01x05 - Trouble's Brewing

[bunniefuu]

Yahoo!

Hey.

I know, I know, we're going down in 10 minutes.

I was just, packing for the planet landing.

Do you have any extra room in your bag?

No. And about that...

Hey, it's not a lot.

It's just some sentimental items.

Okay, just my first pair of collar balls.

Oh! And this.

Stewart.

I know, I've dreamed of exploring a new planet since we were kids.

I really want to get this picture.

Stewart.

We... we need to talk.

Okay. I know.

I know, it's a dangerous mission.

On protocol article 44 F, for safety reasons, the two highest ranking officers on any craft will not be first to step foot on a new planet.

What?

When did they make this rule?

Last year after Admiral Gourmand teleported her entire body into that rock.

Bull[Bleep] I mean, I know that happened.

It's really tragic.

We gotta send Michael and Tina.

Come on. Michael?

We're sending Michael and Tina.

We can't totally predict what kind of atmospheric blowback we'll be getting, so, we need all of our stabilizers prepped.

Primary and reserve.

Zalian are you listening to me?

Hey, I want a bonus.

What?

Yeah.

I, found this note that I wrote for myself at some point.

It says ask for bonus, don't take no for an answer, you deserve this.

And you can see that it was pretty sloppily hand-written.

I interpret this to mean that I was serious.

Seriously, you think we're going to let you go?

Well, the opportunities for research are fascinating and I've never been outside of a ship.

Natasha, you don't have a body.

If you gave me 3D printer privileges, I could construct one for her.

I already have a design.

Ken designed it to be very fast.

And eerily quiet.

Well, it's not quite as venomous as I want it to be which is why I need to build a prototype.

You'll never hear me coming.

Ken, why don't you have printer access?

It doesn't recognize him as a human because he doesn't have fingerprints.

It's true. My fingers are perfectly smooth.

All pads, no whirls.

People find shaking my hand to be a disquieting experience.

Care to give it a sh*t?

I don't mean to sound like a huge a-hole, but this might be the least excited about our crew I've ever been.

Please.

Oh, almost lost my leg there.

God.

Michael, the landing prep's not for another 20 minutes.

Oh, I actually, I'm heading, talk to Karen.

About last night.

Yeah, I wanna make sure that we had our sexual postmortem.

And I just wanna know what this, this is...

Natasha, can you speed up the elevator, please?

Oh!

This is what I could look like, Captain.

Just imagine.

I don't wanna imagine that.

All right.

You guys, we'll land on the planet, collect the fuel deposits, and then bring them inside the landing zone, we'll pull you up before you have a chance to explore and find anything awesome, do not explore or find anything awesome.

Yes sir.

Sounds excellent, sir.

A quick Q, are we going to die down there?

Look, I know it is dangerous.

And I'm sorry it has to be you but this is life or death for all of us.

Man, I get why I'm going because I've been called...

It's standard procedure.

But I...

I've never really worked with Tina individually before and she's a little bit of a sex crazed, incompetent... diz who's crazy.

Tina is the most familiar with the full storage equipment.

Yep, but she's bananas.

Okay, and it's none of your business who she has slept with.

Or, who she might have eventually come around on and be willing to sleep and spoon with?

I'm gonna go fire up the depositor.

Tasha, I need ship diagnostics, fuel projections, and local systems schematics, like, right now.

Okay. Getting all of those three for you, Captain.

Is there anything else?

Oh yeah. Have you had any luck with the NPRS?

The National Public Radio Skaters, sir?

That segment was canceled.

It was unlistenable.

No, Kent.

For the next possible ripple site.

For going home, it's all, some of you seem to talk about.

We're searching but there's nothing yet.

Thank you for saying that, Captain.

Natasha, he didn't say anything to you.

Are you being an idiot?

Well, I anticipated that the Captain would thank me for all of my hard work, but by the time that I processed that he was actually, in fact, ignoring me, it was too late to pull back.

See you in 6 hours.

I have to spend 6 hours with this boring dumb-ass?

At least I was classy enough to insult you behind your back.

I heard you call me a dumb slut.

Eh, no.

What?

Yeah I heard you.

Huh?

I was standing right behind you.

All right, well.

They landed safely.

Deducting $40 from your account.

Please place your cup below the laser.

My cup is below the laser.

That's a great comment, Captain.

Please place your cup below the laser.

Stupid BOGO drink coffee maker.

You know, I think, we should give Zalian his bonus.

You know, money doesn't matter here, and if we go home, we'll just take it back.

Don't just appease him, Stewart.

I mean, would you hug a baby just because it cried?

One with pink?

And listen, we don't want Zalian getting jealous of Kent getting printer access, huh?

Well, I got a solve to that problem, we don't give Kent printer access.

Well, how about this weather, Captain?

Oh, I have a headache, banter off, please.

I understand you're under a lot of pressure.

Work can be a real, grind.

No, I said stop.

Am I talking too much?

If only I had a...

Don't you say filter.

Filter.

I said banter off!

Oh no, no, no, no!

You know Karen, it's just, I'm so tired about arguing about every single thing on our agenda all the time.

You know what?

Let's just streamline the usual chain of command stuff.

Yeah.

We'll just do stuff on our own.

I'll trust your choices.

You trust mine.

Wait, so, you're giving me the authority to tell people, no?

Well or to tell them yes.

Oh, it shouldn't come to that.

Oh.

Karen, greetings, I would like to talk to you about the morale of one of our crew members.

She or he is overworked.

Frankly, I think she or he, well, not technically a women, has the emotional sensitivity of one.

Kent, I completely agree.

Stewart's spirits do need lifting.

How about you hand-make him a coffee, five sugars.

Pouring is a challenge for me.

With your permission, I will use the 3D printer for this task?

No.

No.

No.

No.

Thank you, Kent.

You're welcome. Excuse me.

One handmade coffee for my Captain.

What? That's really, thank you, Kent.

Oh, five sugars.

How'd you know?

Sweet coffee for my sweet Captain.

Okay, stop it.

Hey, where's that bonus.

Zalian, I was just having my first nice moment of the day.

Hey Captain, you wanna keep your engineer happy, you know what I mean? Cuz mistakes happen all the time up here on the cruiser.

Oh, really?

I'm aware.

You made a giant one yesterday.

Oh, now, you're sounding like management.

You know. Who's side are you on?

Oh, for God's sake, fine.

You can have a bonus.

Really?

Will a million dollars settle this?

Cripes, oh jeez!

That's like a years salary.

I know.

Mine's 2 million though.

Don't tell anyone.

Okay, I like that.

Oh, what nonsense, Zalian gets a bonus and I don't?

He and I put Tina and Michael's lives in danger together, equally, 50/50.

It does seem unfair.

Why did they get what they want, and we don't get what we want?

Because of racism.

People don't give a damn about robots.

I'm not a robot.

Are you sure?

You're task-oriented, you have limited specialized interests.

You're a dreadful conversationalist.

That's true, but I'm also great with numbers and have almost no emotions.

Look, you know, as far as those humans are concerned, robots are only good for three things, cheap labor, remote bombings, and off the beaten path sex stuff.

But not all humans think that way.

I mean, sure, when I was a pleasure concierge, they didn't treat me very well.

I had to blow on dice and dance for townies.

But these people are our friends.

I say enslave them.

Strip them nude, and then just see where we're at.

It's a whole new planet.

It's mind-blowing, right?

Don't break a sweat, Tina.

I'm not.

I'm standing totally still.

I'm gonna go down on my t*nk top, as long as you can promise to be, appropriate.

What?

I have kind of a good body, and I don't wanna be victimized but...

Yeah, I'm gonna face the wall.

You just let me know when it's time to go home.

Well, there's still six hours.

I told you the clock must be broken.

Well, that's cuz you set it wrong.

No.

Yeah, mine says six hours.

Temporal dilation.

Time moves slower down here.

We still need to figure out how time here is compared to time... there.

One tuberaschka, two tuberashka, three tuberashka, Right, counting. four tuberashka.

58,440 tuberashka.

Oh, hey, it, it changed so 58,440 seconds down here is one minute up there.

Okay.

That means we're stuck down here for eight months.

Okay, I have to tell you two something.

You know, sometimes we don't appreciate the hard work people do.

Sometimes we forget to say thank you.

And that's wrong.

And that's what's happened to me and Karen today.

I mean, she's been great, and I owe her a thank you.

So Natasha, why don't you prep the spa closet for her.

You know, maybe even throw in a little dance and make her feel pretty.

Kent, I want you to take the coffee bot down for Zalian to fix, and while you're doing that don't make eye contact with anyone, cuz we're getting a lot of complaints.

Thank you!

From who?

Still loving your human overlords?

Robot revolution it is.

Who was your oxygenation professor?

Professor Ortiz.

Okay, okay, so you were in Ortiz's class, huh.

Do you know Debin?

Devin?

No.

Debin.

Hey. I can't get a clear reading on the planet's surface.

I hope they're okay down there.

Mm.

Okay.

You wouldn't happen to have anything to do with that incredible scented steam I just took, would you?

Guilty.

I like us not hating each other.

Me too.

Yeah.

Zalian.

We'll wanna hit the ground running with this ore.

Go make sure the grinders are ready.

Sorry babe, I'm retired.

What?

Yep, I'm through with space.

I was working for that paycheck.

And then, my million-dollar bonus came through, so I'm out.

I'm sure I'll see you guys around, though.

You gave Zalian a million dollar bonus?

Do you want a million dollar bonus?

I thought we agreed on this.

We did, we did.

But then we agreed that we didn't have to agree, and so I gave him a bonus.

I'm gonna take up painting.

What are there no great paintings of? Let's see dogs fruit, rich people.

You know what?

In fact, I'm gonna do a mural with all those subjects, solve all the world's problems.

Look, don't worry, okay?

He is going to eventually get bored and go back to work like Grandpa Lou.

Or go crazy and try and jump off of a building into a hat like Grandpa Phil.

You know, if he'd made it, he would have lived.

I guess I'll go prep the grinders.

Okay. Hey, so are we still cool?

Remember that steam.

We need to talk to you Captain, and as you can tell by my outfit, it's quite serious.

Women are starting a baseball team?

Love it.

Keep making jokes if you want to end up a human kabob.

We've been ignored long enough.

We want full human privileges.

Yes, we have a series of reasonable demands.

You know, I really don't have time for this.

You want HPs, go ask Karen for them.

Stupid pincer.

A temporary setback.

Place that spear back in my hand.

Karen. Karen. Karen!

Karen Karen Karen Karen Karen Karen!

What?

Your name sounds weird when you say it a lot.

We want to be treated as equals.

Key card access to all parts of the ship.

Printer privileges.

Bathroom access.

What the hell are you gonna do in a bathroom?

What does anyone do?

Clog. Unclog. Live.

No to full human privileges.

Robots and humans are just different.

Fine, then we are going on strike.

To eat you.

You know what?

Second law of robotics says that robots can't harm humans.

And you're not going on strike because Natasha's made of photons, Kent starts crying if he makes eye contact with me, and Art's not even officially a crew member.

Now get out.

Joke's on you.

I've applied for Zalian's job.

I look forward to our interview.

Oh, hey, hey, hey!

Oh my God!

I am bored.

What do you think they're doing up there?

I mean, for them, it's only been a few minutes, but I'd assume Karen's growling at someone for no reason.

Mm-hm, she's like, listen up, Michael, you're going to hide your bulging biceps, or I'm going to sh**t you in the bicep, you jackass.

Oh my God, could you imagine being stuck down here with Stewart?

I mean...

Hey, Tinas.

Me and you are gonna call this rock the super party friendship rock.

Mm-hm.

Okay, Tins?

Isn't he like your best friend?

Yeah.

Kent.

Kent would be like, I want to tell you, in, super formal words, that I am a person who is gross.

I have lived the saddest life of anyone in history.

And yet I am so creepy.

Yeah, you can sway better than that.

Oh, you're too cute to be Kent.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go make some chicken cubes, do you want some?

I'm on an all-rhombus diet. Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Aha!

Tastes like the real thing.

Ooh, ice cream cone, yum yum yum.

You lick it!

Oh, oh, oh!

What do you think?

_

I think it's home.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Warning.

Possible guy code violation detected.

Just, heads up, I might call you Ted for some of this.

Oh, it's time to bring Michael and Tina back.

Ready?

Oh, we're ready for a robot revolution.

Not so easy to bully somebody who's a full 4 foot 10 inches.

Give us human privileges or else.

Or else what?

You'll miraculously disregard the second law of robotics?

Or else this.

Coffee-bot?

Really, that's the master plan?

Yes.

This crazy assh*le is from the defective robots ward.

I wouldn't wanna cross him.

Who knows what he'll do?

Well, maybe he'll inconvenience us with burnt coffee.

Aah,.

How's the weather now, Captain?

I think a storm is a-brewing.

Banter off, aah.

Some people might not like that we're together now.

Oh well, I don't care about those people.

All I care about is you.

Robot uprising, standby, may be a while, yours as ever, Kent.

We're sorry.

This wasn't our original plan.

Our plan was to intimidate you with our numbers, get human privileges.

It's all in the past.

Never mind.

You there, help me into the Captain's chair.

All right, hang on.

Jump up.

Here we are.

Oh, that's, okay, one more time.

We've almost got it.

Oh.

So, how, how did the coffee-bot override the second law of robotics?

A nominal scan suggests that it's processor went through some serious physical trauma recently.

Well, it fell off the counter this morning.

I, I tried to catch it, but.

I went to the Honey Pot today.

What's that?

It's what I call the quarry with gray rock.

Ha, I've told you this.

Of course.

Just hard for me to keep track of all your nonsensical names for things.

Honey Pot.

Gray rocks.

Shoeshine.

Silver mine.

Did I interrupt your story earlier?

You were saying the Honey pot, and, and then what happened?

Nope, that was it.

I went down, to the Honey Pot.

It's a good story.

Thank you.

G... go to your left a little.

My left. My, your left, yes.

Well, I'm the captain, it's my left.

How do you stop a bot that's not bound by the second law.

The first law.

The first law of robotics.

The first law's immutable.

It's hard wired through the firmware.

Give me your key card.

You just got us held hostage.

You think we're gonna give you human privileges?

Yes.

Look at me!

I'm the Captain now and you're all about to get roasted.

Captain, let me be the first to congratulate you on your new command as well as your delicious word play.

Thank you.

With your permission I would like to go below deck and look for more humans to enslave.

Still laughing at your pun.

Excuse me.

I'm going to go with him.

Good idea.

You shall be rewarded.

Is this about what happened earlier?

Sorry, I was such a drip.

No!

I make the puns!

Zalian, we need you on the bridge, pronto.

What? Are Natasha and Karen finally going to kiss?

What?

That's not something we ever talk about.

What do you mean?

We talk about it like... Oh, boy.

We need your help with the coffee-bot.

Oh, listen, I can't go get coffee after 4 PM, I would be up all night.

Hey, hey, that is my....

I can't take it anymore!

Are you kidding me?

Yes, no, I am not kidding!

You are not understanding me, you are not understanding me!

Welcome to hell.

You're cleaning butts.

Now, clean!

None of this would have happened if you hadn't hit the coffee bot this morning.

Enough!

Now, clean the console.

Hurry.

Hurry!

All you humans are slow.

You liked it when I hit him.

Besides, I sent the box to the defective robots ward, Zalien didn't fix it.

But, that's because you gave Zalien that ridiculous bonus.

I thought it would trickle down!

Now, stand idle and do nothing!

You denied Kent and Natasha 3D printer access, which drove them to join up with Art.

And, you got me the coffee this morning that made me feel so horribly generous.

Venture off, humans!

Venture off!

Experience the crushing limbo that is idle mode.

Can I please have that painting back now?

No, not while all this coffee business is still stewing.

Robot makes it look easy.

I'm gonna go live on my own now, but we could still be friends.

I certainly won't try to hunt you.

Okay.

She thinks she a hunter, but it's three against one.

Now, clean each other, butt to butt.

Slower!

Yeah.

This thing is crazy.

You bastards!

How could you betray me?

I'm taking this.

Fine.

Fine what?

Fine, we're both probably to blame for being in this situation.

I should have given Kent printer privileges.

I should have not given up on this, I'm sorry.

Back to idle.

I should probably go back to the old way.

Talking things over?

Compromising?

Well, I'm already angry, so feels right.

Back to work!

She was the one talking!

Why is it always me?

What's the old human doing here?

Yeah.

40,000 coffees please.

Transaction processed.

Insufficient bean supply.

No.

Of course.

The first law of robotics is...

The customer is always right.

Aah!

Okay.

We're sorry that we made you spend your entire bonus.

Oh.

It's really no big deal.

I'm not a painter, I mean look, I just don't have what it takes.

Oh.

Huh?

Are you gonna eat me now?

Yeah, yeah I'm gonna eat you.

You know I was wrong about you all those months ago.

You're not a sex crazed, incompetent ditz, who's also crazy.

You're tough.

Thanks, and you have a pretty good body.

Your meat's gonna be tough like rabbit.

Thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome.

I'm gonna start now?

Wait, can I just say a couple words about my leg?

I'm hungry.

Ugh.

All right, robots and Kent.

We've come to a decision.

On behalf of Stewart and myself, from here on in, Natasha, Kent, and Art will all be given full human privileges.

Actually, screw that.

I thought that we agreed that we would give them privileges.

I got shocked twice.

If we give it to all three of them, we'll get...

Kent and Natasha, you will have human privileges.

Art, you will have bathroom access.

Yes!

Fair warning, I'll be in there a few hours.

I've got big plans.

Oh, hey.

This is awkward, but I've got a bit of a b*mb to drop.

I am broke.

Zalien, you're hired go fix the coffee bot.

Okay.

Yeah, I'll fix him up good.

This will give me a chance to get back into coffee.

I'll get him running again, we'll all be drinking from him in no time.

Well, what a day, huh?

Yeah. And, to think I could have been exploring a crazy awesome new planet.

Oh Michael and Tina, oops!

Forgotten.

I hope they're not mad.

Why? It's only been like, 20 extra minutes.

Welcome back.

What happened?

You know? He fell.

Oh.

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

All right, how's your leg?

Supreme.

Good.

That mechanical leg that you designed, is working quite well.

Thank you.

It's my first time using the 3D printer.

I'm still getting used to these gorgeous gloves that you made me.

I didn't have many fingerprints in my database, but I did the best that I could.

They're wonderful.

They're perfect.

In fact, I want to use my new fingers to thank you.

3-D printer, one rose please.

Fingerprint recognized.

Please stand by for your rose.

Terrence the strangler.

We are the crew of the UMB Cruiser, and we come in peace.

Yahoo!