01x01 - Pilot

Episode transcripts for this TV show, "Down Dog." Aired: January 15, 2015.
A handsome, carefree yoga instructor has breezed through life, women, and jobs, but when he breaks up with his girlfriend - who's also his partner at their successful yoga studio - he's forced to face reality for the first time. A satirical look at LA's yoga culture.
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01x01 - Pilot

Post by bunniefuu »

Narrator: Logan Wood's journey began even before he was born.

His father was a dedicated farmer whose crops were in high demand.

His mother was in charge of quality control, and happily shared her duties with the entire family.

Narrator: Luckily for Logan, he was born beautiful... since he was also born stoned.

♪ I'm a fleabit peanut monkey ♪
♪ All my friends are junkies ♪
♪ That's not really true ♪



♪ I'm a cold Italian pizza ♪
♪ I could use a lemon squeezer ♪


You have ink on your lip.

Narrator: Though never a scholar, Logan was lucky to attract special attention from a teacher, which is how he managed to graduate Palisades High with a C-plus average.


I'm not cut out to be a teacher.

♪ A monkey woman too ♪

Narrator: That fall, as Logan's friends headed to college, his father encouraged him to go into the family business.


[police siren wails]

♪ I always have an unmade bed ♪
♪ Don't you? ♪
♪ Well, I hope we're not too messianic ♪
♪ Or a trifle too satanic ♪
♪ We love to play the blues ♪
♪ Well, I am just a monkey man ♪
♪ I'm glad you are a monkey, monkey... ♪

Hi, Officer.

♪ Monkey woman too, babe ♪

Narrator: After a while, Logan felt he wanted to try a less stressful line of work.

He needed direction... badly.

But unable to decide which direction his life should take, his big decision was to not make a decision and just enjoy the ride.

But years later, the ride was getting old, and so was he.

It was time to embark on a new career.

What could he do where he wouldn't have to work hard, earn enough money to live on, but that didn't require an education?

Finally, he stumbled on the perfect calling.

[Middle Eastern]



Look at you guys.


Flow through and...


Feel how your body rests against the floor... and breathe.

So this morning, I'm out at Topanga, and I'm surfing the barrel, and I get, like, this total adrenaline rush.

And then I get my waffles at Cora's, and I get my sugar rush.

And then I come here, and I get my equanimity.

Yoga practice isn't about toning your thighs.

Although, that's a nice bonus.

But it's about connecting with that part of yourself that's not what you do or what you have, but your essence.

It's about finding that peace within yourself and leaving here calm and centered.

So, now, picture yourself at the beach.



The sun warming your skin.

[surf rolling]

The rhythm of the waves.


You're perfect.


[surf crashing]


Will you marry me?



Spank me.


Spank me harder.

If you find your mind wandering, gently bring it back.

Zoe, you rocked it out today. Great job.

Patty, hey, how's the hamstring?

Oh! So sorry, so sorry.

Gabrielle, I'm so, so, so, so sorry I'm late.

Sweetie, are you okay? You're shaking.

Tell me.

I almost just got k*lled.

Winter, you okay? What happened?

I'm on the bus, and I look out the window, and there's this dog in the middle of all of this traffic on Venice Boulevard.

And I... I don't think, I just jump out, and I run, and I scoop her up.

And I...

Can you get her a bottle of water?

And then this woman in an "SVU" honks and rolls down her window and screams,

"What are you doing? Are you an idiot or a whore?"

I'm like... I'm like, "Seriously?"

Her kids are in the car. And I'm like,

"Hello. I'm saving a human life, you bitch."

And then she gives me the finger and then just drives off.

Logan, I swear, I was gonna be here on time.

I'm trying so hard to be more responsible, but I just keep f*cking everything up.

Are you kidding me? You're amazingly brave.

You did the right thing.

But I called that c**t a bitch right in front of her kids.

Okay, sweetie, people come here to de-stress.

Come on. Come here.

[phone rings]

Heart Space L.A. Yoga and Healing Arts.

[gasps] Amanda! Hi!

How's Santa Barbara? How's the wedding?

It's gorgeous.

I'm a little drunk.

Oh! And they upgraded me to a suite.

I want Logan to cut his class and get his ass up here.

Can you go get him for me?

Oh, he's in the bathroom with Winter.

Winter? What's he doing in there with Winter?

He's comforting her.

She came in late again all sorry and contrite, but, of course, there's always some kind of dramatic excuse.

Jesus God, I am so sick of this damsel in distress routine.

Yeah, sometimes...

I can't help but wonder if she's back on the drugs.



[both exhale]

[knocking on door]

Gabriele: Logan? Amanda's on the phone.

f*ck! Amanda said she would f*re me if I was late one more time.

No one's gonna f*re you.

Just tell her I'll call her right back.

Hey, he says, um, he's busy, but he'll call you back when he's done with Winter.

And looking this way, please.

[flash bulb pops]

Narrator: Amanda Asher met Logan at another wedding three years earlier when he offered her a drink.

At the time, she was head of business affairs for a Hollywood studio, but she was looking for a change.

Yeah, come on.

Oh, yeah. Oh, f*ck, yeah.

[both grunting]

Oh, yeah.

[both chattering, indistinct]

[chortles, chuckles]

I actually have a friend who does laugh like that.

And she's a beautiful girl.

When am I gonna see you again?

Narrator: When Amanda quit to open Heart Space, she trained her new boyfriend as an instructor.

Six weeks later, he moved into her condo.

Hey, Amanda, where's Logan?

He's in the bathroom.

You're the only one who believes in me.

If it weren't for you, I don't know where I'd be.

Oh, whoa, hey.

We talked about this. I'm with Amanda.

I know.


Just let me blow you.

I really want to.

You don't have to do anything back.

I can't.

Pull yourself together, and come out when you're ready.

Wait. Do you mind taking the dog?

Just until I get out of Sober Living.

I can't take her to the pound. I just can't.

She's downstairs with these gardeners who gave us a ride.

Okay, just put her in the office.

Thank you.

Logan, hi, I'm Dawn Hangii.


Can I get a hug?

Everyone else got a hug.





You've done that before.

[chuckles] This is two weeks in a row.

I'm glad you're sticking with it.

Thank you. You're good.

Look, um, I've been checking you out.

Not like that.


My, um, partners and I are looking for someone to star in a yoga video.

We produced some of Rodney Yee's early stuff.

I don't know if you...

Rodney Yee?


He... Whoa. He's, like, Rodney Yee.

Oh, you know Rodney?

Yeah. Whoa?

Okay. Great.

Rodney Yee.

Well, I just think...

You actually remind me a lot of him.

I mean, obviously, you're Caucasian.

But you know what I mean?


Like, in a lot of ways.

And I just think we could sell the shit out of you.



I'd love to reach people who don't have the chance to come to a class like mine.

That's why...

Like in the Midwest or... You know?

Why don't we get together tonight for dinner.

We can talk about it.


Do you like sushi?

Oh. Yeah.

Except, my girlfriend Amanda's my business partner.

She should be there.


She's out of town until Monday.

She should be there.

Maybe Monday night?


I'll have my assistant call you, and we will set that up.


I'm so stoked!

Narrator: Clearly, the universe had big plans for Logan.

He started seeing signs everywhere, even little things.

He found a parking spot on Abbot Kinney, only a half a block from the restaurant, which was a miracle on a sunny Saturday.

Then, there was an hour left on the meter.

Then he saw an actual sign, which he took as an omen.


The timing is perfect. I've been wanting to buy that Buddha forever.

It's like fate. We only take Visa and MasterCard.

[ringtone chimes]

Babe, I was gonna call you.

Hey! How's everything going?

Great. Check this out. There's this yoga video that this producer wants me to do...

I heard somebody was tardy again today.

Winter? Yeah. She was saving this dog.

A dog, squirrel, whale.

We're running a business, Logan, not a support group.

It won't happen again.

Until it happens again.

I talked to her.

In the bathroom.

Jesus! Did Gabrielle say something?

'Cause, f*ck, Amanda, the girl was shaking, she was scared.

Are you sleeping with her?

I told you 20 times I'm not.

I've always been honest with you.

You know that's my thing.


So let's be honest.

Are we ever getting engaged?

My deadline was 18 months ago.

I can't live like this.

So, just... [chuckles]

Do you see us ever getting married or not?

Straight answer. Yes or no?

Let's not waste any more time.


I want you out of my condo before I get back tomorrow night.


Just put your keys on the table by the door.

[phone beeps]


So I bought that Buddha.

The huge one? You didn't.

How much?

Like two grand.

Oh, my God.

What? Does it shit gold?

It's from Tibet or Thailand.

And it's marked down, like, 60 percent.

I never would have bought it, except this producer wants me to star in a yoga video.

Oh, that's awesome. Congrats, man.

Dude, see? I told you. You are a rock star.

Yeah, I'm psyched.

You should be.

No, no. No bread. Take that away.

What are you doing?


I asked for that bread. I wanted bread.

You can't just send...

I'm on a cleanse, Matteo.

Oh, wow.

Nothing but organic juice.

You guys should do it with me. I feel great.

My skin has, like, a totally different texture.

Get a load of that.

No. You're a girl.

Yeah, whose gonna have six percent body fat.

Suck my dick.

Yeah, Amanda and I broke up.

What? When?

Just now before I got here.

Good for you.

How does the Buddha get top billing?

I mean, she was fine at first.

But lately, she's been such a bummer.

What happened?

It's the marriage thing.

She's at a wedding, and that always sets her off.

It's normal for her to want some sort of real commitment.

You guys have been together a long time.

So what, he's supposed to marry some chick he's not in love with?

Whoa, I never said I didn't love her.

Look, all relationships have ebbs and flows.

Are you sure this isn't an intimacy thing?

Leave him alone.

He's not one of your patients.

So now that you're free, you should ask some of those models in your classes to come out with us.

You can be the lure.

And I can be the lure's cute, horny, well-endowed friend.

Yeah, 'cause it's all about you.

Did you take a nap today?

Anyway, I am gonna get the burger.

I haven't had red meat since Amanda went vegan.

Oh, f*ck it. I'm getting one, too.

And a shake.

And a beer. And some fries.

Could we get some bread over here, please?

I remember this luggage from the last time you moved.

Amanda is never gonna find another guy like you again.

How old is she anyway?

Okay, so, now what? You got a game plan?

No, I'm just gonna stay up at my dad's till I figure out what I wanna do.

I thought he was living with his girlfriend and her kids.

He is. I'm gonna stay in the teepee.

You're not gonna stay in that f*cking teepee.

It's fine. I'm happy to get back to a simpler life.

It's so easy to get caught up in all this stuff.

I don't care what anyone says, stuff makes me happy.

Every time I see stuff I don't have, I think how much happier I'd be if I owned it.

Like, after I got this watch, I love my wrist.

Anyways, just for now, if that yoga video takes off...

I'll find you a house on the beach in Malibu.

I'll even cut my commission.

You'll eat your commission, douchebag.

Aren't we kind of getting ahead of ourselves? I mean, even if the video happens, what's your plan in the meantime?

Have you thought about where you're gonna work?

At the studio.


Isn't that gonna be kind of awkward?

You guys just broke up three hours ago.

Amanda's a smart businesswoman.

We're great partners.

I just have to show her that we can still be cool.

I don't know.

Women are full of rage.

Will you at least be able to keep the Lexus, or will you be riding a horse now?

Hey, you okay?

Wanna go grab a drink?

[dog barks]

Woman: Muffin, get back here.

[barking continues]


[Middle Eastern]



[dog barks]


Oh, oh, oh, you stink.


Dude, you're hitting the showers.

[water running]

Can I help?


How do you feel?



You released a lot of dark energy.

Just lie there. Get up slowly.

I'm gonna get you some water.



[moaning, panting]





Logan, say my name!







Winter: Logan, I'm coming!

Hey, you might wanna get back here.


This is perfect.

I'll take care of you.

We could take care of each other.

Oh, yeah. This is great.

Um, let's just...

You know, let's take things slow.

[door closes]

Logan, what was that?

[clattering in distance]



I just came by to pick up a few things.

Don't let me interrupt you.

What are you doing here?

I came back early from Santa Barbara.



Can we talk, please?

Hi, Winter.


Amanda, I was telling the truth.

We never did it when we were together.

So, you waited the requisite two-minute mourning grace period between breakup and penetration.

I'm gonna get dressed.

I'm sorry. I'm so f*cking stupid.

No, this has actually been helpful.

Thank you for the clarity.

Where are you going?

I quit.

It's less stressful being a studio executive.

You can't quit. What about the business?

I don't care about the business.

You can close it.

You can buy me out.

You can burn it down, and Winter can smoke it.

But you're gonna have to make a decision for once in your life.

Okay, babe, I know you're upset.

I get it. But we're a great team.

We built this place into something.

I built this place into something.

I opened it. I paid the bills.

I played the heavy and did all the shit work while you wore skimpy outfits and pretended you knew something.

Hey, I'm the draw.

I'm the reason that people come here.

Without me, there'd be no Heart Space.

Then you buy the business, you're such a big draw.


Okay. I will.

Just tell me how to do it.



That was so intense.

I'm here for you no matter what.

But if you don't drop me off at Sober Living, like, right now, I am so f*cked.

[shouting in distance]

[dog barking]

Hey, dog?

[dog barks]



Give me that, little shit.

Jesus, what was that?

My girlfriend's running a little sleepover camp to bring in some change.

Medical marijuana's k*lling me.

What a scam.

You must be going out of your mind.

You were never much of a kid person.

Hey, we all gotta eat shit to live, except the rich people.

What happened to the teepee?

The kids trashed it.

[dog barks]

What the hell was that?

[dog barks]

That was the dog.

If you had married Amanda like she wanted, you'd be set.

Half that studio would be yours.

Jesus, Dad, I'm not gonna marry Amanda just to live off of her.

Just giving you the benefit of my wisdom.

You won't be young and pretty forever.

Anyway, the studio's mine now. I'm buying her out.

[coughing, laughing]


What do you know about running a business?

I've been there since the beginning.

I'll get people to help me.

Where you gonna get the money for this venture?

I'll figure it out.

Okay, here's an idea.

I got a couple of pounds of sativa to unload.

I'm not selling weed for you.

Besides, I might be doing this yoga video.

And if that works out...

That's different.

You could sh**t it up here.

They pay money for locations, right?

It's still... It's in the... It's in the beginning stages.

[chuckles] Right.

Here's a sample when you change your mind.

Easy money.

[owl hooting]

[dog barking]

And how did that make you feel?

Oh, being called a pathological liar?


How do you think it made me feel? Like shit.

So how did you handle it?

I told her I wasn't lying.

But weren't you lying?

I did work for Michael Kors, okay?

I wasn't a handbag designer, but I gave a lot of input when I was an intern.

And they ripped off a lot of my ideas.

So, you know what, I'm getting out of fashion anyway.

I'm producing this yoga video, so...

Dawn, is this a real thing, or something you wish was real?

Why are you always so negative?

Yoga is blowing up. It's big business. And I have the hottest guy to star in it.

He teaches at this place on Abbot Kinney next to Intelligentsia, that place.

I promise you... women are gonna cream their pants for him.

What's his name?

It was totally amicable.

Amanda was just feeling burnt out.

So we both agreed it was best for her to move on.

But I wish her all the joy and happiness she deserves.

Move on?

What's gonna happen with the studio?

I'm buying her out. I'm taking over.


So who's gonna run it?

I am.

But who's actually gonna run it?


Excuse me.

Cool, man. Good for you.

Thanks, Navaris.

I want this to be a place where we can all contribute and be, like, our highest selves.

I love it.

Anyway, I gotta go. I got an audition for "The Big Bang Theory" all the way over at Warner Brothers, so I gotta bounce.

But sincerest congrats.

Oh, and someone needs to take care of my Ashtanga Power Blast at 2:00.

You're the boss.

Yeah, I'm not covering.

He pulls that crap all the time. I'm sick of it.

Um, are we still getting health insurance?

Amanda said we were. I need my wisdom teeth out. I am in a lot of pain.

I'll look into it. Can you cover for Navaris?

No, I can't, I'm getting a shirodhara massage with Shakti for my teeth pain.

Oh, my God. I know I'm late.

But this guy gets on the bus, who's totally off of his meds.

And he thinks he knows me. And he's like,



What's going on?

Look, you gotta leave for work earlier so you can plan for stuff like that to happen.

I'm the boss now. I can't look like I'm giving you special treatment.

I know.

Can I see you later?

I wanna f*ck you so bad.

I can't talk about this stuff here.






Oh, I totally forgot.

There's these guys downstairs with some enormous Buddha.

They need a hundred bucks for delivery or something.

Okay. Great. I'll be right down.

Gabrielle: Amanda, you can't leave. Logan is not up to this.

You should've seen how freaked out everyone was.

Nobody thinks he can do this. OK? Nobody.

He was like a side of beef spouting these platitudes,

"I wish Amanda nothing but happiness and joy."

He said that?

He wishes me happiness and joy?

What an assh*le.

I know. I am begging you.

Get rid of him.

Let him go. f*re him.

Or if you'd rather, I am happy to do it for you.

No, no. No, no.

You know, he thinks he can do it without me.

Let him try.

I would love to see how that goes.

I am gonna sell him the studio.

And I predict, in six months max, he's gonna crash and burn.

f*ck' happiness and joy?

Okay, sweetie. You know what, let me, um, call you back later.

My sister, boy problems. [nervous chuckle]

Um, where do we keep the checkbook?

Oh, um, right here.

[horns honking]

Oh, Jesus. Hey, did I thank you for inviting us to help you carry this incredibly heavy, awkward statue up the stairs?

Yeah, the snark is really helping, Cody.

Oh, God. Buddha needs to get his ass to Jenny Craig.

All right, stupid cross-legged bastard.

Hold on! Here we go!


No, left, left! No, stop!

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, shit. Are you kidding me?

What did you do?

Why didn't you warn us?

What do you think stop means?

It's got many meanings.

I'm coming down.

[dog barking]

Oh, I could have told you that wouldn't fit.

Did you guys measure?

No, we didn't measure, Gabrielle.

But thanks, that's really constructive.

Anything else? Did I park my car okay?

Did I wear the right color pants? You got a problem?

Just lay it on me.


Let's go for a walk. Let's go for a walk. That's all right.

Just relax. Relax.

What's going on?

I heard her talking to Amanda on the phone.

Nobody thinks I can do this.

You should have seen their faces when I told them I was taking over.

They were like, "Oh, shit. This guy's gonna ruin our lives."

Dude, you'll be fine.

You've got all these rich women salivating all over you.

That's what you think? You think I need some woman to take care of me?

That's what my dad thinks.

No, you're a good teacher. I've seen you.

I don't want to be a teacher the rest of my life.

I want something of my own.

I'm gonna wind up like my dad with nothing, just scraping by.

No, you won't. You've got that video.

He can't count on some video.

Do you think I can run the studio?

Be honest.

Don't bullshit me, man.

Okay, yes.

But there's gonna be a learning curve.

You're gonna have to stick with it and do some work on yourself.

So you don't think I can do it.

What does it matter what he thinks?

Man up.

For the past 20 years, I've looked up to you.

I thought, if I could be that guy... your charisma, looks, good at every sport, women opening their legs for you without you having to do anything.

I mean, Jesus, all that. I thought if I could be that guy, I'd have it made.

But now you're acting like a little whiny baby.

Oh, life's hard. Nobody thinks I can do it.

So prove them wrong.

You have everything. Just own it.

If you don't feel it, fake it.

But this is your defining moment.

Who are you gonna be?

[Middle Eastern]

Narrator: Logan was slowly waking up to his life, as if from a dream.

Hey, Gabrielle?

I need a second.

Narrator: He was now on his path, whether he wanted to be or not.

So, listen, uh, you and me, it's not gonna work.

So the deal is, I'm f*ring you.


You can't f*re me. I'm...

I'm the only one who knows what goes on here.

You didn't even know where the checkbook was.

Well, now I do.

See ya.

Oh, my f*cking shantiel.

Narrator: Logan was learning that growth didn't always mean measuring the Buddha, but how you handle it when it gets stuck.

Sorry, everybody.

Uh, the Buddha was late for class.

He was running up the stairs, and didn't realize he put on so much weight.

[scattered chuckles]

Just head around back, till we get this big guy out of here. Thanks.




Way to go, dude.

You fired your first employee.

Direct. To the point.

Wasn't easy, but you did what you had to do.

That's leadership.


Maybe not the best business move, but good for you.


Jesus Christ!

[baby cries]

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