01x01 - Into The Great Beyond Beyond

[bunniefuu]

Yahoo!

Thrust drive up 23%, Captain.

Engine variant down 4.85 millicycles, Captain.

Course bearing 12 degrees starboard into quadrant B-48.

Should we compensate, Captain?

Captain?

Oh, yeah, compensate 6.9%.

Also, I had some hot dogs generated for you guys.

You know, it's just my way of saying thanks.

About to exit asteroid field.

Good.

Once we're clear, it's hot dog time.

No exceptions Kyle.

I don't wanna hear about that cleanse.

I'm kidding Kyle.

We're really happy you're fighting your obesity.

Unidentified object coming towards us at 1,000 parsecs from C quadrant.

Increase shields, activate projection analysis.

Negative shields, sir.

We're showing a power drain of 85%.

Oh crap, it's an ion asteroid.

Activate evasive protocol 124.

Ten seconds to impact, there's no time to get around it.

Run a spent fuel clean out burst through the forward venting tubes.

That could destroy the ship.

Good to know. Do it.

Yes.

Impressive, Lipinski.

That was highly unorthodox.

No one's ever thought to do a clean out burst in all the years we've done this simulation. How did you think to do that?

I have allergies.

And I'm also lactose intolerant so you know sometimes I have these expl*sive sneezes.

It's like a fart sneeze combo.

And so, I thought you know what if the ship fart sneezed.

You guys think I'm an idiot, don't you?

You're making me captain of my own ship?

Chairman Woolworth things having a fresh faced young captain might get the public interest in it up again.

Wait, has the public lost interest?

You know, you only discover rocks and dust in 50 years of mapping the universe.

And suddenly you're stuck with warehouses full of unsold mugs and t-shirts.

I tried to buy as many as I could, I'm sorry.

I told all my friends to.

We'll get the public back.

Attitudes change every day.

You know there was a time where all men wore long pieces of fabric around their necks and called them ties?

Yeah. Can you imagine a guy not wearing collar balls now?

Oh. Sorry I'm late, everybody.

I had to wash my balls.

May I present Zalian, your engineer.

He will show you around your ship.

Zalian Fletcher.

You mean I'm getting command of the Cruiser?

I had a model of it when I was a kid, I even had your action figure.

You're a legend.

I had your action figure when I was a kid.

What? He's absorbed his share of engine radiation over the years.

But, at our price level, he's still the best in the business.

Oh my God, this day is amazing.

The Cruiser?

Somebody pinch me.

Okay. Not really though I bruise fast.

Wait, how did my sister do on the test?

Incredible.

You and she are the first cadets in ten years to pass simulation A-19.

Oh thank god, so she's getting her own ship.

No way.

We're all terrified of her.

So we're making her your second in command.

Oh, no.

Stewart.

What are you doing here?

We were just telling Stewart that he's gonna be the captain of his own ship.

And you are gonna be his second in command, reporting directly to your younger brother.

Isn't that gonna be fun?

Congratulations, Stewart.

Huh?

Thank you?

One hour until departure.

All unauthorized personnel, please exit.

Look at me, Captain.

All hands on deck.

Fire the lasers.

Readying lasers, Captain.

Oh, no, no, no, undo command, I was just kidding.

I don't wanna fire any lasers.

Just doing a bit, you know, abusing my power.

Oh, greetings Captain.

My name's Natasha.

I'm programmed to monitor all ship functions, communicate with command vessels.

And provide data analyses and reference databases.

Are my breasts and buttocks to your liking?

Wh... what's that?

Oh, well optimally I'd be attractive enough for you to want to perform well in front of me.

But not so attractive that you'd fantasize about having sex with me.

So?

We're good in the north and the south?

Sure. Yeah, yeah.

This good?

Oh that's enough.

Good, okay. Thank you, excuse me.

Your not going to forget about me while I'm gone right?

Tina, of course not.

Look, with a communicator we can talk every night.

I even installed an upgraded sensation software so that our screen kisses will taste and feel just like the real thing.

See?

Did you have Sloppy Joes?

Yeah.

I don't wanna go. Did you just burp?

I'm sorry, baby.

I don't even know why they picked me for this thing, I wasn't the top of my class, I don't know who made me the stupid navigator!

Hey!

Tina.

Oh, I'm so glad you made it.

This is so exciting, isn't it?

Oh. Oh, Ted control says they need you.

Apparently they need you right now, so stop kissing her, they're saying.

I'm on my way.

Okay.

Make me proud Turkey.

God, he couldn't even say I love you.

I mean, how hard is that?

Three words, I love you.

Oh, it's so gross when you say it.

We'll, we'll work on that.

You're out of your mind, right?

Hey! Hi.

I think you're supposed to salute me before you speak to me.

But we'll let it go this time.

Your first decision as captain and you made your crush the navigator?

No, I also signed off on the computer's boob and butt size.

I'm gonna make your life a living hell and you're gonna wish you never set foot in that academy.

Well you do that and I'll tell mom.

Captain Michael Newman reporting from Jupiter.

First mate Lipinski and I have just landed.

I'll always be your little helper, Captain Michael.

You're the best babysitter ever!

Thanks, Stewart.

You can be my second-in-command anytime.

We thought Jupiter was a solid mass.

We were dumb asses, weren't we?

Greetings sir and may I just say that it's an honor to be serving under you.

Easy on the sirs.

Okay, I'm still the kid you used to babysit remember?

Yeah.

Oh, how much do I love this guy?

About as much as I love being your second in command.

Actually they gave second to Karen.

So you're going to be my third in command.

Hope that's okay.

You smell nice.

All right.

Thank you.

All right.

Mm.

Can I help you?

You're wearing a captain's shirt.

Hello captain, I'm Kent Woolworth your new science officer.

Woolworth, as in Helen Woolworth the chairwoman?

She is my mother.

And yes, I am here as part of your crew due to nepotism, much to my chagrin.

I couldn't be less pleased to be here.

However, my mother needed my sleeping chamber at home as her Pilates studio.

She's trying to tone her body so that she can seduce.

Okay I'm gonna stop you right there.

Thank you for your honesty.

Lying is not a skill that I possess.

You have a stray nose hair, sir.

UMP cruiser, you are good to go.

Initiating departure sequence control.

I can't tell you how excited all of us here on the bridge are to finally get going.

Isn't that right g*ng?

I'm not detecting any verbal verification on the bridge captain.

My preliminary reading is that people are not in fact excited.

Okay, that's fine, that's enough, thank you.

Thank you.

Come on you guys.

Michael.

We're excited on the bridge, right?

Oh, yes, sir.

Captain Stewart, sir, very excited.

This worked out exactly the way we all wanted sir.

Oh, it's time.

I'd like everyone's attention.

It's time to say something I have been waiting my whole life to say.

Oh, don't do it.

Past the moon, past Mars.

Do you guys not know the motto?

Yeah, we know it, it's just that...

All right, great, let's do it!

Let us sail to the stars!

Stars, stars, stars.

Okay, activate front view.

There it is.

There's space.

We are on our way.

Good times.

Okay, everyone, I know we got off on the wrong foot today but that's only because we haven't had time to gel as a team.

It's funny you know.

They're sending us out into the stars, but I'm seeing a lot of stars right in here.

So, on this, our very first night together, I thought we'd have a little celebratory meal.

Who wants turkey?

Stewart, this is Grandma's dressing.

Turkey was Ted's favorite.

He used to call me turkey.

He's hilarious.

I can't eat tryptophan.

It makes blood come out my ears.

What?

Okay guys, come on.

Let's raise a fork to our new family.

We're in this together.

Okay.

Okay.

Sis, come on.

For grandma.

All right.

Think that's a yes.

Okay.

Mm.

Jesus Christ, this tastes like grandma.

I hope no-one swallowed that.

I actually swallowed mine, sir.

Gross.

Oh, Natasha, how old is this food t*nk?

It was installed on May 14th, 2070.

That was 35 years ago.

Why don't we have a new food t*nk?

Because no one replaced it.

Stewart, you didn't check the food t*nk?

It's not my job.

The ship's engineer is supposed to.

Oh, no, Zalian.

Oh man, I was.

Oh, I totally spaced it out.

Did you also space out how we're supposed to survive a year on this ship with no food?

Oh, food?

I got food here we can all use.

Oh.

Mm.

Oh, fudge me.

This is so cool.

But I don't think we can eat fudge for a year.

Oh, suit yourself. It's a superfood.

I haven't pee'd in a decade.

And does anybody else feel like their head's about to explode?

Oh, that's just the radiation.

You'll get used to it.

In fact, it rots the part of your brain that feels pain.

Well, I guess, we have to turn back and get more food.

God, I'm gonna look like such an idiot.

Ow. Can't you see, I'm dreaming of electric sheep here?

Who are you?

Hey, this is my buddy, Art.

He's the best.

I don't think I remember seeing a robot on the crew manifest.

What function do you serve?

Oh. None whatsoever.

I'm riding the intergalactic rails like the space hobos of yore.

So, you forgot to bring usable food, but you managed to bring along a stowaway?

Take us home, Tina.

Oh, thank God.

I mean, yes sir.

Ow. Oh, god.

She really wants to get back to that stupid Swedish boyfriend of hers.

Tina, go easy on the gas, please.

Dude, I didn't do that.

She's not kidding, my engines didn't accelerate.

To the bridge.

Nothing's responding.

What's our speed?

0.15 mega knots increasing by three clicks per second.

We're caught in a gravitational field.

It's probably because that water Michael spilled.

I cleaned it up, I can show you the towel, Captain.

No beverages in the bridge, Michael.

Run an escape protocol, Stewart.

Don't mom me.

Start escape protocol 159.

Oh my God, look.

Reverse thrusters.

We have no power.

I got you buddy.

Was anyone else just a baby?

Where are we?

Hello? New friends?

Hey, guys, who messed with the lights?

Jeez.

Reboot complete, updating wardrobe.

Natasha, what just happened?

Preliminary data shows that we encountered a rupture between our universe and some parallel entity.

I believe we hit a brane.

Brane is short for membrane.

Brane theory says that our universe is like a large, flat jellyfish.

Floating on the water surrounded by other universes doing the exact same thing.

Sometimes, they bump into each other.

And every once in a while they hit each other hard enough that they open up a tear between each other that can suck matter through.

Like turds down a toilet.

No. It's nothing like a fecal disposal unit.

It's jellyfish.

So we discovered a tunnel to a new universe?

Yay, us!

It's more of a toilet, but yes.

Tunnel implies permanence.

The tear we went through was only open for 10.36 seconds.

So we're lost.

Entrapped, yes.

Possibly forever.

Probably even.

It's like we get flushed out, yeah.

You know what, it actually is more like a toilet.

Told you.

All right, everybody just calm down.

Panicking is not gonna help.

We can't be worried about how we only have fudge to eat.

Or how all our families are probably going to think we're dead.

Or how UMP probably thinks that we got vaporized by some asteroid.

They'll give us posthumous medals and then bury empty coffins in our honor.

Michael.

Are you okay?

Didn't I just tell you to calm down?

Stewart and I just want you guys to stop flipping out here.

We have to remain calm.

Oh.

Well, you know what?

Michael's right.

We do need a solution, and here it is.

Stewart Lipinski, I am officially relieving you of your duties as captain of this ship.

What? You can't do that.

Oh, really?

Mm-hm.

Section 3.0.5 of the Universal Mapping Project Rules of Conduct states the captain may be relieved of duty by his second in command if his actions are deemed to place the lives of his crew in jeopardy.

Way to go, Nibs.

Nibs, huh.

Don't call me Nibs in front of the crew.

Nibs!

And this was a total accident, okay?

What could I have possibly done to keep this from happening?

Oh, I don't know, Stewart, maybe hire a real navigator.

Hey, that's mean.

Oh sorry, Tina, but we all know why you're here.

Well how do we know why any of us are even here in life?

Why am I here?

The only reason you're here is because I think you're highly skilled.

Oh come on.

Despite your taste in men.

Despite your taste in men.

What does one thing have to do with the other?

It's just a, it's a thing, it's a factor.

And what about the cruiser, Stewart?

The UMP loser.

If you had demanded a newer ship we would have had enough engine power to escape that hole.

Hey, the cruiser rocks.

Oh, shut up you fudge eating hippie long hair went out in 2083.

It, did, you know I've been meaning to tell you about that.

I'm detecting high levels of personal tension.

Initiating a light ribbing protocol to facilitate camaraderie.

Hey Michael, did your mother buy that shirt for you?

And then there's Natasha.

Nice body. Who designed it, a 13 year old boy?

Stewart, it's over.

Michael, get up, take Stewart back to his quarters, you're second in command now.

I'm taking control of this ship.

Did you hear her?

I'm second in command now.

All right, all right, excellent.

What the hell?

This was all just a simulation?

This is the final test we give to all our potential captains.

The only way to truly know how a person will do in a crisis is to make everyone involved believe it's real.

Stewart, we put you, the inferior sibling, in charge to see how your sister would handle it.

And she has exceeded our expectations.

Congratulations, Captain.

You tricked us?

No offense, but not cool, General.

You're right.

Deception, though sometimes necessary, is never cool.

You know Michael, you're right about a lot of things.

People really should listen to you.

Mother.

I can't believe this.

Everything seems so real.

Oh, nice.

Tuna fish.

Art, I recently won these incline chains in a poker game.

They'd allow you to climb very gentle hills.

I'll give them to you for $50.

Deal.

They're worth 70 on eBay.

In your face.

No, no, Natasha, run a diagnostic.

And the Nobel prize for excellence in physics and rocking hot bod goes to Natasha.

Brought to you by. Bogo Jean.

Congratulations.

Thank you. I'd like to thank Bogo Jean.

How is this possible?

Because I'm in love with you.

I've had a huge crush on you ever since we started at the academy together.

What about Ted?

No. I don't even really like Ted.

I, I just was worried about telling you cause I thought maybe you wouldn't like me back, or.

Oh my God no, Tina. Oh my God.

I have loved you more than I've ever loved anyone in my whole life.

Really?

Yeah.

Let's hold hands.

Okay. And let's screw all night.

All night?

That's fine.

And, okay? I wanna play board games with you.

I wanna have dinner with your parents.

My mom made you a dress.

Tell me about Spider Man.

Hey, Turkey. Wanna get married?

It's expensive as hell.

Oh, yes.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Captain Lipinski, let's open the airlocks and go celebrate.

The drinks are on me.

I hereby declare this mission over.

Oh my god, Karen no.

Stewart, what are you doing!

The idea that this is not real is not real.

The simulation is simulated.

It's not that complicated.

What are you talking about?

It's a trap.

They're trying to get us to open airlock so that we get sucked out into space.

Who's trying?

I don't know.

Don't be a sore loser.

Karen, what happened to us in the time warp was real.

This simulation program is more advanced than anything you've ever experienced. Of course, it felt real.

Captain, open the air locks.

No.

Stewart, you are not gonna blow this for me.

Get away from the button.

Get, get away, get away, aah!

No, no, no, no. Karen, you're gonna k*ll us all.

Karen.

Tina just told me that she's in love with me.

You said that, that would never happen in a million years.

A million years.

Your brother's a fool.

Now, open the airlocks and I'll explain everything Admiral Lipinski.

Look!

Increase the shields!

What the hell was that?

I don't know.

So that was fake?

People taking me seriously.

Ted?

My mothers love.

What happened to my sandwich?

Stewart, can I come in?

Activate door lock.

Override.

Override override.

Override override override.

How's the crew?

Depressed.

What a mess.

Hm.

Tina doesn't love me.

All we have to eat is fudge.

Something is trying to k*ll us and I have no idea how to get us out of here and on top of everything, you hate me.

I don't hate you.

Your fantasy is literally me getting fired.

Why do you have to be such a jerk?

Because I'm tired of busting my ass to get things that just fall into your lap.

What's that supposed to mean?

I studied debate for three and a half years and then you just wandered in there and got team captain over me.

You got to the anti gravity society even though you never even floated.

You even b*at me out for Juliet in drama club.

You played the nurse, that's an important part.

Oh, you.

I'm sorry.

Stewart.

I just tried to stage a coup against you, okay?

You don't apologize to me.

You're right.

I'm sorry. Hm.

I didn't say it. I didn't say it.

The reason that you succeed is because you are... good.

You've been captain for a day and you've already put down a mutiny and saved all of our lives.

I mean, you're a better captain than I could ever be.

Hell, you're a better Juliet than I could ever be.

I was really good, huh?

Yeah.

Are you recording this?

This is a special moment you're gonna want to remember.

Because you were opening up yourself! You son of a bitch.

Give it to me.

My nails. Stop digging into me.

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow.

Okay.

So what happens now?

Well UMP regulations on mutiny are pretty clear.

Yeah.

Suppose to relieve you of your duties.

So...

Yep.

Yep.

Well, I understand.

You, you, und... understand?

Thanks for stopping me from k*lling us, captain.

So your number one fantasy is to find a tuna fish sandwich on the ground?

It doesn't have to be on the ground.

Hey guys, how's the vibe out here?

Everyone's super sad.

Yeah, that's what I figured.

I was just in my room feeling the same way, but then I did something crazy.

I looked out the window.

No one on Earth has seen any of this.

We can name it whatever we want.

Michael, what would you name that planet?

Michael.

Wow.

Tina, I bet you always wanted to name a solar system.

Solar System One.

That's an option.

Kent?

Crispin's Wharf.

Milky way.

Tater dog.

Yeah, okay. That's enough.

We all went to the academy because we loved outer space.

We wanted adventure.

Well guess what?

We're in a whole other space.

This isn't school.

It isn't fake and it looks like it's got a whole lot of adventure to me.

We're gonna see things that no one on earth could've ever dreamed of.

We'll be known as the greatest explorers that ever lived.

Oh no, I had a C minus average and I cheated a lot.

I was programmed to deal blackjack.

Oh, I very much want to kiss my mother on the lips.

Well I'm delightful, but I'm not a crew member, and I believe Curly Sue has now joined me in unemployment.

That's right.

According to UMP regulations, I have to fire Karen and promote Michael to first officer.

But here's why I'm not gonna do that.

Because forget what people think back home.

Forget about bad grades and red tape.

Forget about all the mean things people say about you.

Forget what your stupid programming says.

Very well, captain.

Initiating self deletion protocol in three, two...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I was on a roll. Don't delete yourself.

Point is, it's just us out here.

Clean start, total do-over.

And as far as I'm concerned, that's plenty.

Now, let's go find us some dinner in this crazy new universe.

Your captain just gave you an order.

Aye, aye, Captain.

What do I think captain means?

Nobody asked you that.

Captain's just a title, really.

You know, it's just a word.

We all have captain potential if you think about it.

But I take it super seriously.

I mean, you guys are the best and I will not let you down.

With me in charge, none of you are ever gonna feel anything but safe and protected.

Hey guys.

Chad.

Chad from auxiliary deck.

I forgot to go down and update you on everything that's happened.

What's up?

Let's take a walk.

Okay so imagine a toilet.

And, and we are in the toilet.

Big old screw-up by Stewart.

That had to feel good.

Are you disrespecting your captain, Second Officer Newman?

Just kidding. I love that.

Yahoo!