me ♪
♪ Oh, tiptoe from the garden ♪
♪ By the garden... ♪

Tiny Tim there playing the old ukulele.

Now every bastard plays it, don't they?

Why can't they play a proper instrument?

I'll tell you why, because the ukulele is easy.

Nothing in this life is worth doing if it's easy.

Take this bloody harp here.

Beautiful, but I can't get a tune out of it.

I'm actually slightly regretting getting it, to be honest.

Actually reminds me of Concert for Bangladesh.

Ravi Shankar finishes tuning up and all the hippies clap!

Mind you, I couldn't tell the difference neither.

Some say that I've left a trail of destruction in my wake. And maybe I have.

But other people, they've come into my life and hurt me.

There was this one girl, Tammy, she buggered off when Thin Lizzy comes to town.

She told me she was practically a virgin, turns out she'd had enough d*ck to put a hand rail round the Isle of Man.

I nearly got a gig with Thin Lizzy once.

I done the audition, all went great, then Phil Lynott says to me,

"Can you fight?" Cos you had to be able to handle yourself in Lizzy.

Well, he comes at me, I sidestepped him, bang, I caught him right on the chin with a beautiful uppercut.

Maybe that's why I didn't get the gig.

Either that or he didn't like my accent.

I was calling myself Ray Carving in them days.

I was the first person in Hampshire to name myself after a Kn*fe.

And then David bloody Jones comes to see one of my gigs...

Guess what happened?

I don't know, Ray.

He changed his name to David bloody Bowie.

Made a bloody fortune, didn't he?

You're still very well-known.

I mean, I love What Did Santa Get For Christmas?

♪ What did Santa get for Christmas? ♪

It's hardly the bloody Rolling Stones at Glastonbury, is it?

It's so random who lasts the test of time.

I mean, there was loads of bands like the Stones, some better, you know?

Now this lot, they was different.

They knew more chords than anyone else.

Diminished this, augmented that, suspended whatsit.

They was up there with bloody Mozart!

(Hums beethoven's 5th)

I think that's...

I think that's...

It's Beethoven!

Yeah, all right, you know what I mean.

Do you know what I really hate about the '60s?

That 'thhhhp' noise that John Lennon makes on Girl, you know?

I mean, that is disgusting.

Thhhhp. You know? I mean, it makes that unlistenable to me, that song.

Thhhhp!

Thhhhp!

Thhhhp!

Stop it then, Ray.

Thhhhp. Thhhhp...

Stop it.

I really need to give you your medication.

(Ray sighs)

Yeah, I suppose so.

Music: Lovin' you by Shanice

♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la La la la la la... ♪

(She hums weakly)

Car radio: 'So, we've got another call here on this morning's subject, are women as likely to be as unfaithful as men these days?'

'Callum from Watford, you are a victim of infidelity. Tell us what happened.'

'Yes, hi, Nicky, my wife was unfaithful to me, and, er... yeah. I mean, it was catastrophic... '

Shut up.

And where are you now?

I can see Chip's big fat hands on the wheel.

He's just driving on the road like normal. It's bumpy.

And I'm rolling a f*g.

I look out front, in the distance, I can see the checkpoint coming up, but there are a load of them T... not allowed to call them Talis, civilians standing round.

I wish I'd never joked about his hands now. I feel bad about that.

He had this... he had this Sunderland tattoo on his hand.

Sunderland supporter. Never liked being called a Geordie.

He had fingers like sausages.

Chipolatas.

Chip.

OK, and go with that.

And where are you now?

I pass him his f*g, but he just... puts it behind his ear. I light mine and... look out towards the checkpoint, there's, like, 20-odd standing there.

Then suddenly, I never really saw it, we get rammed.

You know, huge flash. Everything went white and I can't hear anything.

And then, bam!

Back down to the heat and, um... everything's wrong.

I look at, look at Chip and he's, he's right beside me, the f*g is still behind his ear, but the... the, er... the rest of him...

Er, I don't want to be here. Can we stop?

Are you sure?

It's a difficult place to stop.

Yeah, no, I want to stop.

OK. Breathe in... (Jack inhales deeply) ... and out. In.

Out.

That's good. Are you OK?

You might get some flashbacks this week and just take a note of any disturbances.

You've done really well. Now, just to finish, we're going to go back to your safe place.

OK? So, imagine your carp fishing lake, Jack.

And the water.

All the sounds and smells.

Just sit there for a few minutes and just notice any sensations in your body.

Yeah.

That's nice.

I can see a mother duck swimming along with some ducklings.

Yeah, that's sweet.

Oh, f*ck!

That pike's just eaten one of those ducklings.

I'm going to get a grenade and do that f*cking pike.

Come on, Jack. You've been doing so well!

We don't want any explosions in your safe place.

No, but I'm going to f*cking have that Taliban pike!

We're going to have to think of a new safe place.

(Jack sighs)

(Phone rings)

It's the glamour, really, innit?

That's why we do this job. Right, Dave?

Mmm.

That and the endless form filling in. I love all that.

And the sex on tap.

Yeah. Well, it's the uniform, innit?

Yeah, although the first thing they always ask you to do is take it off.

Wish they'd make their mind up.

You've nicked that joke, haven't you?

Go out there and nick some bloody villains instead of other people's jokes.

You've got sex on the brain. You're rabid, Dave. Rabid.

Idiot.

I had my first sexual experience around horses.

Ha! Hey, you know that's an offence, I could arrest you for that.

No. I was like...

I was sitting on a fence, and the two horses, they were in the field...

Hold your horses.

Whoa, yeah.

Rein it in!

(They laugh)

It just went on for hours.

It was so full-on!

There was so much fluid.

Mm...

I could've sat there all day.

I love the smell of horse sweat, even now.

(Phone rings in background)

(Opera singing)

Come in, Elizabeth.

Just give it a push.

What's jammed up against this door then?

Oh, be careful, that's very important documentation.

Well, what is it?

It's probably some old rubbish.

There's lots of clutter in that hallway.

Loads of empty boxes.

You never know when you might need an empty box.

It's much more useful than a full one.

It's a fire risk.

Everything's a fire risk if you set it alight.

You need to speak to the fire brigade about getting a smoke alarm fitted, cos I don't want you to go up in a puff of smoke.

I do appreciate your concern, my dear, but if I were to die of smoke inhalation, it would actually be rather a good way to go.

Whereas, if an alarm went off, it would simply alert me to my impending doom, and that would be no fun at all.

Now, Elizabeth, I have rather a delicate matter to raise with you.

I'm not sure that "raise" is the right word there.

I can't get it up any more.

Now, look, that's anathema to someone like me.

I've lived by the sword and I'm going to bloody well die by it.

So, you tell me, if my sex life goes, what's left for me?

Well, I do understand what men are like, Herbert, and how important your virility is, but, you know, there's so many more facets to life.

Some older gentlemen that I know are looking forward to their libido disappearing. All the trouble it's got them into.

It's been attributed to many people, but I think it was Kingsley Amis who said it's rather like being chained to an idiot.

I wrote to him recently, but he hasn't replied.

Well, that's probably because he's dead, Herbert.

No, he isn't. And anyway, don't change the subject.

Come on.

What have I got left to live for?

There's lots of things.

A beautiful sunset. Read a good book. Look at a tree.

Look at a tree?!

Look at a t...

Well, yes.

I mean, trees are rather wonderful, if a little melancholy.

I mean, for the most part, they were here before us and they'll be here when we're gone.

Yes, I mean, I tip my hat to a tree, but come on.

Well, I always say, if the birds are singing, then life's worth living.

Oh, tweet bloody tweet.

Or we could just ask your GP to prescribe you some Viagra.

Oh, could you?

Yes, of course. A lot of my service users need it.

Oh, that would be wonderful, because powdered rhino horn is getting very difficult to get hold of.

Bloody expensive and the rhinos make such a fuss.

Did I say that?

Well, you were just talking about rhino horn.

Is that what your thought was about?

Oh, no. I think it was something about sausages.

Well, if it's something as important as sausages then I'm sure it'll come back.

Let's hope so, eh?

You know, I don't think I've ever met a woman without wondering what it might be like to have sex with her.

The Greeks had a saying, you see, it's a bit politically incorrect these days, but it was,

"A woman for duty, a boy for pleasure and a goat for ecstasy."

Really?

I don't know.

I might be making it up.

I don't know any more.

Thank you.

For what?

Well, for coming here.

Thank you, Herbert.

(Cat meows)

That's a lovely bit of decoration on that box. Did you do it?

Yeah.

Marilyn's in there.

Oh, sorry, love.

You must be really upset.

It's sad, of course, but it's all part of life.

We all come and go, don't we, on this Earth?

We'll all miss him.

Him? I thought you said it was called Marilyn?

Did you think Marilyn Monroe?

I did, actually. Yeah.

He was, kind of.

That's his brother, there. Boy George.

And, in the same litter, we had Toyah and Steve Strange.

Oh, so you were a New Romantic, then, when you were younger?

Yeah, I s'pose.

What was the name of that club they all went to?

Blitz Club.

Yeah, I saw that on the telly.

It looked really good.

Yeah, I s'pose.

What are you going to do with Marilyn, then?

Well, he can't stay there.

Can't he?

Well, no. I mean, this is a kitchen.

He'll be quite unhygienic in a bit.

Yeah, I s'pose.

You'll have to bury him.

My sister will do it.

Quite soon, I think.

I sit and wait.

Does an angel contemplate my fate?

And do they know the places where we go when we're grey and old?

Because I have been told that salvation lets their wings unfold.

So, when I'm lying in bed, thoughts running through my head, and I feel that love is dead, I'm loving angels instead.

♪ And through it all ♪
♪ She offers me protection ♪
♪ A lot of love and affection ♪
♪ Whether I'm right or wrong ♪
♪ And down the waterfall ♪
♪ Wherever it may take me ♪
♪ I know that life won't break me ♪
♪ When I come to call ♪
♪ She won't forsake me ♪
♪ I'm loving angels instead. ♪

If work isn't stressful enough, I've got Don.

He's out of control.

No, he hasn't seen the girls for over a month.

Oh, yeah, I'm looking forward to tonight.

I can't wait, it's been ages.

Is Christie still coming?

Oh, no, not more Botox.

Last time I saw her, her face was, like, frozen.

Yeah, she was slagging someone off and all the anger went into her eyelids and one of them flipped up and went inside out.

You know that funny thing you do when you can turn your eyelids inside out?

Yeah, she did that!

I couldn't believe it.

She looked so evil.

No!

All, right, then, yeah.

I'll see you tonight, Karen.

All right, darling, bye, bye.

So, Carlos Santana, right, he's mixed rock guitar with salsa, yeah?

Yeah, salsa. I mean, imagine when he come up with that idea!

What an epiphany, right?

Because he's probably thought it all through in his, like, head,

"Wow, what a great combination this is going to be, you know, my rock guitaring over, like, a salsa b*at!

"You know, that way I can appeal, right, to the, you know, like, the, erm, salsa people of South America."

Shaka-boom, shaka-boom. Samba on down!

Wasn't the World Cup great?

Anyway, and then, right, with the great guitaring he appeals to the rocking people of, like, North America and Europe and beyond, yeah?

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

So that way, like that, that way, he's got massive sales everywhere.

When he come up with it, he must have been, like,

"Wow! It's like Christmas Day!"

I love Christmas.

Do yer?

Yeah.

He's got his girlfriend in there.

Is she, erm... ?

Real? Yeah.

She's quite pretty.

Anyway, what do you think it is that triggers these feelings of low self-esteem, Janice?

Because if we can identify them, we might be able to think of a helpful strategy, perhaps with a bit of CBT.

(Knocking on door)

Oh, Liz! Oh, sorry, I completely forgot about our session.

It's the same time every week, Graham. Hello, I'm Liz.

Right, yes, this is Liz, my, erm... community mental health nurse.

Is that like a CPN?

I used to have one of them.

Yeah, exactly. They've just changed the name. They don't give us any more money, they've just given us a new job title.

Yeah.

Well, a point of order... remember me?!

This is Janice, my girlfriend, Janice, my girlfriend, this is Liz.

Nice to meet you.

And you.

It's probably best if you go now.

Because Liz needs these sessions to be private.

So, I'm sorry.

But I'll text you later, though, babe.

OK.

Snapchat? Oh, no tongues! Not in front of Liz!

Oh!

Bye!

Yeah, bye. Bye.

Nice to meet you.

Well, Graham!

I'm punching above me weight, and that's a rarity for me!

What are you like?!

Lovely shirt you're wearing.

Well, yeah, it's important, isn't it, not to let standards slip. That's what she done.

Like, with me dad and... (He mimics g*nsh*t) ... he was gone.

I bet you thought I'd made her up, didn't you?

Or, like, she was just a sort of online thing, eh? No.

Things are certainly moving fast, though.

Watch out, Graham's about! But what do you think of her, eh?

I don't actually know her.

But she seems nice and you were getting along well.

Oh!

But you're my priority here, Graham.

Are you worried about me, then?

Well, I am a bit concerned.

Cos, you know, when you enter into a relationship, you can leave yourself vulnerable, you can get your feelings hurt.

What do you think she's going to do?

Get into my bank account and squirrel away all my millions?

Or break my heart?

She's going to have to find it first!

Oh, Graham, your heart is as big as a...

Watch it! What was you going to say there? Big as a bus? Be careful!

My scarf's gone missing.

(Upbeat klezmer music)

Yeah, me like it, Maurice... it have a nice up-ness to it.

It make me want to dance.

Well, it's called klezmer music.

And, you know, it's played at weddings and celebrations for people to dance to.

So, it's not all doom and gloom with you people, is it?

Well, no, of course not, no. Shall we have another one?

We don't have time now, Maurice. See Nurse Liz there.

Oh!

Lovely dancing!

Oh, we had an audience!

It's like Strictly Come Dancing!

No, I've just been introducing Lorrie here to klezmer music.

Well, can you do that in your own time?

Cos this is my session with Lorrie now.

Of course, yes.

I'll just pop the kettle on and make us all a nice cup of tea.

No, thank you, Maurice. I want you to go.

Yes, I understand.

Would you like a slice of toast with that?

Maurice, get out!

Biscuits?

Lorrie, let's get rid of him.

Off you go now, Maurice. Go on!

Sugar? This is slightly intimidating!

Like Thelma and Louise!

The musicians are called... (They both urge him to leave) ... Actually, for many centuries! Thank you.

(They giggle)