01x03 - Yoko's Got Talent

[bunniefuu]

What's your name and where do you come from?

My name's Yoko. I'm 13, and I come from that bunk bed.

Do you have any dying relatives?

Um... Grampy has a cold sore?

And what are you going to do for us tonight?

I'm going to sing.

Take it away, Yoko.

♪ Why do... ♪

Hey, guys! Check it out!

I have four buttocks!

Germaine! Look!

Avert your eyes, Wyatt.

It's a no for me.

So, if you find your washing machine isn't draining properly, there could be an item or debris in the filt...

Ugh! You and your frigging head, blondie.

Silly cow.

Mom, we need to talk about Germaine.

Is she trying to get you to sell your hair on the internet again?

No, it's something else.

I think she's damaging Wyatt's emotional wellbeing.

Wyatt, come in, please.

What happened?

Germaine showed him her four buttocks. Of course she did.

Right. Wyatt, I know it sucks to be the only boy in this house.

Here. Have Optimus Prime, he's master of his domain.

And he transforms into an hatchback.

Now take Optimus up the garden and chill on my poor man's patio while I sort everything out.

OK, Mom.

Oh, and there's one more thing.

Germaine told him about hyenas giving birth through their clitoris.

What's all this crap about four buttocks and hyena clitorises, Germaine?

You're traumatising Wyatt.

They're just facts, Mom.

My pants are just too small.

It's like they've heard there's a storm coming and are seeking safe haven in my bum cr*ck.

And David Attenborough said the thing about hyenas, so take that up with him. Germaine, when you need new underwear, just come and frigging tell me.

There's no need to show anyone your bifurcated arse cheeks, you get me?

Sure thing, Chief.

Right, then.

What size?

Large, black...

No, Mom, you can't buy pants on eBay! Why not?

It's where I buy my cables and tarpaulins.

Because I want to try things on.

Touch the fabric.

Feel like a special lady.

Can't we go into town?

Going into town won't make you feel like a special lady, Germaine.

It'll make you feel sweaty, claustrophobic and poor.

Mom... if you're going to buy, er, you know...

I think I might need a new...

Do you need a new bra, Yoko?

It's true, she does. The other day, running for the bus, three people on the top deck started filming on their phones.

Right then, fine.

We're going up town.

But I warn you now, because of how mental conditioning works, that I cannot allow you to enjoy the experience.

♪ Here come the girls! ♪

Is my mother in?

Nah, she's in Kingswinford with the bell-ringers.

I need you to have Wyatt for the day.

Why? You're not doing a runner, are you? No. Chill your boots, Dad.

Wyatt's had too much time around women.

We're frigging him up.

With our bloody high-pitched voices and our moods and our constant chatter... Preach it, sister!

Do something that'll make him feel good about being male.

I would venture that rucksack's not helping him, Del. That's a girl's rucksack.

It features a girl, Dad.

That doesn't make it a girl's thing.

You know, like strip clubs.

Anyway, the only other option was Fireman Sam, and I can't stand the twat.

Come on, then, Wyatt.

Bros before hos.

But don't tell your nan I said that.

Mom, why did we have to park here?

There are loads of places nearer the shops.

Because it's free for half an hour.

I will not pay for parking in my own home town, Germaine.

It's an outrage. They even charge at the frigging hospital now.

When I went into labour with Cher, I parked in the ambulance bay with my hazards on, and told the doctors to use forceps.

Right, I'm not losing the whole day to this shopping bollocks.

We're going in one shop.

Underwear. Out. Get me?

But Mom, we haven't planned what kind of pants I'm getting.

Well, knickers are basically a drip tray for your bits, Germaine.

So two leg holes and a gusset is about all you need.

Plus get them in black so I can chuck them in the wash with the tea towels.

Welcome to the wilderness, Wyatt.

The best place to be a boy.

Or a bear.

Although it's unwise for the two groups to mix.

Bears can take your scalp off with one swipe of their claws.

Are there bears here, Grampy?

Not any more.

Or are there?

No, there aren't.

You know what, Wyatt, you don't actually need a plastic g*n out here in the wilderness.

All a boy really needs here is a stick.

This is better than a g*n.

It's silent, and it can be anything you want it to be. Like...

No, it's gone.

Here, you work it out.

It's your stick.

Ah, all the ladies, out on the town, exercising our God-given right to fabulise ourselves till the break of dawn, and shop till we drop.

I'm glad George Orwell d*ed before he had to hear the word fabulise.

Between you and Mom, you're ruining this whole experience.

Do you know what the Buddhists believe, Germaine?

You choose what parents you get born to.

So don't start moaning at me.

Cos this was all your idea.

There's no way that's true.

I definitely would have chosen Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn as my parents.

I'd go with Mr and Mrs Incredible, from The Incredibles.

Mrs Incredible can turn into a speedboat.

I'll take Dan Cruickshank and Simon Schama, thanks.

I'll remind you of these choices if any of you ever need a kidney.

Mom, can we have a quick browse in here?

I'd love to ring in the changes with a snood.

Those snoods are the result of child suffering, Germaine.

And? Should a five-year-old in Bangladesh work an 18-hour day so some silly bitch over here can make her neck look chunky?

This is child suffering, Mom.

I'm snoodless.

And snoods are key this fall.

Autumn, Germaine. That season is called autumn. This isn't America.

In this country, fall is what happened to your great gramma.

See that rock over there?

I ambushed my brother behind that rock when I was your age.

sh*t him in the leg with an air r*fle.

I wish I had a brother.

You're not missing much.

I'm speaking from experience.

I had four brothers.

Five, if you count the twins as two separate people.

Which we never did.

Ah, the old quarry.

Beautiful, but fatal, Wyatt.

We saw a dead man's face in there once.

That's why we called it Dead Man's Face Pond.

Turned out he was my uncle.

Horribly gnarly hands, he had.

Right, best get a wriggle on.

I've got to see a man about a dog.

There's so much choice!

What sort of underwear girl am I, I wonder?

Oooh, these look challenging.

Dare I accept that challenge?

That's basically a bacterial superhighway from your bumhole to your business, Germaine.

I'm talking cystitis.

Have you ever had a UTI?

It's like someone pouring vinegar down your piss pipe.

Come away from there, bab.

These are lovely.

Such pretty colours.

Sophie Raworth probably wears pants like this when she's reading the news.

I could definitely announce a royal birth in these.

There's no wear in them, Germaine.

You need something more industrial.

"Industrial" is not a word on my panties mood board, Mom.

Don't say "panties", Germaine.

It makes me want to slap you.

I'll tell you what you should get, kiddo. Boxer shorts.

You can't fob a man off with flimsy pants.

And they won't stand for nylon near their bits.

Men value quality in a garment.

If they get less than a decade of wear out of something, they come and ram-raid the shop.

Ask her to measure you.

Can you ask?

I can't intercede on your behalf, Yoko.

You are not the Crown Prince of Denmark. I am not your equerry.

D'you wanna be measured, lovely?

Come on through, then, bab.

Aww! What a sweet babby.

I am not her mom.

I don't like it here, Grampy.

Pahhh! There's nothing to be scared of.

This is the sort of place where real men do business.

None of that boardroom bollocks for me, mate.

You got them?

I'll stick 'em in the boot and then we'll start the haggling.

I love the haggling.

Right, laddy. Little lesson for you.

b*at old Iron Balls here down to 20 quid.

But don't look him in the eye.

It makes him angry.

It's Della Garry here, love.

I've got an appointment for a smear at 11, but I might be a bit late.

I'm on an emergency underwear trip with my eldest.

Yeah, the one who got the kidney bean stuck up her nose.

I know, it always cheers me up, too.

Nice one, bab. Tararabit.

I'm a G!

We've fitted the young lady with a new T-shirt bra.

Watch this.

Nothing moved!

Congratulations, Yoko. You've won your personal w*r against gravity.

But now we need to find Germaine.

I just overheard information of great import!

Germaine! Germaine?

What?

Mom has a smear test appointment today.

She did the washing machine filter earlier and waxed her moustache this morning. What does that tell you?

That being a middle-aged woman sucks?

It's her birthday, Germaine. She always does things she hates on her birthday.

Remember last year when she lanced that boil on Grampy's back?

Pus-gate? I'll remember it forever.

But so what? We forget her birthday every year. She doesn't care.

Yeah, she says she doesn't care.

But what about last year's ten-mile hike?

Or when she invented luncheon meat soup?

Both the day after her birthday.

She wormed us that time!

Exactly. And you know what?

I don't think we needed to be wormed.

Oh, God! Mom says she doesn't care about her birthday.

But she does.

She just won't admit it.

Something tells me if we'd have said it with flowers, she wouldn't have said it with worming tablets.

Get to the tills.

We've got seven minutes!

Move it! We have to stall her.

Do something.

I know. I'll do my fake fit.

No! Don't do that, Germaine.

Aretha! I need the toilet.

Yes, Mariah!

Mom, Mariah needs the toilet!

Germaine, don't fit! Ohhh! I was really looking forward to that.

For frig's sake, Mariah, I purposely dehydrated you today as well.

You lot take her to Starbucks for a wazz.

I'm going for the car.

Here, take this.

But do not play Snake on it. The battery's really low. And take that, so they think you've just bought a friggoccino.

You will be waiting for me at the library in six minutes.

You hear me?

Yes, Mom, six minutes.

Six minutes.

This is it! Present-ageddon.

What does Mom love?

Germaine, I need to wee!

Well, what would you rather, Mariah?

To wee or to be wormed?

I don't want to be wormed.

Then hold it in, sister.

And make yourself useful and go and look in the bargain bin.

Ray Mears! Mom loves Ray Mears.

She's got both of those.

She's got all of these.

Why hasn't he made more DVDs?

Get on with it, Mears!

Noam Chomsky is right, Germaine.

Consumerism will not further humanity's progress.

This problem is bigger than blockbusting DVDs.

I'm taking desperate measures.

♪ If it makes you happy ♪
♪ Then why the hell are you so sad? ♪

Speak. 'Grampy, it's Aretha.'

It's Mom's birthday.

Indeed. You know she's Leo with Scorpio rising?

That's a powerful mix, Aretha.

A lion and a scorpion in the body of a woman. Mayhem.

What you getting her?

We haven't got her anything.

Can we come in on what you're getting?

Oooh... I don't think so, kid.

Nothing says "someone forgot" like a load of names on a gift tag.

And I don't want her thinking it's me that forgot.

She's borrowing my strimmer tomorrow and I intend to get it back in one piece.

Very well, Grampy.

If that's how you feel.

Just to say, your lack of cooperation has not gone unnoticed.

What does that mean?

Not gone unnoticed? Aretha?

Aretha?!

He says no.

g*dd*mn, Grampy! I'll remember this when he's too frail to feed himself.

Mom likes Russell Crowe, doesn't she?

If it's Gladiator, don't bother.

She's already got three copies of that. No, it's another one.

See? No sandals, no skirt.

What's he doing in it?

Mom only likes Russell Crowe when he's angry or vengeful, not when he's travelling through time or has an illness.

He's a maverick cop out to k*ll his corrupt bosses.

That's right up Mom's alley.

It'll remind her of that time she quit the pound shop. Nice one, Yoko!

I knew I'd see the point in you one day.

To the tills!

Oh, what?

Three minutes, Germaine!

OK. I know.

I'm going to steal this DVD.

For you guys.

For all of us. For Mom.

Here I go. I'm stealing...

No, you're not, love.

You're about ten decibels too loud to be a shoplifter.

♪ Here they coming with their g*ns, g*ns, g*ns ♪
♪ See the news, take them on ♪
♪ Here they coming with their g*ns, g*ns, g*ns ♪
♪ See the news, take them on ♪
♪ You don't wanna, don't wanna ♪
♪ Don't wanna mess with me Don't mess with me ♪
♪ I got the feeling I can break... ♪

Eat it, love.

I really need a wee, Germaine!

Oh, shut up, Mariah.

It's all me, me, me with you, isn't it?

OK, emergency brainstorm time.

When have you seen Mom enjoying herself?

Outside of telling off pedestrians for walking too slowly.

There was that YouTube video of the shark biting the man.

She loved that. Or when Grampy banged his coccyx at the ice rink.

I could do my dance for her.

Newsflash, Mariah. No-one enjoys watching your dance.

Zero stars. Got it?

Wait! I know what we can get her.

Get in the car. And make it snappy.

I've got a van up my arse here.

What?

You'll just have to trust me.

- Are you in?

- Uh-huh.

Wind it in, Clarkson!

Right, that's my cervix scraped for another three years.

I'm sure he opened that speculum wider than he needed to.

But anyway, let's get the frig home.

Hey, Mom, so, obviously we haven't forgotten that it's your birthday.

And now you've had your lady bits serviced, it's time for your present.

You haven't got me a THING, have you?

Every THING that comes into the house becomes my problem.

Something I've got to unblock, or mend. Or breastfeed.

It isn't a thing, Mom.

I think you're really gonna love it.

The rest of your present's in the glove compartment.

You can open it when you're inside.

Enjoy having your rims buffed.

I would totally enjoy having my rims buffed.

♪ Take me down to the Paradise City ♪
♪ Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty ♪
♪ Oh, won't you please take me home? ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Take me down to the Paradise City ♪
♪ Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty ♪
♪ Take me home... ♪

You know what, Yoko?

You've surprised me today.

This carwash is a good present.

I didn't have much faith in you after the jar of stones you got me at Christmas.

They were quartz, Germaine.

I thought they'd remind you of the holiday on Barry Island when we saw that sh**ting star on the beach.

Sorry, Yoko.

The rule with presents is, if you've got to explain them, you've got it wrong.

Can I have some of that?

Sorry, Mariah.

No more fluids for you today.

You know what?

That was the best present I've had in ten years.

I mean, it's up there with the time I got norovirus and had to quarantine myself in my bedroom with a bucket and a Bruce Willis box set.

All right, Dad?

Hey, Del. It's all tickety-boo here. Come and join us.

I can give you your birthday present.

I'll just text you our co-ordinates.

No, that seems to be broken.

We're in the Springdale, Del.

The pub? You'll be pleasantly surprised, Del.

I'll sign off now.

Ooh, and is Aretha with you?

Yeah, she's here.

Tell her from me I'm not intimidated by her. All right?

Grampy!

Ah!

Where's Wyatt?

He's up there, Del.

Loving it, so he is.

He didn't want man time. You were giving in to sexual stereotypes, Della.

He just wanted alone time.

He's chilling up there with old Octopus Prime.

You all right in there, bab?

Fine, thanks, Mom.

Well, well, well, you old sod.

You've actually come through for me.

This almost makes up for when you left Yoko behind at Twycross Zoo.

Yeah. And that's not all, Del.

Popped into the big Tesco for an iced bun and it struck me.

Get him something for home, to give him some space.

See, thinking outside the box.

Or, in this case, inside the box.

That tickled me, Del. I was laughing all the way to the tills.

Hmm. Not bad, Dad.

Anyway, enough about Grampy's heroic tales of derring-do.

Happy birthday, Del.

My biggest and my best.

Just best'll do, Dad.

We've talked about this.

Come and see your present.

Real humdinger, this.

I've slaved over it.

For my patio?

Exactly. There's exactly enough slabs for a small one.

How do you...

Don't ask me how I know that.

Oh, yeah, and to be clear, these are from me alone.

Wyatt's on his own on this one.

Oh, retail therapy, is there nothing you can't fix?

It's some knickers, Germaine, not universal suffrage.

Right, I'm going to savour my sore cervix by cleaning out the bottom of the wheelie bin.

Ah, but Mom, you're the birthday girl.

Why don't you do something nice instead?

Actually, that is a good idea, Yoko.

I'm gonna put my feet up and watch a film.

That's the spirit, Mom.

You can do the wheelie bin tomorrow when you're just a normal woman again.

Wyatt? Are you playing?

No, thanks.

Take it away, Yoko.

♪ Why do... ♪

Hey, guys! Check it out!

The pants cured the four-buttocks thing, but they've given me massive camel toe! Look!

I'm pretty well hung for a girl.

Check it out!

Britain's got talent, all right.

In my pants! Mom!

Germaine is showing everyone her camel toe!

Germaine!

k*ll 'em all, Russ.

f*ck 'em right up!