01x06 - Raising the Dead

[bunniefuu]

(Mysterious theme playing)

Roofie: How you persevering?

Kevin: Oh, my God.

My head feels like a dark, dank cave.

And there's a teeny tiny construction worker jackhammering on a never-ending loop.

Okay. What'd you get into last night?

I think I took a road trip to Mexico with Tinya.

Ate some chicharrónes, drank some Tequila.

Finished up the night with a donkey show.

Mexico's about 2,000 miles away.

Yeah.

And who the hell is Tinya?

(Speaks Spanish)

Can I get you guys anything else?

What? We... we haven't even ordered yet.

Oh, God. Sorry.

I'm, like, really hungover.

That's my thing.

No, this is not how I'm going to spend my Wednesday morning.

You two, y'all need to level out, because I'm gonna get you an alcoholic beverage.

I'm gonna have one too.

So I won't be the only one that not drinking.

Bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary.

(Groans)

What's with the lights in here?

You gonna ralph, Macchio?

No, I just, uh...

Mary?

Kevin?

(Rock theme playing)

Young Kevin: So, uh, what exactly is this again?

Boy: You're supposed to be able to talk to ghosts.

I'm not supposed to say.

Yeah, right.

We're gonna summon Bloody Mary.

Sounds scary.

She was buried alive a hundred years ago.

If you say her name three times, she appears in the mirror and claws your eyes out.

How's that for scary?

That's fine. I'm just happy to be included.

Okay. She only comes out on Halloween, and it's almost midnight. Ready?

Both: Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.

(Thunder crashes)

Man, I knew this was nonsense.

Right?

Yeah... yeah.

I'm out of here.

Better not tell anyone I let you hang out with me, sh*t-eater.

You can see me, can't you?

But you're not afraid of me, are you?

How come you won't look me in the eye?

Oh!

Bloody Jes... bloody Jesus. I'm sorry. That is so embarrassing.

Something's happening.

Mary: What? I'm becoming a statue.

Oh. Oh, my God, no.

That is completely natural. You're... you're just having an erection.

Have you never had one before?

Um... let's... let's have a talk.

Kevin: I can't believe I'm seeing you right now.

You've come a long way from that little boy I used to hang out with every Halloween.

Feeling pretty rough today, I got to be honest.

But thanks, thanks.

Come on. I'm sure the girls are, like, b*ating down your door.

You know... I've been... yeah, I've been sort of dating this one girl, Camomile.

She's, uh, kind of playing hard to get, so in turn I've been playing harder to get.

You know, and now we're at a point where we're both just a little too hard for each other.

And it's very unclear whether either one of us will ever be gotten.

Well, I think you're a catch.

Thanks.

Welcome back to our spooky Halloween special.

(Audience applauds) I'm here once again with celebrated paranormal communicator, Camomile White.

It is such a pleasure to have you back.

Thank you, Wesley.

Let's take a call. Caller, are you there?

Girl (Over phone): Hi, Wesley. Hi, Camomile.

So I was planning on spending Halloween down at the parade in the village, but I wasn't sure if it was safe.

I guess my question is, do you foresee any sort of tragedy?

I see the parade.

Big crowd.

Lots of fun. Lots of... wait, there's... there's something else.

(Audience murmurs) (Shushing)

No.

It's okay.

It's just dancing.

Oh!

Fear not, dear caller.

I predict nothing but fun for you tonight.

(Laughs)

That's fantastic!

Enjoy.

Sorry, just... the reason I ask is because I'm slightly clairvoyant myself.

And last night I had this terrible vision.

It was in the middle of the parade route, right around Waverly Place.

People were burning, screaming.

Oh. Um...

(Clears throat)

Miss white, uh...

(Laughs)

Is there any chance that you could be mistaken?

(Inhaling deeply)

(Shushing)

(Exhaling)

I stand by my earlier prediction.

No one will be set on fire at this year's Halloween parade.

(Applause)

Camomile White, ladies and gentlemen.

This is why the world loves you.

Camomile: I should set you on fire.

You were supposed to be monitoring the phone calls.

I don't understand. They loved you.

I just went on national TV and confidently predicted that in a New York City parade that attracts over 50,000 weirdos a year, nobody was going to be set on fire.

What if something happened?

What... what if it's some kind of setup?

Do you know how that would look for me.

For my career?

Boom! Up in flames.

I'm so sorry. What can I do to fix it?

We'll just have to go to the parade, check out Waverly Place, make sure nobody gets lit on fire.

But what if someone does get set on fire?

Then we'll just have to extinguish them before anybody notices what we do.

Kevin: I think she was hitting on me, Roofie.

Roofie: What makes you say that?

Kevin: I don't know.

She kept asking who I was dating and paying me compliments.

Like, she didn't have to do that.

Wait, where did you meet this bitch anyway?

We met randomly in this basement mirror when I was a kid.

You know, she was so hot. I had this super-mega crush on her.

Sometimes I'd even have wet nightmares about her.

But all she ever saw me as was a little kid.

That's it.

What?

It's the babysitter conundrum.

You found a loophole.

What's the babysitter "condrumdrum"?

Look, it's when a boy has a crush on his babysitter.

But he's too young for her.

When he finally gets old enough where age doesn't matter to her, she's too old for him.

But in this case, you know, bloody Mary's a ghost. She doesn't age.

So you guys caught up.

It's like fate, man.

By this point, I'm like a full presidential term older than her, though.

What are these for, by the way?

You don't need to worry about this.

You need to worry about getting on that slutty Mary's pa-chank.

How am I gonna do that?

You know, I don't know.

Be romantic. Find something from your past together.

(Upbeat theme playing)

"Herro"?

Ah... oh.

Hi.

"Herro."

Can I help you?

Sister brothers.

Hi, I... I, uh...

I grew up here. I live... I mean, I was an orphan.

I grew up in the orphanage. My name is Kevin.

Kevin Pacalioglu.

Oh, sh*t-eater.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, what's that?

Oh.

(Laughs)

I, uh... I just stopped in because I wanted to ask you a question about a mirror.

A really special mirror that used to be in the basement here.

Uh, a friend of mine really loved it.

A friend whose pa-chank I'm desperately trying to b*at up, if you will.

Oh.

I was wondering if I could purchase, perchance borrow it, off of you.

Borrow it off of me?

Yeah, borrow it...

Where's your English?

Borrow it... from me?

For you... off of you.

You want to borrow a mirror?

Can I borrow the mirror?

You're the one who could talk to spirits, aren't you?

I'm not really supposed to say.

No. Well, come with me.

There's something I want you to take a look at.

Oh, wow.

They really spruced up the place, huh?

Did the state step in or something?

All right, Kevin, listen to me.

There have been some incidents recently.

Ah.

Kids getting hurt in horrible and inexplicable ways.

Now, I can't be sure, but I believe there's an evil spirit present.

Now, if you can get rid of this demon, you can have that mirror for free.

You got yourself a deal, sister.

Good luck, and I'll come back to you later.

Okay, thank you, sister brothers.

(Dramatic theme playing)

Whoa.

Let's go play somewhere else.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not right under a teeter-totter.

(Bleep) me on a cross.

You're not so bad.

Look at you.

Ow! Foot!

(Groans)

All right, listen, you little creep.

Uh, let's get down to unfinished business.

I'm kind of in a rush. (Snarling)

All right, look, I want to help you. I really do.

But you have to tell me how, all right?

I'm not a mind-reader. I'm a medium.

(Snarling)

I get that reaction a lot, actually.

Uh, why don't we start over again.

Here, all right? Here, look at this.

Look at this flower.

(Growls)

And you've ruined it with your mind.

That's lovely.

What have you found?

Well, uh, I think I found your spirit.

It appears he does have an evil ghost orphan child, which is like the worst kind of ghost, and also the worst kind of child.

She refuses to talk to me, so I have no idea how to help her.

Well, if you want that special mirror, you have to deal with that ghost child first.

Please, sister brothers.

I need that mirror by midnight.

Well, then you'd better get back in there.

Get busy. Remember, idle hands are the devil's playground.

No, this is the devil's playground.

Oh, go on now.

(Inaudible)

Okay, so welcome to my apartment.

Come on in.

(Speaking indistinctly)

No, Blob. I can't take you for a float right now.

Why?

Because I have company.

I don't have to explain myself to you.

(Snarling) Guys, guys. Come on.

Hey, that's the last thing I need right now.

Okay?

Stop. Go get in your box.

Okay, so can you tell me your name at least?

No. Okay. What if I guess your name?

If I guess your name will you nod?

You'll nod. Good, great.

I'm just gonna, like, rattle off a bunch of girl names, and if I happen to get it, you stop me.

All right? So here we go.

Uh, Amber, Rachel, Jen...

What?

What... Rachel?

Uh, Amber?

It was the first one?

I got it on the first sh*t.

(Laughs)

What are the odds of that?

(Train clanging)

Everything looks good.

Boy, is it hot in here or is it just...?

Whoa!

What the hell is going on here?

You told me to get you the authentic one, and to just buy the cheapest one for myself.

This and this worries me.

It's October outside. It's freezing cold.

I can't have my assistant getting sick.

You know what? You're going to have to wear mine.

See? This is so much better.

I look amazing.

And you still look sexy.

Yeah, actually, I kind of do, just in like a masculine kind of way.

So here's the backstory.

I am a sexy, heroic firefighter, and you are a burn victim.

I don't get it.

Wasn't the whole point of a fireman costume to justify the fire extinguishers?

You know, the ones we'll need in order to put out any fires at the parade?

The plan is constantly evolving, Sue.

It's alive. It's fluid.

Try and keep up, okay?

(Doorbell rings)

Man: Trick or treat.

Well, it's about time.

(Snaps fingers)

Miss White, are you sure it's wise to be on dr*gs during this operation?

These are just a little something to help me focus.

What are you looking at, you little demon?

Out.

Now pull the car around.

We don't want to be late.

I love Halloween.

Kevin: Sugar? Hmm.

The finer things, huh?

There we go.

Ooh, uh, how about a scone?

I only got one, but I thought maybe we could split it.

Let me get my steak Kn*fe.

I call her steak knively.

(Laughs)

Uh, I'm just gonna cut it in half.

Oh, it's a little hard. Not stale.

These day-olds are just a little cheaper.

And, uh, they taste the same if you microwave them for about 15 seconds.

Look, I can't... I can't do this.

This is a two-way street, okay? You got to communicate with me.

I can't help you if you don't tell me what you want.

Come on, man. Help me out here.

I need that mirror so I can impress Bloody Mary.

She only comes out on Halloween, and sweet baby Lucifer, Halloween is almost over.

So just tell me.

You want a psychic reading?

No, that's Camomile White.

She is a super-psycho hot b-i-t-c-h that I dated for a while.

And I don't really want to talk about it anymore.

So why don't you just mind your own business and drink your chamomile tea white now.

What are you doing?

No. No.

You're my nightmare.

Let me get my cleaning supplies.

Why did I have to make imaginary black tea?

You're all hopped up and acting crazy.

(Imitating spritzing sound)

So... Amber?

Steak knively?

What up, Tyson? How we doing tonight?

(Laughs)

(Cell phone rings)

Yo, what up?

Hey, Roofie, it's me, man.

I'm freaking out. I'm in crisis zone here. I lost my ghost.

And she's an evil little demon baby.

She got steak knively with her, and she means to do great harm.

Calm down, calm down. Where was the last place you seen her?

She was here. We were having a lovely tea party on the floor.

All right, what was she doing?

Uh, she was looking at this magazine here.

Oh, my word.

Roofie, where do you think Camomile White is right now?

Look, how the hell am I supposed to know where Camomile White is on Halloween?

Come on, man. That's like asking where kid rock is on the 4th of July. I don't know.

Pick a Hooters.

(Laughs): I'm serious.

Hey, Roof.

What up, what up?

I think I know where that Camomile White bitch is right now.

You deep in this, aren't you?

(Upbeat theme playing)

This is absolute madness! It's not working!

Maybe we should split up!

We should split up!

You go that way and I'll go this way.

Keep phone on!

Oh! Hey, hey, hey.

Give me this. Give... give me that.

What is this? What are you, kidding me with this?

You can't just wander around decapitating people willy-nilly.

That's not what you do. Bad!

Bad ghost child. (Snarls)

Who taught you how to carry a sharp Kn*fe anyway, huh?

You don't just carry it down like this.

You carry it with the blade up. That way if you fall, you k*ll yourself instantly.

Common sense. God.

And since we're getting to know steak knively so well anyway... flip her upside down.

Lighter-meiser.

You. What the hell are you doing here?

(Stammering): Nothing.

Uh, just... oh, my fingertips are, like, freezing.

Oh, my God.

It was you.

What?

I should have known. You should have known what?

You were going to come to the parade and set yourself on fire just to make me look bad.

No.

Madam, I assure you I hatched no such scheme.

Right. I'm phoning the police.

Don't phone the police.

Don't call the cops. It... it was me.

What?

I was the caller on the talk show.

I had never been to the Greenwich Village parade before.

I've always wanted to go, but you always made me stay home so you could watch me eat candy.

You are going to eat so much candy right now.

And you're going to swallow all of it.

Oh, my God. I'm so turned on right now.

Why did you... why did you just save me like that?

Camomile: Come on, Sue! Right bloody now!

I have to go.

When she starts in with the "bloody's", I know she's really upset.

No, you don't have to do everything she says.

Oh... those two.

You'd think they were bloody married, huh?

Oh, Bloody Mary. Oh, my God, it's almost midnight.

You fudged me, didn't you, you little planned fudger.

Now I'm going to have to just use whatever stinking mirror is closest.

Ah. Come on.

Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.

Kevin?

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

Are we in a porta potty?

Yeah, I know. I wanted to do something more romantic and find the mirror from the orphanage where we first met.

Uh, but I didn't have any time.

And I've been thinking a lot about the babysitter "condrumdrum."

And I think Roofie was right.

We b*at this thing. We can finally be together.

Like bf and gf.

Uh, what?

Well, you know, I haven't given a ton of thought to how the physical, uh, intimate stuff would work.

Okay, Kevin. That's enough.

Um, we can't be together.

We can't... what... what do you mean?

Why?

(Exhaling)

I always saw you as like a son.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I'm an idiot.

No, you're not. The thing is, I always wanted to be a mother.

I could just never have kids of my own.

But then I met you, and you were this sweet little boy who not only clearly needed a mother, but could also see ghosts.

I thought it was perfect.

Well, the same, Mary, I...

I bungled our entire relationship.

You were never really good with picking up the nonverbal cues.

No, not really.

You weren't trying to k*ll Camomile, were you?

A mother.

All right, come on.

I want to show you something. Come here.

(Door closes)

Uh, Mary?

This is Amber. Amber, this is Mary.

Hi.

Oh, my.

That doesn't look very uninfected.

Can I take a look?

I think I can help you.

What do you say, Kevin?

Would that be all right?

Yeah.

(Laughs)

(Sighs)

(Knock on door)

Someone's in here.

You want a peanut butter cup?

No.

I'm going to stick with the corn.

Trying to be at least a little healthy, you know?

Yeah, that's smart.

How'd that thing work out with you and Bloody Mary?

Really, really badly.

I completely misread that situation.

That's okay, though. I'm going to go back to obsessing over Camomile White.

It is one good decision with you after another.

Yeah, man. You know, and I base my decision on the fact that Camomile White exists for more than one day out of the year.

So it increases my odds.

Right. Let's... let's... let's hope so.

Yeah. Optimism.

Roofie: You know those are weed candy corns.

Kevin: These are weed candy corns?

(Kevin laughs)

Roofie: Yeah, you're gonna be high.

(Mysterious theme playing)