01x04 - The Comedium

[bunniefuu]

Sue: See? You were right. That Pacalioglu guy was there the day before your séance.

I knew it!

But there's more.

Right when they entered the gallery, the camera stops recording.

That must have been when they tampered the lights bulbs.

What else do we know about this guy?

It seems he's fashioned himself a little ghost hut out of an abandoned newsstand.

What are you scheming?

What's going on inside that chubby brain of yours?

(Alarm buzzing)

Yes! Three hours without moving!

A new record! P.R. it all over the place.

To the victor go the spoils.

Oh, what...?

Aah! Oh, God!

Aah!

Hey, buddy. What are you supposed to be?

You're like a little blob creature?

Chips.

Kevin: No. No, no.

This is living people food.

It won't take.

Please?

Oh, cute. Okay, fine. Fine. Here.

Yay!

(Munching)

Whoa! How are you eating that?

Bye.

Oh! Hey, no!

Get back here, you little scamp!

Come on... Aw! I was eating those.

I don't believe that guy.

(Coughing): Oh, God!

Excuse me. Hi, there.

Oh, hi, there. Oh.

I thought these were classics.

But they're flaming hot.

(Coughing) Ooh!

Oh, God. Oh.

Okay, I'm sorry. Okay.

Here we go. Ahem.

Under control. How can I help you?

Well, it says here that you deal with ghosts.

Is that real or is that like a joke?

No, that's real. Why, is it funny?

No, no. And I know funny.

I'm Darcy Baldo. I own the Big Apple Comedy Shack.

Oh, my God. That is my favorite comedy club in New York.

All right! I've never seen the stand-up but the chili cheeseburgers are fantastic.

Well, we have the same chef as the Laugh Factory.

I know. Ha-ha!

Here's the deal. I think my club is haunted.

Oh. The weirdness only happens really late at night after I close down.

So I was wondering if you could come by and maybe check it out?

Yeah. I could swing that.

Oh, fantastic! Great. You don't, by any chance, charge extra for late-night gigs, do you?

I hadn't actually ever thought of that.

Uh, good idea. Can I?

Ah.

No. Just forget I mentioned that.

Bad idea.

Yeah.

Forgotten.

Great.

So I'll see you later tonight.

For what?

(Mysterious theme playing)

(Rock theme playing)

(Upbeat theme playing)

Roofie: No, no, $50 to see.

I'm giving you 45.

Fifty.

It's 45. Take it.

(Groans)

Isn't that...?

That's my new client, a**l Bead.

He loves dope.

Oh.

(Muttering)

How you doin', Pac?

Good.

How's business?

Everything's great. Can't complain.

I have a gig tonight at a comedy club.

It's an all-night thing. I was wondering if you have uppers.

Oh. So I'm assuming I'll put this on your tab?

Yeah, or you could put it on my hand.

(Both chuckle)

Yo, just be careful with that stuff, man.

You know how you get.

(Mysterious theme playing)

Okay. All right, might as well get comfortable, huh?

Sometimes these ghosts can take their sweet-ass time showing up.

Know what I mean, know what I mean, know what I mean?

So why don't we rap, huh? What's your name?

We covered that. It's Darcy, isn't it?

Is it Darcy, is it D'arcy?

No, it's just Darcy.

Just Darcy, all right.

What's your zodiac sign? Any pets? What're their signs?

How many men have you slept with?

Just lock up when you leave.

Can do. Can do.

Okay. All right.

Eee!

Ugh!

(Imitating guitar solo)

Unh! Wow.

(Mellow theme playing)

(Voices chattering)

Man: Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome to the stage, Buddy Silvers.

Ha-ha-ha! Hi.

(Audience applauds)

Buddy: Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much.

And thank you especially.

My wife was the romantic one in our relationship.

I have to say she said, "Buddy, listen to me.

"When we die, I want us to come back us ghosts and haunt the place where we had our first date."

I said, "honey, I sold that car years ago."

(Audience laughs)

Buddy: We'll just do our date, let me tell you.

I finally figured out the secret to a happy marriage.

One of you has to die, huh?

(Laughing)

My wife wasn't much of a cook, you know what I mean?

But she did have a tuna casserole that was to die for.

I found out the hard way.

How do you think I got here?

Thank you very much. Thank you, everybody.

I'm Buddy Silvers. I will be here all week.

And the next week and the week after that.

I'll be here for eternity.

(Laughing)

Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Oh!

It's funny because it's true.

Oh-ho. Hey, thanks, Jim. Oh, yeah.

Hi, uh, Buddy?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you but I wanted to come over and tell you that that was really, really something.

You kidding? The crowd was dead.

Thank you very much. (Laughs)

That guy never takes a break, huh?

So listen, do you mind if I sit down?

Suit yourself.

Thanks.

My name is Kevin Pacalioglu and I'm actually a medium.

I'm here to help you move on.

You have to have something, some unfinished business, or you wouldn't be trapped here every night.

Trapped?

Yeah.

Are you kidding? It's a great gig.

I'm only here every night because I wanna be.

And besides, you know, being a ghost is better than what's waiting for me on the other side of that light, I'll tell you that.

And what's that?

My wife.

That wasn't a joke.

Seriously, she scares the hell out of me.

So you just don't want to move on?

I'm having the time of my afterlife here.

(Mysterious theme playing)

Darcy: So how did it go?

Your ghost is a former comedian named Buddy Silvers.

He does this bit about his wife.

(Laughing): He's so good.

It's coming non-stop.

Yeah, I remember a Buddy Silvers.

He was a headliner up in the Catskills back in the '60s.

Well, now he's a deadliner here at your club.

First ghost I've ever met that didn't want my help, though.

You're gonna figure out something, though, right?

No. Yes. Not. I will.

No? Okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, do you have a plan?

Well, not totally. Uh, I have to go.

I left my newsstand open. I think I have a blob problem.

(Chuckles)

I gotta go. I gotta go.

Oh, no! No, no, no! Get out of here!

Come on! Oh, look at this mess.

Oh, man! Like... thank you very much!

Uh, Camomile White? Hi.

Mm-hmm.

To whom do I owe this extraordinary honor and how much do I owe?

Save the idiot routine for your customers.

I know you were at the gallery the day before the séance.

And I know you turned off the security cameras.

And I'm assuming that's when you did whatever you did to the light bulbs.

I don't presume to know what any of that means.

Let's stop skirting around the issue, shall we?

You tell me your trick and I'll tell you mine.

Why don't we start with this newsstand?

Oh, yeah. This old boy.

Yeah.

Me and Roofie... my friend. We thought, maybe it would help me drum up a little more business.

It's just a silly little idea but with some hard work and a little luck, maybe I can be the next Camomile White, except, you know, for real.

Maybe we got off on the wrong foot.

Maybe.

Would you like to go out sometime?

That's not what I thought you were gonna say.

You want to take my number? Do you have a pen?

Yes.

Oh, I have this. Will this work?

Sure. Hand.

Okay.

Oh.

(Groaning) Call me... when you want to... aah!

Play. Okay.

Yeah? Call me.

Roofie: Why are you even going out with this woman, man?

She caused you so much trouble.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that.

But if she's this incredibly mean to me and I still wanna have sex with her, that's gotta be true love, Roof.

Even if I'm wrong and I hate her, I'm sure that I still wanna have sex with her.

Okay. But one problem.

Camomile White is a woman of expensive tastes.

How'd you expect to pay for this?

Ah, shart. I have to finish this comedy club gig.

What's the problem?

It's this ghost comedian. He just won't leave.

Okay, so why don't you get a ghost heckler?

No, Roofie. You don't understand the level of comedic genius I'm dealing with here.

This guy would destroy a heckler.

Hmm.

So, why don't you just find the worst audience ever?

Drunk, rowdy, uninhibited idiots who not only won't get his jokes, but they want all the attention on themselves.

(Chuckles)

Kevin: Ladies, nonstop prog. Real bachelorette party.

Who wants to see a show?

Did somebody say they want to see a show? Huh?

(Women cheering)

Hey, how are you doing out there?

(Screaming) Whoo!

What an attractive audience. A battered women's shelter?

We're a bachelorette party!

Oh, bachelorette party, huh?

Who's the bride-to-be, huh?

Right here. Me. It's me.

You? Wow! You landed a husband?

What are you, rich?

All right. Marriage is a terrific institution.

I myself, I only slept with one woman for 25 years.

And then my wife found out.

(Kevin laughing)

Hey, hey. Heh-heh. All right!

You know what? Obviously, this... this didn't work. Everyone out. Let's go.

Hey! This is my bachelorette party, and we're not leaving until we see some hot damn man-flesh!

(Women cheer)

Oh!

(Chanting): Stripper! Stripper!

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa. Ladies, ladies.

(Chanting): Stripper! Stripper!

You're worse than my in-laws at Thanksgiving dinner.

See me at Dangerfield's from now on.

I don't need this.

It actually worked. Huh!

(Chanting): Stripper! Stripper!

Oh! Come on, who threw that? Was that you?

You're a troublemaker. I can see it.

What the hell happened in here?

Huh? Oh.

Uh, nothing. I had to bring in a few cats to get rid of the mouse.

I don't know what you're talking about, but you listen to me.

Mr. Tim Allen is performing here tonight and he hates ghosts, okay?

If you don't fix this, you are so not getting paid!

Oh, no, no.

Oh, no.

I need you to pay me because I need the money for my date.

For my probably soulmate Camomile.

I don't care about your date!

The only thing I care about right now is Tim Allen.

You fix whatever ghost stuff is happening here.

Yes.

Fix it!

Okay.

(Women Chanting): Stripper! Stripper! Stripper!

All right, ladies, you don't have to go into the light, but you can't stay here!

Ain't that right, officer Billy Club?

(Cheering)

(Kevin laughs)

Get this music on for you.

(Pop music playing)

All right!

Whoo-hoo!

(Women screaming)

Yeah, he's got a g*n, look out!

Check out his g*n, ladies!

(Women cheering)

Nice, right?

Whoa! Ha-ha!

Show that junk!

Show that junk!

Oh, they, uh, want you to show them your, uh, member.

(Chuckles)

They? I mean me. I call me "they."

Oh, come on, buddy, this isn't my first time dancing for a bachelorette fetishist.

No, I'm telling you there's a bachelorette party going on right behind you. Right behind you.

Whoa!

You're a little weirdo, huh?

I know. Yeah.

There's girls right there.

How come I can't see them?

Because they're all dead. They're all dead.

(Dramatic theme playing)

You sick prick!

Oh! Whoa, don't sh**t! Don't sh**t!

Wait. Is that a prop g*n?

Uh...

It's just... it's just girls! Officer Billy Club, come on!

Hey, where did the man-flesh go?

What kind of bachelorette party is this?

I don't know. Can't we just drink some cosmopolitans and play a game of pin the d*ck on the donkey?

No! We got on that bus, and we had a vision.

And that vision was of a big, throbbing phallus.

And we are not going anywhere until we see some male d*ck!

Okay, fine. You guys want to see a d*ck and you'll leave?

Yeah! Please.

I said, you guys wanna see some d*ck and you'll leave?

(All cheer)

All right, I'm gonna go find the first guy I see, bring him in here and make you show his d*ck.

(Clothes ripping)

Ghost bride: Whoa.

Oh, it's so effing bright.

Oh, Sujita, do you think they have brunch there?

Woman: Do you think we need to make reservations?

Let's order two things so we can have more variety.

(Sighs)

Ah!

You really wanna make this place look nice?

Throw on some pants.

Oh, no!

Are you kidding me? What are you doing here?

What happened to Dangerfield's?

Nah, Kinison went long.

I got bumped. The jerk.

Oh.

Come on, I'm begging you.

Buddy, you gotta... just go into your light.

It's not my fault that your wife sucked so hard.

Hey, listen! My wife was a lot of things.

But she did not suck.

Sadly not even on my birthday. But that's none your business.

I ought to knock your block off.

What are you talking about?

Your whole act is about how horrible your wife was.

The act, it's jokes.

I wrote most of those things before I even met her.

The truth is my wife was nothing like that.

My wife was... she was, uh...

I can't remember. Wow!

I guess I've been doing the "my wife" bit so long I forgot what she was really like.

I think I really loved her.

If you really loved your wife, why can't you figure out a way to do some nice material about her?

Hold on.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. When I started dating my wife, I was so poor...

Come on, help a specter out.

How poor were you?

Thank you.

I was so poor that I couldn't even afford to buy her flowers.

So I stopped on the way to her house one day, at the empty lot, and I picked up a bunch of dandelions.

Oh, she's no dummy.

She knew they were weeds but she put 'em on a vase full of water, just the same.

Just like they were a dozen roses.

She didn't want to hurt my feelings.

The point is I knew right at that moment she was the one.

Well, what do you know. There's my light.

Thanks, Kevin.

Good luck.

(Light pops)

(Sighs)

Wasn't very funny.

All right, try it now.

Testes. Testes. One, two, three.

Yes, good?

Yeah, we're good.

I'm just not sure why you're still doing this.

I mean, you met him. Doesn't he seem harmless and a little sweet, in a simple kind of way?

He's not harmless, Sue.

He's probably the greatest con artist of all time.

I tried to reason with him medium to medium and he basically threatened me, saying he intended to become the next Camomile White.

Well, not on my watch.

So you're just taking out a little insurance policy?

All I need to do is get him to say the magic words.

You look really pretty tonight.

(Knocking on door)

Of course.

Hi!

Thank you.

Oh, I got these for you.

I picked them, actually. They're beautiful dandelions.

I know they're not actually flowers but a friend of mine told me...

Thank you. They're lovely.

They mean more than...

I'll put them in some water.

Thank you.

Okay, great. Yeah.

Wowee!

So many nice things. Uh... so I was thinking that tonight, maybe we could just go to the Big Apple Comedy Club.

Two drink minimum but I happen to know the owner, so...

You know, I was thinking that we could just stay in.

I mean, you're clearly into me, and I'm clearly into you.

Phew.

So let's stop dancing around our feelings and let's just (Bleep)

Oh!

Whoa! Oh, just a heads up.

Yeah.

There's no button on these pants.

So you don't have to do anything.

There's an elastic all the way around.

Perfect.

It is, right?

I just need to know something first.

Are you seeing any other women?

Yeah, I'm seeing some girls.

I'm kidding. I don't know why I said that.

Nope. I was being hard to get.

Well, good. Because I don't want to share you.

Good. Trust me, I am not seeing any other women right now.

Well, are you seeing any ghosts right now?

No.

What about recently?

You seen any ghost recently?

Uh, no.

I have never seen a ghost.

I don't even know how that would work if I'm being totally honest.

Very good, Mr. Packalockloogie.

Oh. Uh, close. Mr. Pacalioglu.

At least I think it is. I've never met my parents.

I'm an orphan.

Right.

What happened? Are you okay?

Is my boner too big?

No.

Okay.

I've suddenly got a splitting headache. You better go.

Well, you can take something for that.

I got pills. I could give you one of those.

I'm sure one would be good for headache.

This headache won't go away for as long as you're here.

Oh, it's one of those.

Yeah, you better go.

I've been around a few of those.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, but, Ms. White?

Yeah?

I would just like to say that I had the time...

Me too.

No, uh...

Oh, my God. How did it go? It sounded good.

Perfect. We've got lots of work to do.

(Camomile on recording): What about recently?

Have you seen any ghosts recently?

Kevin: No. I have never seen a ghost.

I don't even know how that would work if I'm being totally honest.

Got him.

(Mellow theme playing)

Seriously, what the heck are you supposed to be?

I don't know.

Women, huh?

Yeah.

Love is hard.

(Sighs)

So what, you need a place to stay, buddy?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Okay, buddy, come on home with me.

(Babbling)

More chips, please.

(Mellow theme playing)