01x01 - Youth

[bunniefuu]

Right!

Whoa.

Hold it right there.

What's going on?

What's going on?

It's a card. In an envelope.

Well, thank you. For both.

Says, "Good luck in your new job."

Now you've spoilt the surprise.

Kitten with a stethoscope on... It's a hospital.

Don't tell the lads.

About the kitten?

About the card. As you know, we don't give cards in the Force.

We're all about kicking down doors, pinning people to the floor, screaming in their faces.

I don't know why I left.

You left cos it made you sad.

We were Bad Cop, Sad Cop.

I wasn't sad, Ian.

I just... I cared about people.

Never care, my friend.

Never care.

Thank you for the tip.

Hey, where's the nurse's outfit? In your handbag?

Genius!

Don't ladder your tights.

OK.

(SIGHS) Morning.

Hi.

Hi erm... music-wise, we were thinking sort of Scandinavian, kind of a Mediaeval-type vibe.

Just wondering if er... that's gonna be a problem for you guys?

Not for me, no. But then I'm feeling faintly suicidal anyway.

The only other issue is the lighting.

OK, can I stop you right there?

Mm-hm?

I've been divorced for three weeks, and you're on very thin ice.

Being... a man.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hello, Matthew.

Hi.

So, an official welcome to the hairiest midwife in the hospital.

Apart from Tina, that is.

Do you know, I was just talking to one of my other midwives, and we were saying how great it's gonna be to have, you know, a man about the place.

Well, if I find one, I'll let you know.

Best bit of advice I ever got, "Never be afraid to ask".

Ask what?

Well, anything you're not sure of.

No, I'm just showing you that I'm not afraid to ask.

Remember erm... beginnings are usually scary.

Oh...

Endings are usually sad.

But it is the middle that counts.

Oscar Wilde!

Sandra Bullock.

Fine actress.

Mm-hm.

Divorced.

I...

Great...

Thank you, Matthew.

All right.

Good morning.

OK...

Catch.

First day, and you're nervous like a big jellyfish.

Jellyfish are famous for their anxiety, of course.

(READS) "Good luck with the fanny-wrangling, mate."

Can I have that?

"Give us a shout if you need the Taser."

No, that's just my flatmate. He's just er... a bit old-school.

Still at school, if you ask me.

What have I got? Alexa James in the Birthing Suite.

Paddling pool, yay!

This is for her.

Do we know that it's a...?

It's not for the baby.

Breaking the bad news about the midwife.

Er... and I also have Claire Fisher in Room Five, who is 16 years old.

Mm, she need a big kick up her skinny teenage backside.

OK.

Her mother bringing her chicken nugget smoothies.

Oh, yeah, in a One Direction Thermos flask.

Excuse me?

Hi. Hello.

Er... you must be, don't tell me, Mrs... Price?

32 weeks, here for the antenatal?

I'm not pregnant.

No, obviously not. No, that's...

Ignore that. That's just me and my catchphrase.

I say that to everybody.

"Hi, you must be Mrs Price. 32 weeks, here for the antenatal."

Don't I, Pat?

No. It's his first day.

(LAUGHS) And then Pat pretends it's my first day, which is er... just one of the many laughs we have here.

Really?

Oh, yeah. You were just saying, weren't you, about the lady that brought in the chicken nugget smoothie in the One Direction Thermos flask, which is absolutely fine.

Nothing funny about that, unlike the funny things that we DO do here.

Hi. You must be Mrs Price. 32 weeks, here for the antenatal?

What?

(PHONE CHIMES)

Claire's in Room Five, Mrs Fisher.

Well, I've gotta go back to the car park now, cos my husband's having road rage.

Thank you, Pat. Thank you for that!

Pat?

Hm?

The baby!

That's saline for you.

Hello. I don't think we've been properly introduced.

I've just qualified.

Luke Edward, Consultant Obstetrician.

Matthew Bunting.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(OK...)

All you need is a Mark and a John.

What?

There's Matthew, Luke. All we need is a Mark and a John.

We should have our own gospel choir.

Or we could just work in the healthcare industry.

Yeah, OK. Well done on the O-word, though.

On the what?

Well done on being able to say obstetrician.

I think that's half the battle.

Half the battle...

Well, not half the battle. 10% of the battle.

If I was to give a pregnant mother the choice between, on the one hand, the survival of her baby, and all the way over here, hearing me pronounce the word "obstetrician" correctly, which one do you think she might choose?

No, I've got it. I understand. It's not part of the battle at all.

What is it?

It's a trivial irrelevance.

That is exactly what it is. Well done.

OK.

Well done.

Can I help you?

Er... no, you're all right.

I am all right, yes. Are you all right?

Yeah...

Just... browsing.

It's OK. I'm not trying to sell you anything.

Though if you don't have a connection to a patient -

I have.

Erm... Claire. Claire Fisher.

OK, and you are...?

Her... her brother.

Oh, you're her little brother?

Big.

Big?

Little... Big.

Big little... little big brother Gary.

And did you want to go see her, Big Little Gary?

I dunno. Has she got anyone with her?

Not at the moment, no. Her mum's in the car park, dealing with a fight.

Your mum.

My mum? Oh... yeah, yeah.

Our mum.

You know where to go?

Yeah... Are you a doctor?

No. I'm a midwife.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, right!

I am a midwife.

I thought they were old women.

I see what you've done.

You've mixed up the terms "midlife" and "wife" and come up with something really quite offensive.

Sorry, mate. "Miss"!

"Mate" is fine.

Sorry about calling you Mrs Price earlier.

Unless it happens to be your name.

No, it's Lisa.

Matthew.

Hi.

Hi.

(MACHINE BEEPS) Good choice.

Oh, yeah? You think?

I do, yeah. Very good.

You know, I read in Vietnam, prostitutes used to use that, actually, at the end of a night's work, so to speak er... because of its spermicidal properties.

Is that right?

Mm-hm, yeah. They used to shake it up and... spray it up themselves as a sort of er... vaginal douche.

Not saying that's why you picked it.

You're not a Vietnamese prost*tute. I noticed that about you.

Thanks. That sounds almost like a chat-up line!

No, actually, that went quite well for me.

If it had been a chat-up line, it would have gone a lot worse.

Proper disaster. Real train crash.

My parents d*ed in a train crash.

Shut the f... Are you sure?

Am I sure?

You're kidding me, right?

Well, either that, or I'm doing some really bad chatting up just to make you feel at home.

You are in there!

In?

Like a douche.

(WOMAN GROANS)

Hello, Alexa.

How are you feeling?

You know...

Pat. I think I can take it from here.

I was just passing. Thought I'd help ease the tension.

Whale music.

She's not a Willy, Matthew.

It's soothing.

Don't touch my stereo!

Matthew!

Bless you.

(WHALESONG)

Isn't that better?

Oh, yeah. That's really nice.

Nice, isn't it? See?

(ENGINE NOISE OVERLAYS WHALESONG)

Is that a...

Is that a boat?

I don't think it is.

(DOGS BARKING) (MEN SHOUTING) (SPLASHING) (HARPOON sh*ts)

(WHALESONG BECOMES AGITATED)

Whalers. Oh, my God. That's whalers.

I'm so sorry, Alexa. Let me see if I can just...

Pat, how do I turn this thing off?

(HYPERVENTILATES)

Pat, can you just help me turn this...

(CRIES OUT)

(SOOTHINGLY) And breathe...

Under there. Up there.

You are very overdue, Mrs Khilnani, but the trouble is, if I get involved, it's normally a very bad sign.

Your midwife is the best person to deal with you.

Who are you with?

Tash.

Right...

Even so -

Can I have your mobile number?

(SCOFFS) I don't even give that to my wife!

Will I see you tomorrow morning?

Do you play golf?

No?

Then no.

OK, Alexa, I want you to remember our breathing and our exercises, OK?

We're in the Indian Ocean.

Oh, what next?

Have you got a CD of Somali pirates?

I just have a different technique to you, Pat. That's all, OK?

Mine's just a little gentler, a little bit more subtle.

Namby-pamby nonsense, that's what it is.

(Shall we not do this in front of the mother?)

She don't care. Look at her.

(GROANS)

OK, Alexa, I want... Alexa? I want you to do something for me -

Oh, listen, Missy! I want you to give one hell of a push, or I will climb up in that womb and boot the baby out myself.

No, no, no, no. What Pat means is you're doing very, very well.

(MOANS IN PAIN)

Ah, the big purple slug is coming!

Beautiful baby, on its way.

Now I want you to squeeze, like you're doing the biggest poo ever.

Or, as we say, "marshmallow vag*na."

Sorry, is there any way that I can buy an eight-gig memory card?

Not in here, no.

Does anyone have a spare charger?

Out!

There you are.

(BABY CRYING)

Oh, look!

A beautiful... beautiful, beautiful baby, look.

Oh!

Well done.

Well done!

Well done, just said that.

I said it first.

(BABY CRIES HARDER)

Left to you, he would still be up there, hands wrapped round the mother's lungs, saying, "I'm not coming out today, cos there's a ladyboy waiting to play me Michael Buble and rub me in patchouli oil."

Don't knock the Buble. 30 million albums sold, he's...

Anyway, I got her warmed up, nice and gentle.

You just happened to come in at the right moment, giving it all that like a giant Rastamouse.

What did you say?

It's not r*cist to say that someone is a giant Rastamouse.

Is it? Rastamouse is a loveable children's cartoon character.

He's a crime-fighter, he's intelligent.

He's a lead guitarist! If anything, it's a compliment.

Well, "unprovoked abuse", it says here.

Unprovoked? Well, she undermines me in front of my own patients, she hits me, she called me a ladyboy.

Now, I could complain about that.

Are you a transgender woman?

No.

Well, you can tell me.

Oh, OK! No.

Well, then. You know, tough. Fat Pat has made it -

I'm sorry, who?

(SIGHS) OK, "Patricia".

Patricia's made a complaint, I have to get you in and pass it on to HR.

Please don't let them sack me.

Well, I'm gonna do my best for you, Matthew.

No. Do more.

OK, I won't let them sack you.

Yes, thank you.

Yeah, but, you know, butch up, ladyboy!

Or she will cross you, mentally and potentially physically.

I'm butch, you know?

Oh, don't do that.

I won't do that.

That's just... old police instinct, kicking in.

Yeah, good. Consider that sorted.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

(GROWLS)

Claire?

Sorry, didn't mean to er... disturb you and your brother.

You weren't disturbing nothing.

Nice to see siblings who get on so well. Very heartwarming.

Your parents will be here any second.

I just saw them in the corridor.

No! Is there a way out of here?

Yeah, you have your baby, you get discharged and off you go.

No, for him! What about the window?

Well, they open about three inches.

There's a sign up there, look, says, "Exit for supermodels only".

Now, shall we start again?

Because er... I do have a sixth sense about these things.

He's not your brother, is he?

Claire, we should just tell them.

No, not yet. My parents think it's his fault.

They're gonna k*ll him. Dad says he's gonna bite his face.

How do you feel about having your face bitten?

Is there a ventilation shaft?

Let's be sensible.

Trolley.

I'm not convinced she's pregnant at all, I think she needed a big poo.

Hello.

Both: Hi.

Just moving the old trolley.

Light needs a new erm...

(CRASH)

OK.

All, one slice each, four equal parts.

Wait, four? What about er... Matthew?

(SCOFFS) Men don't eat cake.

Yeah, well, maybe this guy's in touch with his cake side.

Cut the cake before I die of low blood cake level.

This was left for the midwife team. He might not even last the day.

Isn't that right, Pat?

He needs to man up.

Be honest, Lisa. Survival chances?

He does tend to put his foot in it.

Which is no way to deliver a baby.

Says who?

Tuesday's theatre notes, please?

Mr Edward, do you like Bunting?

I don't know, Natasha, for I have never bunted.

No! Matthew Bunting, our new boy.

Oh, no. Him. Witters and drivels and mutters.

(I don't think he's all there.)

See?

Should fit in quite well.

You don't know anything, do you?

I can assure you, I've had exactly the same training as all the women here.

I'm fully qualified to -

No, no, no.

I mean about the father.

Oh, sorry erm...

He likes his aftershave. Into weaponry, by the looks of it.

Not Claire's father. The baby's father.

(I didn't think it had one.)

Did you think this was an immaculate conception?

"Immaculate" just sounds like boasting, doesn't it?

OK, I haven't been here the whole time, so I wondered if you'd heard anything.

Moaning, mostly. Little bit of screaming.

Any names?

Mmm... Jesus Christ?

He popped up a couple of times. Does that help?

Mm-hm.

We have to disclose.

You know, they're nice kids.

He only looks about 12.

Well, exactly. If he's underage, that's against the law.

Yeah, we'd be guilty of aiding and abetting Claire in a criminal act.

Do you mean we'd all be Claire's accessories?

That is literally taking the piss.

Literally?

Yeah. Me and Caitlin know way more about this than you.

I do.

Perhaps you're forgetting my background in law enforcement.

Perhaps YOU'RE forgetting your background in law enforcement.

No, I just pointed that out to you right there, didn't I?

Maybe you've got a three-second memory. Maybe you're a goldfish.

And I suppose next you'll be saying goldfish shouldn't be midwives?

They shouldn't.

All right, I'm not gonna push that.

Er...

Are you OK?

Yes, just in a terrible rush...

Mm-hm.

.. to get on.

..£4.40 an hour, right?

You're joking.

Hello.

Claire's doing fine. My shift's nearly ending, so...

Probably over by the time I'm back.

Who's this?

Hm? Oh, this?

Yeah.

Er... yes, this... This is er... my er... student midwife.

Who said that was allowed?

Yeah, who said that was allowed?

All right, Dan.

We asked Claire if he could sit in, learn a few things, and she said that would be fine.

Well, what have you learned?

You must've learned something.

That a midwife isn't an old woman.

How old are you?

28.

No... What? He doesn't mean... that.

He means he's 28 months into his training.

That's what he's saying there. He's just er...

You're obsessed with qualifying, aren't you?

Just gotta be a midwife!

No, he's er... he's...19.

Well, I'd love the name of your skincare product.

Clearasil.

OK, Gary, I think we'll go type some notes up, shall we?

Hi.

Oh, hi.

You all right? Off home?

Yeah.

Me, too, very soon. Not your home, obviously.

That would be weird. I'm not a stalker.

Just like I'm not a Vietnamese prost*tute?

Yeah, but then you don't look like a Vietnamese prost*tute.

I could look a bit like a stalker.

In certain lights.

Really?

Nah, you're too clean-shaven.

Dedicated stalkers don't have time to shave.

I could use an electric shaver. I could do it on the go, you know?

Between your home and your work, your favourite route through the park, as I'm hiding there in a bush.

Just gave that way too much thought, didn't I?

Yeah, just a bit.

Also, you didn't think about how much noise an electric shaver would make.

I could... put it on silent?

Put it on silent?

Are you, in fact, shaving with a mobile telephone?

Maybe...

(TUTS)

Hey erm... Quick question erm... Supposing there was a little er... squirrel. And this little squirrel got another little squirrel pregnant.

Oh, yeah. I think I read about that.

OK, and then there's a tall, male midwife squirrel.

He's maybe recently qualified?

Maybe.

And is having some problems with the concept of patient confidentiality?

The point is, the male midwife squirrel, tall one... he knows who the father is.

Should he tell the squirrel's parents?

Well, I think that the tall, male midwife squirrel should follow his... nuts.

(CAR HORN HONKS TWICE)

Sorry, that's my boyfriend. He's waiting in the car.

Oh!

See you.

I didn't realise you had a... car.

Follow my nuts.

(TYRES SCREECH) (SIREN WAILS) (ENGINE ROARS) (TYRES SQUEAL)

And I won't be doing this every day.

Wouldn't be late if you hadn't flooded the bathroom.

Once again, I thought it had gone away.

I even used the coat hanger. What time you coming back?

I've no idea.

Well, you come back whenever the hell you like, mate!

I will, thank you. It's my flat.

Whevs.

(g*ns ENGINE) (SIREN WAILS) (TYRES SQUEAL) (WOMAN SCREAMING)

You think this is painful, Claire?

Try dealing with a divorce solicitor.

Hi, Claire. Thank you for waiting for me.

Oh, anyone would put up with another 12 hours of agony just to see your reassuring face, Matthew.

Get him out. Get him bloody out.

The head's crowning, he's gonna be with us very soon.

No, not the baby!

What?

Ow!

Sorry.

What was that?

(YELLS IN PAIN)

Claire, you're doing very well.

That wasn't Claire.

It sounded a bit like Claire.

There's somebody under the bed.

I don't... Are you sure?

(HYPERVENTILATES)

How long have you been under there?

(SCREAMS)

About seven hours?

(BABY CRIES)

And we have a boy for you, Claire.

Yes, look - he's fully grown and wearing clothes!

What the hell were you doing for seven hours?

Revising.

What?

I'm obsessed.

You were what?

I was learning. I wanna be a midwife.

Your beautiful, beautiful grandson.

Oh!

There we are.

Yes, beautiful baby.

Is he all right?

Him? Oh, yes, he just er...

He just gets very emotionally involved in his work.

Male emotions, though. So temporary, and/or fake.

I was just saying...

(Explain.)

It's a Kindle. My Kindle.

Why was it inside Mrs Khilnani's pants?

I was showing her 50 Shades Of Grey. I thought it might induce labour.

And then her husband came in, so she hid it.

And then her waters broke.

Mm.

And so, Natasha, what lesson have we learned?

Never place a Kindle near a lady's dindle.

You think you can claim water damage on it?

I know I can, actually.

Erm... nearly 17.

How do you know that?

Because I...

He just showed me his ID.

You are so naive. Kids get fake IDs.

They buy them off the Internet so they can get served in pubs.

So he got a fake ID that says he's nearly 17?

Wonder how much he paid for that?

He's er... not really with us at the moment. Bit like his dad.

Yeah. Listen, about the father...

Wherever he is, you know, he might care deeply for Claire.

Might not be able to sleep, worrying about the future of this little one.

(SNORING)

He might've been, you know -

Trying to help.

.. a constant comfort to Claire, only hiding his identity because -

She was probably just afraid.

.. she insisted on it.

I think I've got this.

Sorry. Just here in case he hits you.

She's just here in case I hit you.

Are you threatening me?

Both: No, no.

Leave it, Dave.

No, no. He's right.

Come on, son. Oi.

Maybe it's time for you to be a constant comfort.

Ah, she told you.

Your advice, apparently.

Yeah, so... thanks.

(Clever squirrel.)

I'm a what?

Birthing jargon.

Right, there's no easy way to put this.

Did you pick up eight ounces of cannabis and a g*n?

A g*n?!

They were in the car!

No? Bloody hell.

Friend of yours?

Never seen him before in my life.