01x18 - Latino 101

[bunniefuu]

I'm giving ama this box of old clothes to donate at church.

How can you tell the difference between our old clothes and our regular clothes?

This must have fallen in by mistake.

Why have a shirt with cats sh**ting lightning bolts?

It doesn't make any sense.

This is my lucky shirt, and I need it.

We're representing a landlord that doesn't rent to minorities.

So, you're representing a slumlord.

[Groans]

We're not supposed to call him that.

He's a landlord in a high-density neighborhood.

I don't get why you would work so hard to help out someone like that.

I'm not.

I'm working hard for someone like me.

Mr. Culpepper's going to pick an intern to sit at the counsel table during the trial.

[Chuckles]

So if you win you get to sit next someone who doesn't like you.

It's kind of like I'm winning right now.

Okay, I'm ready to go to mass.

Oh, I wish I could drive you, but this work, ahh.

I'm helping Cris with work, ugh.

Yeah, I-I'd totally take you, but I-I just prayed.

I get it. No one wants to take me to mass.

Want to guess who I pray about when I'm down there?

[Door opens]

Hey, ready, Natalia?

And besides, I already have a ride.

Yeah, and we better hurry 'cause [Laughs] Jesus always starts on time.

Alberto, no snacks at church today.

You chew with your mouth open.

But I get hungry.

Those communion wafers are so tiny.

I always got to go back for second helpings of Jesus.

It is the body of Christ.

It's supposed to fill your soul, not your stomach.

Body of Christ? More like his baby toe. it's so quiet in here, you guys.

It's like library quiet.

I assume you're guessing.

Can you guys think when it's this quiet?

I would love the chance to find out.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

You know, I can't think unless there's techno music playing.

Un-cssh, un-cssh, un-cssh, un-cssh, sorry.

I didn't have enough time to finish the summaries for the Sanderson trial.

Did you get all yours done, Josh?

Uh, Al... almost, I'm just double-checking.

I-I'm actually running a little bit behind, too.

Ha! I'm lying!

I totally finished the Sanderson summaries!

[Laughs]

Guess what, I finished last night.

The only thing I'm double-checking is this blank pad of paper.

Oh! Ha on you!

What are you doing, Josh?

Oh, I'm just putting Cris at ease so she's comfortable, which she shouldn't be because that is when this mild-mannered hunter feasts!

Oh, I'm at ease.

Yeah? I'm calm.

The kind of calm before the storm.

I'm the calm, you're the storm.

You about to get rained on, Josh!

Oh!

You want a pretend umbrella-Ella-Ella?

Already have one, have one, have one.

Oh-ho. And galoshes.

Oh, yeah?

Real galoshes! What?!

Yeah, that's right.

What the hell is going on?

I know what's going on.

I was right where you are three years ago.

I mean, I didn't have galoshes.

I wasn't a total nerd.

Yeah, well, uh, we'll see who's laughing a week from Tuesday.

Hmm.

It, it's supposed to rain.

Sorry, Ben. We'll keep it down. It's his fault.

He tends to get a little excited.

Oh, that's my point, you interns can't turn on each other.

You know, for a delivery guy, you're really pushy.

Maddie, this is Ben Buckner.

He's an associate.

Didn't the suit say "not a delivery guy"?

Well, it sure didn't say "lawyer."

Am I right? [Laughs]

I thought I was friends with the guys I was interning with, but then things got real ugly towards the end, and now we don't even speak to each other.

It'd be great if you weren't speaking to us right now.

Hey, Josh, maybe we should listen to him.

I mean, you make a great point.

Go on, Ben.

That was it.

Oh, and, uh, can one of you interns mail all this?

You do it, Josh.

He was looking at you when he said it.

Oh, no...

[clears throat]

I've read your work, and I have made my decision.

Oh, no, I haven't turned mine in yet, daddy.

Oh. Yeah. Right.

Um... yes.

Do you have it here now?

[Inhales sharply] Not yet.

Well, whenever you can.

Um...

The intern who will be sitting at counsel table for the Sanderson case is Cristela.

Ah!

Thanks, lightning bolt cats!

Pew, pew, pew! [Laughs]

Alberto, you really know your way around a kitchen.

Smells good.

Thank you.

You know, it's one of my favorite rooms.

Enchiladas? Ah!

Alberto and I made them.

To-together?

[Chuckles]

That's a little weird.

What's next, new shorts?

Wait, are those new shorts?

Yeah, these are my church shorts.

We're bringing supper to the choir.

And it's gluten free.

We think.

Yeah, we're gonna say it's gluten free.

Hey, what's up with Alberto and your mother?

I know.

He's spending time with ama, and no one's making him.

Wait, isn't the expression "doing time with ama"?

[Both laugh]

Yeah, they're going to church. They're making dinner.

Both of them doing good things makes me nervous.

Mm.

Shh. Here he comes.

You guys captivated by my swagger?

You know, the trick is in the hips.

It's like my dancing.

You are still rocking those church shorts.

Yeah, just, uh, taking some food to the choir.

With ama.

Not weird at all.

I think it's sweet.

Good for you, Alberto. Thank you.

You know, um, I'd ask you for a hug, but, uh, I don't want to ruin the roll I'm on.

Consider it your lucky day.

What?!

[Both chuckle]

You know, I'd ask you for a kiss, but I don't want to ruin the roll I'm on.

Consider it ruined.

Still got a hug, so whatever.

[Laughs]

I know why he's being so nice to ama.

He's using her to get in good with Cristela.

[Sighs] Using a sad, lonely, old woman to romance a sad, lonely, slightly younger woman.

Everyone involved is sad.

I'm not gonna let you ruin my mood today, Felix, because I got a seat at the table for the Sanderson trial.

Oh, that's so great, Cris.

[Laughs]

[Both laugh]

Ah.

I knew you'd get it.

Really?

I didn't know you knew that I was that good.

I don't. I just know you're not white.

What's that got to do with it?

Uh, you know, the guy doesn't rent to minorities.

Of course your boss is gonna want a minority sitting next to him.

Congratulations.

I didn't get the job because I'm Mexican.

I got the job because I'm the best person for it.

Who cares? You got the job.

Yay!

I care.

Yeah, but you care about dumb things.

You're right.

I care about you.

Look, if being Mexican helped you, then it helped you.

That never happens. We should be celebrating.

Everybody uses what they have.

There are two ways I could get a raise at the call center, wearing a flannel shirt or spaghetti straps.

Let me guess.

I got two raises last year.

Whoo-hoo!

And you're okay with her doing that?

Of course I am.

If her boss didn't like her shoulders, then I wouldn't own a chain saw.

Taking every advantage you can get is the American way, especially if, like us, you have fewer advantages.

Even my advantage is my disadvantage.

I'm so handsome, it can be intimidating.

And then you open your mouth and everyone relaxes.

Excuse me, Mr. Culpepper. Can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, first time at the big table.

Got the jitters, huh? Well, it happens.

Now, I can't advise you to have a sh*t of liquid courage to settle your nerves, but I could leave the room and point out where the liquor is.

No. Thanks.

Did I get this assignment because of...

Any non-work-related something?

Sorry, what are we doing with this?

Am I sitting at counsel table because I'm a minority?

Of course you are.

Oh.

Wow.

Well, you read the case.

You may be the only chance this guy has.

I'm not sure I want to win the assignment this way.

[Sighs] Look, you and Josh were both great.

Maddie...

Is sweet.

But having you there is gonna make Mr. Sanderson look more sympathetic, well, to roughly half the jurors in Texas.

I can't believe this.

So, if Maddie was brown, she would be the one sitting next to you?

Well, if Maddie was brown, my first wife would have a lot of explaining to do.

I just need to hear you say that I earned this with my work.

[Sighs]

Well, if it means that much to you, okay.

You didn't say it.

Look, I don't have time for this, Cristela.

You gonna do it or not?

I'm gonna do it under protest.

I see.

So, you're protesting getting special treatment.

What is it with you people?

Oh, hey, congratulations.

Counsel table, huh? You must be so excited.

Yeah. I'm thrilled.

You should be.

I mean, I would have been happy if it was me.

I think I'm even happier that it's you.

Oh, my God. Can you just be a sore loser?

What's wrong?

Look, this isn't a great win for me, okay?

Mr. Culpepper picked me because I'm Latino.

Of course.

You won because of something I have no control over.

I mean, you can't study to be Mexican.

Wait. Can you?

He just thought that it would make Sanderson look better if he had a Latino sitting next to him.

Are you kidding me?

That idea was in my Sanderson brief.

I did this to myself.

I was discriminated against because of the color of my skin, by me.

Doesn't feel good, does it?

Not at all.

Sistah?

Yeah, we're not doing that.

We will establish that my client is someone who doesn't racially profile, who doesn't care about the color of someone's skin when it comes to renting one of his apartments.

Yes, Mr. Sanderson is discriminating, but only when it comes to who has good credit.

[Laughs]

That was a clever remark.

Feel free to chuckle along if you like.

[Laugh forcefully]

Ha! See? She's laughing.

It's, it's, it's okay.

In closing, as my Mexican-American colleague is always quick to point out, and I'm sure you fellow Mexican-Americans can agree, there is no room in this great country for the type of discrimination that my client is accused of.

And to that idea, I say, Mr. Sanderson says, we all say, "sí, claro que, sí."

[Sighs]

What's up with those two hombres?

They've been giving me the stink eye ever since I said I was cool with you people.

They're Cuban.

You just called two Cubans Mexican.

Two totally different things.

Well, I thought we were all God's children, just come from four or five different color groups.

That is a theory I would love to not hear more about.

You know, not all latinos are the same.

Well, then why are you all called latinos?

Because someone not Latino needed a name for it.

You're dropping this bombshell on me now, huh?

Viva la raza!

Oh!

Alberto, good, you're here.

You know, it's nice to finally hear somebody say that.

I wanted to talk to you about why you're spending so much time with ama.

What? I like spending time with her.

It's okay. You can be honest.

This is a safe place. No one can hurt you here.

[Laughing] Silly.

Natalia, I'm loading the food!

Come on. I'm doing you guys a favor.

You guys don't like hanging out with her.

Alberto, you're a great guy.

You have many, many good qualities, but Cris is not gonna happen.

What does Cris have to do with this?

Ay, it's obvious.

You're making ama happy to get in good with her, but what you're not taking into account is Cris doesn't want her happy.

Look, I'm not doing this for Cris.

Why is that so hard for you guys to believe that I enjoy hanging out with miss Natalia?

'Cause we don't want to.

Are you trying to steal her savings?

'Cause all $80 of it is in the coffee tin.

Look, your mom happens to be a great lady.

[Sighs] Of course she is.

She has many, many good qualities.

One day, I'll think of one.

Listen, Daniela, the truth is is that next week will be 10 years since my mom passed away.

Oh.

Lo siento mucho, Alberto.

Yeah, you know, it's crazy how time flies.

And you want ama to give your mom a message when she sees her in heaven.

Could be soon.

Listen, Daniela, let me tell you something about me you might not know.

When my mom passed away, I was in, uh, I was in high school.

And when that happened, I got mixed up, uh, with a rough crowd.

I got caught stealing beef jerky.

Yeah, that was a rough crowd.

Yeah, and when that happened, your mom, she stepped in and she saved the day.

She paid for the beef jerky, and she came over to the house every day that summer to cook for me and make sure I was okay.

Wow.

That's so nice.

My ama?

Yeah, hard to believe. Your ama.

Phew.

And all this week, we've been light novena candles for my mom.

You know, and [Chuckles]

Hey, you guys might not see it, but underneath all that, she's a genuine, nurturing soul.

Natalia: Hey!

How long you gonna keep me waiting, Baboso?

Isn't she adorable?

Don't wait up.

Hey, ama, maybe I can go with you and Alberto to bingo.

Oh, yeah, that's just what we need, you and your bad luck.

Come on, bingo Buddha. Let's go.

Adorable.

[Door closes]

He's still hanging with a rough crowd.

So, he picked Cristela, huh?

Tough break, Josh.

Uh, why just me?

Well, 'cause Cristela's k*lling it, Maddie's the boss's daughter.

What have you got?

I'll tell you what you've got, a letter of recommendation from Ben Buckner whenever you want it.

[Elevator bell dings]

Oh, how did court go today, sir?

Terrible.

Apparently, some people of color judge other people of color by their cultural heritage.

And it disgusts me!

Well, sorry it didn't work out.

We'll miss you tomorrow, Cris.

What?

Yeah, well, you were there. They hated you.

They didn't hate me.

The Cubans weren't cool with the guy that called them Mexicans.

Yeah, but I can't fire myself.

You understand.

Well, how is f*ring me gonna make them like you?

Because they hated you and I fired you.

They didn't hate me!

Do you hate me?

Starting to.

[Scoffs]

Josh, it's next intern up.

Your turn tomorrow at the counsel table.

Josh, you hear what I said?

It's your turn tomorrow at the counsel table.

No.

What?

Uh, no, sir, I-I can't take her spot.

She didn't do anything wrong.

Wow.

Gee, I'd like to say that I respect you for saying that.

But I don't.

Well, I do.

It's very nice.

Oh.

Well, then you and your nice friend are off the case.

Well, I am not taking the case, either, daddy.

Oh, gosh. No.

Uh, I think it's my turn again, and I am ready to fight for myself just as hard as I would fight for that r*cist with a heart of gold, Mr. Sanderson.

All right, you got two minutes.

Sir, you made a mistake thinking that all brown people are alike.

Believe it or not, you still have a lot to learn.

About latinos?

And everything else.

I can help you correct the mistakes that you're gonna make in the future.

Well, maybe, I won't make any more mistakes.

Sir, you blew it in the first three minutes.

Okay. You got yourself another day.

What are we gonna do about those two jurors?

Simple, you're just gonna tell them you made a mistake and that I'm Cuban.

And they'll believe that?

No! God, you have a lot to learn.

Those guys are still giving me the stink eye, even after I told them you were Cuban.

It makes sense. I just found out they're Greek.

Really?

Too easy.

So, ama, Alberto told me what you did for him.

Oh, so now you want church shorts, too?

No, no.

How you used to go visit him every day after his mother passed away.

Ah, what's the big deal?

Nothing.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing. I think it's sweet.

Well, then why are you attacking me?

I'm not attacking you.

I think it was a nice thing for you to do for Alberto.

Well, it doesn't sound like you think it's a nice thing.

Well, I do!

And I'm just trying to tell you that I think you're great!

And that I'm very lucky to have you as a mother!

Ugh!