06x13 - Mary Jane's Last Dance

All episode transcripts for this TV show. Aired: September 2009 to March 2015.
A recently divorced single mom decides to find some excitement in dating and aging in our beauty and youth obsessed culture.
Post Reply

06x13 - Mary Jane's Last Dance

Post by bunniefuu »

We love the place.

I-I think we're ready to buy, unless there's anything else we need to know.

Well, the house is zoned to add another half-bath, and, oh, the last owner m*rder his family here.

I mean, not all of them in the house.

The wife made it to the street.

[ Gasps ] Oh, sorry.

Why do you keep discouraging people from buying my old house?

The guy said he was eight years sober.

More like eight years snore-ber.

[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckling ] Right?

Oh, and look at her.

She always has that expression.

She's got resting bitch face.


See, here's the deal-- the Cul-de-Sac is basically Jules Island, and I've always been very careful about who's allowed to live on the island.

Hey, there, neighbors!

He was here when I got here.

[ Clears throat loudly ]

Uh, you mind if I use your mug?

No, because it's your mug now.

Thanks, Pony Boy.

He's calling me pony boy because he sleep-walked into our bedroom last night and tried to mount me.

It was adorable.

Wow, you finally had a threesome with Grayson and a family member.

I always thought it would be Travis.

Me too.

I love having family around.

[ Gasps ] You know what would be amazing?

Besides your dad not sleeping nude?

[ Clicks tongue ]

If Travis and Laurie bought your old house.

Shut your mouth.

Deep down, you know you'd like it.

Imaginary knife.

Ckk! Pbht!


Ooh! Ahh...


[ Weakly ] Thank you.

[ Thud ]

[ Weakly ] You're welcome.

Are you guys done?

Jules, there are enough people hanging out in this house already.

We don't need anyone else in our house.

"Our house"?

Come on, Dime Eyes.

You know that this house really belongs to Jules and me.

You're just our guest.

Are you listening to her?

You have your own key.

That's got to count for something.

All right, I think we all know what's happening tomorrow.

Tomorrow's Thursday, so Jules bleaches her cute little 'stache, Ellie gives Stan his weekly hug, and Travis says he's going to the gym but actually goes to the doughnut shop.

Muscles are for losers.

How would you know?

Tom, do you have everyone's daily schedule memorized?

You're gonna k*ll us all someday, aren't you?

I don't know.

What I was going to say is that tomorrow night at 11:48 PM is Jules' birthday.

Together: Yay!

As usual, I assume you are going to do everything in your power to ruin it.

Well, I'll try not to, but it's probably gonna happen.

That's exactly how I feel about k*lling you all.

While I know that your expectations are so high that no human being could possibly meet them, this year, you are going to have an amazing birthday.

I will defeat you.

Can't be done.

I'm way too strong when it comes to sabotaging my own happiness.

Everything you do will fall short to what I've built up in my head.

Well, maybe it would be easier if you didn't ask for presents that were impossible to get.

I've seen a baby tiger.

I know they exist.

They do.

I tried to steal you one at a circus last year and ended up in circus prison.

You know those little, red train cars with the bars like in "Dumbo"?

That's what they use for their jails.

And FYI, if an animal misbehaves, it gets thrown in the same cell.

There was this adorable little monkey-- apparently he went nuts under the big top and started running around and ripping the earrings off of women, you know, lobes and all.

But he ended up actually being, like, a pretty solid little dude.

He's how I got out of there.

I've always wanted to ask this after one of your ridiculous stories.

Is any of that true?

You'd have to read it back to me.

So, what's this year's insane gift request?

You know, I always thought it would be fun to die and get to see your own funeral.

Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to hear what people had to say about you?

You know, to see who was crying and who wasn't?

Ooh, I wonder if my first boyfriend would show up.

I hope he's fat.

Yeah, I don't think they sell that at Target.

Oh, hey, honey.

No, we're having girl coffee time, so why don't you take Baby Bobby and just stroll him around the plaza for a bit?

'Kay, babe?

Yeah, babe.

Why don't you go be Jellybean's bitch and walk your baby around in a circle?

Oh, well, now I'm gonna stay.

I'll just be one of the gals.

All right, let me tell you what's going on with my vagina.

Catch you later.


Well played.

Imaginary hat.

Imaginary confetti.



What are we doing?

I'm not explaining that to you again.

I'm having an annoying problem on the home front.

Oh, well, just let Andy do it once and he'll stop asking.

What? - What?


I'm talking about Stan.

The elementary school in Gulfhaven is terrible.

No, it's not.

I went there.

I got straight O's.

They only give two grades-- "Okay" and "Not Okay."

Do we think a good education really matters for kids?

Yeah, people are split on that.

Plus, Stan's science teacher got her degree from beauty school.

Oh, Mrs. Ortiz! I love her.

She taught me how to cornrow my hair.

And I taught her English.

Can you help me out? I can't reach this spot.


But let's not make it weird.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, deep and hard. That's it.

I win!

I thought of the most perfect gift for Jules.

Name the one thing that anyone would k*ll for.

A machine that will wipe out my memory of the last 10 seconds?

You loved it.

To Jules, I give... the gift of Bobby.

Beer me, A-train!


Man, how great is this?

I got no pants on, and I'm hanging out with the fellas.

That's right. No one can top my gift.

Your gift? This is my gift.

No, no, the gift of Bobby's from me.

Well, the gift of me is me.

Dumbest fight ever.

Bobby, how are you gonna give yourself to Jules if I do this?

Bobby: Why is it so dark in here?

Come on, man. This is scary.

Then say it.


The gift of me is from you.

[ Chuckles ]


Trav and Laurie are doing a Winebulance event at the end of the plaza.

Can I get a glass of wine for the walk?

It's only like 50 feet away.

Oh, right. Give me two.

I got you the most amazing gift for your birthday.

I present you... this.

Happy birthday, J-Bird!

Aww, that's awesome.

Your husband's an awesome back scratcher.

Ask me how I know that.


Wow, the Winebulance is crushing it.

What's the event?

The Gulfhaven Scooter Club.


Seems safe.

We didn't judge when we hosted that five-mile open-ocean "Swim And Drink Wine" race, and we're not judging here.

Is everyone from that ocean race okay?

Let's just say that they eventually found everyone.

[ Gasps ]

Are you all right?

I-I can't catch my breath.

Here, drink this.

Babe, that's how things went bad at the ocean race.

What's going on?

Stan can go to the elementary school in the next town over.

Oh, well, that's great.

But we have to move.

[ Gasps ]

That's why I carry two glasses.

It has three bedrooms, um, it's in a great neighborhood, and I don't know why you have to move so quickly.

It's my birthday.

For Stan to go to the elementary school in this town, we need an address by the first of the month, and that's tomorrow.

Oh, I hate this so much.

And with that jacuzzi in the master, we can finally take a bath together again.

Did you say "Again"?


Bobby: What?


I just can't believe you're moving.

I don't see what the big deal is.

We're only moving 10 minutes away.

You said eight!

I don't know how I'm gonna live my life not knowing that you're there whenever I need you.

I know, sweetie.

Andy and I live in different states, but we find a way to see each other's wiener every day.





Bobby and I will be in the car.

Oh, hey, Jules, I know you and Ellie are the best of friends, but you've always taken time to make me feel special.

Thank you for that.

This house could be ours.

We could finally do it.

We could start our new lives together and live here as a couple.

We could get matching robes that say "Hers" and "Hers."

I could finally wear all those vests that I love.

You'd probably miss your stupid husband, though, right?

Yeah, I would.

You'd miss yours, too, right?

[ Sighs ] I would. Don't tell anyone.

[ Chuckles ] Aww.

I still like resting my head on your boobs.

I know, sweetie.


Oh, I just really needed a baby fix.

You know, Ellie leaving kicks ass, but sometimes you just got to eat the sword and slap out of it, you know?

Totes. Hey, you know what might cheer her up?

Tell her.

At the wine event, we met this old, rich guy who happens to think delivering wine to people in a winebulance is a great business idea.

He wants to meet with us.

Usually when old, rich guys offer me money, I end up in a harem, but this just feels different.

I mean, first of all, he doesn't want either one of us to be in our bathing suits, so... hm.

Travis, I am so proud of you.

Be nowhere without you.

I mean... you've always believed and supported me in all these things.

It's... You're the best mom I could ask for.

That is so sweet.

Do you want Laurie to leave so you can bring that thought home and tell me I'm the most important woman in your life?

Please don't make me.

The love between you and Trav is truly beautiful.

I really feel like he's my soul mate.

I'm just dropping by to let you know that, uh, my girlfriend, Mary, thinks I should stop hanging around outside your window.

Something about missing our anniversary to watch you drink coffee.

But that was such a fun morning.

Wasn't it?

You know, I never had a friend like you before.

You've always made me feel included.

I'm so grateful for that.

I, uh-- I brought your robe back.

Why do you have my robe?

Must have got mixed in with my mail.

Why do we have to get dressed up for your damn birthday party?

I'm out.

Dad, the ladies are gonna be all over you.

Okay, I'm in, but we have to stop for condoms.

What? - What?


FYI, Junebug, my cousin Pootie is passing through town, and after the party, I'm gonna hitch a ride with Poots to his place down in The Keys.

I'm gonna spend a few weeks down there while my health is still good.

But, dad, you live here.

Oh, sweetheart.

You're such a great daughter.

You take such good care of me.

Not a day goes by that I don't wish your mother was here so she could see what a wonderful woman you've become.

[ Sighs ]
Are you freaking out, too?

Grayson: Yeah.

I can't believe I married someone with a family member named Pootie.

That's not why I'm freaking out.

I-I just feel like everyone is abandoning me.

Ellie, Andy, Tom, and now dad?

Why are you smiling?

Jules, you know how I love having all your friends and family at our house all the time.

No, you don't.

I know.

I'm just softening you up before I make my point.

We do live on an island, but we have different opinions on what that island should be.

You see, on Grayson Island, we walk around all day nude, just drinking water from coconuts because it's just us.

There's a dock on Grayson Island so people can come visit, but when nighttime comes, they have to get back on their boat and go.

Coconut water gives me fruit farts.

That's an important point.

But you see, the problem with Jules Island is that there is no dock, so everyone you know is crammed on the island all the time, and they can't get off, ever.

That's why Grayson Island is the best of both worlds.

You can still see all the people you care about, and we can also have more time for us.

It'll be great. I promise.

Well, can I be the queen of Grayson Island?

Can I order you around like my naked little bitch?

At your service.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Dance music plays ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Laurie: Oh, yeah, oh!

[ Penny rattles ]

Trendy nightclub... penny can! Whoo!

Man, this party's the bee's boobs.

Is this some sort of virtual hillbilly app?


Guys, so far, this birthday rocks!

I get to spend time with all the people that I care about most... and Mary.

I'm ready to open some presents.

Where you hiding them?

The reason no one can ruin your birthday gift this year is... this.


You bought me a nightclub?

No, this, us, tonight... is your gift.

So no presents?

I got weed.

What? - What?


What? - What?


What? - What?


Jules, hear me out, okay?

We start your party drinking here, where you have the power to make any one of us dance with anyone else in the style of your choosing.

Travis slow dances with me.

Saw that coming.


Then it's off to the beach for a bonfire, where, one by one, we each tell you our biggest personal problem, and then we have to listen while you tell us how to fix it.

Well, that is the best gift for me. And you!

4:00 AM, we all go to a diner for pancakes, where we all give toasts to you.

Grayson had us type out our toasts beforehand in case you need to rewrite them.

[ Chuckles ]

Who wants a drink?

Me. - I do!


Why aren't Jelly and t*nk Head drinking?

[ Gasps ] You're not pregnant again, are you?


I mean, honestly, maybe. I don't know. Who knows?

We have been hitting it pretty hard lately.

[ All shudder ]

So, what's going on?

Just that-- that rich, old investor that wanted to meet with Trav about the winebulance, he wants to franchise it. [ Chuckles lightly ]

And he's in South Carolina.

He wants us to relocate there.

[ Squeals ]

There's actually, uh, an investor meeting tomorrow morning, so we're gonna have to leave tonight.

Get me Big Chuck, please.




[ Dramatic music plays ]


Chuck is d*ad.

This party is over.

[ Voice breaking ] I want to go home.

They're taking the chair.

I know you're sad, but do you have to be sad about each item.

They're taking the other chair.

I thought we'd still be at your birthday.

Who moves at night? This is insane.

Sweetie, we're moving, but I'm never gonna be out of your life.

Before I met you, I was so closed-off, and you got me to open up and care about other people.

I will always hate you for that.

But I'll always love you for it.

You're my best friend.

This is too much.

I can't do this right now.


Bobby: Hey, J-Bird.

I told Ando here to make me look like a human being.

Look, Jules, I just want to say one thing.

Even though we're not together anymore, you still were the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

You made me a better man.

Oh, Jules, your house is moving! Get out of there!

What the hell is happening?

Does everyone have to leave this second?!

All packed up. Gonna head out.

Quick goodbye hug?

Grayson: I'll turn away so you can be inappropriate with your son.

You're a nerd.


Find a science-y way for me to live in your blood.


There you go. All done.


Okay, you know what?

Let's just walk out like this.

Oh, don't leave me.

We'll call you when we get there.

Stay here with me.

Laurie is not good enough for you.




Just, please, I want someone to stay with me.

Laurie, don't go.

Oh. [ Sniffles ]

You know, you were the first person who ever believed in me.

You showed me that I was more than just a hot piece of townie tail with legs that won't quit and an ass that's like ba-pow and a face that says, "You know you want to."

[ Chuckles ]

You changed my life, Jules.

And I love you so much.

I love you, too, Laurie.

Come on, let's go. Okay, bye.

[ Smooches ]

[ Vehicle doors close, engine turns over ]

Why is everyone leaving me?

I would never leave you.

I mean, I'm leaving right now. I'm gonna go to work.

It's my birthday.

I figured this night was so sh*t to hell, might as well go make us some money.

This is the worst birthday of my life.

My heart is broken.

And I'm sorry, okay?

I don't want to live on Grayson Island.

I mean, I want you.

I do. I love you. I want you forever.

But you know me.

I have way too much love to give.

You couldn't handle all that love.

That's stupid.


All the love that I give everyone directed at you 24/7.

Yeah, that would not be good.

Grayson, the most important thing to me in my life are the people in it.

It's everything to me.

And now they're gone.

Yeah, you know, I actually miss them, too.

You know, I spent my entire life building these walls around myself, but then my wife, Jules, she broke those walls down.

I love Jules so much.

My life didn't really start until after I met her.

Why are you talking about me like I'm d*ad?

Well, isn't that what you wanted as a birthday present?

To go to your own funeral and hear all the amazing things people had to say about you?

Well, you've always taken the time to make me feel special.

I don't know, you're just... you're the best mom I could ever ask for.

You always made me feel included.

Oh, sweetheart, you're such a great daughter.

You made me a better man.

You changed my life, Jules.

You're my best friend.

I don't understand.

And what's this about worst birthday ever?

I mean, your birthday doesn't officially start until 11:48 PM, which it happens to be right now.

Hey, Tom, hit it.

♪ oh, who-o-o-a ♪
♪ who-o-o-o-a ♪
♪ oh, who-o-o-a ♪
♪ who-o-o-o-a ♪

You didn't leave?

There's nothing wrong with Stan's school.

She'd never let me move.

Who's gonna invest in a broken-down ambulance that serves wine?


Oh, come on, babe, you know it's true.

Junebug, we don't have a cousin named Pootie.

[ Laughing ] No one does.

So, you just stripped me of everything, just so you would have the excuse to tell me how you feel about me?!

Happy birthday, Jules.

[ Crying ] This is the best present!

♪ oh, who-o-o-a ♪

Oh! Oh, and one more thing.

Your dad and I lent Trav and Laurie enough money to put a down payment on a house.

They move in next week.

Right there.

[ Chuckles ]


Welcome to the island!

♪ live forever ♪

This is the best birthday ever!

♪ ever after ♪
♪ this is... ♪

You know, all of us here drinking wine, I'm having the weirdest déjà view.

Oh, it's déjà vu.

It's French.

It's stupid.

If you feel like you've seen something before, it should be déjà view.

Here it comes.

Change approved.

[ Laughter ]

Do you guys ever wonder if this is what we'll be doing for the rest of our lives?

I mean, we're all adults, so the odds are, not that much is gonna change.

We're gonna probably do this for the rest of our years, just drinking wine and hanging out, doing nothing.

We are so lucky.



♪ oooooooh ♪
Post Reply